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About lilabrooks

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  1. my adderall story

    I'm new here so I decided it would be good to sit down and write out my experience and how I ended up addicted. I took adderall for the first time freshman year of college the night before a big final that I hadn't studied for. I had been offered it before and always declined, but I was in a pinch and my friends were all taking it. I will never forget that rush I felt when it kicked in. I started studying right away and actually enjoying it. I started thinking about a relationship i was in at the time in a totally unrealistic, perfect way that did not reflect the situation. i think it made me stay with him despite the negativity he brought to my life. I could pop a pill and forget anything he did. I think that's what got me hooked. On adderall I could take a horrible situation and convince myself it was great. My brain could come up with elaborate fantasies of real life situations and still pound out hours worth of homework at the same time. I was hooked right away. After that I could not do any big homework assignments without it and even after just taking it a few times I noticed that I couldn't save it up I would take it 4 days in a row just because. This went on for a couple years. Eventually I started taking too much at a time and would spend hundreds on large amounts just to binge for a week straight. I felt myself begin to lie to my friends all the time about how much I'd taken and borrow from them because i couldn't save it up without taking it all. It spiraled from there and after a couple years I managed to get a doctor to prescribe me. The big problems started then. When I have that much available I will take 120-150mg on average throughout the day and at night because I hate not being able to sleep and would rather just stay up and be productive. I run out after a week and have to come up with lie after lie to cover it up. People definitely have noticed. I've managed to keep my relationships in tact, but if I'm cracked I care about nothing else and become totally unreliable. Once the big doses start the fun of adderall stops. I went on a five day binge a year ago during a break up (i think subconsciously to avoid dealing with the pain), but all it did was delay it and make it worse. Instead of dealing with it the normal way you over analyze and say things you wouldn't normally think. I missed 3 days of work and couldn't stop crying when I came down. I have been attempting to quit ever since. The side effects are awful and struggling to stop crushes your self esteem. With so many others around you able to take it without abusing it's so hard not to think you can do the same. I always thought once I wasn't in school I wouldn't need it, but even during the summer I find myself wanting it for everyday tasks. It's a dangerous spiral and if I could take back one thing from college it would be adderall. It robbed me of a normal college experience and made me different in so many ways. I am finally taking more serious steps toward quitting and believe this is it. Right now I'm taking it week by week and tomorrow will be day 1 again. I'm trying to do things differently than the times I've failed and posting on this site is one way I'm hoping to stay focused on quitting for good. I also got rid of my last scripts and that's something I never thought I could do. This is ridiculously long, but feels so good to share my story- helps put it in perspective.
  2. Numb

    You can do it! I've been trying to quit for awhile now and I ripped up my last two scripts and flushed them down the toilet a couple weeks ago. I was on adderall when I did it so at first I couldn't really enjoy it, but the next day I remembered and felt so proud that I took that step. Even though I'm struggling to stay off it feels good to know that I did that all by myself. My next challenge will be not making an appointment to refill, but right now I'm confident that I can handle it. I've realized the reason I always fail at quitting is that I do the same things, but expect different results. I just binge and tell myself that it's my last time so it's ok and that I'll be able to resist next time. It's really hard to remember all the reasons to quit when you have a craving so I think by removing the option of filling the script you're taking a lot of the temptation out of the equation. Good luck!
  3. Hi! This is my first time posting and I'm hoping that getting involved with the forum will help with quitting. I have been using adderall since my freshman year of college (almost four years now) and have gotten to the point where my tolerance is up so high that I can't get that feeling that made me love it in the first place. I'm not a daily user because I can't keep my script longer than a week or so, but I still haven't had luck quitting. It stopped being fun to get cracked out about a year ago and I've been trying to stay off it since then. Every time I decide I'm on my last dose I can go a week or so without it and then I end up relapsing. It's like my brain just forgets all the reasons not to take it and all I can think about is the high which of course barely lasts an hour if at all. I went thirty days while abroad in europe without access to it and that's the only time I've been successful at quitting, but the day I got back I rushed to fill my script and was up for 3 days bingeing on it. While I was off for a longer period of time I was able to stick to a daily routine, get my work done, and I never blew off my friends or family to take adderall. It felt amazing. Adderall no longer makes me productive. I get focused on something dumb or waste tons of time planning instead of doing. I also don't sleep so I essentially have a hangover the day after I take it. I'm a zombie and i know people can tell that I abuse it. I'm wondering if anyone has any advice that worked for you with resisting cravings and not giving into temptation? Every time I take it I tell myself it's the last time and I really want to have an actual last time. PS ripped up my next two scripts and flushed them down the toilet. It felt AWESOME