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Doge

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Posts posted by Doge

  2. My Story

    in Tell your story

    Posted

    Yeah I sounded overly optimistic with

    "No matter what I know I can still do awesome without it."

    I don't mean to say that I am feeling awesome (or even doing very awesome right now).

    I meant sticking it out for the long game.  Trying to to a little bit better each month than the one before.

    I feel like adderall just bypasses the whole growth factor and shoots you up to a solid 6 without having to develop yourself to get there.  In the long run, I'd rather be a 3/10 productivity wise now but hold on to hope that one day I can be a 7.

    What I meant to say is "No matter what I know I can eventually be awesome without it."

    And by "know" I mean "hope", etc.   .. and all that jazz. 

  3. My Story

    in Tell your story

    Posted

    I think honestly it probably was diminished permanently somewhat.  But I choose not to think about that.

    Instead I think about it like this:

    My FULL potential was probably diminished.  But I doubt many of us really do ever fully achieve our full potential.

    No matter what I know I can still do awesome without it.  I probably could have been more awesome if I never touched the stuff, but that's no longer an option.  And dwelling on it is not productive so I have to make a conscious choice not to.

    • Like 1

  5. My Story

    in Tell your story

    Posted

    In my experience, creativity and problem solving skills are in stronger when NOT using adderall.  But the mental endurance to keep going during frustration and stubbornly continue through adversity obviously is aided by the drug.

    If you like coding and mathematics while using adderall, you probably like it naturally as well.  You just can't do it for as long in one sitting.  But that's a good thing anyway.

    • Like 2

  8. external intervention

    in Tell your story

    Posted

    Today was when the romanticizing really began.  (The last two times I sought refills were both on Thursdays, and my thursday workday stands out as significantly different than my other days, so building a habit/trigger happened pretty quickly.)

     

    Fortunately I was able to put the thoughts from my mind without too much dwelling on the past.

     

    It makes things a lot simpler because I have zero access to getting any more pills now.  Really glad I surrendered my pride and came clean.

    • Like 1

  13. Is Adderall a Gateway Drug?

    in General Discussion

    Posted

    Adderall is the most viciously addictive of things I ever tried, and I don't think trying marijuana increased my chances of trying it.

    But I do believe that Adderall could be a dangerous gateway drug, when I stuck waiting for refills, I definitely toyed with the thought of seeking out harder stuff.  Fortunately those ideas never progressed any further than ideas.

    For me it definitely could have been a horribly disastrous gateway drug.

    • Like 3

  16. Bottom looking up

    in Tell your story

    Posted

    First of all, congratulations for destroying your stash.  That must have been empowering.  I am sad to say I never was able to pull that off. 

    I TOTALLY know what you mean about "quitting every month".

    Welcome to this community, it's the best.

    • Like 1

  19. external intervention

    in Tell your story

    Posted

    Quit Once:

    Your tough love post in my "relapse" thread from a couple of weeks ago was a huge part of my decision.  The denial focused addict inside of me tried to ignore you at first, because I wanted to believe this would just solve itself.  I relapsed twice more I think since then and your words were actually echoing in my brain (the parts about assigning *REAL* consequences to failure and sticking with them).

     

    I know it's only my second clean day, and things will get much harder soon when the romanticizing begins and the cravings return, but I don't have to be afraid anymore because it's no longer an option to act on them.  I have had many cravings in the past during which time I literally had no opportunity to get my hands on pills.  And guess what, they passed and I felt better afterwards.

     

    Two days ago during the afternoon, I was strung out (still high) in panick/despair mode after being up for about 40 hours straight and something inside of me snapped and said "this has to stop and if I don't act now it never will".  I talked myself in and out of it a few times. 

     

    The inner addict in me said the usual "Calm down, just wait until you sober up a bit.  Things will look better tomorrow.  Don't humiliate yourself.  You can do this on your own.  Get some sleep and think it over and if you still want to go through with it you can.  Don't be hasty."

     

    Bullshit.

    -------------
     

    if anyone else is reading this and knows what I am talking about, and wants to quit but is afraid.  Do not listen to this voice.  It is not you.  It is not your friend.  It doesn't want what is best for you.  It wants to kill you.

    If you don't think you can resist temptation, TELL SOMEONE.  It feels SO GOOD to have faith in the future again.

    • Like 1

  20. Confused

    in Tell your story

    Posted

    The body certainly recovers faster than the brain.  Supplements are great way to help.

    I don't know if it's hit you but I remember during one of my few times being clean, around the 30 day mark I remember just being hit with a random wave of happiness.  It was for no reason, and it didn't last too long but it is something to.

    Hang in there man we'll be counting months instead of days one day.

  21. external intervention

    in Tell your story

    Posted

    Just starting day 2, and feeling massively better than yesterday.  Have caught up on sleep quite a bit.
    Eating a tonne of vegetables during the day is very helpful if even a little unsatisfying.
    I haven't gotten anything done really except keep myself fed. 

    It's embarassing how good I got at coping with withdrawal symptoms because it became an ingrained routine for me.

     

    I'm feeling a little rollercoastery every time I think about going to work this week and facing the realization that people close to me now know my secret.  But it was the right thing to do and I still feel relief about it as well.

    Fear of relapse was getting so bad that I was almost beginning to plan ahead for it as well as crashes when I was totally sober.  What a horrifying thought.  I literally don't have to feel afraid of this anymore.

