agm1250

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About agm1250

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  1. First post after a year and 1/2

    Thanks for the support, all. Day 1... Here goes nothing. Moving my posts over to the 30-day challenge. If I can only hit that 30 day mark I'll know I can really do this.
  2. Hi everyone. I'd like to try again. To try harder. My last post was April 2014. Things have been not so good since then. I feel quiet tonight, solemn. I feel quiet and solemn and I don't have much to post, but here I am, and well.. I want to try. I want to try harder. Much has happened the past year and a half. I finished another year of grad school. I saw my newlywed best friend become a mom. I watched in horror and helplessness as cancer ravaged my family. I got engaged. Much has happened, and throughout it all I've laughed and I've cried. I've laughed and I've cried and I've reflected on life and love and all things good for a person in their mid-twenties. It was both inspiring and painful, this reflective process, because it forced me to feel. It forced me to acknowledge, to realize, and to feel. With bloodied knuckles and bruised bones I somehow clawed myself out the deep, dark abyss I found myself in, and well.. here I am. I'm still searching for pieces of myself -- pieces of my soul, really. I know they're somewhere around here.. I just hope I can find them all. So here I am. I'm still addicted. I go through periods of recovery but inevitably succumb to those feelings of despair and temptation, of curiousity and dependence. I'm still picking up the pieces of myself. I made a pretty big mess. But, well.. I'm here. And I'd like to try again. I'd like to try harder.
  3. " THE 30 DAY CHALLENGE RELOADED" WELCOME ALL!!

    Quit-once, I'm really not sure. That's what it started to feel like this morning, because in just a few days I've fallen so far behind. That's how much work this program is. The only thing is I'm all out of pills 2 weeks before my next script because of how much I was adding on to my normal dose the past couple weeks. I could get a couple here and there from friends but not 2 weeks worth. Not without reaching out to friends of friends, anyway, which I never had to do before because I was never quite so abusive with them. Which probably explains the rock-bottom that somehow led me to stumble across this site a few days ago (still thankful for that, even now). So it looks like I screwed myself either way. I can either wait for my next script in eager anticipation and bang out finals the first half of May, or get myself into the quitting mentality as of tomorrow and just not refill my script - that is, if I can build a strong enough foundation these next couple weeks to power through finals without them. I guess I'll try to get myself in the right place mentally and physically but if my grades suffer, things are late etc., refill the script so I can do well on finals? We all know what happens with that kind of contingency plan, though. I really didn't think things through this time around...
  4. John Doe

    I'm not sure how many people have heard this song on the radio, but when I heard it I thought of the struggle so many of us are going through right now. In a radio interview artist B.o.B. said the song represents "anybody who has lost control or who is spiraling out of control and who can't admit it. Who can't recognize it within themselves." I think we're all here because we did recognize it, but I like the song because it serves as a good reminder to keep moving forward. When I hear it I think of my own person struggle and everyone else on this forum - all of us from different walks of life with different situations and stories, but who have experienced those same feelings of desperation and disgust with adderall and our (ab)use. Seems like the bus moves slower Just cause you've got somewhere to go. So you take a few pills in Beverly Hills. But if anyone asks you've got a prescription. You've got an addiction. Who do you think that you're fooling? --- Everybody's addicted to something. Everybody's got to grip onto something. Even if it's just to feel the response of appeal. Maybe once, maybe twice, maybe hundreds of times. Hundreds of times. Without it, it's just harder to function at times. You race to the bottom of every single bottle As if there was someone or something to find. You're struggling in your mind And you tell yourself lie after lie. Till you get to the point where it's no longer private- The people that you work with notice the signs. When you walk in the room it gets noticeably quiet. So you break up the silence, say you've been at the gym. But the way that you look, you can't blame on the diet. John Doe, I just want the John I know...
  5. " THE 30 DAY CHALLENGE RELOADED" WELCOME ALL!!

