shadowp1ay

This will be me tonight and I hate it. I have been buying xanax from a friend to help me sleep but I'm out of it now and I know I am going to have a long night of just tossing and turning in bed trying to fall asleep. I hate myself.

Woah. I am back in the cycle again of binging on adderrall so I came back on this site to re-read some of the stuff in the forums to get me motivated to quit again and I just read this thread and totally forgot I posted on here when I was about 25 days addy free. God damn do I miss being off that drug. I was bored and felt lazy at the time but I was still able to live my life without relying on the drug and didn't have to worry about running out of my script or having enough money to buy from "friends" with extra pills. I didn't have to deal with the terrible nights of just lying in bed not being able to fall asleep and then going to work on no sleep and popping even more pills to keep me functional. I have about 11 pills left and I hope I can ration them out until Friday and then I want to just lie in bed all weekend and start fresh on Monday.

Really glad to see this because right now I'm struggling with being off adderall for 3 weeks and I think a lot of it stems from my shitty diet. I treated myself to eating whatever I wanted because I never ate anything on addy, but now I think i've gotten to used to eating whatever, whenever, and it's making me feel sluggish, lazy, and depressed. Time to start eating healthy and exercising and to stop bitching and feeling sorry for myself!

Thank you all for your responses, glad to see other people can relate with what I'm going through, maybe I should go to an AA/NA meeting (since alcohol is an issue as well) and try to get support face to face. Quick update on my progress. I havn't taken adderall since the day I flushed out my pills, which is nice. I ended up calling in sick for that whole week of work cause I just couldn't get myself out of bed to go, and after 3 days I thought "what's the point now?" So going back to work kind of sucked but at least I was well rested and had a clear head. The good news The quality of my work at my job has improved dramatically. I used to use adderall as a crutch for being able to focus and maintain a high output of my work, but it would eventually turn into me getting so focused and having such great tunnel vision that if something threw me off or distracted me, I would focus on that way too much and then get off doing my work. Also just knowing how I am going to feel mentally each day helps and not having to worry about if I'm going to be running on no sleep or going through withdrawl. The bad news Life without adderall is just so fucking boring it's starting to make me want to pick it back up again. I hate to admit it but that's just how it is for me right now. I still try to enjoy the small things in life like walking my dog and reading a book and the first week or so it was actually going well cause it was a hell of a lot better than being couped up in my bed all day to scared and tired to do anything. But now that I've been off for a couple weeks I just don't care about anything. Nothing gets me excited. I start thinking "what's the point to any of this and what' the point of living?" or "If everything is meaningless, why not just drink, take drugs, and have fun while I'm here?" I know this is a terrible mindset and I am currently seeing a new therapist who I think will help me out big time with my depression and anxiety, but right now every minute is a struggle. In conclusion I plan on staying away from adderall for the time being cause I know what it will lead to, but there is still that distant voice in my head that's telling me just one or two pills on a friday or saturday night won't kill me, and I honestly can't say if I'll be able to resist. For me I can't be social without adderall or alcohol, and staying away from both has just made me bored with life and anti-social. So that's my life so far being adderall free. A reminder that this is the 2nd time of me quitting adderall. The first time about 2 years ago, I went 11 months without booze or adderall and it was pretty good, but I missed it too much and wanted to enjoy being around my friends again so I caved in and picked back up right where I left off. Would love to hear if anyone has or is going through a similar situation. -Chuck

Well that great feeling I had in flushing down the rest of my pills has turned into regret and depression. I just called in sick to my work for the second day in a row because of the withdrawl I am going through and now I think I shouldve waited until the week was over before flushing them away. At least I could've been working and then go through my withdrawl on the weekend. The main reason I want to quit is my life has become so up and down due to the drug that it's destroying my health, work life, and personal life. I feel like everytime I quit and get back on track to recovery something comes up where I immediatley think the only solution is adderall. This could be a work issue, social event, or just overall boredom. The worst part is is I feel the only way I can get someone to help me or get myself help is by doing something drastic.

Quick update on my progress. After my short relapse I went a couple days of not taking addy and felt pretty good, but as soon as I started feeling good and normal again, it popped in my head "maybe I can control how much I take with my next prescription". So thinking of only the good things that adderall brings me, I called up my drug dealer AKA my psychiatrist, and got a new prescription. Starting taking the adderall on Wednesday and felt great and productive at work, but by Saturday night I was taking pill after pill not even know why. I would take one and take another an hour later cause I felt like it wasn't working fast enough. I took so many 30 XR's on Friday and Saturday I lost count. I think at least 10, but maybe more. So as I am lying in bed last night, unable to sleep at 4:30am, I started my usual panic thinking of how I would ration out the rest of my pills so I could be productive at work and not go through a bad withdrawl. And then I became depressed because I knew I wouldn't be able to stick to 1-2 pills a day to last the rest of the week, and that the crash was going to be soon upon me. But I didn't know when that last pill would come and that's what gave me the most anxiety. So instead of going through the non stop thinking of when and how many pills to take each day, I decided I would once and for all control my addiction, and flushed the last 15 pills of my script down the toilet. As soon as I realized that if I just got rid of the pills, they wouldn't be able to control me anymore and the anxiety and depression would go away, I felt a huge weight lift of my shoulders. I felt happy, excited, and most of all FREE. I took a picture of the pills in the toilet before I flushed them and just looking at it brings a smile to my face. I know the next couple of days will be rough, but I've done it many times before and this time I won't have to worry about my supply running out, since I decided to end it on my own terms. Things are looking up.

Well, only took me 24 hours until I reasoned with myself that I needed to take a 30xr in order to function and be productive on sunday. That followed up with 3 more 30xr's over the course of the day and then 4 more on Monday and 3 more today and now my script is almost gone and I am going through that panic of what will happen to me when I run out. This is my main reason for wanted to stop. The up and down rollercoaster of being high and then scrambling to get more to keep the high going is just fucking exhausting. All my thoughts are consumed with "how can I get more adderall" and "should I take one more pill?" It's also extremely expensive and has become an extremely expensive habit. The saddest part is instead of doing normal things like hanging out with friends, walking the my dog, going on dates, or reading a book, I just spend my time on the computer reading article after article on pointless things. Or I play my guitar for 3 hours straight, which is amazing and productive in that area, but then I never want to pick it up unless I am high on addy. I almost feel like I take as much adderall as I can so I can just be done with the constant back and forth thinking of how to ration out my pills. I need to just cut myself off from my current psychiatrist so I have no option of getting another prescription.

Just joined the site and wanted to make my first post. Got my script refilled on Tuesday and by Thursday I was already taking 120mg's of addy, and went from my normal, happy go lucky self, to a complete zombie at work where I would just sit at my desk and be "in the zone" and just act like a stuttering robot to anyone I talked too. I don't want to ramble on, but I still have half of my script left and I've decided that I am done with it. I don't want to go through the misery of having to plan on out when I will take my last pill so I can time the withdrawl and not have it affect my work/social life. I have decided to quit this amazingly addictive drug on my own terms. I am going to stay at a hotel for the weekend and go through my withdrawl with no one bothering me and will emerge from the hotel on Sunday adderall free. Love this site and love reading everyone's stories of success! -Chuck