Edie

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About Edie

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  1. I have tried on my own and I realize I am unable to kick my addictive behaviors and need help. With help from my counselor, accepting the help in my area, I will enter rehab for 28 days Thursday. I am excited to focus on me for the very first time in my life and learn the tools to cope with hardships rather than pop a pill, smoke, or knock the bottle back. I admit defeat, the drugs, my compulsive thoughts, and denial/anger won the last several years. However, for me, my girls, my career, and my husband (if it is meant to be) I choose health, prayer, sleep, exercise, and healthy tools to be in my heart, mind, and hands soon! I will miss my girls, but they want a happy Mommy that is rested and focused on them! Wish me luck...peace out
  2. I have been detoxing from adderall, not in high doses, but in doses that affect me enough to question my ADD label. My husband takes 30 mg daily and drinks, smokes pot and I am trying to find a clearer pathway to live life. How does that work with a mortgage, 2 kids, debt, and bills keep coming in and for the last two years I have been the breadwinner?? He is back to work as of last month, but the hardship to me has just begun to get out of the financial dark cloud we are under. I want to live a life, like I used to, free of substances, but I live with Mr Temptation....any advice?
  3. Adderall --> Alcohol? Escapism?

    It's just exchanging one addiction for the other and alcohol is socially accepted, makes you numb, but the hangover is crappy. Are you seeing a counselor? What about AA as an option to help deal with the cravings to drink.? So yes, I have struggled with one or both. I am still struggling, but I do believe it is possible to live a life without a drink or drug to lean on to give me a sense of self. I just have to learn about myself and why I make these choices so that I can break the cycle of addiction period...it's the cycle that drives me nuts. I can become addicted to a piece of clothing that makes me feel a certain way or a bag of chips that I can't resist. I need to re-boot my brain and that takes time. I love that I found this site and that I am not alone in battle over adderall, the most manipulative substance I have ever encountered. Hope you continue to post updates....
  4. Something needs to change. today.

    The thing you have going for you right now is youth. Take it from an old fart like me, you don't want your addictions (adderall, nicotine) to follow you as you get older and they will, trust me on that. I know your education is very important and your music program is probably competitive and you have to be in that mindset. However, all the posts I have come accross on this site that talk about creativity everyone has the same message...it killed their ability to draw, write, play/write music,,,etc.. What will keep you from taking another 300 mg again? Nothing, since you have already done it and survived...right? Most addicts have to hit a bottom before they can really see that they will either die or seriously compromise their health before they stop for good. Maybe you can avoid the rock bottom by reducing your classes this fall or take a semester off to get counseling, go to NA, write music to get in touch with that creativity you obviously have. I am just an old fart with addictions and behaviors I have etiher ignored or moved past them so far in my life. However, I have yet to seriously commit to a program of recovery (I need to get back into AA/NA--like now) and relinquish control of my life and have faith that there is another way to live fully without chemicals I have been diagnosed with clinical depression, ADD, post partum depression, insomnia, migraines, and anxiety in the last 10 years, not all at once, but they are adding up. I know what needs to be done, but for some reason I have this distorted view of myself, that I am not worthy of a happy life that does not have drugs and alcohol in it. All it is is fear and a messed up childhood that fostered these beliefs. I am married with two children and I am an RN. I have the opportunity to live a great life, have a long lasting career, and to watch my girls grow up. Yet, the damn pills, low self worth, fear, anger, depression win most of the time and I let it happen because dulling the pain is my habit, my crutch, my addicted brain. School, a career, can wait...but life goes right on moving and flies by. You deserve to be successful and happy and not look back and regret wasting time. Good luck to you...post updates
  5. Are you seeing a counselor? Support groups like AA/NA have been helpful to me to make sure I don't escalate and get out of control. I hate that you have your screen name as"I hate myself" because if you are on this site reaching out, you do care about yourself and your future, but I know the guilt and shame in regards to addiction is powerful. How did adderall come into your life? If you have a good income and want to keep working (with this crappy economy) see if you can take a FMLA leave or a vacation to detox, sleep, and get healthy again to keep working to have a fullfiling retirement down the road. Just a thought. I am in the same boat, I want to take time for myself away from work to fully focus on this addiction and get my priorities straight because I don't want to be a sleepy out of it mom for my girls. I'm going to try to take a few days for myself to go to the beach or the mountains with no drugs or alcohol coming with me or in my reach, just me, my pillow, and some books to read. I hope I can make it happen asap. If you have the time built up at work and the money to put towards YOU, you should. Retirement won't matter if you are high for it and ruin your happiness and health as you get older...right?? Best of luck to you and welcome..
  6. Over 30 Days And Counting

    I guess I need to get moving...I will be 40 next year and I don't want to feel any effects of adderall addiction by then. I like thinking about turning 40 and having it be better than my 30's, 20's...I am feeling a bit inspired to be more proactive and tackle my demons...Thanks all
  7. Have you though about changing to a different antidepressant? I was on lexapro for about a year and then POOF, it stopped working and the black cloud was hanging over me again....Just a thought. I am on Cymbalta and getting ready to up my dose next month again because my depression is so sneaky, it takes over so quickly. "Semi-functional"...I hear ya, but don't we deserve better than that??? I feel at times that I am doomed to be depressed my whole life, but I want to get out of that mindset and enjoy the time I have now....it's just so hard to get up everyday and make that choice...am I right?
  8. Are you on an antidepressant now? Is a doctor following you during this process, one that knows about your experience with adderall?
  9. Damn pills are stronger than me...

