Doge
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Posts posted by Doge
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got time for an afternoon nap?
it sucks not being 20 anymore but a 10-15 minute nap is amazing and goes a long way when you didnt get enough sleep the night before
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5 htp helps SO MUCH in feeling more positive.
eating comfort food is so helpful getting through the "dark" days.
hopefully things brighten up a bit for you in the next couple of days.
once you feel up to it (as soon as possible, I'd say these are totally safe to do on day 1 even) try these wall pushups
shoot for doing a few of them really slow every time you get up to go to the bathroom. but focus on perfect shoulder and back posture instead of how many you do them. do them really slow too. they just get your heart rate going a bit and give you a bit of a head rush (careful don't overdo it if you're still dizzy from withdrawls)
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thank you for your advice. i need as much as i can get
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yeah without cutting off my supply it was back to the same routine.
binge for 2 days, crash for 3, then start early recovery. eat healthy, get back into life again, start being productive again after about 3 weeks, that would last maybe another month.
then suddenly a switch would go off in my mind and i would tell myself its no problem to get some more pills I'm clearly not addicted anymore I've gone 6 weeks without any. a quiet voice in my head would tell me that I know that's bullsht but at that point I just wouldn't care enough and was prepared to accept the consequences.
I've been repeating this since last november. sometimes I'd make it a month, sometimes two months, i made it almost 3 months in this spring but just fell on my face randomly because of one weak day. I just can't do it if I have access. I'm glad I don't now.
I can't wait to hit that 4 month range. my body is much more healthy this time than it was when i quit the first time. so I am hopeful I will enjoy those recovery milestones maybe slightly sooner than my last timeline allowed.
I was doing so great last year but threw it all away because of arrogance. I like to romanticize about the idea that people will learn from my mistakes but I know deep down that I refused to listen to anyone elses mistakes.
I always knew on some level that I was making the wrong choice but didn't care. I don't know how to explain it but i think everyone on here knows exactly what i mean. it's the addiction aspect that non-users will never understand but we do all too well.
again im going in circles but it's precisely the reason that not cutting off access permanently is a recipe for disaster. although I feel like I remember at least one member on this site was able to do it. I still cannot fathom it.
it's the dark passenger that Dexter talks about (fictional TV show if anyone's not heard of it) when he goes to NA meetings (but is secretly talking about his need to kill people). you know he's going to wreak havoc on your life but you want him to on some level because you're already in self-destruct mode
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I would never discuss my stimulant addiction with somebody who does not understand drugs, has an anti-drug prejudice, or especially anybody with whom I work.I think this is key right here. Especially if you really got out of control. Most people just completely don't understand how that could ever happen (just like most of us didn't before it happened to us).
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I would like to start off by congratulating all of you who are still trudging forth through the trenches every day, adding the days behind you one by one. People I remember as just starting out going through early recover are now almost a year clean. I can't express how happy I am for you guys. I saw many newbies start up at the site and then disappear after a few days, and I would worry for what had happened. Every time I see a success story it ignites a spark of faith in me that maybe the devil isn't so strong after all.
Some of you have possibly quit through sheer willpower alone, which to me exhibits something simply unfathomable. I don't have it. To me, it's either cut off my source (which is the scariest thing in the world to an addict) or watch myself inevitably continue the cycle of self-destruction.
I had told many people who come to this site that they need do exactly this (cut off their supply) to avoid setting themselves up for relapse. I have done this in a way that could be described as persistent badgering, perhaps even crossing the lines of what is appropriate or helpful. All the while, of course, I was being a hypocrit. I hadn't done this myself (as I did with my original quit which was a very successful 10 months in comparison). For those of you who know me here you may have guessed that my disappearance corresponded to slipping again, which I have done so many times now that I didn't even bother making a ticker anymore because I knew that I hadn't cut myself off, and just couldn't bring myself to do it.
Despite my failures, I have been blessed with gifts in life I don't deserve. I am making progress in school and looking like I might actually successfully finish within the next year (certainly not with flying colours or anything, but I'll get to walk across the stage at least). This is something that adderall has not helped me with whatsoever (except for during the honeymoon stage which we all know about), but instead hindered me in every way.
