nosleep_ox

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Everything posted by nosleep_ox

  1. I will never get away

    ^^ agreed. I've found countless quotes to help me better understand and cope with this addiction too, another one that really hits the nail on the head for me is "You can suffer the pain of change or suffer remaining the way you are.†― Joyce Meyer
  2. I will never get away

    Hey ddw5053 -- I read back to your previous posts and I can say I have totally related to a lot of the things you've said in a lot of your posts. I found myself in a very similar cycle as you, ending up taking adderall just to stay up all night thinking about my addiction. Can I ask when was the last time you took any stimulants?
  3. In need of support

    Hey zoog! Just wondering how things are going for you so far? I read your post about a month ago whenever you first posted it and found so much in common with my own situation. I guess I didn't reply sooner because I don't even know where to begin. Everything you said is exactly how I have been feeling, for basically the same amount of time. I'm also 23 just finished up college, no real idea about what kind of career I should pursue, etc, etc.. And of course the adderall. I've been using and abusing it starting around the same time in college and have been in the vicious cycle ever since. Anyway, let me know how things have been going! Feel free to direct message me too, I think we have a lot to relate to each other !
  4. Pittsburgh!

    Anyone in or around the Pittsburgh area?? I know there's gotta be atleast someone! Feel free to reply here or direct message me if you are. Everyone's story's and comments are appreciated but I would especially love to chat with anyone who is nearby!
  5. To Recovering Addicts

    Okay so I haven't posted on here for a WHILE and a lot has happend since the last time so I'll skip most of those details. Basically last year I was a full blown addict failed my classes and was extremely unhealthy. Fast forward to this past august, I got healthier over the summer and got a waitressing job while I took online classes living at home. I still have been filling my perscriptions once every month for 60 twenty-mg tablets. I think the main reason I got healthy at home over the summer even though I still had my scripts was because at home I wasnt buying more from other people like I was at school. Fast forwar to now I just am so sick of the cycle. Every month I fill my script and run out a week or two early because once I take one I can't stop myself from taking more throughout the day. Everytime I go sometime without it and get back into a normal routine without adderall, I always make note to myself "I felt fine today I really don't need adderall for anything r". But I always fill my script when it's timeI because I feel like I'm subconsciously always counting down til I get adderall again. In reality, IT FUCKS MY LIFE UP. It ALWAYS will make me feel shitty after. And it gets worse and worse each time. I got a lot better from last year and the summer once I got a job to keep me busy but now I know I'm slipping again. Adderall controls the events that take place in my life. I couldn't go hang out with this guy I'm talking to tonight because I stayed out too late on adderall last night and now Im too tired and don't have any left. If adderall wasn't involved, who knows how I would have really spent my weekend. I'm destroying my body and brain. How many years of my life do I want to cut off? For me there is either life on adderall or life free of adderall. There is no I between for me. There is no take it as needed for school work or for a long drive or anything for me. I am an addict. Those of you who were once addicted to and abused adderall and now have been without it for some time, I need your help. I need to find out how to enjoy life without the need of any substances. I know I already have everything I need within me, but how can I get genuinely excited for things and live day to day feeling like I used to. Will I ever get over feeling like I wish I had adderall right now or do I need to accept the fact it won't ever be te same for me again. Or can it be better and just a different kind of normal? I want to be the kind of person who wakes up in the morning and is excited to live the day. I don't want to rely on anything for motivation. How can I be content living my life free of substances?
  6. To Recovering Addicts

