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Posts posted by Doge

  1. Don't beat yourself up!  It's not ridiculous that you caved.  If you think about what adderall does to your brain, it's a miracle that anyone ever quits (I mean that to say that recovery is precious, not that anyone should feel that quitting is too hard)! 

    I definitely relapsed many times myself.

    Forgive yourself, look after yourself, but take action immediately!  Cut off your future self and burn any bridges that may catch you later.  Get that script shut down and tell your doctor everything!

    I applaud you for seeking help from counsellors.  Great plan! :) stay strong

    3 people like this

  2. keep it up dolssa, we're all rooting for you!  look after yourself by removing any "backdoor options" your inner addict can use against you when you're feeling weak.

    if you have any bridges at all, burn them while you're feeling strong!

    2 people like this

  3. On 10/19/2019 at 10:14 PM, Emily said:

    there are some major parallels between the seducing power of the ring and drug addiction. No one can handle it without being corrupted. No one can wield its power. They always think they can. They will justify taking it as if it's for a greater good, but every time the power they think it will give them is an illusion. The thirst for that feeling alwats inevitably robs them of their identity and freedom. That's why Smeagol/Gollum's story is so compelling. He represents the fate of anyone who succumbs to the lure of power.

    it's like that's what it was written about......

  4. I absolutely love your posts!  I always have thought the hardest part is forgiving yourself and you've eloquently unpacked that into many really great ideas I've never thought of.

    I remember finding healing from music also, especially during the first two months.  There's so much stuff that's way better when you aren't on adderall.

    1 person likes this


    @NurseAddy thanks very much, it’s been a wild ride and life definitely got hard during this time (for other reasons) but it’s really nice to be able to own the accomplishment of overcoming those barriers without the help of a demon whispering in your ear.  even as recently as a couple months ago I was having a rough day and my subconscious brain started to come up with a plot to maybe convince a doctor to give me a prescription but fortunately those thoughts are few and far between now.

    I still frequently have nightmares about relapsing, a couple where i broke into my friends house (who lives in another city) when he wasn’t home and raided his stash, because I know he hoards extras.  But when I woke up, I pretty much shrugged it off and didn’t think about it for the rest of the day (except to think about how grateful I Was that it was just a dream).  

    my cravings are mostly subconscious now, I PROMISE YOU the cravings do calm down and I DO have faith that they will eventually go away entirely.

    The hardest part is forgiving yourself honestly.

      But you are correct that once and addict, always an addict.  You will never be able to use the drug again without immediately crashing headfirst right back down to the depths of the pits you are currently working so hard to dig yourself out of.

    i think the fact that you don’t hear from many users that have been clean past a few years is a testament to the fact that life really does go on after adderall.  After a while they just stop thinking about it and close that chapter of their life.

    4 people like this

  6. Well that’s always one option, but I really don’t fucking recommend it.  I’ve relapsed around that mark before and I can tell you it SUCKS to go right back to insanity, be slapped in the face with realizing how horrible it was, and then to realize what you just threw away.  Yeah it sucks being tired, but it beats living from pill to pill.

    Seriously think how much it would suck to start over from day 1.

    By the way, CONGRATS on cracking 300 days.  You should treat yourself to something nice.  Have a nice dinner or get Dairy Queen or something.  You deserve it.  This is really hard.

    4 people like this

  7. Quote

    I think the sober me desperately wishes to believe that, but the addict me is already too excited that it's refill time that I subconsciously know what's about to happen. 

    Nailed it.  This is me to a T.

    I'm a little late to respond to this but here's what I suggest.  Best thing you can do is just tell your doctor you're killing yourself by binging and that you need the prescription taken away.  Tell your doctor EVERYTHING.  And when you're lying around during the crash feeling horrible hating yourself, do it THEN.  Pick up the phone and tell your doctor.  It's a terrifying thing to do because you can't go back.  But that's the whole point.  When you're 3 years clean, you will probably be able to say no.  When you're 3 months clean.... probably not.

