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Marissa

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Everything posted by Marissa

  1. That balance is definitely what's hardest about figuring any of this out. In college especially. It's a constant negotiation between work and socializing. I've found that when Adderall is thrown in there, the "balance" is nearly impossible.Taking it is committing to a day of isolation, work or no work. And, in my experience, whatever stability I got academically meant complete instability for my mental health, physical health, and relationships. I would choose my unfocused, non-medicated self over my medicated self hands down. But in an academic environment, I feel like I haven't been able to. I'm happy to be graduating and moving on so I don't have to make that decision any more. I'm glad to hear about your son doing well! He must feel great about it!
  2. I've been prescribed Adderall since 7th grade and have been taking it since (I'm a senior in college now). With the exception of last year I've always taken it as prescribed or at a lower dose than prescribed (around 40 mg). I haven't quit yet, but my first and second years of college were spent avoiding it at all costs, so I had a few weeks off of it here and there. Looking back there are a lot of things I wish I knew at the time. Mainly, I didn't make an effort to "quit" so I think it's really good that he wants to commit to that. I think framing his experiences as a part of the "quitting process" will be helpful. If he's extremely tired or hungry, or even depressed, he can know that it's one of the effects of quitting and that it wont be forever. He can also find ways to manage those feelings (I didn't try to because I didn't realize what was going on). I never find the "detox/withdrawl" to be all that bad, but other people seem to. It's intense exhaustion, hunger, and brain fog. I think the hardest part for me during the months that I didn't take it was the psychological dependency on Adderall. Before Adderall I didn't understand school at all. When I started taking it I finally knew what it meant to be a student and enjoy school. I made an early connection between my "smart" self and Adderall. When I went off of Adderall, I felt completely incapable, I felt like I was stupid without it. And those feelings really effected the effort I put into school and everything else. I pretty much abandoned my work because I thought "oh well I can't do it anyway", and when the time came to actually produce work I ended up taking Adderall again. When I quit (in a few days) I am planning on rebuilding my life, basically "starting over". This site has given me the encouragement that I can do it. I'm usually pretty weary of giving advice (especially since I don't know you or your son), but if I had someone in the supporting role that you're in I would want them to know a couple of things. The most important thing is to be encouraging and understanding. Little things, small tasks, without Adderall are huge. And the sense of accomplishment in completing them is immeasurable. For example, a few years ago, I edited/re-wrote a short paper for a class off of Adderall. I didn't expect it to be any good. But when I finished it, I ran all the way to my friends house feeling amazing and I wanted to tell everyone I saw. They didn't understand how big of a deal it was, and it would have been really nice to have had someone there validating how accomplished I felt. Also, before I quit I want to make a plan and ask my friend to help me stick to it. Basically having someone there to say "get up from your bed, you can do it, I believe in you, you need to do this and you'll be glad you did". I hope this helps a little bit! I think it's amazing that your son wants to quit. He has an opportunity to develop true interests, passions, dreams. I really wish I had come to that realization at an earlier age!
  3. I still need to work on a plan, I'm not sure how specific it's going to be or needs to be. But I'm going to look into articles on this site about nutrition because it's become very obvious to me that I have no idea what that is (9 years of adderall, I have no idea what "normal" people eat). I also want to start exercising and stop drinking so much. I remember when I was sober for 5 days in december, I had so much energy, and when I quit I want to harness that into something that's good for me. So far though, I decided to stop drinking until I finish my work because I want to start taking care of myself (as much as I can, on Adderall). It's been 12 days since my last drink, pretty sure its the longest time I've gone without alcohol in 2 or 3 years! Last week was real shitty but now I feel great. Only, I can't sleep because I'm still taking Adderall and I used to drink to fall asleep. By the way, does anyone have any suggestions for this? I'm quitting Adderall on May 2nd, but for now I could really use some sleep tips.
