Beautiful Disaster </3

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About Beautiful Disaster </3

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  1. Almost 2 months clean and STRUGGLING

    I am just over a month and I feel your pain! I'm so glad I came on this site bc I've felt like my willpower has been dwindling- I am searching for a job and have had a few interviews and I am just feeling like its the worst time ever to have quit! Anyway, all these positive posts are giving me hope and making me realize I can get through this! And you can too! Thank you all for being so encouraging and making me feel a little more optimistic.
  2. Help Me Please

    Thanks for the words of encouragement or at least making me feel normal. I did manage to go to the gym today (only did 30 mins on the stationary bike but it's better than nothing). My biggest struggle is that I'm in a new-ish relationship (a few months) but I love him tons and we are completely open and honest with each other. I've been in quite a few relationships and this one is the real deal and we both know it (when you know you know). ANYWAY, he doesn't understand what I'm going through and I wish he understood how it is an accomplishment for me to just get out of bed and do every day normal things. Can anyone direct me to some helpful info/resources for him? The only thing I haven't been honest with him about is how I was abusing it ( he thinks I was just taking my normal 40mg/day). I also am struggling with an eating disorder (had bulimia prior to taking adderall, and any time I've quit it has come back in full force...) I have a really hard time being okay with gaining weight and I've already gained 10lbs so idk how to be okay with the weight gain but I guess that's something I'm just going to have to come to terms with. That's another area my bf doesn't exactly understand- he's like "just go work out- you'll have more energy" which I totally agree with. It's definitely easier said than done though... I guess I'm just feeling discouraged today and unsure why I would quit in the first place so any encouragement is much appreciated. Thank you to those who responded. Xoxo
  3. Help Me Please

    Alright guys, I'm almost at the 4 week mark. Here is the shortened version of my story: Been on it for five years... Tried to quit multiple times but only for about a week at a time MAX. 26 year old female. Started abusing it within the first year I took it. Normally took about 80mg a day. Rarely took any days off (if I did I'd be "taking a day off" by only taking 20mg). Anyway, I feel like I am hitting a wall. The first two weeks for some reason I felt okay. Maybe because I could feel my sense of humor coming back and I just felt generally (usually) happy. The last two weeks I have been a complete slug. I can't explain to you how little energy I've had. I'm not doing anything different from the first two weeks but I feel like Ive really hit a wall. It's negatively affecting my job performance and my personal relationships.... Help meeeeeee :'( all I want to do is lay around and sleep.
  4. Anxiety/Easily Frustrated

    Ps- thank you for such a quick response 😊
  5. Anxiety/Easily Frustrated

    This is taken from my first post in this forum: Basically, this is what adderall does to me and why I want to quit: 1- It makes my sense of humor almost disappear 2- It gives me anxiety about my heart/health 3- I get upper back aches ... I think from staying so tense all day and standing a lot 4- It makes me workout less intensely (because of my worry about my heart) and I think I just get tired/worn out easier when I workout while on adderall (Idk if this is with everyone, or just me) 5- It makes me less inclined to play the guitar 6- I am unable to write as well as I used to 7- I come up with plenty of "ideas" but am just a lot less creative than I used to be... I do a lot of arts and crafts, but am more interested in organizing them than actually doing them and creating things. 8- I want to be drug-free and not have anything in my system 9- I think it has caused me to be depressed... I was on depression medication along with adderall for about 1.5 of the 2.5 years that I have been taking it 10- I don't think I can take it successfully without abusing it 11- I don't want to take it forever and don't want to be taking it whenever I plan on getting pregnant and having children (probably within the next few years) 12- Not only does it give me anxiety about my heart/health, but it also actually causes heart palpitations which is scary This is why I like it and am scared about quitting: 1- I cannot seem to "wake up" fully without it 2- I basically go back to being bulimic when I do not take it 3- I am about to start a new job that requires a lot of self-motivation, and fear that I will not find the motivation without it 4- I am almost too carefree without it and don't take anything seriously 5- I don't feel like I am a "grown up" when I'm not on it (although I am 24) 6- I want to be able to focus on work and getting things done, but naturally am not inclined to be that way... unless I take adderall 7- Within the next few years I want to open my own business... is this possible without adderall?! 8- I live with my boyfriend, and we have a lot of conflict when I do not stay clean and organized... I want to keep the house clean to avoid unnecessary problems ^most of those are still true... Although I did see my doctor again who referred me to a cardiologist and we discovered that the heart palpitations are actually caused by hormones... Weirdly enough. I have also learned lately that sometimes things in life are tough and you just have to do certain things and deal with it... Like when I took the adderall break this last time I still cleaned my whole house bc I was just like "well, you just have to do it... It won't be fun but just get it done." My main concern now is the agitation/frustration issue... And also the fact that I will be done with my current job in a month or two and will be job searching again... Just concerned about my motivation when it comes to the job hunt. I know this is one of those things in life that- if I want to be happier in the long run- I just need to suck it up and quit and deal with it and will eventually reap the benefits. I was just curious if anyone had dealt with the frustration/anxiety issues and had come up with any solutions or ways to handle/deal with it.
  6. Anxiety/Easily Frustrated

