dangerbean

I was planning on calling the doctor in the morning for an adderall script. Why? Why not!?! I'm sure some of us have been where i am--feeling so far behind. For me, right now, it's this weight gain. I have been giving it the harvard try in counting calories, excercising, and while the massive gain seems to have slowed, i'm not losing. I know a month on adderall and I'd be slimming right down. so, tonight, i am feeling really bad about my weight. and the scale isn't helping me. but then i talked it out with a friend. and then i talked it out with my sister. and i realized i haven't given myself enough of a chance. I've really only been on track with calories for a week. On top of that, i had gotten itno some crazy mind set where i just felt like physically there was no way i could do it--that is, even if i only ate well, i woudln't lose the weight. but talking it out with friends, i realized I've been "okay" with calories, but i've still been eatinga lot of christmas candy (it goes hand in hand with decorating and gift wrapping in my house), and i haven't given it the real, true harvard try. So, i changed my mind. I'm goign to keep trying. Even if it's slow, it's better than being back on adderall, because whilei know the adderall would be great, i had friends/family who reminded me of all the things i was saying while i was in withdrawal. to quote my sister, " i'd try not to if i were you just cause quitting it was so hard on you..'

Has anyone tried straterra? I am not looking for an adderall like experience. I am looking to be able to have reading comprehension again. it's a (relatively) small thing in my life, but also is huge. For 20+ years of my life I struggled so hard with reading comprehension. Adderall changed that--like a 180. And even though reading is not a huge part of my life, being able to read on adderall was great and it meant a lot to me. I hate that i have lost that with the adderall. and I don't even mean that need to devour every piece of information that is out there. I mean I would like to be able to read a paragraph out of the New York Times or a novel and be able to explain what I just read without having to stop after every sentence and take notes (okay, that is a very slight exaggeration). But I am one of those people who reads a whole page and then realizes I've been daydreaming. I suffered 20+ years with that. I was not lazy--I read the material. it breaks my heart that i can't retain it.....i had that on adderall and i want that back.

I had really terrible experiences with birth control (pills and Copper IUD). The copper IUD is what scared me the most. I literally thought about driving my car into a telephone pole every time i was in it while I had a copper IUD. I also experience horrible weight gain, acne, and constant hunger. What's worse is that everyone tells me I'm crazy for this--that there is no way the copper IUD could have caused all of this. yet as soon as it was removed i felt better. the very day it was taken out i felt better. i think the fact that the whole medical/pharmaceutical industry continues to be so dishonest about the side effects of the copper IUD is what makes me scared of pharmaceuticals now. i mean, the warnings with adderall are all (kind of) there. i think we all enjoy it so much at first that we just have a blind spot for seeing the risks. but with the IUD there was just a complete blanket denial that I could be experiencing what i was. the same was true to a lesser degree with the birth control pills--they made me extremely depressed and irritable--the only warning they have is that if you suffer from depression prior to taking them you should be monitored carefully on them. however, doctors at least recognize that if you are progesterone intolerant--as i apparently am--birth control pills will turn you into a raging maniac; basically like having PMS all the time. anyway, it was that bold faced dishonesty while i was suffering that really scares me. it makes me wonder if the drugs have even been adequately tested and/or how transparent the drug companies are with this shit. i'm scared to try new drugs. i want to try straterra for the ADD, but i'm scared shitless.

thanks, Cassie--you're 100% right--the grass is always greener. I'd be belly aching about losing my job if I HAD to be accountable. the truth is, i'm probably in a much sweeter position for quitting adderall than most people because i work for myself, but if i lost all my business, it wouldn't be the end of the world. i wouldn't starve or go homeless, or suffer too many financial things. but i want to keep working. i have a life goal that is dependent on finances and i have been working hard for years to meet that goal and I am very close now. it would be heartbreaking not to make that goal because i gave up working. Part of that goal entails me changing my profession and moving. I'm planning on taking an entry level job in a new field that i am probably overqualified for. it will be good, but you're right in that i should probably take it easy while i have that luxury right now--i just don't want all my work to dry up. I just like knowing that i need to go into work 2-3 times a week, but I can choose when those days are and how long that I"m there.....if that makes sense.

