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Beback17

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Everything posted by Beback17

  1. Thank you LILTEX. I really needed to hear that today.
  2. Wow Lowkee, you are kind of a badass. Quitting A and smoking at the same time - Bravo!
  3. I'm glad you posted this. Don't feel ashamed. The folks on this site can be very helpful and a huge source of strength when you quit. LILTEX is right, especially #4 - your addiction is rationalizing and trying to convince you to keep taking adderall. You can make it through work, trust me. I was taking a very high dosage (all day every day) and was able to get through work when I quit. I did have to take a few sick days because I literally couldn't get out of bed, but that was in the first week. It has only been 29 days since stopping adderall, and I stll have days where work is painful, but it is getting better. And guess what - I'm happy, I feel sad and its ok, I feel joy and that is ok too. I can sit with my feelings because there isn't that lingering guilt and paranoia (self hate) that comes with Adderall. We all know what that feeling is and it is terrible. keep logging onto this site and look into some supplements that will help with Adderall withdrawal. They certainly help in the beginning. Sending positive thoughts your way!
  4. ha! nice to know I'm not the only one. Seems we all experience the same B.S. to one degree or another. Monday to Wednesday last week was pretty great at work, then Thursday hit and I burned out again. I love the subject matter of my profession and loved it before I used Adderall, hoping the motivation comes back. the knowledge is there, but everything seems like such a fucking chore. The withdrawal symptoms are beginning to fade, one day off, three day on - it comes and goes. How do I create my "days off" timeline. Until then = 4 weeks off of Adderall!!!
  5. It is not gone, only temporarily. Sounds like you have forgotten how to live. I only used prescribed Adderall for almost a year, but I quit almost 3 weeks ago and going back is not an option. Because my time on it was shorter, though I took double what you take for the last three months, I can function without. However, I do know what it is like to lose your ability to function in life. I battled heroin and speed addiction in my early years and it took almost 3 years of inpatient/outpatient rehab, groups and 12 steps, therapy and programs to become a functioning member of society. it was not "horrendous" as one may think. It was very deep and calm and balancing and I am blessed to have had the opportunity to go through it So I know how hopeless you feel right now. this is why I can't go back to that "medication" because I have an intimate understanding of what it means to hit rock bottom. I don't care if I'm mildly unorganized and do things out of order. I was successful like this before, I will continue to be successful. You may be passed the point of just walking away with your own might, rehabilitation may teach you a few things and will help you connect with others so you don't have to do it alone. consider it. you are unemployed, so take advantage of that. Start from the bottom and work your way back up with this thought in mind: Where will I be in a year if I stay on this medication - versus - will where I be if I go to rehab and build my life back up. Good luck to you.
  6. Thanks Renascido I guess it is just a matter of accepting that work does not feel fun for the time being.
  7. I've been off of adderall for only a few weeks, and it is very up and down. It's not as "terrible" as my mind amagined it to be, but it is still pretty challenging. I have no urge to take it, I have no choice actually. The only choice I have is to make the best of my days with the way I feel and to be easy on myself. One thing is certain - Work Sucks!!!!!!!!!! And I've never felt this way about my job. I did fine before I started to take this medication. I'm still good at what I do, but I want to pull my hair out when I'm there. If I could break it up into 2-3 hour spurts of work and do things like exercise, nap, watch an episode of my current series in between those "work spurts," that would be optimal. There is no way my employers would go for that, lol. ​I've heard many of you discuss this blah work phase, when does it improve?? even the smallest improvement would be great. I assume it will be up to me to muscle through full force until that "motivation muscle" is working independently again. Thanks guys
  8. And Frank - Yes, I can have roller coaster emotions when I am using or coming off of adderall. I've had friends who are bi-polar, and that is a whole different ball game.
