ChrisJL

Absolutely beautiful - Thanks so much for sharing. Still haven't quit yet but your words are inspirational. Ain't that the fucking truth. Can totally relate. At times I've felt like I have this pill that lets me "cheat" at life but now I feel so scatterbrained that I can't keep anything straight. It's really become a huge detriment.

Hey there friend. I've also experienced seizures on high doses of Addy, though they only seem to come after having been awake for 24-36+ hours, so I'm sure the sleep deprivation plays a large role in it as well. Are you planning on quitting? Really step back an evaluate where your life is at right now. Is the amphetamine really worth all these terrible side effects?

I don't know if you'll read this or what this will mean to you, but I just want to let you know that I truly find inspiration in your post. I hope I can be there one day, looking back on what a mess I once was.

Man your post says a lot of the things I've been thinking over the years - really outlining the love/hate relationship we sometimes have with amphetamine. We all talk about how "evil" Adderall is, but I think we sometimes forget its "positives." Personally, I don't know where I would be academically without it. The flaw is when we fall into the trap of becoming unable to accomplish anything without it. There's something to be said for growing and persevering through hardship, but when you pop a pill to get through these hardships you aren't really growing at all. It has led, for me at least, to a stage of arrested development. I'll stop myself short before getting too long winded but I guess I'd just like to say that your post was beautiful, I really related to it, and I hope you continue to find that same personal strength to get you through these rough times.

I can't say I've got all the answers but I'm here to talk if you ever need it - Just shoot me a PM; I can give you my number if you need to hear a voice on the other end as well. Be strong and be understanding of others. What I mean by being "understanding" is that your friends and family can't possibly know all the hardships that come with amphetamine addiction. How could they? How could you expect them to? I believe we are flawed in some way that has led us to succumb to chemical dependency; believing that somehow Adderall makes up for an inherent "shortcoming" within ourselves. That is the mindset we must overcome Within that though, I also believe we are strong. Everyone here, yourself included, knows how much strength it takes to stand up to the rough waters that come with Adderall abuse: the self doubt, the physical and mental exhaustion, the complete lack of life balance. Those issues take real inner, personal strength to confront on a day to day basis. Only people who have been there truly know that hurt. You can beat those demons, I know it. Feel free to contact me if you need someone to talk to. I'm there for you.

I'm on a binge right now. It really is a fucking liar, promising all these things without consequence. It's hard to realize how much it takes from you with all these promises. No such thing as a free lunch right?

I think you may be referring to a post I made a few days ago where you advised Wellbutrin during recovery and I was hesitant to do so. You may have gotten the wrong idea when I told you about my reluctance to try it. It's not that I'm totally opposed to giving it a shot, I just have some concerns about putting more chemicals in my body at this point. To be honest I was kind of hoping you would respond and tell me a little bit about how it helped you and why you advocate it during the early period of recovery.

"How could I care so much about something that, turns me into this... this sad sad little girl?" It seems like you already know the answer to this question. I, too, have asked myself the same question. Adderall is a sneaky bastard though, he sneaks up on you and sinks his teeth in, but by then it's too late. You've got a good head on your shoulders and it seems like you already know exactly what needs to be done to fix the problem. Now it's just a matter of finding the strength to change, but I know you can do it. Draw support from this community, your friends, and your family and we will get through this together. Know that you always have someone to talk to here who knows exactly what you've been through and can show you the way forward. You can beat this.

Dude your situation is a mirror image of mine. This last semester has been so stressful and my workload is heavier than ever before, so much so that I'm I've gone from 2-3 day intermittent use to nearly every day now. Taking it that frequently weighs on me so heavily though, both physically and mentally, and so like your experience, I am just trying my best to stay centered and pray that I can make it through this final stretch without falling apart. Thank you for your words of wisdom, I hope I can be as strong as you were. Like you, I too find myself chasing the high. It feels great when you're riding it, doesn't it? You feel like you're at the top of your game, no brain fog, total confidence, and rushes of euphoria. I'd be lying if I said I didn't look forward to it when I take my first pill of the day, because I know it means that it'll be a "good" day and that I'll actually be functional. The high is never worth the lows though, and I mean that in more than one way. The first being the actual comedown. You're just lying in bed tossing and turning all night with this unspent energy and focus, and then to compensate for the lack of sleep you're forced to do it all over again in the morning. It's truly a shitty, predatory cycle. The other low in my mind centers around the bigger picture: The low of being in a constant state of arrested development and not actually building any skills; just relying on a pill to find your "good" qualities. I think there's something to be said for persevering through hard times and growing through it, but I'm not even doing that, just popping pills to handle the day to day BS. I will undoubtedly be taking your advice and am sure I'll rely heavily on this community for support once I finally quit. I am still amazed how we all come from such different walks of life but still share these similar experiences. Adderall is some seriously nasty shit. I don't know if I'd have had the same academic/work success that came with Adderall, but at least I'd have some real skills instead of a substance abuse problem. I appreciate your encouragement and am looking forward to getting to know everybody here. You guys rock.