    The addict inside your head will be all like, "just wait until you feel better".  But by then it'll be too late and you'll already be looking forward to your next fix instead of wanting to quit.

    I'm about a year and a half clean, and if some stranger on the street offered me adderall tomorrow, I hope i'd say no.  But honestly I really don't know I might take it.  The fact that I don't have any access is my biggest ally.  It's the only reason I'm free from that shit.  Tell your doctor to cancel the prescription!

    Sorry this is a disorganized mess of thoughts, but I'm rooting for you!

    3 people like this

  8. By the way, I have also kept my recovery secret in my own life.

    Most people here recommend telling others close to you.  Because while you might feel embarrassed to display your vulnerabilities to those who care about you, it's totally worth it if it helps prevent you from relapsing. 

    That being said, it's a very personal choice.  I've successfully kept my recovery a secret from my family and friends, but it has also possibly cost me a handful of DAMAGING slips that might have been avoided otherwise.  It saved my pride, but possibly took months or years off my life.  Adderall is vicious to your body.  Just my thoughts.

    2 people like this

  9. Quote

    It’s truly hard for me to tell what is the result of withdrawal and what is the result of any dissatisfactions I’m having with my situation in life (career, where I’m living, relationships, etc). I suspect those two things are highly related, which makes navigating what real changes I may need to make that much more difficult.

    This is true on so many levels.  I'd be lying if I said I had the answer.  I'm super glad you posted (I just logged in out of the blue after a long hiatus from the forums and your post is the first one I saw).

    3 months is AWESOME by the way!  I found the 60 day point was when I found myself in a relapse cycle, so punching through that barrier was a huge thing for me.

    The recovery depression is definitely real for me too.  Once you get cleaned and start seeing the bigger picture that is your life, it's easy to beat yourself up for the past.

    Something that I heard recently is a quote:  "Guilt is lazy energy." and I've been reflecting on it a lot lately.  It's good to reflect on mistakes and learn from them, but if you over do it and beat yourself up you are just focusing on the past rather than working towards seizing the future that is available to you.

    All I do know for sure is, no matter what your story is, it does get better the longer you stay clean.  Your brain re-calibrates itself slowly over time.


    Just getting this out there and relating to some people who have gone through recovery would be a big help right now.

    This I can definitely confirm!  Post lots, and remember to celebrate the small victories.  Even the shittiest day you could ever possibly have is a victory if it puts you another day further away from "adderall hell".

    3 people like this

  10. I totally know what you're getting at, as I was a binge user also, and went through detox CONSTANTLY, like it was no big thing.  It became part of my routing and I would incorporate recovery time into my binge schedules.


    The thing with binging is that the addiction is different.  You can often easily stop usage for a few days if you need to.  Your day to day urges are not that strong.  But whatever your binge cycle is (like as you say, one week out of every month), you will feel that pressure building like clockwork.  With binging, you get cravings less frequently, but when you do get cravings, you


    a) crave the BINGE, not moderate use



    b ) you crave it FIERCELY, nobody will be able to talk to you out of it


    Like steam pressure building up in your brain, the binge/detox cycle just opens the valve and lets the pressure out.  Only for it to slowly start boiling again, to become a problem again in a month or so.  It feels like being a ticking time bomb.  It's the proverbial monkey on your back.


    Personally, I think because of my binge style use, and how much time I spent sober (because I would run out really quickly and have to wait for a refill), it took me a LONG time to face the fact that I was helplessly under the control of adderall, and my choices were not my own.


    I would propose to you to consider the fact that the detox part of the cycle is actually a part of your addiction.  When I finally had this epiphany it really helped me understand why I was doing the things I was doing, despite it destroying my body, life and future.

    7 people like this

  11. yeah we dont have profile signatures anymore.  oh well.  there are many ways to keep track of days.  maybe sometimes its nice to just say "doesn't matter how long it's been.  quit is quit.  1 month, 5 months, 2 years, makes no difference"

    1 person likes this

  12. Thinking about this a bit more the next morning.  I don't know what happened to me lately but it's like I spent the last couple months in complete denial that this ever happened.  For some reason I snapped out of the trance and it was like shocking to think back on what actually happened.