  9. I didn't lash out at Frank. I returned the "brutally honest" favor and have him my straight forward view of his posts. Look, I'm not on here to analyze each other and get analyzed. I'm on here to let all of the crap that was going on inside of my head out. I can't do that with my day to day peeps. Sometimes people just need to hear - "I hear you, I've been there and I'm still alive. You will get through this" that's it. Simple. And Frank is, in my opinion, somewhat passive agressive.
  10. To Frank: no, I'm pretty even keeled. But I have noticed your passive aggression, I've noticed that the whole time I've been coming on this site during the last year. you may want to look into that.
  11. Not sure if this is really a "tell your story" topic, but it is part of my story - here it goes. so, after running out of my prescription last Tuesday, I white knuckled it through a tough couple of days. I actually started feeling rather happy on Saturday. I was feeling like myself again and forgot how wonderful it was not to be paranoid and stressed and anxious all of the time. Work is not as fun as it is on Adderall, but I love my profession so I know that motivation will return. Well, yesterday morning I got a voicemail from the prescribing doctor's office to let me know my prescription was ready to pick up. Grrrr, I spent so much time wrestling with it in my head until I just went and got it. $15 later, I was 90/30 deep in legal speed and feeling even more stressed. I took 1 30, screw it, threw another one in for good measure. There I went. Haha, when I got to the office, I did the following: quickly cruised through email inbox peed like 8 times trained a new paralegal on her Outlook settings and even popped over to her cubicle to "revamp" her how inbox set up. (wtf!!!) finally, proceeded to re-do a checklist we use for work product in excel format - for 2.5 hours. Oh, I finally figured out how to keep the "page break" look without the lame page number watermarks. Ended up having to leave, which made me sad. Proceeded to worry about nothing, google every random fucking thing that went through my head. Micromanage my daughter while the thought "i'm such a shitty mom" ran through my head periodically. Oh yeah, I also emailed some internet protection company about signs that someone installed spyware on my iPhone and how I can prove it I then laid in bed last night, thoughts swirling through my head - and suddenly I noticed - they were all negative and bad. they all had this undertone of self hate and suspicion of everyone. I was suffering so much I began crying. I knew - this drug has robbed me of my light and my happiness and my relationships and my life for almost 12 months and being off of it and feeling myself come back - only to take it again and experience the soul hijack - even my cat was looking at me funny. FUCK THAT I flushed those little assholes down the toilet and went to sleep. I know, I know, it's bad to flush medication into out water systems. but that was the only way. yesterday evening SUCKED. people at the stores weren't as friendly and they all seemed as though they knew, lol. Well, I'm not cool with that feeling anymore Now I know that this medication is terrible for me and is capable of ruining my life should I continue use.
  12. Awesome! Thanks LILTEX41. #8 is on point. I've always had to use cardio to soothe my natural anxiety/jumping off of the walls personality. Helps when you have to make a big decision or just have to clear the "cobwebs"
  13. I've been off of Adderall for almost a week, but I like to think I was aware of the affect this drug had on my behavior. I am a woman, so I'm on the other side of the coin, but it DID totally mess up my ability to have a decent relationship with anyone. All of the behaviors you list in your post are typical. I had an off and on again relationship with a man I care for deeply, and the awkwardness that Adderall caused was chaos and cut the budding relationship off at the knees. I started taking it 3 weeks into our relationship and I could tell, he could tell, something was off. I actually wish he would have said something, but he tends to keep things tucked inside. I'm sorry you are going through this, but I think you need to leave and let him figure it out himself. Try to put your feelings aside and consider the following scenarios: Scenario 1: Keep trying to fix him. he will most likely unconsciously lose respect for you and grow to dislike you. You will become an enabler and he will continue his use. you will be miserable, and he will get worse: Scenario 2: You take responsibility for your own happiness and accept reality. you tell him why you are leaving and that you wish him the best - do not give him an ultimatum - Just tell him what you are doing and why, and leave. 1 of 2 things will happen: 1) time will pass (maybe a lot of time) and he will really begin to miss you and think about things. he will also have more respect for your because you stood your ground and you chose your happiness over his addiction. he will begin working to quit for HIMSELF because he will realize he lost a good thing. He will try to win you back; OR 2) He will continue using and bottle up his emotions or manipulate you to come back. If this is what he does - dump the motherfucker for good, he's not worth it. this will ultimately test his character. But I can't stress the point enough, you have to tell him ​why you are breaking up with him - because his Adderall use is causing behaviors that are not acceptable for you. Good luck Chica! And DO NOT do what some chicks do - follow him into Adderall hell. that is just stupid!