    Thank you Liltex and Justin, I'm alright. I've just been overwhelmed trying to finish up this last month of the semester and deal with the withdrawal symptoms all at the same time. This weekend I could only do one assignment, so the second one was handed in late. Yesterday I took 10mg but it's such a small dose that I honestly don't even think it did anything besides give me "peace of mind," as awful as that is to admit. I also couldn't muster up the strength, energy, motivation, etc. to do the assignment that's due for my class this afternoon, so just seconds ago I took my last 20XR and am going to miss class to finish it so I can at least e-mail it within the same day. I only have one 10mg pill left and at this rate will probably finish it today or tomorrow, to be completely honest with you guys, and as much as I hate myself for that. Maybe this wasn't the best time to quit, it being the end of the semester and all, but I really don't want to wait any longer - I know myself and the stress and pressure from finals in 2-3 weeks will just lead to another downhill spiral. I was trying hard to set a healthy foundation before I face that. I want to take all of my finals without being on adderall. I should have known how hard it would be with them still in the house, but was afraid of going cold turkey for exactly this reason. On the other hand, weaning myself off has never worked. I don't have the will power. The assignments for my Master's program are intense and time-consuming, not just busy work, which stresses me out even more. I feel like I failed and am really upset with myself. Last 2 times I tried to quit I wasn't taking such high doses right beforehand so the withdrawal wasn't as bad and I also had a break from work/school so I didn't have this pressure to hand in assignments. But I also know there's no "perfect" time to quit. I'm sorry everyone. This really sucks.
  6. " THE 30 DAY CHALLENGE RELOADED" WELCOME ALL!!

    Day 4 - Not so good. Back to the drawing board I go...
  7. " THE 30 DAY CHALLENGE RELOADED" WELCOME ALL!!

    FW, I wish you all the luck in the world. You're doing the right thing and it's extremely brave of you. I haven't been a member for long, but I can tell you are extremely supportive of this community and all the members that are a part of it. You were one of the first people to respond to my post just a couple of days ago, and that meant more than you can imagine because I have never joined an online community like this and was nervous about sharing so much about myself. Keep fighting and good luck! We'll be sending positive energy, thoughts, and prayers your way. Day 3: Check Exhausted even though I've gotten 12+ hours of sleep the past 2 nights. Didn't end up going out last night - didn't have the energy and was feeling extremely irritable/moody/headachy. The mood swings are actually really bothering me, so I'm going to see if I can order some natural supplements like HTP-5, L-Tyrosine, and Lion's Mane to help with that. I posted a thread in the supplements forum to see if anyone knows of any reputable brands of HTP-5. Still extremely unproductive and unmotivated as well - I have yet to do my assignments that are due tomorrow, so I'm going to see if I can get started on them now. One positive thing is I actually felt small bursts of excitement when thinking about things like summer, being done with this semester, etc. When I say small I mean small, but it was still the root of an emotion I don't think I've felt for quite some time. I also took fish oil, biotin, and a multivitamin today, and I think it might have already started to help with some of the brain fog and lack of energy. It could just be the placebo effect but honestly, that's fine with me. I'm A-ok with any phenomenon that has ability to convince me that I can actually do this.
  8. I'm thinking about ordering some L-Tyrosine, 5-HTP, and Lion's Mane based on others' reviews in this forum. GNC doesn't sell 5-HTP... What's a reputable brand, for those taking it?
  9. Favorite things about being adderall-free!

    Only on day 2 but how about better breath? I've always taken care of my teeth (braces for 3 years, so a hefty investment on my parents' part) but no matter how much I brushed or used listerine it was never the same as days I wasn't taking adderall. I didn't usually notice myself, but my bf was always brutally honest with me! What even causes that? The cotton-mouth? I really hope I'm not the only one who has experienced this. That would be embarrassing haha...
  10. I want my life back.

    Thanks ZK. Unfortunately I'll have to try to get both assignments done tomorrow. I just couldn't do it. I'm not sure how I even did yesterday's assignment on Day 1. It must have still been in my system or something. Hoping tomorrow is better. My sock drawer can stay messy for the time being as long as I can get these assignments done!
  11. " THE 30 DAY CHALLENGE RELOADED" WELCOME ALL!!

    Day 2: Check Extremely tired - more so than yesterday. Vivid dreams last night. Head and limbs are heavy. Increase in appetite, no motivation to do schoolwork or anything around the house. I made a cup of coffee and am about to try to start an assignment now. Friends are texting me to see if I want to go out tonight, as it's Saturday. Part of me wants to, but I honestly don't know if I have the energy. Also, I'll probably feel even worse than this tomorrow. The thought of that gives me anxiety. I don't think I can take the abuse of alcohol on my body right now, but I'm still tempted to see how the night plays out because I worked so hard the past couple weeks and finally have a free weekend. Not sure what to do.
  12. Can I quit now?

