Frank B

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Everything posted by Frank B

  1. Happiness in sobriety?

    I guess we need to have out inner drill Sargent kick are ass into gear! I never considered myself a morning person but this lack of effort now is beyond ridiculous. A few on here say go easy on yourself but man I can't if I don't turn on a switch soon I'm in big fucking trouble. I probbably won't enjoy the day but I gotta move on and force myself to be up and productive. Setting my alarm for 5:45am to do a morning workout tomorrow if I sleep in I'm going to slap the shit out of myself. If wasn't so old and have kids I'd join the military now because that's what I fucking need boot camp! God I hope nobody who wants to stop reads these that's why when I first quit I did not come on here seeing people months into the struggles from quitting was to much to contemplate. This sucks no doubt about it.
  2. Happiness in sobriety?

    The urge to use is not really at a high point but the struggles to progress into a productive lifestyle feels like it's getting harder. Sure I can stay clean sit on my ass and go broke or get back on addy be productive "for awhile until I waste time on useless crap" but die from a heart attack. I know the dangerous I know why I quit and I know why I won't do it again. But the overall depression of me not doing as I should is growing mounting everyday. I can barely function before 10 am I never get going like I should even after I feel awake. I used to pop a pill in the morning and take off. Now I lay just tired as hell and it does not matter if I had 8 hrs of sleep. I get high anxiety thinking of all the debt I have high anxiety of not getting work partially my fault because I fucking lay around half the day. I'm trying to stay positive but just wondering when I can be a productive person again or will I fall so deep in the hole I can't ever get back on my feet. What's the point that I should say this is it I will not get better than this, 5 months, 6 months a year two years I'm getting nervous thinking about it. I'm eating better working out getting sleep but all I want to do is lay down all morning this sucks.
  3. Happiness in sobriety?

    I'm pretty open to any suggestions which can help so watched a good portion of the video and do feel it can be helpful. I have felt dragged down by negative thoughts my entire life that has made me unhappy. Always felt I could easily brake away somehow but never knew how that's a big reason I turned to prescription drugs. Although I'm not a big believer that any man knows what happens in the afterlife I can't argue those thoughts of negativity to turn to drugs did not ultimately have a goal to end my life , suicide really felt like a solution many times when I was really deep into the pills. If the theories are true I must have a strong guardian angel to pull me out of that addiction before it cost me everything. The negative thoughts to turn back to drugs I have felt evil but definetly felt were made up in my own mind. The entire notion to look at them as not my own can help I'll watch the rest of the video either way I can't see the view point right or wrong to do anything negative thanks for the link. I must tell myself why being on the drugs did not make me happy. Yes they made me feel good but I was totally on a huge roller coaster ride high peaks and low valleys. I had little control of myself often loosing my cool with family, friends and even customers so I need to quit seeking that false gradification that ultimetaly set out to destroy me. It's funny I seem to be over it then it hits me in the face I do need to eliminate the underlying factor and thanks to Liltex41 I feel one step closer today.
  4. Happiness in sobriety?

    This web site and NA are great free resources without them be really hard to quit. Just wondering on here if struggling big time in the mornings is common off Adderal for months? I've done coffee redbull energy shots nothing seems to work. It's been 4 months thought mornings would be better by now. If I could I would easily sleep to 10am everyday and I could have gone to sleep at 10pm. I'm eating a decent diet exercising at a gym 3 times a week doing everything your supposed to but still just a zombie in the morning no matter how much rest I get.
  5. Happiness in sobriety?

    I did find a good therapist but $80 per hour and me taking it slow at work just doesn't make it affordable. The thing I have learned is are society is not correctly set up to really help us who want to stop being addicts. Unless your rich or poor and on Medicare it's really hard to afford rehabilitation. My insurance paid freaking $0. I paid over $1500 out of my own pocket and that was for outpatient and only did maybe a month and a half all I could afford. What's even more messed up is the day I said this is it I'm done finding immediate help was impossible walked into one place and this ignorant rude lady yelled at me on the intercom "What u need here?" . All those rehab shows are a false reality it's not that easy because it's just not affordable for most middle class people to do. I'm not one to bitch about how unfair life is for the middle class but it's pretty clear who is getting screwed and we are so blind we think a corporate fuck ass Trump who will give more tax brakes to the rich should be president? This is partly why I used drugs society is so very fucked up and on drugs I could ignore all the social issues. The reality is we are all powerless over the media machine it dictates who we vote for it's a shame.
  6. Happiness in sobriety?

