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About Doge

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  1. Modafinil / provigil

    Please share it cautiously, and remember that a suggestion like the one you are implicitly making could be disastrous for many on this forum and wreak havoc on the recovery that they have worked so hard to preserve.

    congratulations on 4 months! That is a huge milestone. there are definitely hard times ahead still but you are getting stronger by the day! say focused, and remember to keep celebrating the small victories, soon you'll be celebrating half a year!
  3. I can't believe it's me...

    Don't beat yourself up! It's not ridiculous that you caved. If you think about what adderall does to your brain, it's a miracle that anyone ever quits (I mean that to say that recovery is precious, not that anyone should feel that quitting is too hard)! I definitely relapsed many times myself. Forgive yourself, look after yourself, but take action immediately! Cut off your future self and burn any bridges that may catch you later. Get that script shut down and tell your doctor everything! I applaud you for seeking help from counsellors. Great plan! stay strong
  4. Story of hope!

    keep it up dolssa, we're all rooting for you! look after yourself by removing any "backdoor options" your inner addict can use against you when you're feeling weak. if you have any bridges at all, burn them while you're feeling strong!
  5. it's like that's what it was written about......
  6. I can't believe it's me...

    good plan!!!
  7. 72 days clean

    I absolutely love your posts! I always have thought the hardest part is forgiving yourself and you've eloquently unpacked that into many really great ideas I've never thought of. I remember finding healing from music also, especially during the first two months. There's so much stuff that's way better when you aren't on adderall.
  8. That's such an awesome post. Thanks for sharing this Emily! Cant wait to see that 303 day post BK99!
  9. I can't believe it's me...

    @NurseAddy thanks very much, it’s been a wild ride and life definitely got hard during this time (for other reasons) but it’s really nice to be able to own the accomplishment of overcoming those barriers without the help of a demon whispering in your ear. even as recently as a couple months ago I was having a rough day and my subconscious brain started to come up with a plot to maybe convince a doctor to give me a prescription but fortunately those thoughts are few and far between now. I still frequently have nightmares about relapsing, a couple where i broke into my friends house (who lives in another city) when he wasn’t home and raided his stash, because I know he hoards extras. But when I woke up, I pretty much shrugged it off and didn’t think about it for the rest of the day (except to think about how grateful I Was that it was just a dream). my cravings are mostly subconscious now, I PROMISE YOU the cravings do calm down and I DO have faith that they will eventually go away entirely. The hardest part is forgiving yourself honestly. But you are correct that once and addict, always an addict. You will never be able to use the drug again without immediately crashing headfirst right back down to the depths of the pits you are currently working so hard to dig yourself out of. i think the fact that you don’t hear from many users that have been clean past a few years is a testament to the fact that life really does go on after adderall. After a while they just stop thinking about it and close that chapter of their life.
  10. Well that’s always one option, but I really don’t fucking recommend it. I’ve relapsed around that mark before and I can tell you it SUCKS to go right back to insanity, be slapped in the face with realizing how horrible it was, and then to realize what you just threw away. Yeah it sucks being tired, but it beats living from pill to pill. Seriously think how much it would suck to start over from day 1. By the way, CONGRATS on cracking 300 days. You should treat yourself to something nice. Have a nice dinner or get Dairy Queen or something. You deserve it. This is really hard.
  11. getting close to a year now! i know its not easy but its worth it! things will get better!
  12. I can't believe it's me...

    Nailed it. This is me to a T. I'm a little late to respond to this but here's what I suggest. Best thing you can do is just tell your doctor you're killing yourself by binging and that you need the prescription taken away. Tell your doctor EVERYTHING. And when you're lying around during the crash feeling horrible hating yourself, do it THEN. Pick up the phone and tell your doctor. It's a terrifying thing to do because you can't go back. But that's the whole point. When you're 3 years clean, you will probably be able to say no. When you're 3 months clean.... probably not. The addict inside your head will be all like, "just wait until you feel better". But by then it'll be too late and you'll already be looking forward to your next fix instead of wanting to quit. I'm about a year and a half clean, and if some stranger on the street offered me adderall tomorrow, I hope i'd say no. But honestly I really don't know I might take it. The fact that I don't have any access is my biggest ally. It's the only reason I'm free from that shit. Tell your doctor to cancel the prescription! Sorry this is a disorganized mess of thoughts, but I'm rooting for you!
  13. By the way, I have also kept my recovery secret in my own life. Most people here recommend telling others close to you. Because while you might feel embarrassed to display your vulnerabilities to those who care about you, it's totally worth it if it helps prevent you from relapsing. That being said, it's a very personal choice. I've successfully kept my recovery a secret from my family and friends, but it has also possibly cost me a handful of DAMAGING slips that might have been avoided otherwise. It saved my pride, but possibly took months or years off my life. Adderall is vicious to your body. Just my thoughts.
  14. This is true on so many levels. I'd be lying if I said I had the answer. I'm super glad you posted (I just logged in out of the blue after a long hiatus from the forums and your post is the first one I saw). 3 months is AWESOME by the way! I found the 60 day point was when I found myself in a relapse cycle, so punching through that barrier was a huge thing for me. The recovery depression is definitely real for me too. Once you get cleaned and start seeing the bigger picture that is your life, it's easy to beat yourself up for the past. Something that I heard recently is a quote: "Guilt is lazy energy." and I've been reflecting on it a lot lately. It's good to reflect on mistakes and learn from them, but if you over do it and beat yourself up you are just focusing on the past rather than working towards seizing the future that is available to you. All I do know for sure is, no matter what your story is, it does get better the longer you stay clean. Your brain re-calibrates itself slowly over time. This I can definitely confirm! Post lots, and remember to celebrate the small victories. Even the shittiest day you could ever possibly have is a victory if it puts you another day further away from "adderall hell".
  15. Addict or just a junkie?

    I totally know what you're getting at, as I was a binge user also, and went through detox CONSTANTLY, like it was no big thing. It became part of my routing and I would incorporate recovery time into my binge schedules. The thing with binging is that the addiction is different. You can often easily stop usage for a few days if you need to. Your day to day urges are not that strong. But whatever your binge cycle is (like as you say, one week out of every month), you will feel that pressure building like clockwork. With binging, you get cravings less frequently, but when you do get cravings, you a) crave the BINGE, not moderate use and b ) you crave it FIERCELY, nobody will be able to talk to you out of it Like steam pressure building up in your brain, the binge/detox cycle just opens the valve and lets the pressure out. Only for it to slowly start boiling again, to become a problem again in a month or so. It feels like being a ticking time bomb. It's the proverbial monkey on your back. Personally, I think because of my binge style use, and how much time I spent sober (because I would run out really quickly and have to wait for a refill), it took me a LONG time to face the fact that I was helplessly under the control of adderall, and my choices were not my own. I would propose to you to consider the fact that the detox part of the cycle is actually a part of your addiction. When I finally had this epiphany it really helped me understand why I was doing the things I was doing, despite it destroying my body, life and future.