    It's funny how terrified I was of admitting to another person that I didn't have control. For so long I thought my battle had to be to win back control.  It's so liberating to just admit the truth and not have to fear the future anymore.

    • Like 2

  23. Confused

    in Tell your story

    Posted

    This thread is awesome.  I like reading the transformation.  Keep up the updates!

    I was able to shit out awesome riffs and arrange entire songs in one session (a very unhealthy 14 hour session).


    I used to do this on guitar and piano too, and I miss it.  When I'm romanticizing that past though, my brain conveniently forgets the (possibly long term) damage I did to my wrists due to overuse.  Imagine the pain of just not being able to do it ever again.  Our body's have limits and adderall doesn't make them go away, it just makes us ignore them.
    • Like 1

  24. external intervention

    in Tell your story

    Posted

    So I'm here again, day 1 of "the final crash".  Thankfully I don't have to be at work until Tuesday.

     

    I've never shared my full story, but have on several occasions incoherently rambled about certain parts of it, as it seemed to be therapeutic at that moment.  I focused more on what I wanted to hear.  I was only really sharing the parts of it that I was ready to admit.  I was just using this site to make myself feel better, but feeling better isn't going to solve my problem.

    In the interest of full disclosure, this post is quite long and I apologize for that.  I feel like I need to get this out in writing while it is fresh, and also as some sort of symbolic start of a new beginning.

     

    TL;DR I confessed my addiction and cut off all access to refills.

     

    I read a lot of people saying they distinctly remember the first time they upped their dose.  The scene in Requiem for a dream when the lady does this certainly hits home for me.  I remember coming to the decision on a summer night around 11 o'clock when I began to feel the usual dose wearing off (I'm naturally a night owl and I work independently so it's not uncommon for me to go to bed around 4am).  For some reason I just wasn't satisfied with what I had gotten done that day and wanted to keep going.  I knew if I took another I'd be up all night.  I felt that this was no big deal because I could just sleep later to compensate and then use more adderall later if I needed to fix my sleeping patterns.  This way of thinking march marks the beginning of my full-blown addiction, and in fact my first binge.

     

    It was as if I could not bear the feeling of the drug wearing off anymore.  I redosed every 2-3 hours or so until my little container was empty.  After the first couple rounds I stopped even questioning it and it became automatic.  Fortunately I only had about 200mg altogether or I might have just kept going until I OD'd and died.  Of course after a couple of those redoses, I wasn't even being productive anymore.  I was just sitting at my computer wasting time strung out like a speed freak.  My tolerance was still quite low at this point, 15mg was my usual dose, and I only took it about 3-4 days per week. 

     

    Because I hadn't developed a physical dependance on the substance, my "crash" was more like a really bad hangover.  After about 2 days sitting around re-watching Game of Thrones and eating pizza, I felt more or less back to normal.  Of course I felt kind of stupid for wasting my precious pills.  I was more focused on the potential productivity over the next couple weeks that I had just thrown away.  I mourned the loss of my stash, not the binge itself.

     

    Again, having never been even a daily user before, and since I had never done this before, I quickly recovered from the crash and felt fine.  For the next few weeks I was about as productive as I ever have been before even having even heard of Adderall. 

     

    I didn't know it yet but I would never again take the recommended dose (unless it was all I had).

    As soon as I refilled, the same thing happened the first time I used.  As soon as it started to wear off, I redosed, and did this continuously until I was completely out.

     

    This continued for quite some time, before I was willing to admit to myself that I was addicted.  Many years earlier I had learned about physical dependencies when I took prescription painkillers that had severe withdrawal symptoms when the prescriptions expired.  I thought I understood addiction because of this, and that I was smarter than it was.  The withdrawal symptoms were hell but once they were gone I never wasted a thought on the issue ever again.

     

    Whenever I would run out, I would swear never again to make the same mistake.  This continued for several months before I finally figured out something was seriously wrong, and even then I assured myself it was just a red flag not the real thing.

    I continued this cycle for the most of the passed two years:
    1) I would get a resupply, with 100% intention of taking no more than 1 in a single day. 
    2) Within a couple days or so, I would take my first one, and then keep re-dosing until they were gone.
    3) Eventually crash between 24-36 hours later.
    4) Recover from withdrawal symptoms, during which I would be as convinced as if God himself came down from the heavens and told me that I was addicted.  I would swear to myself and him that I would never touch it again. 
    5) When the withdrawals ended, I gradually wrote them off as just blowing things out of proportion due to a bad hangover.  No different than a wild night of partying which lots of people do occasionally.  Roughly 25 days later start over.
     

    I think that maybe the rationale I used to delude myself was that each time I went through the withdrawals, and then live normally for most of the month, I convinced myself I had once again conquered my addiction (but also wisely cautioned myself against making the same mistake again).

     

    I didn't want to see the bigger picture and admit that it was one long addiction that I was falling victim to, and it was getting stronger every time I relapsed. 

     

    Robin Williams said it perfectly, though this is not an exact quote (but close enough):
    "It's as if the smarter you think you are, the harder it is to see it happening.  I've got an idea, I'll just take a little bit."  The reality (as I see it now) is that I have trained myself to be addicted to the whole ritual, including the withdrawal symptoms.

    I can't even recall exactly when I truly figured this out, but I've had enough relapses since then to deduce that understanding alone will not be enough of a game changer to prevent continuing to relapse.  I may be able to overcome this without help from others, but

    1 ) I'm starting to doubt it.

    and

    2 ) but why risk it? or even risk delaying it?

    • Like 1
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