Yeah the honeymoon phase is sublime, isn't it? It's just that the progression from that into dysfunctional relationship is so slow and gradual that it can sneak right up on you. By the time it has its claws in you it's too late. To be honest with you Brandy, I would love to quit right now. It's frustrating because I am ready to change but cannot do so yet. The fatigue from withdrawals coupled with the fact that I have relied on a pill as the source of my self-discipline for the last 3 years means there's no way I could keep up with my extremely heavy course load at the moment. I've come this far, and while it's not optimal, I need it to finish out this last semester. And you're right about this being a wonderful site. I never imagined that I could relate directly to so many people; that so many people have shared the same feelings that I do. I want to thank you and everyone else here for your words of encouragement. You guys are amazing and I wish you luck on your own journeys away from this drug.

Thanks for the recommendation - it's something I've thought about but I am hesitant to put another drug in my system at this point. Nate I totally hear you man. It's comforting to know that there are others out there feeling the same things. I'll take your advice on cancelling the prescription. If I'm really serious about quitting then there's no reason not to. I wish you luck on your journey and appreciate your support.

My unhealthy relationship with Adderall began as innocently as many of yours did when my friend gave me a little orange pill to help me study one day. I remember walking into my college class a few hours later, feeling assertive and confident. I was actively participating in the discussion, answering questions, and getting laughs from classmates. I loved it. I contacted that same friend a few days later to get some more and sure enough he obliged me. It was magic. I remember sitting down and cranking out an entire paper one night, and afterwards, when I asked my father to proofread it, he said, "Chris, this is one of the best things you've ever written, I'm really proud of you." Later, my mother expressed similar feelings of pride; telling me how "responsible" and "self-disciplined" I was. Though it took a long time for my issue with Adderall to develop into what it is now, I really think that was the beginning of the end. My parents' unknowing endorsement solidified what I already knew: On Adderall, I am awesome. For the next couple months I purchased it occasionally, until eventually I became fed up with the struggle of finding it and decided to get a prescription of my own. After a twenty minute appointment with the doctor, I had a big smile on my face and my very own prescription for thirty 20mg pills each month. That was about 3 years ago. Since then I've truly lost all balance in my life. Originally I started taking it only on days when I had "a lot to do". My definition of "a lot to do" became less and less strict over time, and soon I began taking Adderall several times a week to complete even the simplest tasks. The house was clean and my grades were better than ever though, so who could complain? Now my life is at the point where I need to take a pill to accomplish anything. If I haven't taken it, I will often lie in bed all day and sleep. If I have to work that day, I will show up, do the bare minimum, and go back home to sleep as soon as possible. I've played guitar for around 10 years now and used to absolutely love taking Adderall and practicing in my room all day. Now I can't even pick the guitar up for more than a few minutes if I haven't taken anything. I also began taking Adderall to go out at night because it made me more social. I found that I would take it and then suddenly I'd be making friends, meeting women, and just generally being the life of the party. Now I only go out in public anymore when I'm on it. I won't even go and meet with my close friends unless I've taken some. I meet so many people and generally try to be a friend to all, but it's hard to let people get close because they don't know the real me, only the me they've met on Adderall. For me that's what makes it so hard to quit. I'm scared to find out that people won't like the real Chris as much as the Chris on Adderall - and to be honest I wouldn't blame them at all. I am, objectively speaking, a much more pleasant person to be around when I'm on it. The withdrawals leave me so tired, I have no energy to make the effort otherwise. Recently though, I've decided that I'm sick of it. I'm tired of living my life as someone who isn't me. Maybe I won't be the person everybody wants me to be, but I physically and mentally cannot play this role anymore. It has left me malnourished, exhausted, and unhappy. When I stumbled upon this site I nearly started to cry just reading the articles, because it was like somebody had written down all the things I had been thinking and feeling over the last few years verbatim. I think that was also hard because it was the moment I realized that I had a substance abuse issue, and I never expected that. I'm currently in the last month and a half of my final college semester, after which I plan on immediately flushing all these little orange pills down the toilet. I am looking into therapy as well, not only for my substance abuse problem, but also for the issues that have led me to it. I've neglected my body tremendously over the past 3 years so I'm also planning on beginning a strength training and healthful eating program. Quitting Adderall is something I think about every day. I have never looked forward to something in my life so much yet been so terrified of it at the same time. I have enjoyed reading all your stories and found them inspirational - I hope to stay in touch with this community during my own journey and will look for your support. Chris