brandnewme

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About brandnewme

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  1. Permanent Brain/Other Damage?

    True
  2. My road of destruction with adderall

    So*, pissed*, and*, is* sorry for all the misspells, stupid smart phone 😮
  3. My road of destruction with adderall

    Justin haha it's o funny reading your post it sounds exactly like something I would write. I have just had a similar week. I did mow my lawn yesterday tho no rain for us. But I was being really negative about not finding a job yet and was just all in my head and passed at myself because I'm not doing so good with trying to lose the weight I want to lose also. (I think I was so used to how easy the weight fell off while I was using, I got that instant gratification, and now having to lose weight the healthy way like everyone else with eating healthy and exercise is really hard for me, who woulda thought anyways today I decided to be positive and just do what I could so I went to the gym nd got some stuff done. Truth be told I'm still feeling pretty negative but it us what it is I suppose. Anyways I totally relate to you. Lawn mowers and very frustrating.I like the quote also! Positive affirmations! We are what we think we are, right? hope you had a good Friday and yayy it's the weekend!
  4. going back to the gym

    Thank you for both of your speedy replies no pun intended lol. Cassie, yes that is exactly what I have been doing, ruminating and being self absorbed. Yuck I hate how self centered stuck in my own head I can get. I'm very glad to know I'm not s lone though and that it gets easier. I just got back from the gym this morning and now back to job hunting.
  5. I'm in Peoria IL, 16 months sober and I completely relate to your post I felt exactly like that at month 3 also
  6. going back to the gym

    Hi everyone, This is my first post in the general forum. After reading a lot of your topics and posts I'm so happy to have found these forums. All of you are so positive and supportive. I have been sober for a little over 16 months now ( I wrote a lot of my story in the "tell your story forum"). For mist of my time sober like a lot of you I took it very easy on myself worked a 9-5 job went to aa meetings and not much else. I forced myself to go to the gym once or twice. I recently (a wk and a half ago) made a move from FL back t my hometown in IL. I am currently on a job hunt that is thus far unsuncessful which has been causing me some anxiety. I don't yet have a schedule up here and feel like I have been letting my recovery suffer as I have been sleeping a lot and feeling more depressed than usual. I think a lot of it has to do with not having a job to keep me occupied yet up here. I read some of your posts saying some of you struggled at 16 months too. Maybe it's the 16 month slump? I'm also on an anti-depressant, effexor, 150 mg. (It doesn't seem to be helping). I also am missing my support system in FL and am trying to slowly build it back up here. I am thinking about going to the gym again to help with my anxiety and depression. Just seeing if any of you have struggled with depression during your recovery and f you have suggestions on what to do? Maybe it will just continue to get better with time? Thanks, Nicki
  7. My road of destruction with adderall

    Thank you very much Justin! How's recovery & life goin for you?
  8. Permanent Brain/Other Damage?

    Thank you for replying Justin. I'm very glad that most think most likely no permanent damage was done it gives me hope for a beautiful future.
  9. 16 Months and Still struggling

    Jazzy I have also been sober for 16 months (and 11 days as of today) I really relate to what you posted. I have times where I feel like my energy and motivation is coming back moreso but then it seems to go away again. It could be related to a move I just made from Florida back home to Illinois for me. I'm not sure but I am definitely going to wait it out and see as I don't feel normal yet either. I'm having high hopes for year two. I have also gained 30 pounds since getting sober and it is driving me CRAZY. Granted I know I was a skeleton on adderall and I do also have an eating disorder but really it is driving me crazy that this weight has not gone away (I was hoping it would just naturally come off after the first year)... But at the same time I'm not working out so maybe if I start that will help. Anyways I just wanted to let you know that you're not alone and that I'm glad you posted because it's nice to know someone is going through the same thing I am. Stay strong and God Bless.
  10. Adderall and Trichotillomania (hair pulling)

    YESSS!! I RELATE TO YOU!! Oh my gosh I thought I was the only one who did this. I never had trick before abusing adderall but after year two of abusing adderall while I was at college I began pulling out my hair. It was mostly while I was withdrawing but it was really really bad. I would lose whole spots on my scalp and there were spots that were completely bald. Before I started doing this I had long beautiful blonde hair. AND I can't believe I'm sharing this but after getting home that summer from college, I had a Brittney Spears moment, or more like an (adderall included psychosis maybe) anyways I felt like I was God and I just knew that I could give myself a "little haircut" (because it looked so bad, as I had been pulling it out) anyways I ended up totally messing up my hair (and I have never had my hair cut short) and had to get my hair completely chopped off. It is just after being in recovery now for 16 months that it is completely grown out and healthy again and I don't pull my hair out anymore. You're not alone, there is hope. Suffering is optional. God Bless
  11. Permanent Brain/Other Damage?

