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About psychgirl617

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  1. First post - avoiding a slip up

  2. Saw this today on "Couples Therapy" on Vh1 about the lead singer of Creed, Scott Stapp, developing an addiction to Adderall and becoming psychotic-- thought I would share. The focus of the story isn't the Adderall addiction but his diagnosis of bipolar disorder. More specific article about him relapsing on Adderall: A good reminder for us all of the consequences of abusing this nasty drug.
  3. Adderall and Eating Disorders

    I can SO relate to this. So, so much. Like, I've worked harder in the last year to stay off Adderall than on anything else ever, yet the discomfort from being in a body that is not thin is nearly unbearable. However, from my experience in the world and also in eating disorder treatment, I have found that the discomfort is a lot worse on days that I FEEL depressed, anxious and have nothing to show for my self-esteem. It is more bearable to live in my current body on days when I do things that make me feel good-- doing something productive, practicing yoga, dressing in flattering clothes that I feel confident in, making a healthy meal, being of service to others, etc. I don't know if that helps, but I just wanted to identify and offer ideas as to what helps me. I just noticed we both live in Boston! Feel free to PM me if you ever want to meet up. I'm also unemployed and currently struggling with that, so I get it.
  4. I took Vyvanse for several years. It is totally 100% addictive. You can just take 2 pills instead of 1 and you will feel the whole argument about "sustained release" ensuring safety is crap.
  5. I saw this article online and it really resonated with me:
  6. Where did you go to detox/rehab to get clean?

    @Katers: I actually didnt go to their detox unit. I was put on their short term unit because I was suicidal and had a lot of medical complications as a result of my Adderall addiction. They were fantastic there. They don't have a 28 day residential program that I know of, but they do have a 2 week residential program associated with McLean called Naukeag and I went for a few days but didn't stay as they had no concurrent eating disorder treatment available there.
  7. Where did you go to detox/rehab to get clean?

    I went to McLean Hospital near Boston to detox. They were awesome. They worked with me to taper my Adderall dose and after that, I transitioned to a dual-recovery 30 day residential program for eating disorders and addictions in Philadelphia called The Renfrew Center (one of the reasons I got addicted to Adderall was to lose weight as part of an eating disorder). The Renfrew Center was good for my eating disorder, but their addiction program was paltry.
  8. stress

    Being authentic to myself by cutting off ties with people (therapist, boyfriend, etc.) that I don't feel a genuine connection with. Exercise- specifically yoga due to its emphasis on meditation, healing, prayer and body awareness AA meetings Snuggling with my cat Staying busy with a structured schedule Giving myself credit for small steps, such as bathing or cooking a meal, going to a meeting, etc. Finding new coping skills: having a cup of tea when stressed instead of popping a pill or having a drink Prayer/meditation
  9. Tempted to start up again

    I'm sorry to hear that you're struggling, Kev9765. I can relate to the feelings of inadequacy around accomplishing things but the reality is that we have to sit with those feelings and accept the pace that we are getting things done now that we're sober. Because if we go back to the drug, then the pendulum will inevitably have to swing back in the opposite direction, resulting in the "come down", the irritability, the exhaustion, the paranoia, anxiety and depression. While we may be able to accomplish more in the moment while taking Adderall, the consequences of doing so just simply aren't worth it in the long run. I don't know if what I'm saying is helpful, but I just wanted to let you know that I totally understand where you're at, that you're doing a great job with your sobriety (6 months is amazing!) and keep on keeping on because I promise you this feeling WILL pass.
  10. Quit cold turkey or taper off? What did you do?

    I went into the psychiatric hospital and tapered down slowly. This isn't "standard" procedure for amphetamine withdrawal, but I have a history of an eating disorder and couldn't quit cold turkey due to the insane anxiety of my hunger coming back full force if I went from such a high dose to nothing. Plus, I have had suicidal ideation in the past when I had tried to quit amphetamines cold turkey. In retrospect, it was EXTREMELY difficult to taper because every day I took the pill which activated my reward circuit in my brain and elicited cravings for more Adderall. Yet, I couldn't have more Adderall so I was essentially torturing myself. I would not recommend it but I think everyone's quitting circumstances are different.
  11. Articles on Adderall...

    New article I saw posted today from the NYT about people in the work force getting addicted to Adderall:
  12. Gratitude - what are you grateful for?