So, i've realized that my concentration is generally improving, and overall i'm glad that i'm off adderall. but i think i really have ADD and as much as I hate adderall, it helped me with a lot of things. The thing I'm finding toughest though is that I miss being able to read, understand, and comprehend what I"m reading. The way i am now with reading is exactly how I was before even taking adderall. I will read an entire page--or even just a paragraph--and literally not be able to say what I just read. i hate this....does anyone have any experience with any other ADD meds that help with that sort of thing without the adderall bullshit?

I cannot really answer your questions as I've only been clean for about three months myself--although I did have a period where I quit adderall for over a year--but that was a long time ago. Anyway, I wanted to commend you on being brave and being honest with your family and work. I know that cannot have been easy. I work in a profession where there is a huge stigma attached to dependency, and I wish I had your bravery to be honest with my clients and colleagues about what I am going through. Instead, i am just trying to fudge my way through it. Hang in there though!

but at least my kitty just hopped up onto the bed, curled up and started purring. there's nothing like creature comfort.

and it's only 7a.m. I'm wondering if I'm really ready for this. on the other hand--I'm not sure there will ever be a better time. I thought working for myself would be a boon in thiis because i'd be able to take things slowly, but now i'm wondering if it would be better for me to be in a position where I had no choice but to go into work monday-friday, 9-5. maybe i'm letting depression overcome me, and wouldn't if i had someone else to be accountable to. it jsut feels like most days are bad. i feeel no motivation, inspiration or drive to do anything. none of this is helped by the fact that i'm getting over a flu. i was hoping to be 100% by now, but i'm still coughing at night to the point where it wakes (and keeps) me up, so i'm not functioning on enough sleep. I was really hoping i could start the work week feeling physically well at least. but feeling sick still just leaves me wanting to stay in bed all that much more. sadly i have at least one appiontment i cannot skip/reschedule. can someone out there please tell me it gets easier at some point...at some point the bad days are outnumbered by good--or just breaking even--days???

This year has been rough on me--even prior to quitting adderall. I think it was rough because it was really the year when it became painfully clear i could no longer rely on "mommies little helpers" to be productive. Well..(i am self employed)...i went through my books, catching up on some stuff today. Financially, this year was horrible for me. I grossed about half of what I did last year, and netted less than I ever have as a full time real world adult job person. I feel like a failure. it's only my second full year owning a business, but I didn't expect to do so much worse. I just took all this time off because i felt anxiety and depression--basically any time i was not pumped up on 3x my normal dose of adderall i woudln't go near work. and this is the result. I guess i just need some support right now. someone to tell me that what i'm doing in becoming sober is more important than the bottom line right now. i'm not about to be homeless or starving (thanks to the fact that i live wiht my parents in order to pay off some debt more aggressively)...but i was hoping to be in a better spot by now. i hate to have to push that goal back further. i want to move on with my life so badly and a couple thousand dollars feel like they may as well be a couple hundred thousand right now. i just want to go for the adderall....burn through for another six months at maximum productivity and sort everything out later once i have some cash in my pocket. on the other hand, maybe it's better to get sober while im in a safety net so to speak.... i just need soem encouragement that this will get easier. i hate my life so much right now. everything is so hard to do. although i dont feel physically exhausted anymore, i just feel clumsy in all respects. thank you all for the support and encouragement.

i'm only 2.5 months clean and i am having a day like this today. knowing that the adderall is only one quick trip to the doctor's office away is killing me. I can't seem to find motivation to get dressed let alone shower, go into work, and DO work. I just keep fantasizing about that giddy/excited feeling you get from taking adderall when you haven't had it in a while. i know how super productive i would be. but then i remember how that only lasted about a week for me...ever. Even after taking copious amounts of it. Even after stopping for 20+ days. then i just felt strung out.....like a shell of a person. I just keep remembering that shitty horrible feeling of being sooo tired, but completely wired all the time. Staring at my ceiling/computer monitor--whatever, and doing nothing for HOURS except like pick at my scalp. It was sick. I don't want to be that person again. and even if i got one week of feeling high and motivated, it would be followed by several weeks of feeling totally zombified, then several weeks of shitty withdrawal, wishing I could be at the piont where I am now and wondering why i ever went back to it. that's how I keep myself from going for it again. I've considered asking my shrink for an antidepressant though, but I'm not sure. I think perhaps I just need to work through this time...as others have said...2.5 months is nothing.

