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Everything posted by Doge

  1. I can't believe it's me...

    Don't beat yourself up! It's not ridiculous that you caved. If you think about what adderall does to your brain, it's a miracle that anyone ever quits (I mean that to say that recovery is precious, not that anyone should feel that quitting is too hard)! I definitely relapsed many times myself. Forgive yourself, look after yourself, but take action immediately! Cut off your future self and burn any bridges that may catch you later. Get that script shut down and tell your doctor everything! I applaud you for seeking help from counsellors. Great plan! stay strong
  2. Story of hope!

    keep it up dolssa, we're all rooting for you! look after yourself by removing any "backdoor options" your inner addict can use against you when you're feeling weak. if you have any bridges at all, burn them while you're feeling strong!
  3. it's like that's what it was written about......
  4. I can't believe it's me...

    good plan!!!
  5. 72 days clean

    I absolutely love your posts! I always have thought the hardest part is forgiving yourself and you've eloquently unpacked that into many really great ideas I've never thought of. I remember finding healing from music also, especially during the first two months. There's so much stuff that's way better when you aren't on adderall.
  6. That's such an awesome post. Thanks for sharing this Emily! Cant wait to see that 303 day post BK99!
  7. I can't believe it's me...

    @NurseAddy thanks very much, it’s been a wild ride and life definitely got hard during this time (for other reasons) but it’s really nice to be able to own the accomplishment of overcoming those barriers without the help of a demon whispering in your ear. even as recently as a couple months ago I was having a rough day and my subconscious brain started to come up with a plot to maybe convince a doctor to give me a prescription but fortunately those thoughts are few and far between now. I still frequently have nightmares about relapsing, a couple where i broke into my friends house (who lives in another city) when he wasn’t home and raided his stash, because I know he hoards extras. But when I woke up, I pretty much shrugged it off and didn’t think about it for the rest of the day (except to think about how grateful I Was that it was just a dream). my cravings are mostly subconscious now, I PROMISE YOU the cravings do calm down and I DO have faith that they will eventually go away entirely. The hardest part is forgiving yourself honestly. But you are correct that once and addict, always an addict. You will never be able to use the drug again without immediately crashing headfirst right back down to the depths of the pits you are currently working so hard to dig yourself out of. i think the fact that you don’t hear from many users that have been clean past a few years is a testament to the fact that life really does go on after adderall. After a while they just stop thinking about it and close that chapter of their life.
  8. Well that’s always one option, but I really don’t fucking recommend it. I’ve relapsed around that mark before and I can tell you it SUCKS to go right back to insanity, be slapped in the face with realizing how horrible it was, and then to realize what you just threw away. Yeah it sucks being tired, but it beats living from pill to pill. Seriously think how much it would suck to start over from day 1. By the way, CONGRATS on cracking 300 days. You should treat yourself to something nice. Have a nice dinner or get Dairy Queen or something. You deserve it. This is really hard.
  9. getting close to a year now! i know its not easy but its worth it! things will get better!
  10. I can't believe it's me...

    Nailed it. This is me to a T. I'm a little late to respond to this but here's what I suggest. Best thing you can do is just tell your doctor you're killing yourself by binging and that you need the prescription taken away. Tell your doctor EVERYTHING. And when you're lying around during the crash feeling horrible hating yourself, do it THEN. Pick up the phone and tell your doctor. It's a terrifying thing to do because you can't go back. But that's the whole point. When you're 3 years clean, you will probably be able to say no. When you're 3 months clean.... probably not. The addict inside your head will be all like, "just wait until you feel better". But by then it'll be too late and you'll already be looking forward to your next fix instead of wanting to quit. I'm about a year and a half clean, and if some stranger on the street offered me adderall tomorrow, I hope i'd say no. But honestly I really don't know I might take it. The fact that I don't have any access is my biggest ally. It's the only reason I'm free from that shit. Tell your doctor to cancel the prescription! Sorry this is a disorganized mess of thoughts, but I'm rooting for you!
  11. By the way, I have also kept my recovery secret in my own life. Most people here recommend telling others close to you. Because while you might feel embarrassed to display your vulnerabilities to those who care about you, it's totally worth it if it helps prevent you from relapsing. That being said, it's a very personal choice. I've successfully kept my recovery a secret from my family and friends, but it has also possibly cost me a handful of DAMAGING slips that might have been avoided otherwise. It saved my pride, but possibly took months or years off my life. Adderall is vicious to your body. Just my thoughts.
  12. This is true on so many levels. I'd be lying if I said I had the answer. I'm super glad you posted (I just logged in out of the blue after a long hiatus from the forums and your post is the first one I saw). 3 months is AWESOME by the way! I found the 60 day point was when I found myself in a relapse cycle, so punching through that barrier was a huge thing for me. The recovery depression is definitely real for me too. Once you get cleaned and start seeing the bigger picture that is your life, it's easy to beat yourself up for the past. Something that I heard recently is a quote: "Guilt is lazy energy." and I've been reflecting on it a lot lately. It's good to reflect on mistakes and learn from them, but if you over do it and beat yourself up you are just focusing on the past rather than working towards seizing the future that is available to you. All I do know for sure is, no matter what your story is, it does get better the longer you stay clean. Your brain re-calibrates itself slowly over time. This I can definitely confirm! Post lots, and remember to celebrate the small victories. Even the shittiest day you could ever possibly have is a victory if it puts you another day further away from "adderall hell".
  13. Necessary Disclaimer: Nothing safe and healthy will ever work like adderall did. So don't expect anything to. But some supplements can be helpful. Plenty of users have mentioned this supplement in the past, and not without good reason. It does help focus for a bit and it kind of elevates your mood, but it does have side effects. It can cause headaches, and nausea, which is why after buying some last summer and trying it twice, it sat on my shelf untouched for almost a year. They can also keep you up all night if you aren't careful when you take one. I do realize now that I bought the 1000mg capsules, which is a pretty strong dose. And breaking them in half feels like swallowing razorblades. As for the headache/nausea problem, a solution I've found for myself is to make sure not to take them before sitting in a sedentary position. So if you feel the need for a mental boost to sit and work on your paperwork hunched at a desk, I advice sticking to coffee and a multivitamin. Taking them before going jogging however has worked well for me, particularly if I'm trying to sweat out the beers that I shouldn't have had the previous night and feel like crap. I run on a treadmill currently so the biggest obstacle in my progress is boredom. They moved our stuff around in the gym so there is not even a TV nearby like there used to be (which was really nice). Anyways, I do have to say that L-Tyrosine does help you get mentally "in the zone" before exercising. This is just my personal experience but in all other settings it does nothing but bring me down. For anyone who thinks it might be helpful for them and is thinking of getting some, be sure to get the smaller dosage capsules.
  14. Addict or just a junkie?