    I've thought about this a lot. I have been sober for 16 months 11 days and from the research I've done I believe our brain will fully recover but like zerokewl said it will take a lot of time. I don't think my brain has fully recovered yet. I'm hoping after two years it may be back to normal? I abused adderall and amphetamines hardcore for about 3 years. I'm not really sure though. But keep going it will get better one day at a time and we are all here for you.
  12. Scared I might need rehab

    I have had to go to rehab multiple times to get fully clean from all drugs my drug of choice being adderall. It helped me immensely and I would say go for it! I'm here for you if you need to talk! Best of luck
  13. Hi there everyone, I've never posted on here before. I just want to introduce myself and tell you some of my story. My name is Nicki I'm 21 years old. I am so glad these forums exist! I just found them today and holy crap, I didn't know there were so many people that struggled with amphetamines the way I did. Adderall and other amphetamines (Vyvanse, focalin, ritalin, concerta) literally RAN and RUINED my life. I first tried adderall when I was 15. (I did not have ADHD and was not prescribed the medication). My friend told me it would help to do better in school (even though I already did very well) and also that it would help me lose some weight (before taking adderall I already had an eating disorder). The first time I tried it I loved the effect it had on me. I felt like "The ultimate version of me". After that day I begged my friend to share her prescription every day. Adderall tricking me into thinking that I was nothing without it in a very quick period of time. At first as I was taking it I could study longer, I was even more outgoing, I could clean for hours, color code my closet, and things I had never been motivated to do before. Like a lot of you have already said I felt like Superwoman and I never wanted to be without adderall again. Of course I only felt like superwoman until the pill wore off. So I was using adderall daily and reaching out to other people to try and buy more and I would start freaking out if I couldn't find more and would not go to school if I ran out or to work or even get out of bed. At age 17 the friend who had first given me her adderall told my mom I had a problem and I was sent to inpatient treatment. I hated every minute of it and I did not believe I had a problem...well not really. And I thought when I got out I would just drink and smoke pot but not use adderall. I stayed in treatment 45 days and was very stressed that I was missing school work (I have perfectionistic tendencies). I got drunk the first night I got out and started attending outpatient. A kid I was at outpatient with starting selling me adderall and of course I relapsed. Anyways this story is going to take forever if I don't give you the short version but please message me if you have an questions. So at age 18 I went to treatment again and AMAed (left against medical advice) after two weeks. I graduated high school and stayed mostly sober the summer before college. I left to go to college 5 hours away. That year at college I bought more adderall and vyvanse than I ever could at home. I would stay up for weeks at a time, I would sleep for days and wake up not knowing what day it was. I didn't know who I was anymore. I didn't know what I liked to do because on adderall/vyvanse I liked to do everything. I loved the losing weight part at first but because of my co-occurring eating disorder I looked really awful like a skeleton. After that first year at college I was so sick and was not functioning and was suicidal when I would run out of adderall and my mom decided that she would not support me going to college 5 hrs away anymore that I would have to move home, prove I could stay sober, and go to community college. It feels pathetic almost writing this but I STILL could not stay sober I attempted to go back to school I went to ANOTHER treatment center for a week and then checked out AMA. I tried once more to go back to school AGAIN. I would get really anxious and overwhelmed and feel like I needed adderall. At this point I was 19. February 1st 2013 I went to a treatment center in Florida for amphetamine abuse, as well as benzos, and alcohol (but mostly for amphetamine abuse). My sobriety date is February 1st 2013 I have been sober from every mind altering substance since that day to now. (I have been clean for 16 months and 11 days). I went to a halfway house after inpatient and lived there with other girls for 9 months and then I lived in an apartment with two other sober women. I have now had two birthdays in sobriety and I also go to AA meetings and work the 12 steps which has helped me so unbelievably much. I never thought my life would be able to turn around or that I would be able to live a happy life. This first year of being sober has been hard and had lots of ups and downs for me. I felt and sometimes still feel like life is boring and I don't get much pleasure out of things I used too but I'm still hoping it will continue to get better with time. I also read on here that other people had the same question that I am always thinking of. "Did I damage my brain's pleasure centers indefinitely?" "Will they ever restore themselves?" Also the weight gain has been a big struggle for me and I have also struggled again with my eating disorder since getting sober. But more than anything I am grateful for this site so I could share my story, experience, strength and hope. It DOES GET BETTER, one day at a time!! You can be free from adderall addiction and live a life filled with HOPE, FAITH and COURAGE. God Bless, Nicki