Emily GettingFree

I'm three weeks into the semester (first academic semester off Adderall in years) and I'm drowning in work that keeps piling up. It takes me 45 minutes to just sit still and read an article that used to take me 20 minutes to finish. This is fucking hard. I'm feeling so discouraged.

Got the day started with a strong cup of coffee and a run instead. And went to bed last night at a reasonable hour, feeling human. One day at a time!

Rahul, I'm right there with you now! Congratulations on making it through the first month. That is really an incredible accomplishment, from my vantage point, and you should feel really great about that. It's hard! I think that at this point, you start to lose the immediate memory of the really awful parts of Adderall - sleepless nights, achy Adderall-hangover body, zombie-brain, inability to feel human or express honest emotions, etc. - and it's easy to romanticize the positive (although short-term) aspects of the drug. Just know that you're not going through it alone, and that it is worth it. YOU GOT THIS!

I'm starting classes and teaching again on Monday, and I'm feeling a little anxious about the workload, specifically how I will rise to the challenge this year without the meds. I'm also now past the date where I could refill my prescription - yes, this means I made it almost a full month! - and I need to call my doctor to tell him I'm not going to take it anymore. This feels like a hard step, and I haven't taken it yet. On the other hand, I haven't stumbled yet: I'm still 100% Adderall-free since July 31. I guess I could use a bit of encouragement right now, and maybe some reminders of why I'm doing this in the first place. I feel healthier, but the anxiety around work is coming back and I'm not sure what to do with it.

Day 3. Yesterday we bought a bike rack for the car and took the new bikes for a long ride through the local state park. It felt incredible to feel so alive. Woke up a little sluggish again today, but after some strong coffee and a strong pep talk, I'm getting some work done. It's a little harder to get started, but I know that when I'm done working, I can just get up and walk away (feeling sane, and without wondering how it got to be 10 p.m. already).

Thanks, guys! It really helps to have your encouragement! Day 2 feels a little easier than I thought it would, and psychologically I'm still flying high from my decision. I remembered how hard it can be to deal with sluggish-ness as others do - simply slogging through or going for a run rather than popping a pill - but am also riding the "I hate Adderall" wave for all I'm worth. Today I'm actually feeling a strange sort of grief for the time I've lost while on it, and feeling very spiteful and angry toward the drug. Gotta own that myself, though...

After struggling with Adderall addiction for three years of grad school, I am finally ready to kick that shit to the curb. Today I told my boyfriend how bad things had gotten and that I wanted to quit, and together we flushed the rest of my meds down the toilet. I won't lose another year of my life to this lifelessness. This is one of the most terrifying, exhilarating, empowering and freeing things I have ever done. I already feel a weight lifting off of me. I want to get healthy. I want to get strong. I want to stop paying money to the pharmaceutical companies every month. And I want to feel my full life again, expanding out beyond me in every direction. Adderall, I finally realized, cuts off that expanse. It has pressed my life inward, compacting it more tightly over time until I have felt like nothing more than a lab rat running circles in an impossibly small, windowless box. But I can choose something different. This is my first post here. I've been checking out this website and others' posts for awhile, but today I finally decided to create an account and post about my decision to quit. Thanks to all here for helping me to do that for myself.