Most importantly, I am happy to share with you that I have finally started a real relationship with someone who means the world to me. When I am with her I feel free. Adderall doesn't exist in my mind. I know the driving force for my addiction was loneliness and it helps so much to plug that hole in my heart. Even hearing myself say these things in my heart I am putting too much pressure on it already. There will be a time, probably very soon within the next month if history has taught me anything, where I get another unstoppable irrational craving for a 48 hour pill-induced dopamine binge. I fear the kind of person I will become during this time, and if I will be capable of loving someone the way they deserve to be loved. I should warn her, but I'm too scared to for obvious reasons. Maybe it's me being selfish or just plain weak, but I'm promising myself and all of you that I will be strong enough not to let my addict take control again.
It would be foolish to simply cling to this new love as some sort of lifeboat that is going to save me. And worst case scenario, what happens if it suddenly and harshly fails for whatever reason as so many romances do? I'm no stranger to heartbreak. Things don't always turn out well; and what sort of power will my inner addict suddenly wield if I should fall on my face and be alone again? This sort of threat leaves no room for access to pills.
These are my thoughts and concerns running through my head this past week. It's funny how quickly I picked up the phone and cut off my access for good. I swear to you all that I would not bother making this post if I didn't do exactly that. There wasn't even a second of hesitation in my mind when I thought of it. Sorry for the long winded book folks, but you are my therapists and I can't tell anyone else this and needed to share. I'm happy to announce my faith in the future once more. I can enjoy watching my turtle ticker walk across the screen without the impending feeling of doom, thinking it's all just going to come burning crashing end soon.
Thanks to everyone for being here and accepting me back. I love you all and haven't stopped thinking about you.
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I told my best friend (or so i thought at the time) about my problem and he seemd to be very understanding and supporting. Then he faded away over the course of a couple months and then stopped talking to me completely.
I now consider him a fake friend and tell myself its no loss but it still hurts. I don't know the answer.
I'm careful who I tell but it is somewhat of a relief to tell someone in real life if possible to have some support.
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I played dumb and said I knew of it but was pretty oblivious to how it worked. He explained what adderall did and what it was for and I still tried to play it cool,Same here!! I remember trying to act cynical and skeptical like i didnt really want to try. Meanwhile my inner addict was screaming with excitement and could be barely be contained. Chilling....
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until or since what?
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OMG YES
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I'm so sorry for your experience. This sounds so abusive to go through.
I wish you both the best. Honestly, it's better for you to get out of this situation ASAP.
Either she actually stops taking these scripts when you leave, in which case she's going to have a agonizing reality check when she realizes how painful adderall and tramadol withdrawals are (and that you were the only support she had). I've experienced both and tramadol is MUCH MUCH worse.
Or she will just continue to self destruct and that's not a situation you want to be in no matter how much you love her.
Being an addict is no walk in the park, but as many thoughtful posters on here have shown me, neither is loving an addict.
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congrats on making an excellent decision!
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" if something bad happens it fucking happens 100 years after I'm gone does that shit matter?"
this is gonna get added to my favorite quote list!haha you rule Frank
so happy you are having some good days. you deserve them
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kind of on topic
this song makes me cry
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absolutely. I think the addictive properties of most ADD drugs are the same, even if they aren't the exact same substances.
congrats on day 14! that is a huge chunk of time to conquer, and is some of the darkest time to go through!
if you only abused for a short time, that means you will very quickly get to the point where you've been clean longer than the time period that you actually used, which is a huge triumph in the process of recovery.
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Just remember that things will keep getting better. My advice is to not over-push yourself to be social when you don't feel like it.
Introverts need time alone to recharge. That being said, try to maintain the status quo so things get easier. Like, if you are socializing with friends, say, twice or maybe only once a week, try to maintain that but don't over push yourself. It helps if your friends understand what you're going through too. Pretend socializing is like cardio or lifting weights. Stay on the fringe of your comfort zone until it becomes well within your comfort zone.
