mila490

Congratulations! That is so great and encouraging to hear. I remember seeing your first posts as I had joined around the same time as you. Keep having a great summer!

Revisiting an old thread based on a search in the forums for Wellbutrin... I'm 9+ months clean but going through a difficult time personally. I'm about to make a big career change and am feeling down and unmotivated. I want to be positive and look at all the positives of going back to grad school and working for a career I think will be much more fulfilling and meaningful for me. However, I'm struggling to get through day to day until that time. There's a light at the end of the tunnel, but I'm still in the tunnel. I 100% do not want to go back on adderall. I made an appointment with my psych. to discuss antidepressants. I'm terrified of gaining weight (I gained enough coming off of adderall!). I've read such great things about Wellbutrin on here, but I'm also scared to start another drug after my adderall experience. Is it habit forming? Will I have to take it every day? Will I be able to function on days I don't take it (looking at you, adderall hangovers)? Is there a withdrawal period if I stop taking it? Looking for your firsthand experiences vs what I read on WebMd. Thanks!

The problem is that hope isn't a solid plan. That's how I felt after multiple attempts to quit where I'd end up back on it "hoping" I could manage to only take it once in a while as needed. Every time I ended up back where I was having to take it 7 days a week just to get out of bed. In the first few months (or longer depending on your history) after quitting, you're going to feel incredibly lazy and unproductive and out of balance. But by going back on adderall, you're swinging yourself back in the other direction and prolonging your potential recovery from using the drug. I'm 288 days clean and count every single day because I don't want to start over at day 1 again because it was so tough. I still have days where I want to go back on it. You have to remember the reasons you wanted to quit in the first place. Why did you find this website or post here in the first place? Remind yourself of that. Going on and off Adderall is a roller coaster you CAN get off of.

You've got this!

All the above feedback is so helpful and I can't really add to it. I needed to read it myself! I just wanted to post to say that I'm right there with you. I've been so tempted to go back on it lately. Mainly because I'm freaking out about weight gain and feeling pretty depressed. I've found it really helpful to "take it one day at a time" and to force myself to take a moment to think back on all the negative side effects. Hang in there.

I can 100% relate. I was so engrossed in color coding my spreadsheets that I barely socialized with my coworkers. I found that this has spilled over to my work life now 7+ months clean. I'd rather stare at my computer screen and ignore any attempts at being social. I pat myself on the back for mini improvements that still feel so unnatural. The stiff corporate environment doesn't help, but I'm changing careers in a few months soon so that should help.

Thanks for the immediate support! I really appreciate it. I've only been to this doctor once and I was on adderall back then, so I knew this would be triggering. I almost cut her off as she read off adderall as one of my medications and I told her how I quit and how it was really hard to get off of it. I almost caught myself saying the words "I don't know, maybe I should just go back on it?" but I held my tongue. They gave me a B12 shot which has already has an immediate positive effect so we'll see. I'd consider Wellbutrin too. They want me to come back for more blood work and mentioned thyroid, etc. Although as Cassie said, this is just par for the course at this point. I'll also mention that when I told her about my fatigue she did think it could still be an after effect of the adderall, even 6 months later. Many doctors are nonchalant about this drug, so I thought it was a good sign that she recognized that. Day 217...

216 days today, wasn't sure where to post but just need to. I have a doctors appointment tomorrow (won't be able to get adderall because it's not a psychiatrist and those are the rules here). I've been incredibly fatigued lately to the point where I can barely go to work because I can't get out of bed despite 8+ hours of sleep. I haven't had motivation to workout and have just been depressed overall. I hope they find something else (minor and easily fixable!) wrong with me like mono or anemia or something. Because I am way too tempted to go back. The pull this drug has is crazy. Anyways just needed to post because I was imagining how it'd feel to avoid these forums if I go back on it.

I found this recent NY Times article on Vyvanse to be pretty troubling: Shire, Maker of Binge-Eating Drug Vyvanse, First Marketed the Disease by Katie Thomas http://www.nytimes.com/2015/02/25/business/shire-maker-of-binge-eating-drug-vyvanse-first-marketed-the-disease.html?ref=health&_r=0 "The marketing strategy for Vyvanse, like that of Adderall, sheds light on how pharmaceutical companies seek to influence the diagnosis and treatment of a medical condition — in an effort to make billions of dollars in sales — even in the face of concerns about potential dangers of a drug."