    Thank you guys all so much for your responses. I really appreciate you taking your time to give me feedback. I've known I have to quit for a while now I just feel like there's always a part inside of me that's not really fully committed. It's like when I'm crashing at the end of my supply I hate myself and every part of me realizes how vital it is for me to quit for good. Then a couple days pass and I'm over the initial major sleepiness and go about my days without any problems. But then a week or so later it's time I can fill my script again and I start getting physically excited before I even get to the pharmacy. I know that's just my cravings and my addiction, but I don't know what it's gunna take for me to really fully commit, it's like I'm waiting for rock bottom. THAT makes no sense but that's how my addiction and my self are constantly battling. When and how can my self trump my addiction and not the other way around. Do you guys remember the moment you decided to REALLY quit? How was that time different than other times you tried to quit.
  7. hey everyone - Its hard for me to express myself through writing, especially on things like this because none of you know who I am so I need make sure I explain things in terms of what I really mean. I really don't even know where to begin because I get so overwhelmed when even thinking about this whole situation. I'm just going to give you a broad overview of my story by describing the problem, cause, and then solution (the hard part). First a little background info about ME. I'm am a 21 year old female in my senior year of college. First prescribed 10 mg adderall XR sophomore year in high school but never abused it until... its hard to remember exactly...but probably not until my junior year in college? Ive had issues with anxiety my entire life - I was put on 50mg zoloft middle/end of my senior year in high school - huge help. I am 5'2 and....95 lbs....I am currently prescribed 20mg adderall XR once a day... now to the problem. At this point, I go though my own script in about 6 days. So doing the math thats 600mg/6 days...yeah I'm up to around 100 mg ON AVERAGE a day but I can say sometimes its up around 120. Then i have to buy from other people which blows through my monday at the speed of light...My sleep schedule is so beyond fucked. During the school week I usually pull at least 1 or 2 all nighters just because I can't sleep for the life of me. The rest of those nights I probably get no more than 4 hours at best. When friday rolls around, i'm lucky if I am even able to nap. The only nights where I can fall asleep with minimal trouble is the nights when I am drunk and went out. Then I sleep literally the entire day...like I get up and its dinner time or later. Ive lost a shit ton of weight and I hate it and I am embarrassed by it. I see myself and notice how I can see my veins outlined in my forearm and wrists and think "fuck...i really gotta change" and then go on about my day. I am killing myself and watching it happen. Not to much the ciggs I smoke every 4 seconds.. Honestly I think a big cause of taking so much adderall is not just the pill's effects...I am 100% addicted to adderall WITH cigarettes. Dont get me wrong, I will take an adderall if I cant have a cig but i hate it and I crave it the whole time. The days when I dont take adderall, I hate ciggs and never want one. I havent felt out myself losing control until this past summer...long story short I met this guy in may of 2012. another thing i should mention is i have really really bad self esteem...i dont know why but i always have. so anyway yeah i met this guy in may and he was the first guy in a longgg time that i got excited about. He was also the first guy in a long time that I was really attracted to AND comfortable around AND showed interest in me. I found myself up at night googling bullshit like "how to know if hes a player or the real thing" blah blah etc etc. We just randomly met one night at the bar, I didnt know who he was friends with or any of that. needless to say i stalked his facebook and saw his ex gf was basically a model so that was also comforting.... so in my mind, this super hot guy is showing interest in ME....why? made the decision I cant live my life being scared of that and I have to take risks. he graduated in June and then summer came, and I decide to live at school. He lives about 2 hrs from school and I live like 3 hours from school so the distance from my house to his house is like 4 hours. I told my parents oh yeahhh im just gonna get a job down here, i mean im already paying rent anywaysss..(i just wanted to be closer to him so it would be able to keep things going). We were officially dating all summer even though something in my head always doubted him... he was shady to say the least. saw eachother pretty much every weekend bc he had a job during the week: he would come to me and I would go to him. During the week I would literally just pound adderall and chain smoke ciggs while i thought about our relationship. its pathetic i know but thats what happened. when he wasnt answering my texts or something my mind would go "fuck it i just need to take more adderall to numb my feelings and maybe get drunk and have fun" flash forward to now: we broke up but thats a whole other story in itself. right before that though i found myself OBSESSING about trying to catch him lying, cheating, etc etc. I would spend HOURS and HOURS on the computer searching facebook twitter and whatever else trying to find puzzle pieces to put together. now broken up, I don't do that AS much but its only because I have his passwords to everything so I can just go right to the source. Okay yeah i know im insane but i swear i don't stalk as much anymore. now when Im up late im just googling nothing and i dont even know what --- pretty much addicted to adderall, ciggs, and the internet. WHY??? WHY did i get this way. I wish i could talk to my parents about it but that basically means leaving college. My dad is very intense and would pull me outta here in a heartbeat if he ever learned I was fucking around with my adderall. He knows I take it but def doesnt think I abuse it. I am an only child and my parents are both older and traditionalists. My mom doesnt work and is mess of anxiety, OCD, depression you name it. she revolves her entire life around me and basically tries to live through me. My dad works out of town during the week and comes home on the weekends. He is our only source of income and makes a very good so we are pretty well off. I have drug addicts on both sides of my family who have caused huge problems so I feel like if i let this out -- I will be categorized just like them. I mostly just feel like that would break my dad's heart into pieces. I am minoring in info tech which is what he does, and he LOVESSSS hearing about my classes and what i'm learning and I can just hear in his voice how happy and proud he is of me that his only daughter is growing up to do the same work he does. never in a million years did I picture myself going into such a hard field of study (i didnt get the best grades in highschool). SO if i tell my parents, i feel like i will be throwing the dream of working in the IT field away, I will be a druggy loser/bad person to my parents, and all my friends will judge me too. (my friends all know I take adderall...a lot...but i have never came out and been like I NEED HELP) to anyone. I made an apt with a school therapist to see if they could be of any help...espeically because ive been missing a lot of classes due to my superb sleeping patterns.... but IM SCARED. At times I just want to drive home and ball to my parents and just STOP EVERYHING. This whole situation scares me and makes me feel so guilty. I read some of your guys' posts and stories, some like ashley's and kathleen's, relate to how I feel very much and i would really really appreciate any input/advice. I would love to hear everyone's and anyones repsonse to my lengthy post. If you feel like your experience really relates to mine, feel free to message me because theres a lot of things I left out and a lot of things about me and my experience that I should go into deeper. Please, anyone, talk to me ... where do I go from here?
  8. been running on empty way too long

