SoBadItsFunny

I finished my vile yesterday, March 14th. That was the final bottle. It has to be the final bottle. This is not the first time I've done this. I've been through this once before, but the difference this time around is I am able to recognize the warning signs. I know that if I go another month, another bottle, I'll need much more than my own help out of the hole I've dug for myself. November of 2011 I was sick and tired of being sick and tired (sound familiar?) and so I waved my white flag. I admitted I had a problem... a couple problems... and agreed to go to a 30 day in-patient rehab. That, my friends, was just the very beginning of a very new beginning. I thought, just as I walked into a 30 day in-patient rehab, I would walk out. Silly me. Little did I know that when you hit rock bottom, you have to climb your way back up. That's exactly what I did. Who I was didn't exist anymore. My identity was shattered and I had no choice but to learn patience and create a new one... Fast forward... July of 2012 I started taking Vyvance. Why? "BECAUSE I HAVE ADD!!!" duh. Hah don't we all... July of 2013 My Psychiatrist prescribe me my drug of choice (can you guess what drug?) annnndddd I was off and running faster than eve before! Although I always took at least one pill over the daily amount I was prescribed, I refused to admit to myself I was not in control. Not so slowly, but surly, things began to make a familiar turn... And here we are: My anxiety at the point where I can't get myself to leave the house, I continuously make lists and plans and plans of lists but never act on them, I go 36 hours without sleeping, I jump ten feet in the air when a fly unexpectedly zooms into my sight, I eat hummus and crackers as my main meal, I'm never happy, Im always unsatisfied, my sadness is acknowledged but I can't really feel it. I've pushed all my friends, lost all motivation to peruse my dreams, and feel nothing. I am numb. Well, lucky for me I have...had my adderall to pull me out of my funk! How could I care so much about something that, turns me into this... this sad sad little girl? BECAUSE THAT IS WHAT IT DOES, to me at least. These tendencies are all too familiar. First step? Admitting you have a problem. Confessing my problem to a friend took immense power away from the driving force. The secret of the affair is out!! I am able to stop focusing on the problem and start focusing on the solution. Decision One: I chose to have the 'Grand Goodbye' by spending one final day with my favorite person in the whole wide everything, Me, high on adderall. That was yesterday. I think what is important to touch on is this, Adderall was never an evil. Adderall did not destroy my life. The choices I made are the choices I made, If anything Adderall was my buddy. My buddy, Addy. Yesterday was the first day in months I felt something other than panic. I was... am sad. It was time to say goodbye to what has been my closest companion. Adderall made me think the world of myself! When I was with my buddy my mind GO to places its never been and just cReAtE, and that's the problem. I would only think about who I would become, I wouldn't do the footwork. Eventually Addy was yielding me from becoming the absolutely stupendous someone I know I can be! Fortunately, I was able to recognize that taking Adderall was the cause of my handicap and since I was no longer able to see myself perfected by the drug... I began to fall out of love with, Addy. I love but am no longer in love. The ability to see the faults in the drug rather then myself is nothing less then a godsend. Addiction is invisible until it goes BOOM!!! The moment you catch the slightest glimpse of it's resemblance, I advise you don't ignore it. Addiction to adderall does NOT mean you are a bad person. It does NOT make you less than. This is NOT an issue of morality. However, it is an issue of chemical dependancy and it is an issue that must be acted upon in order to overcome it. Fighting addiction, no matter the vice, is a painful process. But hey...Nobody gets through unscathed. Just remember the end result: your happiness... I'll keep telling myself that. Wish me luck! Day 1. "You have brains in your head. You have feet in your shoes. You can steer yourself in any direction you choose. You're (NOT) on your own, and you know what you know. And you are the guy who'll decide where to go." - Dr. Seuss

Ashley, one of my key realizations that I REALLY needed to stop taking adderall was when I started obsessing over strange, and too embarrassing to mention, habits. When it first started I didn't think anything of it, but then the compulsions started taking over HOURS of my life. I had no control to stop my behavior. While in the act I would literally be telling myself to stop over and over and over again and no matter what, I couldn't stop. Not only was I frustrated with myself, but I was also concerned. On days that I didn't take a pill (or 4) because I ran out, I noticed the behavior was not nearly as intense...but it was still there. I think whets important is to note that the more you do something, the more you will do something. Is it possible that the OCD the adderall brought to the surface is nothing more than bad habits? Whether it be cleaning or counting; physical or mental... the more you practice the behavior, the more habitual the behavior becomes. I know, easier said then done. Breaking bad habits is difficult and a process, but vital. If you think this could be whats causing your OCD and need some pointers I'd be happy to share a few hits that have helped me in the past.