dunkhi

Define ready to quit. I don't want to use this as a social and studying crutch anymore. But I am in a new period where I use it to help me break out of my shell and meet new people/join new organizations. If I could find a way to eliminate that social anxiety, and be myself around people with out adderall; I would do it in a heartbeat. I've just tried for years and years and have missed out on so many opportunities that I grasped lately. I know I can't keep up with this high of dosage, and I don't want to. I've talked to my Mom about this 100% open, she is a pharmacist and his helping me along the way. I am going to try and start cutting the dosage by 1/4 then 1/3 then 1/2 in the next 3 consecutive weeks. I've had this issue since I was a kid, and I've always used a substance to help me break through the debilitating anxiety. Whether it be marijuana, ativan, propanolol, alcohol, adderall, etc. 6 months ago Present

I have been binging once or twice a week for almost a year at dosages above 100mg per session after a bad breakup that mentally abused me for 2 years. The pain I have from not being able to control this deteriorating enemy, myself is immense. I don’t know if it’s in my DNA to look the other way when faced with repercussions, or if it is part of my character that has been with me since how I was raised as a child. I’ve always tried to find a way to not feel overwhelming anxiety, a crippling disease. This anxiety mixed with obsessive thought patterns has caused me an immense amount of regret that follows me around like a permanent raincloud, dropping particles of guilt and sadness upon me. The most intrinsic personal value that people hold the most is their youth. The thought and apparent physical confirmation of looking into the mirror every day and see a man, not a young boy. Last time at this year people had no idea that I was not their age. Now, almost every time I meet someone new; they say oh “you look olderâ€. I can’t convince myself that this is a coincidence. The timing is too impeccable. I see it in my skin, the way I have deep creases underneath my eyes. It's like the skin around my eyes have become more saggy. My eyes do not hold that sheer gaze of youth and passion anymore. The oxidation and increased gene expression has come full force slapping me in the face. All I do is compare myself to the past, mentally and physically. I judge my intellect, which I fear I have hurt enormously. The amount of damage and shit I put into my brain makes me cringe and shut out the thought. I fear I may never be at the full potential that was given to me at birth. I have altered my future in a detrimental way. I do not feel passionate about anything anymore, I have lost that spontaneous sense of humor that had people driven towards me. I am becoming a cold hearted, wheel in the cog. I can’t even feel erotic emotions in person anymore. The only time I have a libido communicating with me, it’s when I’m thinking about the ex and her infidelity. It’s fucking pathetic and disgusting. My hair, my skin, my face, my passion, my libido, my humor, my curiosity; It’s all fucking gone and I feel like a piece of shit who wasted away his youth. I transferred schools 6 hours away from home, had this ambition that I would be clean and naturally driven by then. It has all snowballed downhill and I am disappointed at myself and guilty for all the hurt I would cause my loved ones if they knew. TLDR - Is all of this in my head, or have I really aged years in a matter of one. If this has happened to you and you have quit, has it reversed?