    Helloooo everyone - (this turned out to be a tad more lengthy than anticipated ) It's been a while since my last post on here, I think I left off back in nov/dec when I really felt myself slipping, up to 100-120 mg a day and basically just trying to figure out how to fix my situation. I haven't gone back to reread my last update but I think I probably talked about how/if I should tell my parents, how to go about continuing college classes while quitting, etc etc. Even though I see that my last post was on a positive note, things have no looked up for me since then. In a nutshell - I was fortunate enough to get all of my absences from class erased so I finished first semester with all B's, planning on getting my health in check over winter break and see my old therapist. During winter break, I continued the adderall at home, running through my script of 60 twenty-mg tabs in about a week/week in a hald. I also saw my old therapist who I used to see for anxiety, but she wasn't any help at all and seemed to lack any sort of knowledge in terms of adderall addiction/abuse. At this point, my parents knew I was struggling in a general sense, since I was seeing my therapist - but I didn't tell them any specifics as for the drug abuse/addiction, so they were just aware that I wasn't have an easy time dealing with whatever... Time for second semester! Completely unprepared to say the least - I should have never enrolled in classes and taken a break to REALLY get healthy...but nope. It's hard for me to actually remember the beginning of the semester but I know within the first week I was emailing my teachers about missing classes. From mid January to May, the all-nighters were a usual for me, I made a habbit of isolating myself from all of my roomates (I lived with 4 girls and our 5 best guy friends lived in the front portion of the duplex) so basically I made myself have no social life and turned into the roommate who was never around and always sleeping and whatever else. I wasted potentially one of the best years of my life, senior in college living with all of my closest friends - all for fucking adderall. The worst part is that the entire semester I would cry about that very fact but just let it continue that way. Nearing the end of the year, I was so cracked out and depressed at the same time that I would stay up all night and day working on papers or assignments due for my classes, but I would never finish in time, so I wouldn't even end up going to the class. I know it's fucking INSANE, i have ten page papers saved on my computer for a class I never even went to the day to turn in. Idk if you get this, but after staying up all night allllllll the time, when the mornings roll around and it's time to start the day, my brain tweeks out and I get too much anxiety about actually going to class and I get kinda paranoid like making sure i;m still functioning like a normal person. By this time I had told my parents because I was so distraught and just all over the place emotionally. They were very sympathetic and concerned for my well-being totally not the old disciplinarians I was used to in high school. My sprial downwards ended with F's in all four of my classes - 7 courses still needing completion for graduation, and probably the health of an 85 year old.. flash forward to now: my parents think i've been off my adderall since end of April. we had talked about the plan being after that semester ended, I would come home and spend all summer getting healthy. I don't thinkt they know much about adderall addiction/abuse, but they said they had been reading on it...so who knows what they actually think. Unfortunately, I gave in and filled my next script for May because I just couldn't not fill it, I still had the papers. I get a refill on Sunday..... If you're still reading this I am so appreciative that someone is hearing me out, I know that was just a big jumbled summary of my situation, but my main point is that i really don't know what to do. i have no idea who i am anymore or how to feel comfortable enough in my own skin just to get through the day. The days/weeks I don't have adderall the past few months, all I do is sleep, eat, and watch tv. any kind of mental/physical engagement is just uncomfortable and exhausting. I never expected to find myself dealing with this type of addiction problem, and it's so scary for me, knowing that I could potentially really fuck up the rest of my life because of now. I just want to be healthy mentally and physically like a 22 year old girl should be, but i cant stop working against myself! Again, if you're still with me here - thank you so much for spending your valuable time reading about my life and struggle. If you feel like you can relate to any part of my experience and/or my attempts to explain how i'm feeling right now, your response would be so helpful for me right now. I feel like my once familiar reality, my sense of self, is just in pieces right now and I have no idea how to return to normal and live a fulfilling life, adderall-free. Thanks guys I am SO thankful for anyone's thoughts !
  9. been running on empty way too long