  14. you guys are pretty awesome for sharing your stories and giving support. I feel good today and work was fine. it was not the dialed in whirlwind of frenzy clock racing it is when i'm taking adderall, but I was happy and content. That is part of the high, numbing out to work. I don't want to get my prescription tomorrow and honestly, I don't have a choice now. I just tested positive for pregnancy yesterday, and there will be some decisions to make in the coming weeks. taking Adderall isn't really copasetic with my current state. Every one of you deserves to be happy, healthy, successful and amphetamine free. for reelz.
  15. Though my appetite has increased - obviously - I love nut and fruit mixes. I pretty much eat the same stuff I did while taking Adderall just more of it. watermelon! I love eating watermelon. Salad is good, and I find my mood is improved when I eat veggies. I'm going to go back to watching my intake this week to avoid putting on more pounds and to avoid not getting accustomed to overeating. I've been cycling and running. I think I am unconsciously planning on doing a triathlon because I have a desire to throw swimming in the mix. I'm have an addictive personality and I'm known to get crazy with the exercise. haven't done any lifting this week though. I used to lift 4-7 times a week pre-Adderall. Most of my weight lost was water weight and muscle. I made sure I ate on Adderall. I drink a meal replacement protein shake during the day, supplements with b-complex vitamins, L-Tyrosine, 5 HTP, S-Adenosyl Methoinine and what ever else seems like a good idea. so far so good. Still lazier than usual but overall happy and silly. I had an extreme emotional break down Friday afternoon, but it passed. One thing is certain, days seem like weeks.
  16. I just got started on the first season last night. Now that I'm not all obsessed with the "to do" list i can actually sit down and watch some stuff. like stranger things.
  17. Thanks! that is pretty much what I'm doing. watching Narcos and eating pizza k- with salad of course . I took a 5htp earlier and it actually helped with the extreme depression I was feeling. My brain must be completely lacking in all neurotransmitters. 1 effing 5 htp helped!
  18. Thanks. Honestly, day three is terrible. I commend you for quitting this drug. I feel terrible - raw, naked, and alone. had to leave the office early. I can think and know what I am doing, but every keystrock is painfully heavy - if that makes sense.
  19. I have noticed during my on and off visits to this site and my own desire to quit taking this drug forever, that the withdrawal symptoms seem to vary in length/intensity from person to person. The same stuff, but severity varies. We have all heard the impact diet and exercise can have, along with certain supplements: so I'm curious: What does your daily diet consist of? Do you get regular phisical activity that is significant? What kind? Do you take supplements? What kind? I hope you all answer this question as honestly and detailed as possible. I'm interested in seeing if there is any conncection between these variables and symptoms. Thanks! ​
  20. I plan on cycling/running for the remainder of the week and hope it helps. I'll also keep taking supplements and I'll down some veggie juice from Whole Foods. I'll report back with my finding (i.e., effectiveness, symptom reduction, etc.)
  21. Thanks for all of the comments and support. Day two is definitely more difficult than day one. I did notice my humor returning and food is pretty effin rad....a little too good. I took the day off of work and went on a 15 mile bike ride this morning. And laid about with my cat all day. he had no complaints, lol. L-Tyrosine - a lot of it - helps. Not falling into negative thinking helps too. My brain is in tact, just lazy. Oh yeah, days feel like weeks, that is why I'm giving this update as though I have been off of Adderall for a few weeks. pretty sure the intensity will fluctuate.
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