    I quit them both the week of November 20th 2015. The bad part of my problem is I know where old pain pill script bottles are at certain places, I never got caught but the temptations bad when I go to a place I've used in the past to score a couple pills. You know those commercials about kids going into medicine cabinets and how you should throw your old meds away? How true it is and unfortunately it's not just kids. I knew eventually I'd slip up why I had to stop. But when your a addict you can convince yourself it's ok and the pill bottle date was two three years old. Sometimes I wished when I was doing that I would have got busted so I would be forced to get help. I guess fate had a different route for me how many people who did what I was doing wish they got help before they got into deep shit. It's like part of me knows it was coming to a cluster fuck mess end and I wanted to stop so bad but the addict side says hey you always got away with it lets have fun. Demons in my head I'm a mess but the good side of me is slowly winning just wish I could be happier and more energetic. I guess part of it is overcoming two long term addictions at once that very few for the most part do so hard to get words of wisdom but I'm sure someone on here has. I know poor me it's fucking pathetic can't stand being like this!
  7. Happiness in sobriety?

    Guess because it was st.patricks day and I was at a place where I could easily obtain oxy made it difficult. I've always been a semi depressed person ever since I was little. That's a big reason I got on adderal in the first place and it did help for several years. But the last two I needed more than adderal simply wasn't making me happy then I turned to the oxy. I can't trust any medication to help with depression I'm on St. John's wart and does seem to semi help but not sure really if it makes a damn bit of difference. I know going back to either drug is not a option but sometimes I must express how I feel and can't exactly do that on my Facebook. I'll say this it has been a bitch stopping adderal but I can easily resist a temptation if it comes across once in awhile. But it's really really hard with the oxy but I guess being synthetic herion that's a good reason why. I just hope others on here don't screw themselves up like I did getting hooked on two strong narcotics it's been the hardest thing to quit just doing everyday shit seems so so boring and hard to not want to just go back into bed and keep waiting for this all to get better but maybe it won't and I must get used to having low ambition and energy forever I don't know this sucks lol.
  8. Happiness in sobriety?

    Btw where is everybody.? It seems like only a handful post or responses anymore. When I quit the first time saw a lot more traffic on this site.
  9. Season 4 irrateded me , why not just wait until season 5 is ready entire season 4 was just a build up to the next season. The show is pretty twisted and more truth about politics is shown then we want to acknowledge. Doug is fucking nuts he scares me more then any show character ever! I already know what will happen to the poor dead guys guys wife next season.
  10. I have found a miracle non prescribed drug after taking this drug everything was fantastic. I've lost weight and care less about any problems energy at a all time high "until it wears off". You don't even need a script most street corners in economically underdeveloped areas supply this miracle substance for a small fee. But it's so good you just keep going back it's really hard to stop but the feeling is soooo good. I care less about material things I sold it all just to get this new wonder drug that helped me stop craving adderal. They call this "crack cocaine" highly recommended to solve all your issues off adderall.
  11. Month two adderall-free

    Congrats I'm a few months ahead relate to all you said. In Jan I did join a gym and have worked out religiously 3-4 times a week it does help but I can run a mile hit up the heavy bag weights come home and want to sit and do nothing (with NCAA tournaments going on sure makes it easy lol) . My first two months I did the same looking for a "safe" alternative and my doctor was pleased to have me be his Guinea pig again. I tried two differnt antidepressants to help boost my mood well after a week on Prozac I stopped that shit is horrible sorry to say worse then adderal in my opinion you feel amped up but still lazy and it screws with your nervous system like somone is scraping a chalk board non stop. After reading up knowing the huge risk I totally lost trust in my doctor never showed up to my last appointment does he call and check up? Hell no he cares less. I could have committed suicide which a high number of people on Prozac do and he wouldn't have known or obviously care. These med giving doctors are some of the worst people on earth they are wreckless use people as test subjects and care less about the long term damage. It's a good idea to try to join a gym you create naturally some of the endorphins adderal makes u may become a gym rat if I didn't have kids I'd prob go everyday doesn't mean I'm cured find myself being a procrastinator most of the time still lazy around the house. But I will say lately it's been getting better look at recovery off this drug the same as rehabbing a torn acl. First u just need rest time for your injury to heal then u slowly start rehab and make yourself stronger. This doesn't happen in one month u can't find a pill to get u where u wish to be faster. Just take it day by day visit this site look for people who have less time off the drug and try to help them. It's no different then NA or AA finding others u can relate to and possibly help while your getting help from others past the stages you are currently going through.
  12. My husband- Advice?

    One thing I might add is understand if you do convince him to stop it will be very hard for you also. Understand the same man who works all day comes home works all night is going to be a lazy guy with no motivation for months. At times yourself you'll want to say scew it get back on the medication when task like even mowing the grass gets put off by him. Your basically going to go from a super man get everything done to a lazy slob who just wants to sit around and watch tv. Don't expect him to quit and be normal he will have a huge crash his brains ability to make the chemicals needed to have normal motivation is gone it comes back slowly each persons timeline seems to be different . I wish you the best of luck.
  13. My husband- Advice?