    HEY GUYS.. okay so just wanted to update you on my weekend at home --- Saturday and Sunday I didn't take ANY adderall...besides sleeping late into the day, after I actually got up I felt relatively good. I ate a ton but it felt like heaven. I went shopping and out to eat and saw a movie...and today I actually got up BEFORE NOON!? and wasnt even tired.... has anyone out there ever NOT have a terrible experience with withdrawal coming from 100 ish mg / day? And yeah i took adderall today because I had to make the drive back to school. Winter break is when i'm all-out quitting but this past weekend definitely eased my nerves about quitting.
  10. Anyone suffer from insomnia after quitting??

    Ashley - I got mine in Pittsburgh at a Giant Eagle.. but i've seen it in Kroger and some Walmarts in other states too.. I would just check in any big supermarkets that you're closest to !
  11. Anyone suffer from insomnia after quitting??

    Jennablu - hey, hope you're doing well.. I read that you believe sam-E was the culprit of your insomnia - good job! I am quiting over winter break and am thinking about buying some myself ... how has it worked for you in terms of combating the withdrawal from adderall? Also **if you find yourself still struggling with insomnia ever - get some KAVA tea.** it's made by Yogi and they have a bunch of different kinds - but get the one that says "stress relief" but make sure it says Kava! It's honestly the best ever. I don't really believe in all of the other "stress relief" and "calming / soothing" teas like chamomile and whatever else - but Kava...I swear by it! Look it up for the background info (its actually illegal in a lot of countries) but not the US...i just wouldnt recommend drinking 5 cups a night. But I drink it when I think I might have trouble falling asleep and it completely relaxes me and makes me ready to fall right asleep. Good luck!
  12. 8 years on adderall going cold turkey tomorrow morning

    hey sickofspeed: How is it going so far?? One supplement I found useful when I went without adderall for a couple weeks last year was L-Tyrosine. You can get it at any super market and its with all the other natural supplements and vitamins/minerals. It really did help, making the withdrawal not as bad as it could have been. I am also planning on quitting but not until my winter break so I will have a break from classes. I was reading about SAM-e, another supplement which I plan on buying - look it up! I'm curious how many mg were you taking before you decided to go cold turkey? Hope you're doin well! Update us
  13. been running on empty way too long