  4. Chris, I hope you're hanging in there, we're both so close to being done! I don't know about you but I daydream about being done with school and finally quitting every day before I take Adderall... it's the only thing getting me through this final stretch
  5. I'm still on Adderall right now so I can empathize with the way you feel. I have no idea what my "true" interests are, what path I want to pursue, or what I'm capable of. On Adderall I built up everything around me. I built and built, senselessly, without questioning why or what for, until I suddenly realized I was enclosed, trapped in an empty space that I truly do not fit within. Without Adderall I can't keep "building" on what I already have, but I think that's for a valuable reason- it's not me. I know I have to start over, without Adderall, and it's kind of scary but also really exciting. You're in a place where you don't know what you want, but you do know what you don't want, and that's your life on Adderall. If you cut the Adderall out of your life now, you're already one step closer to figuring out what you want. You stuck through school, you made it through, despite how difficult it probably was. You finished what you started, and you're totally capable of that. Why not take a chance now, stick it out through the detox, start building anew while you have these few months?
  6. I have so many thoughts about that post weighting4better! I've been wondering the same thing for so long. Mainly though, I don't think there is such thing as "safe-guarding public health", I think this label is what allows such dangerous drugs to circulate in the first place. http://psychrights.org/articles/LossOfClientAgencyAndPICC(Murray2009).pdf Doctors aren't bad people, but I think they are misinformed because knowledge about medications is produced by the drug companies and reiterated as scientific facts. The harm that we've experienced from Adderall, in the scheme of it all, is an "adverse effect" to them. I read somewhere that one of the studies on rats and psychostimulants showed harmful results, and the drug companies "explanation" for it was that the study was flawed: the rats being tested were not ADHD rats, they were normal rats. ADHD rats, they argued, wouldn't have been harmed by medication. It's all interpretation, masked by the authority of scientific truth. I know this sounds conspiracy-ish but there are no definitive "biological markers" for any psychiatric illness even though it's repeatedly suggested. That's not to say that these illnesses or problems aren't real and that they don't effect people, to me that means that these problems are not products of our neurological wiring they are products of our environment and culture. About 65% of the task force for the DSM V is directly connected to the pharmaceutical industry. The psychiatric field and the pharmaceutical industry are co-dependent, they support one another and need each other. So these drugs that are coming out are not in the interest of public health they are in the interest of the industries/fields that introduce them to the public. Sorry for the long post. I feel weird making sweeping statements like this. Maybe Adderall does work for people, maybe it's not harmful to them and never will be, I'm not sure about anything really. But I think the relationship between the pharmaceutical industry, policy-makers, and psychiatrists is incredibly dangerous.
  7. I was reading one of the articles on this site earlier today, the one that's a letter to friends asking for help. I thought the writer put it perfectly when he said "This drug is evil in so many ways. Above all though, when you really realize it, it feels like being used". I think I spent most of my time on adderall not realizing what the drug truly was, and thinking I was at fault for feeling so bad all the time. That awful moment of realization though, paired with the feeling of not being able to stop, it's definitely like being used or cheated. This site is probably the only place that I've seen the "adderall trap" or "adderall hell" articulated and truly understood. It's so hard to explain to people that sort of thing, very few people can understand how complicated it gets, let alone how taxing it can be. I feel like many of the people around me (especially since I'm in college) are thinking "you have adderall, just get your shit done, it should be easy" when in my head it's screaming the exact opposite.
  8. Thinking about the "turning point" in Adderall use. For me I think it was when I realized just how much it effected my social interactions. I stopped taking it to have more fun, started to take it for school (when I "had to"), noticed how horrible I felt and how miserable it was and then ultimately how much I depended on it. It spiraled last year but I felt like I was enduring it, bitterly accepting a dependency that fed into every aspect of my life. When did it turn for you all?
  9. I read somewhere that taking Adderall for long periods of time makes people more sensitive to stimulants in some ways. I definitely notice this with coffee, coffee effects my sleep and my heart rate more than it should, even when I don't take Adderall. Maybe taking Adderall for those three weeks was a similar thing for you because of your previous meth use? I might be talking nonsense, just thinking out loud. The memory thing really scares me. I wonder how much damage I've done to my brain and what I can get back.