    Hey everyone, I posted in here a while back when I wasn't fully committed to quitting... I stopped taking adderall for a few days. Then a few weeks later quit for about a week and a half. It's been about a month or two since my last "attempt" to quit. This last time when I stopped for a week and a half, after the first few days of just feeling kinda tired/loopy, I noticed that I was getting frustrated very easily and that my anxiety/feeling easily annoyed was pretty high as well. I have quite a few reasons why I am a little nervous about quitting, but my reasons for quitting far outweigh why I should keep taking it. (Even though, of course, I find myself always coming back to it.) But anyway, I am wondering if anyone else encountered this issue and what you did about it. I always eat healthy foods and exercise regularly and continued to do so the last time I quit (even though getting to the gym felt like pulling teeth!) Is this something that will go away in a few weeks?? Before taking adderall I would get easily frustrated/agitated, but don't think it was quite as regularly as it was this last time I quit. Thanks in advanced for the responses and congrats to all of you who have quit- your stories are so incredibly inspiring! Thanks for making me feel like it IS possible!!
  7. How to Wake Up and Live

    I did get an EKG done about 3 years ago when I thought I was having chest pain (just anxiety) and again about 2 months ago when I was experiencing a lot of heart palpitations/fluttering. Fortunately, they were both okay which eased some of my anxiety (unfortunately, that caused me to feel like it was "okay" to take the adderall again a couple months ago... )
  8. How to Wake Up and Live

    Thank you everyone SO much for your kind words and support... literally everyone who responded said something that really hit home for me, and that means a lot. I couldn't wait to get on here tonight to tell you all something about my day... I didn't take any adderall!!!!! And I feel okay! I definitely ate quite a bit more than I normally do, but food tasted amazing today and I don't regret getting a little overboard... i just don't want to do that every day I think that the best motto for me is to just take it day by day... tomorrow I will see if I can go through another day without adderall. One thing that I am a little concerned about (that I have noticed previously on days that I've skipped taking it) is how I get irritated a lot easier when I don't take it... I was like this before I ever took adderall and the adderall kind of makes that go away. I have noticed that when I get that irritable feeling, excercising helps a lot. So maybe continuing to workout 3+ days/week will help keep the irritability down... anywhoooo just wanted to share my successfull day Thanks again for all the support I've received... you all are my internet angels! xo
  9. How to Wake Up and Live

    Hi everyone, I am back on the forum after another break (being back on adderall)... I have been taking it for almost 3 years and the longest break I have taken from it is probably only 5 days. I am wondering how (especially in the beginning stages) you are able to wake up and decide to not take it. There was a time when I think adderall greatly affected my life, but I have been able to keep my dosage under control, so I think that it hasn't affected my personality as much the past year. Basically, (and I've said this in another post of mine) the only time that I truly want to quit is when I am scared for my health... adderall gives me heart palpitations and occasional chest pain, so when I am experiencing those symptoms is when I feel like quitting. This usually happens in the evenings... then in the morning I basically "trick" myself into thinking adderall is "good" and "okay" and take it again that day. I think I can answer this question for myself... and I know that the only way I'm going to quit is to find the strength within myself and to honestly want to quit for myself. I am just hopeful that I can do it... I am tired of being a hypochondriac and feeling like crap all day. I think the smartest thing for me is to just take it one day at a time... it scares me to say that "I will never take adderall ever again," so maybe taking baby steps and telling myself that "I will not take adderall today" will help me. I am also curious if most of you told your family/close friends about your addiction/recovery? I have very traditional/strict(ish) parents that are not down with drugs... so I am absolutely terrified to tell them. Needless to say, I am 24 years old and no longer live with them, but I do slightly depend on them for financial reasons since I've been in between jobs a lot recently or (my current situation) when I have a part-time job. So, basically I talk to them frequently and they know a lot about my life. I don't know... I am sorry this is a long, rambling, post! I basically answered my own question, I guess... I am just trying to wrap my head around quitting... I know I am making it into a bigger deal than I need to, but I feel like adderall has control of my mind! Thank you to everyone for your support; everyone here is seriously wonderful <3
  10. What Made You Quit... please help