I have to be really careful about looking through my old photos. Without fail, I end up craving it every time I look at pictures of myself at the height of my adderall use two years ago. I have to remind myself that it wasn't the adderall that made me lose weight - it was the fewer calories and the increased exercise that I did during that time. Quitting has totally messed with my motivation to workout. I can't let myself sugarcoat it though - I initially lost weight on it, but then all the benefits gradually diminished and I gained it all back even while still on adderall. I'm trying to be patient with myself and be proud of another day off adderall, even if it's yet another day I didn't go to the gym. At some point I need to push myself a little and just get back into it, but I'm still struggling to get to that point.

I was also diagnosed with ADHD and believe that the way I function does match a lot of what I've read about ADHD. But you'll find that much of the discussion on these forums isn't about whether or not you have ADHD or a legit diagnosis. Many of us also took adderall responsibly and never abused it. That isn't the core issue either. The main issue for many of us is how unsustainable it is to take amphetamines. An important part in this journey for me was accepting that yes, I may have ADHD...and yes, Adderall may be "safe" and "helpful" to people who have ADHD....but it has an overall negative impact on my life. Period, end of story. I think you have to reach that point in order to fully recover, or else you'll always justify taking Adderall again when you're having a difficult time "because you have a real diagnosis and need a medicine to help you." Using the diagnosis as justification will just keep propelling you through this vicious cycle. You said it yourself - "This is no way to go through life." Welcome to the forums. You can do it!

I am 6 months clean today. I tried to quit before, but my quit in August is the one that stuck. I'm not really sure why I woke up at that point to the fact that the cons heavily outweighed the pros, but I'm so glad I did. I gained a lot of confidence by being honest and refusing to lie to myself any longer. Here's to the next 6 months...

The first few days/weeks/months are so hard because you are so DOWN compared to how high you were on Adderall. As others have written on here before, you can't run full speed like that forever; your body has to recover and balance itself again, so now you're experiencing the opposite of being high on Adderall. Remind yourself - and trust those of us who have gone through it - that this is temporary. If you keep relapsing, you're going to have to keep dealing with that horrible crash. Keep plugging away. Some days you just have to do everything you can to not go back to the drug (even if that means constantly snacking, drinking tons of caffeine, and Netflix binging). As time goes on, you'll feel better and accomplish other goals throughout your day. But for the time being, your main accomplishment each day will be the fact that you didn't take that pill. I've found it really helpful to keep a list of all the cons of Adderall. I also found it helpful to check off each day clean and keep a count (167 days!). I've worked too hard to give up and have to start over from day 1 again. Hang in there!

Agree with roobiki - I definitely posted here and relapsed before this quit (my final quit!) 5 months ago. I would think about the post I made and feel so ashamed that I couldn't kick it. I also remember reading so many of the posts and stories well before ever signing up for an account. I'm sure there are plenty of people out there without accounts who benefit from this website too. I clung to this site when I first quit and used it especially to get through those first 30, then 60 days. Now I remind myself to visit here whenever I'm tempted to go back.

Hey AlwaysAwesome, I can completely relate because my weakest moments seem to be related to the scale too. I find myself looking down at a number on the scale or at my reflection in the mirror (no longer a size 0 like while using) and desperately thinking Adderall is the answer. Having the motivation to go the gym or not pick up that cookie/donut/etc. is definitely harder than popping a pill, but at least I feel a sense of accomplishment when I lose any weight because I worked for it. You're right, adderall is not the way!

I think you'd have to weigh the stress of your current job vs. the potential stress of starting a new job. For me, the stress of a new job within the first 3 months post-Adderall would have made me run back to it, but now that I'm at 5 months too, I feel better equipped to deal with the stress and NOT consider Adderall as a viable option. Now that I'm 5 months clean, I'm starting to get antsy too and thinking about a career change. I'm so unhappy that I'm questioning whether I truly wanted this career in the first place, or if my Adderall-fueled ambition played a role. Then I question whether I'm unhappy now because of the recovery period since quitting and if I need to be patient and stick it out a little longer. That's one of the things I hate most about this drug - how it makes you question your own decisions both while Adderall and when recovering. I was on Adderall towards the end of college and during the transition to the real world and my first full-time job. Now I look back and wonder, "Would I have made this decision or that decision had I not been on Adderall?"

