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About Serena

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  1. No newsflash,but yeah!! Aderall still sucks!!

    Heather- You can do this. The horrible withdrawal symptoms will last and shit will start getting clear again. Each time you go back to using it makes it harder to quit. The addiction part of us tells us that it will "be different" this time. That voice is always lying. You are doing the right thing. If you are serious about quitting you should just delete those girls numbers. It's good they aren't really hanging out friends, you could just completely stop associating with them. That might sound scary right now but you could think of it as taking care of yourself. When we use Add we stop listening to our bodies and let our mind run away like a crazy maniac. Take this time to really nurture yourself. So you slipped up, you are back on track. Note the positives and keep moving forward.
  2. 9 plus months clean to relapse

    Calo- It will get better. It never feels good to throw it away and a part of you, the addict, will be screaming awful things about how you should have kept it, or to go get more. All I can say is RESIST. Distract yourself and try to do something nice for yourself. You know getting more would not be what you want. No need to beat yourself up, you actually did something good for yourself! Just take it one day at a time.
  3. 9 plus months clean to relapse

    Occasional01- For people like us who have addictive tendencies/personalities there is no such thing as a "controlled relapse." I am glad you talked yourself out of it!! I can't have just one taste, I will immediately want more and more and MORE. So for me with Add and other drugs I have been addicted to, it is really black-and-white. I cannot use and need to avoid the drug at all costs. Resist is my new motto to myself in relation to cravings. I am much better off without a drug to crack me out and ultimately make me feel untrue to myself. Here's to moving forward and letting go of Add!
  4. 9 plus months clean to relapse

    So I have been feeling unmotivated since getting rid of the Add on Thursday. Luckily on Friday I was distracted all day and had a good time with friends. I went for a nice hike yesterday and then went to a concert. Now I am alone and have all this work I need to do but this awful voice in my head keeps saying how "easy" it would have been if I had Add. I know that is a lie, since I am capable to do work on my own, but it is draining. I am going to set small tasks for myself and set a timer. I am still glad I got rid of the Add, I think my brain chemistry is rewriting itself after I messed it up by taking Add for 1 1/2 days...sigh. What an evil pill. I am ready to be back to not even thinking about Add!
  5. Congrats on taking that step! It is really hard and you feel like you made a terrible mistake, but it is actually the best thing you could do for yourself. I should know, after 9+ months of being sober I had a slip yesterday and today, so this evening I flushed the pills again. It takes time to allow space for the real you to emerge, but be gentle with yourself during this time. It will get better.
  6. 9 plus months clean to relapse

    Well I got rid of it. Sorry Sky, I flushed it. My friend was on the phone with me while I did it, otherwise I might not have been able to get rid of it. If I would of thrown it in the trash, who knows, tomorrow morning I would search through it and take it. Gross, but probably true. I just needed it GONE. I know I made the right choice. I feel weary but know that tomorrow will be better. Thanks for the support. This was just a slip and I plan to keep my commitment to myself: I don't need Adderall. I deserve better. I will take it one day at a time. Next time a craving comes, I will RESIST. I am back on track
  7. 9 plus months clean to relapse

    I know being sober again would be well worth that money I spent. I am just working my self up to getting rid of it. I know its bad to flush it, I will dispose of it another way. I have been playing guitar and reading posts. I am waiting to talk to a friend so that I can get rid of it while I am on the phone with him. I know it's not too late to get back on track. This was just a minor slip. I am going to make a positive choice and grieve the Add again.
  8. Addiction and Zodiac signs?