This has been the hardest 7 months of my life. I can't believe I have stuck it out this far and I am very proud of myself. But I need this anxiety/depression to go away. I can't keep going like this. I really am not interested in taking any more pills (depression/anxiety meds) but I feel like I need to do SOMETHING.... What can I do??
You should be proud! From what I understand you truly have gotten through the worst of it!
Now take this with a grain of salt because I can only really guess at what your situation is like. But I think you should just keep doing what you're doing. Don't be afraid to allow yourself a vacation wherever possible. Like maybe bingewatch a couple new shows and eat some guilty snacks. Just keep putting one foot in front of the other for now and keep stacking those days. You are doing phenomenal!!!
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Adderall Cravings
Imagine the euphoria of calling the doctor and finding out my prescription is ready. Imagine the excitement, racing heart, and adrenaline coursing through my veins to go get the next batch of pills. Imagine getting to the grocery store pharmacy to pick them up and running to the bathroom first because my brain has already signaled to my body speed is coming and my body is reacting without even taking a pill!!! Get pills, take a pill at the grocery store because I am so excited. Within 30 minutes I am sweating excessively and talking 100 miles a minute. I am flying around the apartment now cleaning and working excessively. Go outside and smoke a cigarette (gag). Drink 30 gallons of water to combat excessive thirst. 3-4 hours later time to take another pill. Repeat process. 48 hours later. The apartment is so fucking clean I could lick the bathroom wall and not be grossed out. Everything is in perfect order from my bills, to my sock drawer, to old pictures now perfectly organized in their photo album by year, time, date etc. I am EXHAUSTED. I feel disgusting. I am moody as fuck. I am depleted of every ounce of energy as I haven't slept in 48 hours. But I now have to go to work. I FINALLY got all my chores done, but it's too late to sleep. I take a shower, pop another pill. I go to work. At work people talk to me and I SNAP on them. I am paranoid, jittery, and my jaw hurts from clenching it so fucking hard. I am sweaty and tired as fuck. I have smoked 2-3 packs of cigarettes in 2 days. I feel absolutely FUCKING HORRIBLE. I haven't eaten really at all besides coffee drinks and a few bites here and there. On the way home that night I stop and get alcohol. I drink 6 beers and suddenly wide awake again. I can't come down. I smoke pot. I FINALLY fall to sleep for like 3 hours. I wake up feeling like DEATH. But guess what? It's time to pop another adderall and start the cycle all over again. It is now 3 weeks later and my body is like a shriveled up 80 year old woman's body. I have smoked 15 or more packs of cigarettes. Drank cases of beer and filled my lungs with weed. I feel SICK. I am out of adderall. I spend the next week asleep at my desk at work. I cannot keep my eyes open on the job. My apartment becomes a destroyed mess. I go into a zombie mode. I would die to get some adderall. A week goes by...my next prescription is ready. Cycle repeats.
This is like looking into a mirror. Very well written. Who would ever choose this if it weren't for the demon in our heads.