thanks guys. i am messing up at work big time....but i work for myself, so i guess i can't get fired....just lose business (not that that is desirable).....i guess reckoning is part of this process. I'm just trying to find the right emotional balance of how much of the reckoning i should feel bad about (i.e. accepting responsibility and learning from mistakes) v how much i should forgive myself for right now. and maybe it's a 100% on both sides of that equation. I just have an anxiety problem and although i've gotten better over the years of managing it, it's always a challenge and i don't really know where i'm going with this post lol..... has anyone tried any anti-depressants post adderall? going into winter.....well...yeah.....

Despite saying your story is unlike others, it is not. Specifically, you started with a honeymoon with adderall--followed by it leading you down a path of insecurity and insincerity. Your behavior you describe is addiction. YOu went through a lot of horrible stuff very young, and along came a drug that made life seem like you could understand how the universe worked. All this hope and sense at a time when your life at home--the thing you learned to rely upon as a pillar of your stability--had just fallen apart around you. anyway....you have a tough path ahead of you. if you want to feel better, you've taken a good step in coming here. you see a shrink, maybe you should try being honest with him/her about what you want and how you feel. you've begun to be honest wtih yourself--to make changes you'll need to learn to be honest with others too. expect it to go slow with slip ups along the way. good luck

One day at a time is the way to go! Sounds like you're taking the first scary steps to take control of your life again. Congrats. please come and post often. I know it brings me strength to share with others.

thanks for the positive vibes...I'm okay. Some days are better than others. Breaking bad habits and forming new good habits is the biggest challenge--that and my nasty procrastination bug. I also discovered it's probably best if i stay away from drinking alcohol since apparenlty one day of hangover laziness will bleed into an entire weekend of it (skipped workouts, delaying chores/projects, eating everything in sights), and even into a monday morning. It's so easy for me to slip into bad patterns of behavior right now. Even getting into my car and driving to run errands feels like a monumental task. Even thinking about doing the things i want to do and need to do feels exhausting. is this depression?

I just got back from six month cleaning/1 year xrays. Every time--without fail--i have a ton of dental work that needs to be done. This time--four cavities and root canal/crown. In a YEAR. Does adderall have a negative impact on dental health? I'm certain it does--we all know about "meth mouth" I don't see any reason to expect adderall to be different. My bigger question is whether my dental health will improve now that I have quit? In the past four years I've spent $10,000.00 on my teeth easily. A rootcanal/crown is going to be about $1,500....plus another handful of fillings....I really hope my teeth improve. any one w/ experience with this, i'd love to hear your stories!