    Feeling "normal" in early recovery....i.e. doing things like taking my clothes to the dry cleaner, scheduling a hair appointment (and actually showing up!); Being able to tolerate intense irritability/loneliness without pills; Developing some sort of spirituality; Stability! Not so many ups and downs.... My cat My health My support system
  13. I can totally relate to being able to exercise more while taking Adderall....when I was using it, I could run 10+ miles at a time. I actually recently started running again after buying a new pair of running shoes and giving myself a few months to re-gain my strength after rehab. I am proud to say that last week I went on my first run Adderall-free since 2008, and it feels great!!! It's hard to believe while you're still using, but exercising without Adderall IS a possibility, and this is coming from a person who had no hope in the first few months of recovery. I was just dying to start working out again but so frustrated that my body felt so weak and tired. You will definitely be able to exercise again post-Adderall. However, you need several ingredients: 1. Sobriety 2. Time 3. Self-compassion I personally go to AA to help me stay sober and part of the reason is a constant reminder of that idea of "Progress Not Perfection". Easy Does It....Be Gentle With Yourself. If you give yourself rest initially when you get sober, you will find that your body will slowly gain strength and energy again to exercise....and when you do exercise, you will find that you feel so much better about the gains you do make because they are real and not drug-induced. Best of luck to you!!
  14. Is Adderall a Gateway Drug?

    The best analogy for Adderall that I have come up with is that it is like the kindling wood you use to start a fire. Once I take Adderall, I crave other addictive prescription drugs such as Vicodin, Percocet, Klonopin, Ambien, etc. The Adderall starts that fire and it creates a kindling effect (i.e. craving for more drugs and/or Adderall) that builds the fire bigger and bigger until it's out of control. The only way to put the fire out is to pour water on it, which in my case was actually alcohol-- as many others have mentioned in their posts when they have said that they drank to come down from the Adderall. Now that I've been off of Adderall for several months, I have no desire to abuse opiates, benzo's, or any other controlled-substance....including alcohol. I honestly think the Adderall stimulated my addict brain in such a way as to either want more, more, more Adderall or to get fucked up on more, more, more prescriptions and alcohol. Without that initial activation, I no longer crave those substances. So for me personally, I think Adderall is a gateway drug because it leads me to use all my other drugs of abuse. Without the Adderall, I don't crave or use other substances.
  15. How did you quit? What kind of treatment?

    Perhaps you should have an honest conversation with your doctor and explain that you do not want to take the adderall and you feel like it functions more as an anti-depressant for you than anything else. Perhaps he could prescribe something else for your depression/eating disorder? It sounds like your'e using adderall to enable an eating disorder/treat depression. this is really a terrible idea because the adderall will eventually stop working and leave you worse off than where you were before it. i suspect you need to address your eating disorder/depression first. you will feel hungry after qu9tting adderall. you need to learn to see hunger as a healthy thing. as a final note--200mg of adderall is a hgue dose. i'd find a new doctor who recognizes that dose is about 4x the maximum amount most doctor's would prescribe for anyone. the permanent changes to brain chemistry take place at doses that high. anyway, i'm not tryign to scare you, but i'm really worried about you and i'm afraid your doctor is not. i think you could start this process by at least finding a doctor who recognizes that your daily dose is much higher than any snae doctor would ever prescribe and help you get back to a dose that is at least a healthy one....whether that maeans lowering your dose and prescribing you an anti-depressant or some other kind of appetite suppressant (there's at least one weight loss drug that was prescription but is over the counter now. the way it works, i think is kind of disgusting. if you eat fats, it gives you the shitrs or something....i don't know, but there are some appetite suppressants/treatments which are not stimulant you could ask to be prescribed WHILE YOU SOBER UP. but any doctor that prescribes youa dose that high, does not have your well-being in mind. please be good to yourself. much love. @dangerbean & unod1a: Thank you guys so much for the feedback and advice. I am currently in the hospital detoxing and am proud to say that I basically did everything you both suggested. I was honest with my doctor who was prescribing the Adderall/Vyvanse and I got rid of my supply prior to going into the hospital for detox/mental stabilization.....I am now down to 5mg at 9am and 5mg at 1pm. Tomorrow will be my first day Adderall free in almost 6 years. I feel extremely depressed in the sense that I don't feel I have a lot to live for, but I am safe now and my physical health is starting to improve. I also don't feel paranoid and I am not actively psychotic and I am so grateful to have found good treatment. After I stabilize mentally, physically and detox, my plan (if everything goes okay) is to go to a residential eating disorder treatment center that also specializes in Addiction for about 30 days -- or however long my insurance will cover my stay at the residential level. From there, I will step down to the day treatment level and begin the hard work of outpatient work including AA/NA meetings, outpatient therapy, exercise, nutrition, possibly moving to a different part of the city that is less congested and working on daily meditation/spirituality and some form of work for income/structure. I have hope for a different life for myself and am slowly working towards that life one day at a time.