    I know what your talking about because I've been your husband for the last couple of years. I would work all day come home head right to the garage start working on a project stay up all night take more adderal and go to work again , plus I was taking oxy because my body ached so bad I was really fucked up. My fiancé was also on adderal not to the extreme I was but she really could not criticize me so said nothing. I think if she came forward and said what you did in your post I would have thought about quitting sooner. The problem with the drug is your husband really believes what he is doing is top priority and he in his mind is doing much more for his family vs any mortal man not on this super drug. However once your off the drug for awhile and look back you realize most things you accomplished were just a egotistical goal of perfection for self fulfillment. The best time to approach is a hard one knowing your husbands personality I would consider the best time to act. I think if your children are old enough have them write a letter saying how they want dad to spend more time with them. Ever since I stopped my relationship with my children has greatly increased however my production at work and getting things done has gone way down I'm still struggling. It's a total nightmare to stop it takes months to recover you may lose jobs etc but if you continue on the adderal path you will die very young this stuff is speed your heart will explode and a life of regret is left behind.
  14. Dissapointed in myself, scared...

    I just read your other post so I see your worker buddy takes them. That's going to be hard you need to draw a line in the sand with him tell him don't offer you a pill again your a recovering addict if he doesn't respect that simple say you'll report him that will change his mind. People who use just like cocaine herion etc want others to use with them it makes them feel better about what they are doing so u just need to let him know your done and serious about it. I wouldn't bother telling him why everyone doing this knows it's something you'll figure out yourself until that happens it's the best drug in the world.
  15. Dissapointed in myself, scared...

    I've tried to quit a couple times but kept my script around. But last time I tossed them in the toilet shredded my scripts and told my doctor I'm a adderal junkie. It's way too powerful to have laying around I've had days in the last nearly 4 months I would have gave in if my bottle was in my medicine cabinet. If you don't get rid of the pills cut ties to how you get the script your setting yourself up for failure. It's a huge step to decide to quit but it's even bigger to get the means to easy access to the pills out of your life. I hope you don't get discouraged if your taking it again don't give up on quitting.
  16. Alwaysawesome thanks for being on here supporting us people new to life without adderall. It really helps hearing from people who have made it a year plus.
  17. 3 months seems to be popping up here often must be a bitch for us all to overcome. I'm past the three month going into my 4th soon and it's been very hard but getting better. I'm a father of two both children in private schools my buisness has been crap lately not making money and I feel like a lazy piece of shit. I have no clue on how I will survive but know I'll go down honorably without my pills. My brains gonna kick in here soon I feel it coming on. I've been fucking up my head daily for 8 years so if I'm recovering already in 3 months I'd say the human brain and body is remarkable.
  18. 3 months in

    I feel it may be in some ways harder for us self employed people. I know if I have to be some place to do a certain job I can do it. If I have no work and I work from home it's a challenge. It's so easy to sit on the couch watch tv or play ps4 which I never used to do. But when I first stopped I just wanted to lay in bed all the time so now it's progressed to not wanting to lay in bed but still not doing what I should. I know if I can't do this on my own I can sell my buisness not be broke and can get a job fast. But I'm going to wait it out my job is seasonal and summer will be a good test so for now I'm doing what I have never done letting a balance stay on my credit cards paying the min on loans and living like I guess most Americans do anyways lol. I think that in of itself is a accomplishment in the past quitting I felt my options were to succeed off addy or give up and get the pills again. Now my options are trying to successed in my buisness or working for a company but going back to addy is just not a option. I will say St. John's wort seems to be helping my mood worth a shot if you get depressed off the meds.
  19. When does the anxiety stop???

    Had anxiety stopping Xanax because it causes anxiety so you get more dependent on the drug. Never had anxiety quitting adderal been a lazy ass but not anxious about much. I had horrible anxiety on Prozac beyond belief not sure on the drug your taking but you may research it a lot of the drugs that claim to help that stuff just makes it worse so u get hooked on it to take the edge off.
  20. 3 months in

    I pushed myself today every time I wanted to sit down and rest I kept saying to myself "Keep the line moving" if your a KC Royals fan you know what that means I know it's cheesy but need some inspiration motivation that can keep me moving foward. I look at it this way I gave up sugary drinks couple weeks ago the other day I said screw this why punish myself I'm going through enough so I made some sweet tea thinking how great this will be to have again. You know what I drank a couple sips then tossed it out I did not enjoy the taste as I once did. It's funny how you think something that's not particularly good for you is so wonderful. Then once you go back u realize it's not what your mind built it up to be. I can say the same is true with adderall. I quit before tried it again and it did not solve all my problems however unlike sugar in tea u can easily stop once you take the first pill again your fucked! I'm glad I have no adderal lying around to tempt me.
  21. 3 months in

