TeacherZombie

Kori, I was engaged a few years ago and in a very similar sounding relationship. He was emotionally abusive. We fought all the time. I can honestly tell you I was terrified of breaking up with him because I DID love him and we had a LOT of fun together and everyone thought we were so perfect for each other. But here's the thing. When I finally did break up with him (and made sure I didn't have to see his face after the breakup), I felt RELIEVED. I could move on. I wasn't stuck in something that brought me down anymore.

Hi, I would consider myself one of the people Adderall is/was right for, but my body disagrees. Here's my story. I was diagnosed with ADD-Inattentive and Depression when I was in the 7th grade. I had very few friends, was a compulsive liar, could not perform well in my classes, and could not read or focus on anything for longer than about 5 minutes. I was socially awkward, shy, and withdrawn, though I had a major addiction to computer games and online chatting. I was initially medicated just for the ADD, my grades improved somewhat, but I still avoided or lost homework, so didn't do as well as I could have. I was prescribed depression meds in the beginning of high school and suddenly started doing much better. I became a straight A student, but my Adderall made my OCD and General Anxiety insanely bad. I started having panic attacks. They continued into college. I saw a cardiologist when I blacked out on an exercise bike and found out my resting heartrate on meds was 120bpm, insanely fast. He said we had to bring it down or I could die of heart failure by the time I was 30. I told him I'm try the beta-blockers but would not go off meds-- I'd rather risk death. Beat-blockers alone didn't help, but they did when I lowered by Adderall dose from 30 to 20. However, I still had anxiety, but I dealt with it. However, with the beta-blocker, my previously exercise-induced asthma turned into severe life-threatening asthma that is untreatable by inhalers due to their action on the beta cells of the heart, which are blocked by the beta-blcoker. Last year, a I had a general practitioner tell me to ask my psychiatrist about going off the stimulants. he said I would only be able to if I had a repetitive and routine job, which teaching definitely is not. But, the more asthma attacks I have, the more I'm not sure maintaining the job I love, the relationships i have, and the identity I have built for myself as an academic, a lover of books and learning and as a semi-extrovert. I'm terrified, really terrified, but I also have a lot of very supportive friends. More than anything I'm afraid of losing my job and my marriage. But, I figure it's worth a try. Next week, I'm going to my psychiatrist and going to request to be switched from Concerta back to Adderall XR and to let me wean off by removing 1 pellet from the capsule every day for the first month, 2 per day the second month, 3 the third, etc, hoping to avoid the withdrawal effects I've come to experience when I occasionally forget to refill my meds on time. It may take 7 years, if there's like 80 pellets in a capsule, but it will be worth it I think. Unfortunately, the degree of my commitment to this plan does not change the fear that comes with it. I plan to follow the advice of a therapist who did psychoeducational testing on me last summer and see a psychologist who specializes in Dialectical Behavior Therapy, as this is supposed to help people who are trying to maintain their identity during extreme emotional and mental changes. Hopefully that helps. The end. P.S. From what I have heard from friends who have gone off meds with ADD Combined or Hyperactive type, the experience is different. I am Inattentive type. I know teachers who are without a doubt ADHD Hyperactive, and they function because teaching is never boring. Being a daydreamer and zombie teacher is different. Society is also much more accepting of ADD individuals who are hyperactive. They don't understand the under-stimulated ones that zone out in conversations and live inside their own heads. It's sad, but I think that may make this 100 times harder.

LifelongUser, I have not posted my story yet, but it is so similar to yours that it's almost not worth posting, lol. I am a bit older than you, I think. I am 28 years old, a special education teacher for students with LD/ADD/EI/Asperger's and I not only love my job but I am great at it (aside from classroom management, <sigh>). Anyway, I have been advised by some doctors, since college, that I should go off meds because of the strain it was putting on ym heart in college, and now the severe asthma caused by the medication used to treat those heart problems. Basically, I can die of an asthma attack any day, because the med prevents inhalers from working. But, like you, I have been medicated for *literally* half my life. I was diagnosed and put on meds in the 7th grade. I also had severe depression and anxiety, which are also being medicated. But, I'm finally thinking maybe my happiness with my job and the identity I've built for myself isn't worth the risk of death by asthma attack sometime in the next several years. It actually scares some of my friends to know that I once told the cardiologist I'd rather die on meds by the age of 30 (this was when I was 18) than to go off them and have to go back to the way I was before. But now that I'm 28, I'm not so sure. Like you, I have that part of me that wants to be who I was always going to be. But, I also know I will likely not be able to perform my job and may not be able to maintain the friendships and my marriage off of it. I'm not sure. But, if I were you, I'd go to a psychiatrist, like I'm going to be doign next week, and tell them you want to try going off very very slowly and that this isn't a matter for discussion. You'd like their help in assisting you to go off of it fully by the summer, and then you'll make up your mind over the summer whether you want to go back on or not. Also, like others have said, a Pros and Cons list will be helpful. I still need to make mine and I'm going to keep a diary. Also, I have friends who have gone off meds and they say that you can't know what you will actually be life off meds for about 4 months. Like you, I am incredibly intelligent. I was pre-med in college, decided not to go into medicine because I'm a bit of a hypochondriac, and went into teaching special education instead. I am currently working on a second endorsement in Math as well, and my boss has made it clear that I need to finish this certification to ensure my job security. I can completely sympathize with your situation, and if you need a new friends going through the same thing as you, I'm more than willing to be that person, or at least one of them, because I know how desperately I want someone who knows what I'm going through too. Even if you decide not to do it and keep considering it, I'd be happy to keep you posted on how things go for me. Best of luck!