    I am a Sagittarius (fire sign) and definitely could see a correlation between signs and addiction. I think being passionate about learning and always searching for more knowledge and higher state of consciousness, with my addictive personality, has been quite a fatal combination at times. I want to know more about addiction and signs now!
  9. Well basically I was on here over 9 months ago when I quit Add for what I thought was for good. I posted my story on here back in June 2012. Basically I have been doing really good and after the withdrawal period of a few weeks when I first quit I haven't really had a craving. I even noted to a friend the other day that it had been almost 10 months since I quit Add. She told me how proud she was and said I had such strong willpower. Yesterday I had a doctors appointment to refill other prescriptions and I immediately knew I wanted to get Add. Just out of the blue! I even have it stated in my file that I am not to be prescribed Add because it triggers my eating disorder, and the doctor filled it. I told him that I felt really conflicted about asking but that I thought I needed a little Add to make it through the final push of the semester. He said that he was ok with it since it had been my choice to go off it and put in my file to not give it to me. He asked how many I needed and I said not many, since I was seriously feeling conflicted inside. He ended up writing a script for 15 15mg pills. I of course got it filled yesterday and took half of a pill. I felt a serious high/rush and got super focused on projects. I told myself that it was "different" this time since I had been sober for so long and could obviously do without Add. I promised myself I wouldn't take it every day and would eat every few hours. Blah, blah, the fucking pill won over. I took it again this morning and have already noticed the negative affects. I feel so guilty and as if I ruined all the time I had free from this horrible drug. I am in grad school and have been doing excellent without Add. I actually think that Add makes my work worse since I nitpick everything and get super perfectionistic. I just can't believe I made the choice to get Add again. I was conscious and I take responsibility for it but the addict part of me was in control and now I feel awful. I have been reading over past journal entries about when I quit before and I feel like if I flush the stuff now I will have only relapsed for 1 1/2 days. But the thought of flushing it is hard since I am rationalizing things away. "I spent $25 yesterday, I should at least take this for a few more days." "I will only take it recreationally." I feel very disappointed in myself. I am completely sober in all areas of my life and have struggled with other addictions and beat them and I thought I beat this one too...any advice or words of encouragement would be awesome. I know what I need to do I think I just need someone else who understands to tell me why I SHOULD get rid of the shit immediately. Thanks for reading.
  10. My struggle with Adderall

    I now have 17 days free from Adderall! What a relief. I am through the worst of it. Next step will be for me to tell my doctor that I can't be prescribed Adderall. Then I will really be done, for good.
  11. Finally learning my lesson

    Just wanted to say welcome and that you are not alone! Good job on flushing the rest of it and tearing up the script. It is hard and really sucks but it totally worth it. I recently did something very similar and I also know that I cannot ever take Adderall and be "responsible." So I hope you can continue to rebuild your life without Add. Life gets so much better, just give it a little time. Be gentle on yourself.
  12. My struggle with Adderall

    Congrats on day one! I wish you the best on your journey as well. Keep coming back here to hold yourself accountable! It's better to do this sort of thing with support.
  13. My struggle with Adderall

    Right now I am on day 5 and I feel pretty good considering how shitty I felt day 1-3. I had a fleeting thought of how much "fun" it would be to pack for a trip I am leaving on soon with Adderall and then I banished the thought immediately. I am much happier to be present and not all tweaked out while packing. Now I actually pack faster and do not obsess over every little thing. I also created a 30 day chart in my journal and for every day I am sober I put a gold star. I want 30 gold stars so I am not stopping. After 30 days I should feel strong and not need the gold stars anymore, haha.
  14. Things Adderall Kids Say

    Thanks for sharing that! It was hilarious and oh so true...oh my The part that I most identified with was when he was in the library and thinking people were really "loud" but in reality, they were probably just sitting normally. I have sensitive ears to begin with but when I was on Add, I would freak out at people's breathing, eating, any annoying habits. Biting nails...ah! Add also makes me clean obsessively. I definitely like being more present now and not constantly DOING something. What a relief!
  15. I feel SO horrible..

    Hey, Just wanted to say you are not alone! Two weeks is a long time to be free from Adderall, so congrats. I know how hard it is, I can really relate to most of what you said. I struggle with self-esteem, weight issues and Adderall accentuated my need to be "perfect." I have tried to stay away from Adderall but I find myself randomly going back to it, after being sober for 7 1/2 months. Before that I took it straight for 6 years. So needless to say, I know it is hard to stay away! What has helped me is to be really gentle with myself. I realized I have treated my body very harshly over the years and have always been underweight. So now I am trying to feed myself three meals a day and be nice to myself. I am my own harshest critic and judging myself about an Adderall slip does not help me. What I find helpful is to hold myself accountable to people in my real life and online. If you really know Adderall makes your life horrible, you will be able to stop. You can do well in life and school without Adderall. Adderall is evil and you do not need to rely on a pill. You are worthwhile all on your own, you just have to find yourself again; sober. You can do this! Why not try to hold yourself accountable on here? That's what I plan to do and I want to kick this addiction in the balls for good. Blessed be, Serena