dangerbean

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About dangerbean

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  1. Close...

    I was planning on calling the doctor in the morning for an adderall script. Why? Why not!?! I'm sure some of us have been where i am--feeling so far behind. For me, right now, it's this weight gain. I have been giving it the harvard try in counting calories, excercising, and while the massive gain seems to have slowed, i'm not losing. I know a month on adderall and I'd be slimming right down. so, tonight, i am feeling really bad about my weight. and the scale isn't helping me. but then i talked it out with a friend. and then i talked it out with my sister. and i realized i haven't given myself enough of a chance. I've really only been on track with calories for a week. On top of that, i had gotten itno some crazy mind set where i just felt like physically there was no way i could do it--that is, even if i only ate well, i woudln't lose the weight. but talking it out with friends, i realized I've been "okay" with calories, but i've still been eatinga lot of christmas candy (it goes hand in hand with decorating and gift wrapping in my house), and i haven't given it the real, true harvard try. So, i changed my mind. I'm goign to keep trying. Even if it's slow, it's better than being back on adderall, because whilei know the adderall would be great, i had friends/family who reminded me of all the things i was saying while i was in withdrawal. to quote my sister, " i'd try not to if i were you just cause quitting it was so hard on you..'
  2. Has anyone tried straterra? I am not looking for an adderall like experience. I am looking to be able to have reading comprehension again. it's a (relatively) small thing in my life, but also is huge. For 20+ years of my life I struggled so hard with reading comprehension. Adderall changed that--like a 180. And even though reading is not a huge part of my life, being able to read on adderall was great and it meant a lot to me. I hate that i have lost that with the adderall. and I don't even mean that need to devour every piece of information that is out there. I mean I would like to be able to read a paragraph out of the New York Times or a novel and be able to explain what I just read without having to stop after every sentence and take notes (okay, that is a very slight exaggeration). But I am one of those people who reads a whole page and then realizes I've been daydreaming. I suffered 20+ years with that. I was not lazy--I read the material. it breaks my heart that i can't retain it.....i had that on adderall and i want that back.
  3. Pharmacophobia

    I had really terrible experiences with birth control (pills and Copper IUD). The copper IUD is what scared me the most. I literally thought about driving my car into a telephone pole every time i was in it while I had a copper IUD. I also experience horrible weight gain, acne, and constant hunger. What's worse is that everyone tells me I'm crazy for this--that there is no way the copper IUD could have caused all of this. yet as soon as it was removed i felt better. the very day it was taken out i felt better. i think the fact that the whole medical/pharmaceutical industry continues to be so dishonest about the side effects of the copper IUD is what makes me scared of pharmaceuticals now. i mean, the warnings with adderall are all (kind of) there. i think we all enjoy it so much at first that we just have a blind spot for seeing the risks. but with the IUD there was just a complete blanket denial that I could be experiencing what i was. the same was true to a lesser degree with the birth control pills--they made me extremely depressed and irritable--the only warning they have is that if you suffer from depression prior to taking them you should be monitored carefully on them. however, doctors at least recognize that if you are progesterone intolerant--as i apparently am--birth control pills will turn you into a raging maniac; basically like having PMS all the time. anyway, it was that bold faced dishonesty while i was suffering that really scares me. it makes me wonder if the drugs have even been adequately tested and/or how transparent the drug companies are with this shit. i'm scared to try new drugs. i want to try straterra for the ADD, but i'm scared shitless.
  4. another bad day...?

    thanks, Cassie--you're 100% right--the grass is always greener. I'd be belly aching about losing my job if I HAD to be accountable. the truth is, i'm probably in a much sweeter position for quitting adderall than most people because i work for myself, but if i lost all my business, it wouldn't be the end of the world. i wouldn't starve or go homeless, or suffer too many financial things. but i want to keep working. i have a life goal that is dependent on finances and i have been working hard for years to meet that goal and I am very close now. it would be heartbreaking not to make that goal because i gave up working. Part of that goal entails me changing my profession and moving. I'm planning on taking an entry level job in a new field that i am probably overqualified for. it will be good, but you're right in that i should probably take it easy while i have that luxury right now--i just don't want all my work to dry up. I just like knowing that i need to go into work 2-3 times a week, but I can choose when those days are and how long that I"m there.....if that makes sense.
  5. So, i've realized that my concentration is generally improving, and overall i'm glad that i'm off adderall. but i think i really have ADD and as much as I hate adderall, it helped me with a lot of things. The thing I'm finding toughest though is that I miss being able to read, understand, and comprehend what I"m reading. The way i am now with reading is exactly how I was before even taking adderall. I will read an entire page--or even just a paragraph--and literally not be able to say what I just read. i hate this....does anyone have any experience with any other ADD meds that help with that sort of thing without the adderall bullshit?
  6. My Addy Story - Help Wanted

    I cannot really answer your questions as I've only been clean for about three months myself--although I did have a period where I quit adderall for over a year--but that was a long time ago. Anyway, I wanted to commend you on being brave and being honest with your family and work. I know that cannot have been easy. I work in a profession where there is a huge stigma attached to dependency, and I wish I had your bravery to be honest with my clients and colleagues about what I am going through. Instead, i am just trying to fudge my way through it. Hang in there though!
  7. another bad day...?

    but at least my kitty just hopped up onto the bed, curled up and started purring. there's nothing like creature comfort.
  8. another bad day...?