    I totally know what you're getting at, as I was a binge user also, and went through detox CONSTANTLY, like it was no big thing. It became part of my routing and I would incorporate recovery time into my binge schedules. The thing with binging is that the addiction is different. You can often easily stop usage for a few days if you need to. Your day to day urges are not that strong. But whatever your binge cycle is (like as you say, one week out of every month), you will feel that pressure building like clockwork. With binging, you get cravings less frequently, but when you do get cravings, you a) crave the BINGE, not moderate use and b ) you crave it FIERCELY, nobody will be able to talk to you out of it Like steam pressure building up in your brain, the binge/detox cycle just opens the valve and lets the pressure out. Only for it to slowly start boiling again, to become a problem again in a month or so. It feels like being a ticking time bomb. It's the proverbial monkey on your back. Personally, I think because of my binge style use, and how much time I spent sober (because I would run out really quickly and have to wait for a refill), it took me a LONG time to face the fact that I was helplessly under the control of adderall, and my choices were not my own. I would propose to you to consider the fact that the detox part of the cycle is actually a part of your addiction. When I finally had this epiphany it really helped me understand why I was doing the things I was doing, despite it destroying my body, life and future.
  15. Ticker gone ?

    yeah we dont have profile signatures anymore. oh well. there are many ways to keep track of days. maybe sometimes its nice to just say "doesn't matter how long it's been. quit is quit. 1 month, 5 months, 2 years, makes no difference"
  16. One Word Status Update

    Merry Christmas All Sorry it's so late. I miss my ticker :<
  17. I can't stand the underwoods. They are vipers, even if charming. I think I really like the show because of the addicts in them. Doug, the alcoholic and Peter who is addicted to alcohol and cocaine. Watching their stories unfold is interesting. I really feel intense empathy towards them and their pain. I think it's no stretch to make the connection with my own struggles. It's kind of funny; to be honest I don't think the show is that good, but I keep watching mainly because I really am interested in Doug as a character.
  18. had a SUPER fun couple of nights with some musicians and we did a couple shows at some bars. next one is in a month or so I can't wait!!! I would love to share a video clip with you guys but don't wanna out my real life identity publicly on this site. if anyone wants to see send me a PM! signed, excited
  19. Checking in

    Thinking about this a bit more the next morning. I don't know what happened to me lately but it's like I spent the last couple months in complete denial that this ever happened. For some reason I snapped out of the trance and it was like shocking to think back on what actually happened. For anyone who has the opportunity to move to a new city and get away from all the triggers and temptations, I can state for the record that it REALLY helps to get a break from hating yourself. Though as I said above, it can also be easy to forget a little bit too much, and let your guard down.
  20. Checking in

    I actually forgot how long it had been, hadn't been thinking about adderall for a while since I have a lot going on (mostly good things) in my life right now. That has really helped me a lot. I'm happy to see I cracked the 4 month mark; I haven't been "this clean" in a long time. I had a tickle of a craving last night, wouldn't it be nice if I just had a few... and I remember I hadn't visited this site in a while. As much as it's nice to be thinking about other things and forget about my nightmare of an addiction for a while, by ignoring it I am neglecting my recovery. And that is why I failed last time. I need to be back here often. I'm glad to see so many famliar names are doing so well, well into their second year already! Wow!! That's so awesome! For those of you I haven't met yet, hope to connect with you soon.

    This article is the best I have ever read. I have never been through a more accurate depiction of the honeymoon phase. This person nails it exactly down to every detail for me. And then where it goes next. I have spent the last ten minutes reading this article with my jaw dropped completely. It feels like ages ago but its not. It's so not... I think that's what makes it so easy and tempting to return to, even though it was insanity. I have always managed to convince myself that it is some distant memory that can't hurt me. How wrong that is...

    I know this is an old Post Erin but it was really insightful. I read it for the first time tonight in detail and it's really the perfect truth.
  23. One Year

    congrats to all of you guys. 1 year is incredible!
  24. Low self worth

    holy shit frank! almost at a year!!
  25. Nada