    I haven't been on here since I posted this a while ago... and I wanted to thank everyone x10000000 for your responses! It seriously means so much more than you all realize... I am really struggling and it's so encouraging that all of you (basically strangers) take the time to read my posts and help support me in my struggle towards freedom from this evil drug! I really cannot stress how appreciative I am of all the comments. Thank you for taking the time to help me
  11. To flush or not to flush?

    I feel like I could've written this! I hope you are doing better and have made the decision to quit if you have, you are one step ahead of me.
  12. What Made You Quit... please help

    Hi all, I wrote on here a few weeks ago, and decided that I liked adderall too much, so I haven't looked at the forums since. I am sitting here after having taken 80mg throughout the day with super anxiety, my heart rate all over the place with skipped heart beats... and just freaking myself out in general. The only time I want to quit is when I am scared I am going to die or my heart is going to stop.... like right now. I am terrified right now that I am like about to die.... but at the same time I will not flush my pills because I'm scared to go without them tomorrow. NOT OKAY! So basically, what I am asking for is: 1- a little reassurance that I am not going to die because I am so close to going to the ER right now 2- MOSTLY what I am looking for is for you to explain what the final straw was... if I am scared about dying and not doing anything about it then what the hell is going to make me quit? What was your final decision to quit taking it?
  13. If you think it's HOPELESS, READ THIS.

    Thank you for this.
  14. I Need Help!

    Thank you for that I think a lot of what I'm struggling with has to do with not believing in my own strength... I swear adderall is more of a mental/fake dependence than an actual dependence! Thanks for your kind words
  15. I Need Help!