    For anyone who has the opportunity to move to a new city and get away from all the triggers and temptations, I can state for the record that it REALLY helps to get a break from hating yourself.


    Though as I said above, it can also be easy to forget a little bit too much, and let your guard down.

  13. Check out the comments section on this article. Crazy denial and victim shaming.


    Don't have any answers but there are enormous hurdles to convincing people this is a problem they should have a compassionate interest in:


    Great article, BTW.


    This article is the best I have ever read.  I have never been through a more accurate depiction of the honeymoon phase.  This person nails it exactly down to every detail for me.  And then where it goes next.


    I have spent the last ten minutes reading this article with my jaw dropped completely.  It feels like ages ago but its not.   It's so not...


    I think that's what makes it so easy and tempting to return to, even though it was insanity.  I have always managed to convince myself that it is some distant memory that can't hurt me.  How wrong that is...

    2 people like this

  14. Ok, I guess nobody saw it, but I'll post the link to it tomorrow when it's available.  It was weird this segment was featured today as I feel like a lot of people are struggling right now.  Sounds maybe a little insane, but I am a huge believer in people from the other side trying to help us.  When I was in the depths of my adderall days, I went to a psychic one night after all this bad crap went down.  The psychic called me out on my addiction issues (like absolutely nailed it) and told me get help immediately.  Then that night I got home and there was a segment on E about Lindsay Lohan and her decline highlighting adderall addiction.  I swear on my life that was not by accident.  


    I just get this strong sense that today's show was not an accident either.  It was about how rampant ADHD drugs are now on campus.  One kid said basically, "EVERYONE is doing it."  The best part about this segment airing today was the overwhelming gratitude that came over me knowing I am so blessed to have overcome this struggle.  I still can't believe I did it and almost have 6 years.  Sometimes I question how the hell I got this far and I just pray that I never relapse.  There have been so many times I have contemplated it.  There have been times I've come pretty freaking close and I just thank GOD I didn't.  It's a miracle still to this day because this drug was HARD to overcome.  But it's not hard anymore and it feels awesome to keep in touch with all of you and be able to lend a hand whenever possible.  Some people don't make it and for that I am very sad.  I pray they come back to us.  And there are those of you who kick this and I pray you stick around and visit to help the people struggling.  We don't always have the same exact battles and nobody is going to take the exact same path as someone else that will make them stay clean. But what we do have is maybe tidbits here and there from everyone and I think those tidbits of help from the group as a whole are what makes recovery work.  You just have to keep adding more tools to your tool belt in your efforts to get clean.  If something doesn't work, try something else.  If someone gives you crappy advice, go to someone else.  The answers will come if you keep searching and don't give up.  They may come when you least expect it or maybe it takes longer than you anticipated.  It is good if you can learn to accept your feelings along the way good or bad and try not to get caught up in the short term shit storms life can throw your way at times.  You just keep reminding yourself of your long term happiness and well being ahead.  Adderall is a temporary fix and will just keep you coming back for more and more causing you to be dependent and trapped.  Break free now and heal your brain, mind, body, and soul.  You will thank yourself down the road.  Just don't quit your quit!!!


    I know this is an old Post Erin but it was really insightful.  I read it for the first time tonight in detail and it's really the perfect truth.

  15. I actually forgot how long it had been, hadn't been thinking about adderall for a while since I have a lot going on (mostly good things) in my life right now.  That has really helped me a lot.  I'm happy to see I cracked the 4 month mark; I haven't been "this clean" in a long time.


    I had a tickle of a craving last night, wouldn't it be nice if I just had a few... and I remember I hadn't visited this site in a while.  As much as it's nice to be thinking about other things and forget about my nightmare of an addiction for a while, by ignoring it I am neglecting my recovery.  And that is why I failed last time.  I need to be back here often.


    I'm glad to see so many famliar names are doing so well, well into their second year already!  Wow!!  That's so awesome!


    For those of you I haven't met yet, hope to connect with you soon.

    2 people like this