    Well last night I went to bed around 4 am and slept until 10 pm.... Haven't quit yet but I'm worried I won't be able to make it until winter break at my current state if use... My roomates are "worried for me" according to my friend. I'm embarrassed and I just wanna cry. I can't tell my roomates what I'm going through because they all gossip amongst each other and I know they'll judge me. I'm trying to make it until winter break when I will really quit but it just seems like too long to keep going how I'm going.
  14. been running on empty way too long

    thanks so much you guys. just knowing there are people like you who will take the time to read others' stories and then take the time to write sincere responses, is so comforting to me and means more than you know. I literally have no one in my life right now to discuss this with - openly and honestly. So thank you so much again. Right now my plan is to try to finish out this semester to the best of my ability - not making any drastic changes until I'm done with classes. The day I get home to spend winter break is the day I plan to go on adderall free. I know what i'm in for because I'm expecting the worse. I've "quit" before but not from such high doses and not for longer than a week. I plan on sleeping A LOT and just detoxing, relaxing, and revitalizing my body and mind the best i can with out ANY work/academic responsibilities. But what if I really really struggle to recover when I'm at home and my parents ask me what the hell is wrong with me? Do I say oh im just in the process of recovering from mad adderall binges - dont worry. Or do try to be a normal person and get up at normal times and be active during the day? How do I handle being adderall free at home and not telling anyone what I'm going through? This winter break (about 30 days long) is my ONLY time I have to get my shit together. Next semester is my last semester of college and its going to be a tough one in terms of my course load...and im telling you right now there is no way in hell i will make it through if im still stuck in this adderall cycle thats currently my way of life. UGHHH I HATE IT i hate that adderall is the sole conductor of my life. Like i dont want to do anything without it. it controls my plans, my mood, my thoughts, my feelings, my appetite, MY EVERYTHING. i just wish I could remember how to function like a healthy human being without amphetamine salts. Sure, there are days here and there when i go without it (obviously not by choice), but its not THAT bad...I just get really sleepy, really often. Its not like painful to go about my day - its just I wanna sleep more than the average person..(of course sleeping is the last thing I wanna do when Im on adderall). but still - thats only ONE day. I live a day fine without with...but i always go back to it when I get some. Thinking about never taking adderall again and living my whole life without it...is...scary. Anyway----- id love to hear your insight about how to handle my winter break and how to prepare for it because you guys are pretty much my therapists right now haha.. I also am interested in your struggles, what parts about being on/off adderall did you find most difficult? so thankful to hear from you guys and I look forward to your and more members' responses. “Life is like riding a bicycle. To keep your balance, you must keep moving.†― Albert Einstein
  15. ]Hey guys, I am 21 year old female and a junior in college. I was prescribed adderall 10 mg xr in highschool which really helped my grades. However, I hated how it made me feel (less sociable, not hungry, took the fun out of being around my friends, etc). So, I stopped taking it towards the middle of senior year. At this point, I noticed my anxiety really taking a toll on my life so I also was put on zoloft 50 mg. After being on zoloft and off adderall, i felt great - completely anxiety free. So then sophomore year of college, i started taking adderall again kind of on an as needed basis (i still had my prescription, i just filled it way later than I actually got it). since i am now able to take it without the anxiety effects, i slowly started taking it more and more. At this point, a junior in college, i can see adderall becoming a bigger and bigger part of my life - and i don't want that. I hate having to worry about "am i taking too much? i'm going to run out of my script too early...who can i buy some from? am i addicted? blah blah". right now I take 30 mg twice a day on average (but i'm, only prescribed 20 mg xr once daily). also - 5'2, 105 lb. I'm sure all of you have heard similar stories and have dealt with cases very similar to mine. Clearly I need to stop taking it. About a month ago (spring break), I went 9 days with out it and felt completely fine, other than a little over-sleeping. I have 4 more weeks of school left. Finals will be in two weeks. My question is: should I try to cut back NOW? or, completely stop after done with this year - and not take it at all this summer? Any advice is greatly appreciated!