  10. I was just thinking tonight about taking adderall "as prescribed" in relation to all the disclaimers on this site. There are definitely people out there who take it as prescribed and never think twice because they don't have to, because they are told they need it and because it helps, because it is their "medication". That's how it used to be for me but it all changed and I can never go back to that mode of thinking. I wonder if it ever really stays that way for some people? Or if the change is inevitable? I just can't imagine taking Adderall (speed) all the time and that being a lifelong, sustainable habit.
  11. Chris I really liked reading your story. I feel like I can relate too in so many ways, you articulated a lot of what I've been feeling as well. I have the same plan as you, final months of the last college semester, quitting as soon as I hand in the last piece of work. I think you can do it, I think you'll be happy you did. Everyday Adderall seems more and more like a pointless drug, and the stories that people share on this site only confirm that feeling.
  12. just yesterday I was thinking about how numbing adderall can be. there's a vague sense of sadness, like you and brandy just said, but it's never truly felt. I'm really happy and excited for you. You can feel again!
  13. It's definitely infuriating, the whole thing. I'm no expert by any means so it's hard to say what the medical community knows or doesn't know, but from experience alone it certainly seems that there is a lack of information. I've spent countless nights, my heart pounding, my mind racing with paranoid thoughts, wondering "when is my heart going to give out?" "is this killing me and I don't know it?" "Can I ever get my brain back?", searching the internet for answers. I never found answers, never found any sort of information that was helpful, except for this site (that's how I found this site!). I spent all year feeling like a victim. Hating, regretting, wishing. I just reread one of my papers from two semesters ago about adderall and it was overwhelming angry, in a weird academic way. After being on this site and reflecting on my use I'm still angry, but more at peace. I think I'm starting to accept where I'm at, realize that I played a complacent role in all of it, and feel content that I know better now (or know a great deal more than I did). I've realized I can't change what is happening in society, but I can try, and until then I can change it for myself. I've always thought that pain is meaningful and this experience only furthers that notion to me. There's a lot that I would never know (in every sense) had I never taken Adderall.
  14. This is really interesting. I'm pretty surprised/fascinated by the recent media coverage about adhd meds. The nytimes has been running a lot of articles lately that criticize pharmaceutical companies and doctors and such. Seems like there is a growing fixation stimulants as a "problem", but in a way that is questioning the bigger picture in a sense, not just the usual "college kids and abuse" stuff. In related news, I saw a few articles that say the company that makes Adderall and Vyvanse is trying to get vyvanse approved for treatment of binge eating disorder.
  15. Jon I think you have an interesting point. I agree, I don't think the medical community understands the gravity of prescribing addictive medication for long term use. I feel like there's a difference in the way the medical community sees speed and the way its actually incorporated into our understanding of it. If it's not working, up the dose, just like anything else. The only problem is adderall and other stimulants aren't like anything else, theyre kind of like a band-aid almost, they don't really "fix" the underlying cause. I can't wrap my head around why that doesn't seem to be more of an issue in the prescribing process. I never really thought about all drugs being legal at some point, cassie. I definitely want to read that book! from what I've read about speed so far is that it came to popularity in the 90's at the perfect moment- when public education was shifting in unprecedented ways and drug advertising restrictions became more lenient. I think there's been debate over which actually came first, adhd or ritalin. Did you know the company that produces vyvanse is trying to get it approved as a treatment for binge eating disorder? I got really sad when I heard about it. I think that relates to what you were saying about cultural demands and drug marketing.
  16. I feel this way a lot, both on and off Adderall. I decide to set boundaries for myself, but that barely works because those are the easiest to break. quit-once makes a good point about other envivronments and structure. Not having the option to put it off, or not do it, can be good motivation. I can relate though. I'm a perfectionist when it comes to writing, and a lot of times the anxiety of producing something I dislike is overwhelming enough to keep me from writing until the very last minute. I get stuck, and even though I haven't completed anything, my brain has been put through enough hell that I tell myself I need a break. The only advice I keep hearing is "just sit down, and write. keep writing even if it's bad, and you can always revise it". I find it extremely hard to follow that advice, but always helpful when I do. Maybe take on a similar mentality? Keep producing, even if it's shit, keep your standards low so that it won't get to you, and eventually you'll piece together a project you're proud of. Then again, I'm in an extremely similar situation as Occasional, so I don't know. Independent work can be so difficult.