    Hi Everyone, First of all... this site is such a blessing! It is sooo comforting (and sad!) that there are so many people suffering and going through the same things that I am going through. I will share my story and will be SO grateful to those who read! I have always had AD(H)D tendencies... Growing up I was a little bit in my own world, always creative, and had my own way of thinking. I didn't do well in school once I hit 3rd/4th grade... I am smart, but I struggled keeping up with assignments and remembering to bring work home, being able to study for extended periods, etc. I actually was tested for ADD when I was like 9/10, and I remember thinking that I was being "tested" because my parents thought I was stupid! I still remember taking that "test" and trying SO hard... I was convinced that I would prove to the lady testing me that I was smart! I didn't know what ADD was or know what exactly the test was about... but anyway, I was not diagnosed with ADD at that time. My doctor now seems to believe that I "outsmarted" the test... which I don't understand how that could even happen, but either way I continued to have ADD "tendencies" through middle/high school and college. Now, I am SO thankful that I wasn't diagnosed as ADD because I would not have ever wanted to be put on adderall or any stimulant at such a young age! Anyway, I made it through my school years at a really challenging college-prep. school with B's in classes I liked and usually C's in classes I didn't like as much... I started college the fall of 2006 at a state University. For the first three years in college I did what I had to do to get by... the bare minimum and that was it. I spent most of my time drinking and partying like all my other friends. I have TONS of student loans that I am paying off now for classes that I hardly even attended! I wish I would've been a little more responsible..... anyway, during my third year one of my friends gave me half of an adderall (10 mg) when I told her that I was tired and didn't feel like going out. I didn't have "druggie" friends and stuck to drinking and every once in a while I would smoke, but I typically stayed away from anything "unkown".... until adderall, of course. She was like, "take this- you'll be able to stay up all night!" I took it and I literally felt like I was the *shiznit* ... I saw a lot of my friends that would take it and get "pumped up" and talkative/hyper... it definitely made me more talkative than usual (I had also been drinking) but I couldn't believe how internally I felt like a different person... totally composed and in control of myself. I LOVED that it made me feel so composed yet gave me energy too! I just loved how it made me feel. It also made me not hungry AT ALL... which was extremely helpful because at that time I had been suffering with bulimia for about two years. My parents knew about the bulimia and I sought counselling and saw a nutritionist which just all seemed BS to me... and my family thought I was over it, but I wasn't. I started buying adderall from a couple different people... it helped me with school, but I mostly was amazed at how I was able to completely control my compulsive eating and was able to totally control my bulimic tendencies when I was on it. Taking adderall helped me to not be impulsive and since I wasn't hungry I was able to eat normal, healthy portions. About a year after I first tried adderall, I told my parents I had tried it and how helpful it was (I don't remember HOW this came about... because my parents aren't down with drugs or anything illegal). So I ended up getting a prescription. This was in January of 2010. I have been on 20mg twice a day since then... but have experimented a lot with my dosage. About 1.5-2 years after I first started taking it I would pop them like candy... I would buy it without telling my "dealers" that I had my own prescription and would literally take multiple 20mg throughout the day... I never really tracked it but I am sure there were plenty of days that I took at least 100mg per day. I still take it every day... but for the past few months I have been down to anywhere from 20-80mg per day. I WANT TO QUIT. I have always had some anxiety, but my anxiety has been really bad lately. I am a very silly/goofy/fun person and am just not "fun" anymore... I went to my doctor about 2 weeks ago because I have been getting heart palpitations nearly every night... I know it is from adderall because when I take my prescribed dosage or less I don't get them... but I am in serious DENIAL about it and about my problem. I mean, I am having HEART PALPITATIONS ... your heart is what keeps you alive... and even thought these scare the living crap out of me, I still do not quit taking the adderall... like, clearly this is a problem. The main thing that keeps me from stopping and is the decision behind taking it daily is the bulimia issue. There have been days that I haven't taken it (even in the past few weeks) and my bulimic tendencies come back! And that is not okay with me... at all. It is almost like when I am on adderall I am able to focus on important things and not just food/binging and purging. I am scared of what adderall is doing to my heart and my health, but I am scared of bulimia controlling my life as well.... I am worried that I never actually fought my bulimia, but that adderall just helped me mask the problem. I have been dating my current boyfriend for a little over three years... so, he met and knew me- in the beginning- without the adderall... althought at that time, I was still struggling quite a bit with bulimia (which I told him about). But anyway, I was definitely more fun/carefree when we first met. Now, once I got my adderall prescription he started taking it occasionally too... and ended up getting a prescription. He barely takes it now (maybe about 1/8th of his prescription).. he just takes it every once in a while... which means I basically have 80mg of adderall available to me per day. I have asked him before to hide the adderall from me or to "ration" it out to me... but whenever I ask him to do that, inevitably, that next morning I plead with him to just give me my bottle and that I will take a "normal amount." He worries about me taking too much, but also wants me to be happy... and doesn't want to control me or play the role of a parent. And he shouldn't have to! I wish I would just own up and take control myself... I am just scared. Basically, this is what adderall does to me and why I want to quit: 1- It makes my sense of humor almost disappear 2- It gives me anxiety about my heart/health 3- I get upper back aches ... I think from staying so tense all day and standing a lot 4- It makes me workout less intensely (because of my worry about my heart) and I think I just get tired/worn out easier when I workout while on adderall (Idk if this is with everyone, or just me) 5- It makes me less inclined to play the guitar 6- I am unable to write as well as I used to 7- I come up with plenty of "ideas" but am just a lot less creative than I used to be... I do a lot of arts and crafts, but am more interested in organizing them than actually doing them and creating things. 8- I want to be drug-free and not have anything in my system 9- I think it has caused me to be depressed... I was on depression medication along with adderall for about 1.5 of the 2.5 years that I have been taking it 10- I don't think I can take it successfully without abusing it 11- I don't want to take it forever and don't want to be taking it whenever I plan on getting pregnant and having children (probably within the next few years) 12- Not only does it give me anxiety about my heart/health, but it also actually causes heart palpitations which is scary This is why I like it and am scared about quitting: 1- I cannot seem to "wake up" fully without it 2- I basically go back to being bulimic when I do not take it 3- I am about to start a new job that requires a lot of self-motivation, and fear that I will not find the motivation without it 4- I am almost too carefree without it and don't take anything seriously 5- I don't feel like I am a "grown up" when I'm not on it (although I am 24) 6- I want to be able to focus on work and getting things done, but naturally am not inclined to be that way... unless I take adderall 7- Within the next few years I want to open my own business... is this possible without adderall?! 8- I live with my boyfriend, and we have a lot of conflict when I do not stay clean and organized... I want to keep the house clean to avoid unnecessary problems I guess what I am looking for is some reinforcement and encouragement that this IS possible to survive/thrive without the adderall. I need some accountability and I am too nervous to tell my family that I have been abusing and that adderall has caused problems for me... because they worry so much already! Thanks to everyone who read everything it means a lot <3