Day 1. My mind is mush. I worry that it's permanently damaged --- esp now that I've read that article on the site on the amphetamine stages. Pretty sure I've hit 7 but I wish I hadn't seem that so I could stay in denial.
Actually reality check hit me hard this morning after not sleeping for prob 48 hours or so and playing hours of video games and surfing porn. For some reason those activities are enhanced when I take a ton of my adderall and that's an urge that I have literally zero control over once I take that first pill. That's where it starts with me -- the 10 mg pill and ironically it comes back to just one pill to set the entire sequence of me in zombie mode and not living.
I hate that I've become so isolated dull and reclusive and withdrawn. That's not me !!'
My head feels so screwy. I am so thankful to have found the group. I was literally tweaked out going through Craigslist looking at all the ads ( even furniture - seeing all these ways to redecorate my apartment and work out deals ). Anyway somehow I found the site and found people just like me.
I flushed my pills and am anticipating hellish withdrawals. I called out sick from work -- not sure what I'll do tomorrow but my head is murky at best. I have not been taking very care of myself and I'm in some depression pain frustration and confusion.
I've started and stopped adderal and ritilin many times since being diagnosed about 12 years ago. I'm 35 and never married and lose my wallet and keys often , interrupt others all the time , thoughts all over the place. Always fidgity , have been in 2 major accidents in blackout s from booze and pills and I've been to jail 3 times in 3 states (15 days max stay ) all on charges stemming from my self medicating ways ---
This sobriety is scary and takes work. All I need to worry about now though is the next few hours till bedtime. Staying in today. Otherwise my head will probably overload from everything I feel like I need to change about my life.
See doing it now --- focusing on all the negative again. Ah!! Stop.
I have a ton of blessings right now and yet I look at the things going wrong !! Let's list the good ---
I have a job I really enjoy in education , I have a car and legit license , I'm renting my own apartment and have privacy. ( took till I was 34 to finally rent my own crib-- big step !!) I paid my rent this month , I went to disneyland with my sisters and dad last month , and I made it through the holidays without taking a drink. Life is good.
Progress not perfection.
I do need help giving up adderal. To thine own self be true--- my inner voice knows this drug is poison to me and will become the great "remover" of all good in my life eventually-- material and people.
Day 1. Let's do this. I'm a fiend and need to remember how I feel today and this firm resolve NEVER to take even 1 addy again. It's poison to me !!!