    I just quit 2 days ago. I'm in a very demanding Master's program and hope to apply to programs to get my PhD afterwards as well. This is definitely not the most opportune time to quit - it being close to the end of the semester and all - but is there ever really a good time to quit? In my experience, no, there's not. Plus, as a PhD student you probably have research throughout the summer too, right? Or classes/some kind of dissertation work? I'm right there with you - my program runs throughout the entire summer as well. 12 weeks long with only a couple weeks off at the end of August, if that. I know EXACTLY what you mean with the whole memory thing - it's one of the reasons I quit. I was always the person people came to with questions - when is this due again? what did she say we had to do for this? Always the one on top of my game, organized, etc. This entire year in grad school I have been so forgetful. I immediately forget things that people say to me or somehow I don't even hear the instructions. Or maybe I hear them incorrectly? I'm really not sure. That's how muddled the adderall made my brain and memory. On one of my assignments last week I got a C instead of an A because I completely forgot to attach a chart that we needed. A chart that would have taken 30 seconds to attach. Was my research paper beautifully written? Of course it was. But there is absolutely no excuse for me to lose points on something like that because I either didn't hear the instructions or forgot them because I was too tweaked out on adderall. This never happened to me in undergrad either. Maybe it's the larger doses like you said, or the fact that we weren't taking it as frequently when we first started using it in undergrad. It also stopped working for me like it has for you - why should we continue to let our grades suffer when it's clearly making us less productive? If you quit now we'll be in the same boat, as I am literally just 2 days in. It's no walk in the park, but it's doable and I can truly feel that in every essence of my body. I'm about to start an assignment right now - I won't love every second of it, but I'll have to deal with that. Also, you said "adderall is what got me here in the first place." Adderall didn't get you into your PhD program, no matter what you think. It doesn't make people smarter. Those programs are so competitive - if you were accepted that means your intelligence and work ethic are a part of your being and able to be accessed in other ways. You just need to find a way to channel it into your coursework in a healthier, more natural way. You can do this!
  13. I want my life back.

    Jess, thank you so much. Your use of the phrase "fuels the fire in me" really hits home with how I feel about adderall. Congratulations on hitting the 4 month mark! That's really great. It seems like one of the reasons we both decided to quit was the lack of emotions. I also found myself faking laughter and I hated it, especially when under normal circumstances I probably would have laughed for real. Socializing and articulating myself has also always been a strength of mine, and I would find myself feeling or sounding extremely awkward when talking to professors, colleagues, friends, etc. And I've never been an awkward person! Thanks for the words of encouragement. I really do appreciate them.
  14. I want my life back.

    Cassie, I realized I never responded to this, but yes - he supports my quitting 100%. He hates how it sucks the life and personality right out of me. I also wasn't taking it for the first 3+ years of our relationship, so he serves as a constant reminder that I really am naturally intelligent, productive, fun etc. underneath it all - he's witnessed that side of me first-hand so I think it makes him that much more supportive of me quitting. That being said, I get the sense that a lot of people out there don't really understand the physical or mental dependence that comes along with it - especially those that have taken it a few times in the past without getting hooked. I don't think I would have either if you had talked to me a few years ago, when I took it only a few times a semester in college and then never gave it a second thought. I don't expect my boyfriend to be able to relate to what I'm experiencing 100%, because that would probably require him to be addicted as well and I don't wish that on anyone. I think our addiction is also misunderstood/underestimated because we get it from our doctors, not a sketchy looking dealer on the corner of the street at night, and because our dependency/withdrawal symptoms don't look like those depicted by Brody on Homeland. I'm thankful for that, of course, but this is not a case of "the struggle is real." This addiction, this struggle, really IS real. Which is one of the reasons I'm so glad I found this website.
  15. I want my life back.

    Day 2 and now I know what you mean by "take it easy.." I have 2 assignments for grad school that I have to do this weekend. I should have had them done by now, along with grocery shopping, laundry, and a million other things on my over-achiever to-do list that are not even remotely necessary, but that I would like to accomplish. And that I would HAVE accomplished because that's what a Saturday is typically like for me. I sat on the couch until now, 3:30PM, exhausted and depressed about my lack of productivity, but I think I'm going to do one assignment today and one assignment tomorrow. Grocery shopping and laundry can wait until Monday, and everything else will just have to fall by the wayside for now.