Take the pill. 20 mg xr. My heart starts racing even before it kicks in. I feel blood and adrenaline pumping through my body at high speed. I'm so sweaty and scared and excited. Start drinking tons of water. Feel the euphoria kick in, slightly. Feel excited and invincible and smart. Tell myself I'm cleansing my body by 'fasting' on adderall. Anticipate the euphoria coming up even higher, but it's very slight. Immediately feel dissatisfied: I want to feel more euphoric, but I don't. I want to do more, clean more, read more, exercise more, but everything makes me feel dissatisfied. Why doesn't adderall feel the way it used to for me? My heart is racing. Am I dying of a heart attack? What if I die here alone and nobody finds me? Panic attack ensues. I go for a walk but immediately feel agoraphobic. Try to calm down. Take a couple of klonopin. Feel hollow and regret losing all the time I've put into my recovery. Start beating myself up.Then I start thinking about how I can get a prescription. Might as well, since I already reset my recovery. Look it up online, spend 2 hours on the internet reading forums about how to convince my dr I need adderall. Go back to compulsively cleaning, or working, or whatever I've lost myself in doing. Think about how badly I want to take another pill but don't have one. Can't stop thinking about adderall, more adderall. How can I get more adderall? Think about how unproductive and lazy I am without it, how much better my life would be if I went back on it. Feel extremely dissatisfied with myself, my work, and the fact that the euphoria is gone after an hour. Frantically I drink pot after pot of coffee in an attempt to bring back what little scraps of euphoria I had. The day is already almost gone. I feel empty inside. Although I've read 500 pages I can't remember, or dusted and vacuumed my whole house, I still don't think I've done enough today. Start craving alcohol. Find an excuse to buy a couple bottles of wine-- it's my adderall day, I need/deserve this. On my way there, I get annoyed with every car on the road. While there, I get annoyed with everyone at the store. Have some drinks and throw away 2+ months of sobriety, the longest I've ever gone since I started drinking as a teenager. Get trashed from a couple drinks on an empty stomach. Send some drunken/adderall texts. Keep drinking to calm down, finish both bottles of wine, watch movies, pass out at 3 am. Wake up 3 hours later with a pounding head, nauseous, dehydrated, bad taste in my mouth, regretful, heart is sore, back is sore. Have another panic attack. Vomit. Still feel tweaked out but can't function. Too panicky to go anywhere. Spend all day in bed, manage to get some food in my stomach, take some headache pills, watch hours of movies, beat myself up. Repeat for 2-3 more days. Eventually forgive myself for messing up and start my recovery all over.This all too perfectly sums up what it would be like to have JUST one more pill, bringing back ALL the brutal cravings but then not being able to do anything about it.
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go get her
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I had this feeling once so I know it's possible. It was about a month after I relapsed last year. When we were together, adderall didn't exist to me. I was pretty down in the dumps and it lifted me to the clouds like I didn't even think possible. It was short lived but my heart still smiles whenever I hear from her.
As far as the ability to be sexually intimate with someone, i worry about this all the time, but still don't know. I suspect the drug to be damaging in that regard, to males anyway. I have faith that time will heal however.
On a side note, you are still a hero to me Frank your child is lucky to have you man. Your story is inspiring.
I disappeared from this site for a while and when I come back and am glad to see you're still pressing forward racking up days. Keep up the awesome work.
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I really hope you feel better soon. It feels like forever ago since I was last clean for 6 months but somewhere around 7 months last year I started to feel like a new person. Not just saying that to dangle a carrot in front of you either it was really notable when I realized it. I don't remember exactly when it dawned on me that I had changed so much for the better but it was just a feeling like shackles having been unlocked for a while and finally starting to crumble away.
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A big part of the crash is that you are often running your body with no fuel (calories). When the comedown hits you finally experience the reality of the empty tank which makes you feel like you are about to pass out, dizzy, nausea, headache, everything.
Hopefully your last comedown is behind you (and mine behind me too) but the best thing to provide relief for this is sugary beverage like juice/gatorade/smoothie (to rehydrate), some food (so your body can repair the damage done), and to get your ass to sleep as soon as possible.
I'm not sure where you're at right now since you've talked about relapsing fairly recently but please take care of yourself!!
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Best to flush it all and get it out of your life again!
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This is something I often think about. Many of our surroundings during adderall life can be triggering. And by default that includes the surroundings that were "grandfathered" in from our pre-adderall life.
I long for that life sometimes, as I'm sure we all do, to the point of painful sadness. But it's good to remember that the pre-adderall life was a life that was on the road to addiction, and it's best to be on the other side of that, even with the wounds and scars we carry. Anyways I'm babbling.
That's awesome you've got a bike! I'm riding lots lately myself. Sounds silly but it takes me back to the days of being 10 years old. Great feeling! I hope it does the same for you.
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One Word Status Update
in Lounge (off-topic stuff)
Posted
TODO list
-woofin
-do the walkie
-sniff other doggos butt
-bork
-make tail very wagging
-take a sleep
-find pupper bork more