Hi--i haven't been sober for very long. I work with a lot of addicts as part of my employment and i think there may not be detox/rehab centers for adderall because there are not the same dangers associated with quitting adderall as their are for quitting other drugs. For example, quitting benzos or alcohol cold turkey can cause serious problems, including psychosis, seizures and death. There's a very real possibility withdrawal from those drugs can literally kill you. anyway, as far as your questions go-- 1. i have been seeing a counselor for three years now. when i realized adderall was fucking me up, i told her i wanted to quit. i explained why and we talked it out. only spent like three sessions on that, but she doesn't even really know i quit. Beyond that, i have educated myself about how adderall works, what withdrawal is like and why, reading articles on sites like this. i have also made lists about why i want to quit and stay sober. I come to these forums, read and post frequently. i talk to understanding friends. I exercise and focus on putting healthy foods in my body (as well as lots of comfort foods). i give myself TONS of time to sleep. I also listen to anti-anxiety/depression/procrastination sleep hypnosis at night (on youtube a woman named jody whitely--strongly suggest this to everyone!).... okay, and finally--something that people may seriously disagree with, and also something i realize not everyone has access to: I took opiates at nighttime for the first 10 days without adderall. That saved me from cold sweats, vivid dreams/nightmares, and general body aches and pains associated with cold turkey withdrawal. they also just helped me relax and be comfortable and get more rest on those days of lethargy and misery. I know opiate addiction is not something I have to worry about--they just softened the blow for me during those first shitty days. that may not be everyone's case. 2. see my answer above 3. i was (and am) addicted to adderall. when i would get a new prescription, it was like christmas. I would sing a little song about dopamine i made up in my car. I'd put off work projects until it was new prescription day. i'd take copious amounts of adderall until I burned through my scripts early. when i spoke with my doctor who prescribed adderall to me about wantign to quit, hoping to get some help wtih tailoring my doses and wean off of it, he told me he thought i was tryign to self-sabotage and essentially laughed at me. Perhaps you should have an honest conversation with your doctor and explain that you do not want to take the adderall and you feel like it functions more as an anti-depressant for you than anything else. Perhaps he could prescribe something else for your depression/eating disorder? It sounds like your'e using adderall to enable an eating disorder/treat depression. this is really a terrible idea because the adderall will eventually stop working and leave you worse off than where you were before it. i suspect you need to address your eating disorder/depression first. you will feel hungry after qu9tting adderall. you need to learn to see hunger as a healthy thing. as a final note--200mg of adderall is a hgue dose. i'd find a new doctor who recognizes that dose is about 4x the maximum amount most doctor's would prescribe for anyone. the permanent changes to brain chemistry take place at doses that high. anyway, i'm not tryign to scare you, but i'm really worried about you and i'm afraid your doctor is not. i think you could start this process by at least finding a doctor who recognizes that your daily dose is much higher than any snae doctor would ever prescribe and help you get back to a dose that is at least a healthy one....whether that maeans lowering your dose and prescribing you an anti-depressant or some other kind of appetite suppressant (there's at least one weight loss drug that was prescription but is over the counter now. the way it works, i think is kind of disgusting. if you eat fats, it gives you the shitrs or something....i don't know, but there are some appetite suppressants/treatments which are not stimulant you could ask to be prescribed WHILE YOU SOBER UP. but any doctor that prescribes youa dose that high, does not have your well-being in mind. please be good to yourself. much love.

wow...this post really resonated with me. I had a boyfriend prior to adderall, but he was killed in a car accident. I went into deep depression. less than a year later is when i got on adderall. I've had boyfriends since then, and felt thngs for them, but deep down--i've admitted to myself that they have never been right or normal. i think it's me though. i think i'm afraid of getting too close because it hurt so bad to lose it. so even though it's somethng i crave, i only let myself wade into those waters, clinging to a life jacket. as far as adderall v sober--sober feels better, like at least i have a CHANCE of connecting now. but i'm scared because i hardly recognize myself now, and how can i know the person i want to be with if i don't even know myself? I also feel low self esteem--overweight, struggling to do the thing that has defined me for the better part of ten years. i've neglected my friendships so badly that i bet my friends think of me more as an acquaintance now (it doesn't help that they are all now mostly married and popping out babies and i'm single.....)....anyway....just one foot in front of the other. as others have said, you sound like an intelligent, thoughtful person--i cannot believe you'll walk this world alone. focus on you for a while.

boy this whole process is a huge roller coaster from me. going from deathly terrified to super excited about rediscovering things... anyway, thought i'd mention a positive observation i made today for the first time in more years than i can remember, i don't have bags under my eyes!!!

Thanks! this definitely all makes sense. I suppose it's only natural to feel grief now....finally seeing the destruction adderall made out of my life. There was always a little voice rationalizing my adderall use because it was prescribed and it's legal--despite knowing i was abusing it. I guess it's scary also because there's no "plan b" now. it's just me. there is no saving projects for a new script day. everything is up to me. i wish i could love my job. i wish i could remember what i loved before adderall hijacked my ability to feel passionate about anything on my own. on the other hand, i'm discovering new things I enjoy that I had never done before--like working with plants and gardening, and (ironically) organizing the space I live in, aesthetically and pragmatically. I'm slowly becoming more social with my family and friends. I'm realizing how desperately lonely I am--that is scary, but at least that is one clue of the changes I need to make to be happy. No more lone wolf life for me.