    Have you tried chromium picolinate? After going on Prozac for a short period of time after stopping adderal for depression I quickly stopped, that shit is horrible it made me anxious beyond belief it was like being on a shit ton of addy but having no good side effects of adderal. Prozac should be classified as a stimulant but a real piss poor one. I read some books about Prozac then I stopped immediately thankfully was only on it two weeks so no real withdraw. That stuff I hate to say is worse then adderal so many suicide and suicide shootings are linked back to Prozac but the company can pay off the government so the truth never comes out. Anyways I read a lot of books about depression etc and one book really showed chromium picolinate to be a somewhat miracle drug for some. It did not really do much for me personally which after reading the book I knew it probbably wouldn't but it seems to be worth a try for anyone getting off addy especially if you have a problem overeating.
  22. 3 months in

    I'm on my 3rd month plus really have had my doubts about quitting lately. Thought I was getting better now I feel like I'm doing nothing again . Im not suggesting that I'm looking to get back on the med or seek it on the streets but see days go by and I get nothing accomplished. Part of me feels like I should give up owning my own buisness I have been pretty successful since 2004 so I hate to give it up. But I just hate doing the busy work office stuff. If I have a call I can get myself motivated if I don't I screw around all day and get little done. I know if start working for a company in my field I'll be a making a lot less money and seeing my family less I'll probbably be even more unhappy. But I just can't get my ass in gear I see all the things pile up I just get overwhelmed and wish I had some adderal to push me through it. Alothough the last couple months on adderal I could not even focus on that kind of stuff I would get some Side-project going and blow everything office wise off. Anyways I guess I'm glad to hear others had the same issue at 3 months but could overcome it. I'm hitting the gym 3 times a week getting plenty of sleep started taking st.johs wart to hopefully help my depression. Just wondering why I'm feeling worse then better! I do feel like I'm letting myself and family down big time right now because I have not been doing what I should with my business to be more profitable barely paying the bills and adding up credit debt.
  23. I recall my life as always wanting a stimulant. As a child i begged my mom for Jolt cola once in a blue moon she would give in. In my teenage years I had a pretty bad mini thin habit this was back in the day of the good mini thins it had ephedrine. That was until I threw up blood realized it was not a good thing to have. In my early 20's in college I smoked weed but would rather have coke any time the offer presented itself. I dated a girl who was on Ritalin had really didn't get hooked on it but grabbed a pill now and again and loved the feeling. Then in my late 20's I got my first adderal script then 8 years later I finally stopped. Just wonder to myself why? Why since a child did I always crave a stimulant? What is my body missing why do I want this stuff? I really don't know the answer I'm coping with each day adderal free better and better. I still have a sugar free redbull most days although it does very little. Just wonder is their some nutrient missing from my body that since a small boy I always craved a stimulant.
  24. Craving a boost since childhood

    Congrats on 3 yrs plus! Just kinda looking back on myself my life which I haven't for several years. Being off addy now then looking back wow did I always seek stuff out since a early age I even got busted in 2nd grade by my sister sneaking a Marlboro reds from my pops smoked them in my room, I hid them in my Ghostbusters car lol. I'll admit tried real meth twice and loved it but I saw what happens to meth addicts and knew it was a very bad drug but had to feel it once in my life ok twice. Looking foward I don't miss the adderal feeling but wish I could have more energy and motivation guess everyday gets better. I feel I wasted a lot of time on so many projects that were for nothing instead of looking to make money I took on near impossible task just to prove I could do them stay up all night taking addy and pain pills restoring things in two months that should take a year. I loved it just totally in my zone nothing else in the world mattered to me except getting my project done then posting them on fb to get some praise but no real money what a waste! I'm regretting a lot of mistakes from the last couple of years and if I didn't stop I'd still be making them and probbably be broke in a year damn near broke now but at least I realize it quit spending money I didn't have.
  25. Found old Adderall.

    I hate going to my sisters I'm 90 days off and no full on cravings for addy. But at my sisters house what's on the table? Well her sons addy prescription "which I told her is a very piss poor decision to have him on them". But look at it this way we have it easy, think of a alcoholic quitting. Think if tv ads had people having a ball on adderal, think if every wedding party had big punch bowl of adderal lol. That's one thing I took away from rehab talking to those people realized why it's so hard for alcoholics to stop. But you did the right thing the first time I stopped addy I kept a bottle stashed and here was my crazy way of thinking to justify it. I thought what if some dooms day scenario took place and I'd need addy to stay up for a couple days gathering supplies to keep my family safe lol. Well now I realize that was a ridiculous excuse and that led me to fail on my first and second attempt. I feel now u cannot quit addy and have any pills around, prescriptions and not tell your doctor your quitting because your a adderal addict.