Struggling

What a great post to start off the new year. I especially connect with the above. I think it's important to keep reminding myself that, yes, at FIRST there were all these great benefits, but it's too easy to forget the negative effects that spiral out of control at a certain point. Congratulations, thanks for your post, and happy new year!

The weight issue has been one of my biggest hurdles in quitting, since I've never been as thin as I was on adderall. As much as I hate admitting it, I loved the comments I got on how tiny I was. When I feel myself spiraling into that trap (thinking that I need adderall to be thin), I force myself to think of the diminishing returns and all the other cons. The weight loss will level off; I was only super thin for a few months and then I gained the weight back while still on adderall. As you said, quitting is hard. Keep reminding yourself of that ... Do you want to go through all that again, or persevere through another day that you can count as clean? It sounds like you have the motivation with counting calories and exercise, so you'll get there!

quit-once, that must be disappointing. On the positive side, it doesn't sound like it triggered you at all, which is reassuring to hear. I'm only a few months clean so am still frequently battling triggers. I have to force myself to think of the negative side effects and not let the craving overcome me, when I know the negative outweighs what seems like a positive in the moment. It seems like with addiction of any kind, the addict knows the negative effects on some level, but the addiction overwhelms that logic; no matter how many years clean. I think if you were to confront him, maybe frame it around the negative effect it had on his life in the past. Why would it be any different this time?

Hey Caroline, I'm only at 4 months clean, but I've been feeling the same way. One night I even went to sleep fully intending to wake up the next morning and call the doctor. Thankfully I woke up and came to my senses deciding it wasn't worth it, but I've come close just like you. It's easy to justify it to yourself when you have such a strong craving. All I can say is think about the days you racked up just off adderall. Since it's not sustainable, you'll end up back at day 1 the next time you quit. Look at your "This was me on adderall" thread and remember all the crazy and negative ways adderall affected your life. Not worth it.

Hi there! Welcome to the site. Coming here and reading the stories and knowing what to expect is a good first step. In order to successfully quit, you'll have to constantly remind yourself of your words above. By continuing to take adderall - whether or not you believe you have ADHD or not - you will only feel worse and worse about yourself, since you've identified the negative effects adderall has on your life. You say you're a zombie, that you want to stop, and that you want your old self back. You'll need to go through some crappy times where you'll likely feel hungover and unmotivated, but they are worth it for the peace that comes with recovery. Here are a few tips: 1. Make a plan for quitting- do you have a long weekend or some kind of lull at work that will ease the transition? If you're stressed out right from the start, you'll likely give up. 2. Read the stories and tips on this site and the forums so you know what to expect. 3. Recognize and accept that you WON'T feel that revved up adderall high no matter how many vitamins you take or energy drinks you consume. 4. Write out a list of all the negatives of adderall. Look at it as often as you need to in order to stay on track. 5. Track your number of days clean- I found the Streaks app to be very helpful. I check off each day clean. It's saved me multiple times when I've had the phone in my hand to call the dr. for a prescription. I look at all the days added up and realize that I fought for every day clean and I'd hate to start over from day 1. Good luck and let us know how you're doing!

Happy Holidays everyone! I think this season can be difficult for many of us who have dealt with adderall dependency and quitting, maybe in addition to other addictions. This is my first time back to my hometown since I've been off of adderall, so it's been pretty triggering to be back in my room at my parents' house and in the same setting when I was on it everyday and felt miserable, trapped, and unable to quit. This is vain, but I also just got back from shopping and was disappointed when I couldn't buy everything in the smaller sizes that I wore when I was at my thinnest on adderall. And of course it's the holidays and I'm eating more treats while visiting with family, so I feel a bit triggered and panicked. I still fight that voice at the back of my mind saying, "It's okay, you can just go back on adderall if you need to!" Thankfully I know how far I've come off of it, but those moments of temptation continue to startle me. Just wanted to share my experience and say I'm thinking of you all. I hope you're all at peace and able to enjoy the holiday season without distractions or worries. And if you're struggling, please know that you aren't the only one and that you can come here to vent or for support.

Congratulations! Great milestone to celebrate. Thanks for sticking around here and posting. It helps more than you know!