Has anyone else experienced this? I've always had some level of significant anxiety in my life (prior to adderall, too). in fact, i was always concerned because I felt that the adderall rush would and often did heighten my anxiety, but then the anxiety quickly dissipated. Now though, i feel the same anxiety as I did on adderall, but it doesn't go away. i was really hoping that getting clean would lessen my anxiety. My prescribing doctor even thought that the adderall may have been aggravating my anxiety. So why is it still here after i stopped the adderall? maybe it's because i'm coming face to face with the reality that I am not okay with where I am in life for the first time in over ten years? i do not like my chosen profession. i do not like where I live. i always knew that on adderall, but I also sort of saw adderall as the ticket out--if i just worked a bit harder, my finances would improve and i could start living my life. adderall was a quick way to work harder, longer. but it abandoned me--at some time in the last year it became more of a liability than an asset... so here i am...miserable in a career that i feel totally uninspired by. living in an isolated area, far from friends, and feeling entirely trapped by student loan debt. i often wonder if i would have been able (or even would have wanted) to complete law school (and encumber myself with huge debt) without adderall.... i suppose there's nothing productive about fantasizing about undoing the past, but how do i move forward? i feel like i damned myself, and like adderall was a false savior, and now i have nothing....i feel lik ei'm just looking around at my broken life for the first time. this is not who i ever envisioned myself being. some people might say i've accomplished a lot...but i am alone and when you hate the one thing that defines you, then what does it matter if other people think it's admirable or praise worthy? i just want to run away and start over...

I know there was a thread somewhere about what was your favorite thing about quitting adderall. when i was on forums earlier this week, i didn't feel like I could answer that. But, today has been an awesome sober day for me, and I was looking to post in that thread and couldn't find it. But my favorite thing about quitting adderall is something that i know will add years to my life and immense quality too, plus saved money, so maybe it can have it's own spot anyway. okay, here it is....favorite thing about quitting adderall!!!!! I quit smoking cigarettes at the same time!!!! On adderall, I smoked a pack and a half a fucking day! Since I stopped taking adderall? No desire to smoke a cigarette whatsoever! So I'm not only 30+ days adderall clean, but 30+ days nicotine clean!!! that translates to over $400 in savings to me too!!! okay...as someone who smoked a whole lot before, i will try to refrain from going on and on about the evils of smoking cigarettes and the benefits of quitting because i HATED smoke-shamers. so, i'm sorry if anyone still likes their smokes and does not like being smoker-shamed. I'm not trying to sound that way. I just am really excited that something as hard as giving up adderall has made giving up cigarettes so easy for me, and the benefits of giving up cigarettes are so many and so great that it feels good to think about. it is another reason i'm happy i quit adderall. i also don't have to lie to my boyfriend about smoking anymore...and i don't have to sneak around my niece to have a cigarette either. huzzah!

this is tough for me too. i put on 22lbs and am only about 30 days sober. but you know what? about a week ago, i noticed a huge natural energy spike. I'm working out 2x more frequently than i did on adderall, and i've lost 4lbs of those 22 i put on. I just need to put my eating back into check and i'm doing that by gradually cutting out the bad stuff...a little at a time. of coursse, for me, my tolerance of adderall had gotten so terrible it barely impacted my appetite anyway. i thnk i ate a lot more after quitting because of the comforting effect eating junk food can have on a person not because i was hungry for the first time in years. also remember your hair, nails, skin, teeth will be healthier after quitting adderall. i always had super dry mouth on addies (plus an irresistible urge to smoke cigarettes--i can kiss my boyfriend as deeply as i want to now without worrying that my mouth is dry and stinky! on addies, although i was thinnner, i just felt like my body was shriveling up...aging away. or...as Bilbo said, i felt like too little butter scraped across toast!

