sheswithme

i cant stop myself and my actions anymore. all night and all morning i dread what ive done. all i look forward to is smoking cigarettes, taking adderall, and completing my endless lists. i only work part time because obtaining a full time job is so so so so complicated to me, and my adderall infested mind, that i just constantly plot and think and take notes on my "ideal" employment situation and making my "ideal" life than actually work. the bain of my existence is figuring out what i want. i want so many things. and i do tons of little things - art, djing, radio show, but, no bread winner job. no real job at all. i live thousand of miles from my family - the only people in the world that dont make me want to take adderall. when im with them i just want to sit and be present with them. where i live i have one close friend. i grew to love feeling thin and my appetite is barely there. im also constantly in fear that im aging myself with the obvious caffiene/adderall/cigs. i have a ton of beauty products and regimes that i do now since i make all these lists and shit. i started working out and when i do eat it is healthy. but still - THE DRUGS. i just want a normal life. i dont want to stay up till 6am every single night (my other job is at a BAR so i get off at 3-4am anyways). so i want to flush my adderall, right now. i have a big work weekend coming up and a trip to *a major city* (other home) on monday where i have to dj (total adderall related experience) and work a very very long festival that adderall is ideallll for. basically these two tasks are on my top ten list of places i feel i NEED adderall for. if i flush them i could have a disastrous experience... which would suck because ive been looking forward to this for months. i also need the money and have to last. the only way i want to quit is if for some magical reason my exboyfriend showed up and offerred to stay in bed with me as i recovered. that's the only place in my mind where i feel i have strength. i flushed my adderall once before. for 2 days i couldnt do anything but then it got better.... only this time ive been on it longer and have like NO ONE where i live for support. that thought alone makes me so upset. and the adderall, the adderall numbs that pain and gets me on --- on to hopefully making friends or figuring out how to see my family. i fear that without it, EVERYTHING crumbles and i wont be able to even find support in that case. i know it's rash to just FLUSH IT RIGHT NOW but i feel awful. i need a serious wake up call that's as serious as a face tattoo (if you know what im saying). ive duct tapped my bottle of adderall with impossible amounts of tape, ive hid it from myself, etc. but i always find it. cut the tape open, basically unbury the stuff. while just a little water.... and the beast is done. i feel like im getting crazier and crazier. im an artsy person but now it's a bit confusing and surreal. i wish more than anything that i was a millionaire and could go to some big fancy rehab where they'd protest me from myself. i tell my few friends that i need held down and want nothing more than a rehab enviornment to quit and they think im crazy and exaggerating. im not. im not at all. i have no support. i feel insane. i know - this is a lunatic rant. i just wanna know, should i flush it? even with this crazy work coming up in the next 2 weeks?