  17. I've noticed that a lot of people on this site started taking Adderall when they weren't prescribed it yet, from a friend or something. This has just got me wondering, is it easier to identify "abuse" or "addiction" when a drug/medication is taken out of the medical context? To me, I don't see a real difference between people prescribed it and people who get it from other sources, especially over the long term. In a way, I see the same psychological dependency forming, and the same "need" to take it, for the same reasons. But I'm wondering how much the social context of taking drugs effects the person taking it. I identify as dependent and essentially addicted to Adderall, despite my prescription. But I wonder if I had gotten these pills elsewhere if I would have reached that conclusion in a different way, or maybe even sooner. There's always been the "these are my meds, I need these, the doctor said so" feeling because I've been told that my whole life. But deep down, at least for me, I know that my habits aren't all that different from the people I know who aren't prescribed it. I wonder how much the medical justification for taking pills plays into how we see them and how they effect us. Has anyone else thought about this?
  18. Benzo tolerance escalates so quickly and is so difficult to get out of, given the seriousness of the withdrawl. I hope you're being safe about it, sounds like you're doing your best to find out what's going on. I don't think you should be ashamed though, you're doing all you can at the moment, and these things happen. It sounds so painful, but I think you can get through it. If the withdrawl gets any worse maybe try to get some medical help where you are? Or maybe you have a friend you can trust to make sure you're ok? Sorry if this is no help, hang in there!
  19. Sounds like a lot to deal with... and in 2 years? I can't even imagine. Congratulations on almost a week adderall free though! It's weird living in a sort of chemical haze... a cycle... it complicates everything so much. And getting out of it too, must be just as difficult and confusing.
  20. I can't say I know what you're going through entirely because I haven't stayed off Adderall for that long, but it sounds like you're grappling with a lot of uncertainty about the state you're in and why, which is definitely scary. I think you should be proud of yourself for those 14 months- not only have you managed to stay away from Adderall, you did so while committing to being healthy and "getting out there". Quitting to begin with sounds overwhelming to me, but you have been going beyond that to better yourself and I think that's amazing. I can really understand where you're coming from in terms of wanting to stay away from pharmaceuticals, especially anti-depressants. I mentioned before in another post that the "exit plan" of medications (in my opinion) is rarely discussed or considered. And even though you know what stimulants will do, because we all know they work (from experience), I think the uncertainty you feel now is a result of using medication in the first place. Going back to it stimulants might work for now, but those feelings will still be there. Starting an anti-depressant might cause the same questions to arise: is this me or the drug? There's never a clear answer. At the same time, I've seen friends and family benefit from anti-depressants and not have those feelings. Some of them have taken it for a short bit, gained a sense of balance, and gotten off of them no problem. So, like Justin said, that could be an option worth considering. Maybe if you decide to see a doctor, discuss "short term" plans? Make it clear that you don't want to be on medication, and don't want to be on medication for life, and maybe they will be receptive to that. I also like to consider the notion that things always change and do change, sometimes for better and sometimes for worse. You're making an incredible effort to make things better, and even if they haven't seemed that way, it's probably going to start looking up at some point! It has to right? I don't "know" any of these things, just some thoughts on your thoughts.
  21. I've definitely experienced this 1% feeling, at least on the months that I was committed to taking a break (haven't quit yet). I had pills around "just in case". I remember it clearly, it was the first time I thought about taking adderall to do something outside of school. I knew I had a long shift ahead of me as a dishwasher and the thought occurred to me that it would be so much better if I took adderall before hand just that one time. I would be faster, organize everything so that my next shifts would be easier, and "enjoy" cleaning for 14 hours (or at least find it less awful). I put a pill in my pocket and went to work, but couldn't find it when I reached for it. I found it in my car 3 weeks later. I think about that moment all the time, how grateful I am that it fell out of my pocket because it would've become a regular thing. I just told my friend about this recently and I'm really glad I did. Talking about it, acknowledging that the 1% urge was there, and not being ashamed of it helped me accept my feelings and understand much more about my dependency. It's helping me anticipate what's to come, what I need to be mindful of, and what having pills around "just in case" implies. Really glad you brought this up. I always thought that I would be fine being around Adderall because I hate it so much. I'm realizing more and more that those feelings might not be enough, and that quitting needs to be a 100% commitment in order to restore my mental and physical health.