i was up to 4mg xanax at bedtime. had been on it for a year. i think my body sort of started telling me to stop taking it. sometimes i'd wake up gasping for air (it was causing me to develop sleep apnea). If you do decide to stop xanax, just please read the entire Ashton Manual first as knowing/recognizing the withdrawal symptoms and realizing that they are a sign yoru body is healing will make it a lot less terrifying. If you don't experience anything with withdrawing from xanax, then consider yourself lucky and stay away from it (imo)! in any event--i'm not tryng to sound know-it-allish...i just went through such terrible hell with xanax. like you mention the xanax felt just kind of convenient to help deal with some left over adderall stuff. that made it easy for me to toss my left over xanies without any desire to go back, but the physical withdrawal was still a terrifying and horrific experience. So...i guess i am just trying to share my experiences in hopes that it might make things easier for the next person because I did it all alone (with the ashton manual, juice and tv!). but...i suspect you will know when you are ready to quit....xanax/addies or both. you'll get there. i sort of was in your position for about six months. burning through my adderall scripts really fast, facing like 10-15 days of withdrawal a month. then one month it was really bad. i took all my adderalls in like 7 days time. i got pretty okay with sleep, normal functioning before my refill, but i figured starting my new adderall script would be like a new honeymoon period with it (having been off of it for more than 20 days at that point i thought it'd be like that first dose again). I was sorely disappointed. i burned through my next script just as fast with almost no noticable benefits from the adderall. That's when i decided I was done. You will know when the time is right. what i can say that might help you, is that i found that after about six months of burning through my scripts early, the immediate withdrawal seemed to get easier each time around. I'm not sure if it's because i knew what to expect and how to make myself more comfortable, but it helped a bunch. when the time's right, you'll know it, and you'll be prepared and ready to kick ass at it because you've got the information and some experience (whether you wanted it then or not). Kudos to you for reaching out and educating yourself about everything--even when it wasn't the right time to quit. i agree there's no "convenient" time to get sober, and no better time than the present, but you have to want it. you'll know when you do. best of luck!! /hugs

i'm sorry if i'm sort of off topic, i just feel really strongly about benzos (xanax in particular) because it began to ruin my life emotionally and physically a lot faster than adderall, adn i think that in the US the FDA has been really terrible by not banning these drugs. they are horrific to quit....like nothing i have ever experienced before, and I just feel really strongly that people who are putting those drugs into their bodies should have all the information available to them about how the drug works and what it does to you. it quite literally stamps down your senses...when you quit it, you hear things you ordinarily cannot, things look sharper...things taste different....you also hallucinate and have the most horrific expereinces dreaming/sleeping imaginable while your body starts to catch up on lost REM and slow wave sleep. all in all--getting off xanies--was an experience that was awesome in the best and worst ways imaginable. i still remember coming into work, pressing my ear to the floor and listening to cars driving towards my building, the raods making these crazy sounds I never heard before. I literally lost my mind for a while. anyway....digressing....i know this is not a quit xanax site, but a quit adderall one, but i don't think it's uncommon for people to have a script for both becuase it helps having a xanax at night if you want to turn off your adderall addled brain, so i'm throwing this information out there for anyone who may find it useful. especially, again....the ashton manual: http://www.benzo.org.uk/manual/ maybe we should make a similar manual for quitting adderall. i know the ashton manual saved me when i quit benzos...

Brandy--you're taking a pretty nasty mix of drugs. Have you considered getting off the xanax before the adderall? I quit xanies about a year and a half before adderall. I ask this because xanax, as i understand it, prevents you from entering into slow wave sleep--the restorative sleep cycle. If your body isn't really getting rest because of the xanax, then quitting will be impossible/miserable. Please do not try to quit xanax with out talking to a doctor though-- Xanies are physically a lot more dangerous to quit than adderall (can cause psychosis, death, etc. if you stop cold turkey) as an iside, the xanax to sleep, adderall to wake is a really nasty and horrific cycle that some of us find ourselves in. for me, the adderall is mentally more difficult for me to cope with losing, but the physical withdrawal from xanax was fucking terrifying....like nothing I have ever experienced before....and hope never too.... if anyone readign this is on the xanax/adderall coaster, here's some good reading about benzos: http://www.benzo.org.uk/manual/ --i think the benzos (xanax being a really strong benzo) might be the priority to cut out of your life first because they likely screw your body up more...i guess the adderall was kind of a life saver getting off benzos, but i couldn't imaging trying to quit adderall while on benzos.