    and it's only 7a.m. I'm wondering if I'm really ready for this. on the other hand--I'm not sure there will ever be a better time. I thought working for myself would be a boon in thiis because i'd be able to take things slowly, but now i'm wondering if it would be better for me to be in a position where I had no choice but to go into work monday-friday, 9-5. maybe i'm letting depression overcome me, and wouldn't if i had someone else to be accountable to. it jsut feels like most days are bad. i feeel no motivation, inspiration or drive to do anything. none of this is helped by the fact that i'm getting over a flu. i was hoping to be 100% by now, but i'm still coughing at night to the point where it wakes (and keeps) me up, so i'm not functioning on enough sleep. I was really hoping i could start the work week feeling physically well at least. but feeling sick still just leaves me wanting to stay in bed all that much more. sadly i have at least one appiontment i cannot skip/reschedule. can someone out there please tell me it gets easier at some point...at some point the bad days are outnumbered by good--or just breaking even--days???
  9. feeling like a failure

    This year has been rough on me--even prior to quitting adderall. I think it was rough because it was really the year when it became painfully clear i could no longer rely on "mommies little helpers" to be productive. Well..(i am self employed)...i went through my books, catching up on some stuff today. Financially, this year was horrible for me. I grossed about half of what I did last year, and netted less than I ever have as a full time real world adult job person. I feel like a failure. it's only my second full year owning a business, but I didn't expect to do so much worse. I just took all this time off because i felt anxiety and depression--basically any time i was not pumped up on 3x my normal dose of adderall i woudln't go near work. and this is the result. I guess i just need some support right now. someone to tell me that what i'm doing in becoming sober is more important than the bottom line right now. i'm not about to be homeless or starving (thanks to the fact that i live wiht my parents in order to pay off some debt more aggressively)...but i was hoping to be in a better spot by now. i hate to have to push that goal back further. i want to move on with my life so badly and a couple thousand dollars feel like they may as well be a couple hundred thousand right now. i just want to go for the adderall....burn through for another six months at maximum productivity and sort everything out later once i have some cash in my pocket. on the other hand, maybe it's better to get sober while im in a safety net so to speak.... i just need soem encouragement that this will get easier. i hate my life so much right now. everything is so hard to do. although i dont feel physically exhausted anymore, i just feel clumsy in all respects. thank you all for the support and encouragement.
  10. Scared of relapsing - help!

    i'm only 2.5 months clean and i am having a day like this today. knowing that the adderall is only one quick trip to the doctor's office away is killing me. I can't seem to find motivation to get dressed let alone shower, go into work, and DO work. I just keep fantasizing about that giddy/excited feeling you get from taking adderall when you haven't had it in a while. i know how super productive i would be. but then i remember how that only lasted about a week for me...ever. Even after taking copious amounts of it. Even after stopping for 20+ days. then i just felt strung out.....like a shell of a person. I just keep remembering that shitty horrible feeling of being sooo tired, but completely wired all the time. Staring at my ceiling/computer monitor--whatever, and doing nothing for HOURS except like pick at my scalp. It was sick. I don't want to be that person again. and even if i got one week of feeling high and motivated, it would be followed by several weeks of feeling totally zombified, then several weeks of shitty withdrawal, wishing I could be at the piont where I am now and wondering why i ever went back to it. that's how I keep myself from going for it again. I've considered asking my shrink for an antidepressant though, but I'm not sure. I think perhaps I just need to work through this time...as others have said...2.5 months is nothing.
  11. this is so hard

    thanks guys. i am messing up at work big time....but i work for myself, so i guess i can't get fired....just lose business (not that that is desirable).....i guess reckoning is part of this process. I'm just trying to find the right emotional balance of how much of the reckoning i should feel bad about (i.e. accepting responsibility and learning from mistakes) v how much i should forgive myself for right now. and maybe it's a 100% on both sides of that equation. I just have an anxiety problem and although i've gotten better over the years of managing it, it's always a challenge and i don't really know where i'm going with this post lol..... has anyone tried any anti-depressants post adderall? going into winter.....well...yeah.....
  12. My life has been a series of disappointments.

    Despite saying your story is unlike others, it is not. Specifically, you started with a honeymoon with adderall--followed by it leading you down a path of insecurity and insincerity. Your behavior you describe is addiction. YOu went through a lot of horrible stuff very young, and along came a drug that made life seem like you could understand how the universe worked. All this hope and sense at a time when your life at home--the thing you learned to rely upon as a pillar of your stability--had just fallen apart around you. anyway....you have a tough path ahead of you. if you want to feel better, you've taken a good step in coming here. you see a shrink, maybe you should try being honest with him/her about what you want and how you feel. you've begun to be honest wtih yourself--to make changes you'll need to learn to be honest with others too. expect it to go slow with slip ups along the way. good luck
  13. How did you quit? What kind of treatment?

    One day at a time is the way to go! Sounds like you're taking the first scary steps to take control of your life again. Congrats. please come and post often. I know it brings me strength to share with others.
  14. this is so hard

    thanks for the positive vibes...I'm okay. Some days are better than others. Breaking bad habits and forming new good habits is the biggest challenge--that and my nasty procrastination bug. I also discovered it's probably best if i stay away from drinking alcohol since apparenlty one day of hangover laziness will bleed into an entire weekend of it (skipped workouts, delaying chores/projects, eating everything in sights), and even into a monday morning. It's so easy for me to slip into bad patterns of behavior right now. Even getting into my car and driving to run errands feels like a monumental task. Even thinking about doing the things i want to do and need to do feels exhausting. is this depression?
  15. dental health & adderall

    I just got back from six month cleaning/1 year xrays. Every time--without fail--i have a ton of dental work that needs to be done. This time--four cavities and root canal/crown. In a YEAR. Does adderall have a negative impact on dental health? I'm certain it does--we all know about "meth mouth" I don't see any reason to expect adderall to be different. My bigger question is whether my dental health will improve now that I have quit? In the past four years I've spent $10,000.00 on my teeth easily. A rootcanal/crown is going to be about $1,500....plus another handful of fillings....I really hope my teeth improve. any one w/ experience with this, i'd love to hear your stories!