  22. lil tex, Isorry to hear that, I hate when that happens. I take it as prescribed but I'm not really sure if that means anything anymore because I also think my doctor was completely oblivious and put me on too much to start with. Last year I "abused" it in the sense that I was taking it multiple times a day, different forms, different ways etc. I was a wreck and couldn't stop because I was in a weird cycle of not sleeping, drinking to sleep, taking speed to make up for the hangover, drinking to sleep, etc. When I finally finished the school year I got a horrible fever the minute I stopped taking it. So now I never want to get back to that point in my life, so I take it once a day, but I still am "dependent" on it. Quit-once, I think that's really interesting that you sought medical help specifically for an exit plan. It's no surprise to me that the doctor wasn't of any help. I developed a general mistrust of most professionals (especially medical ones) because of how unhelpful and detached they are. I even told my doctor at some point that I was experiencing heart palpitations, and he payed no mind, kept prescribing it regardless. I also totally get the whole "low life speed" feeling. I feel like the status of these pills as "medications" make them seem cleaner, or more acceptable in a weird way. They're still addictive and harmful though. And no one tells you that until you realize it yourself, when it feels "too late". This website is amazing to me. So many stories resonate, there is definitely a shared understanding here that I haven't seen anywhere else.
  23. I've been trying to understand this growing sense of shame that I feel when I think about taking Adderall. I used to think of it like a daily vitamin, a medication, something that doctors told me I actually "needed" because I had a diagnosed disorder. When I got to college and people referred to it as "speed" I always got defensive. It was my medication, not a drug. But as I've learned more about it and realized that it seemed to help most people focus, regardless of a diagnosis, its role completely changed. I even stopped calling it "my medication". I started referring to it as just Adderall, and now most of the time I just call it speed. At the same time I've become more ashamed of taking it. I don't want my teachers to know, I don't want most people to know, even though I could easily say "I have adhd" and be justified, even though it comes in a bottle with my name on it. Every doctor I've encountered treats Adderall as if it were all black and white: here's a medical problem, here's a medical solution, no question about it. But I see my dependency, and I can never think of adderall or adhd the same way again. I feel like I was lied to or tricked. Was there ever an exit plan? Was it supposed to help me over time? It seems like no one truly understands Adderall (besides you folks). It seems like medications have evolved in ways that no one really acknowledges unless its in regards to "abuse", which is never really defined, but always stigmatized. And I find it bizarre that reaching out to a medical professional, or a psychiatrist, the very types of people that gave me this stuff, would feel pointless and isolating. Just some thoughts I've been having, wondering if anyone else has thought about it too.
  24. I've taken month long breaks from Adderall, and was off of it for most of a year one time (took it every now and then though). The time that I was referring to was only 5 days, but 5 days completely sober, no substances besides cigarettes and coffee. It was bad for the first two days (withdrawl?) and then I woke up feeling like a completely new person. Adderall has definitely contributed to the way I use other substances... partially to cope I guess. I noticed other people on the forums had the same problem. Hoping it will get easier once I stop taking this drug.
  25. I don't usually run out early, it depends. There are some points in my life that it got bad, and I can hardly remember any of it. It's hard to believe that all the paranoia, anxiety, obsessiveness, and pain can be so overwhelming and real, but at the same time, chemical. How long did it take you to feel level-headed? I was sober for a bit, and felt ecstatic most of the time. When I had a bad day though, woke up sad, I was searching for a concrete reason because I was so used to thinking "oh this must be the Adderall, etc". When a friend told me that's just what happens, that people have bad days, it felt like I was experiencing real sadness for the first time.
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