    Unod1a- I know that is what needs to occur...I just feel so down and alone most of the time...I need to pull myself up, but how? I really am keeping this very simple in my head..I have no idea what I am doing.. Thanks for your advice and I have read some of your posts and I am glad you don't crave the pills..I know the cravings are so strong and starts up the obsessive thinking that leads to taking that one pill that sends you back to a living hell. I guess I like suffering...wtf?
  10. I relapsed this week on 20 IR's. I am so overwhelmed with emotions right now ranging from sadness to wanting to laugh out loud at myself for being so weak and lacking in healthy coping mechanisms. I am awake, acutely aware of my faults, and scared....this is painful.
  11. Strattera?

    My husband took it for a long time and then needed to switch to the stimulant medications. He did well on it for a couple of years. I'm a nurse so I have access to drug books and I did some research on it, it is worth looking into. You still have to titrate the dosage with your doctor and look for side effects, but it is used for depression and the "go to" med for ADD in patient's with issues with addictive behavior. Let me know what else you find out about it. Glad to hear you tried yoga! Before I had my kids I was a yoga freak. I need to get back into it again as well. The mind body disconnect that comes with addiction is so powerful, but yoga can help the reconnecting process like no other form of exercise out there. Namaste!!
  12. Please help. In need of advice.

    I posted my story just recently in "tell your story" in the forums....feel free to read it...it is very long since I mainly discuss how much my addictive mind affects my husband and our marriage. However, over the course of a very long friendship, then courtship, and going on 10 years of marriage he is still the one I trust and want to be with. He is not the problem...I am...he didn't sign up for this and I feel much shame and guilt for the pain I have caused him. I let a lapse in judgement a few years ago when I took that tiny orange pill on a weekend I was off from work to party with my hubby late night...turn into years of craving that rush, that sense of empowerment that adderall and drugs like it will supply you with in plenty...at first. I am sorry you are going through this and wanted to let you know that you are not alone..and neither is she.
  13. Adderall has intensified pain.

    How are you doing Kathleen? Take it from an old fart like me with ex's....they are ex's for a reason.... A true loving relationship makes you want to be your best. Now, that being said, people change and experience life in all its possibilities and pain differently. So your best may not be the best all the time and that is ok. I met my husband in high school (just friends) and we married ten years later after almost marrying other people. People love our story because it sounds like a fairy tale...We have had a hard time, kids, house, cars, job loss, fights, etc....,but what has always remained is that we are friends. Sometimes the love isn't there, but it's the" like", respect, and giving that person space to grow and learn that gets you through. You say you wanted to end things smoothly with your ex ("ex tool")...I am not sure that you will get that ending. I think it ended long ago, but you are holding on to what you had together...(please correct me if I am wrong). Maybe you have never been on your own, without a man...even for a short time???? I always thought that if I met the right man and had a family, that I would be happy. NOPE, I never healed the inner pain I had pushed aside and it almost ruined me. I was able to hide the pain for many years, until it caught up with me. Take time to get to know who you are, yes it is scary to face the bad things, but aren't the bad things easier to believe at times?? I think so. We have all landed on adderall's door step for some reason, trauma that we have not dealt with is what I believe. My advice to you is to loose the ex's info, get away from him in cyberspace, and spend time on you. I say this (well, type this) with kindness...don't make the mistake I did and try to figure out who you are when you are married and raising kids....OMG the guilt is painful, so painful. I wake up every day and choose to love my husband, my girls, my family, job....I can spend all damn day in negative city....I choose not to and that makes the addiction feel further and further away... Your posts moved me, so I wanted to respond, and I hope I am not being to preachy, but I am concerned about you.
  14. Share your Story with College Students

    DON"T USE ADDERALL...done!
  15. I made the first step. I will not get a refill. I went to 2 AA meetings today instead of the pharmacy and it was cathartic for me to let go and feel safe surrounded by people that won't judge me. I am going to a NA meeting tomorrow night since adderall and beer go hand in hand in my world. I must follow through and not use. Scripts gotta go...can't take this shit anymore. I want to feel, cry, laugh, and not shut myself off anymore. I may not know exactly what I have been hiding from all these years, but I know my soul is aching to be free of this weight I carry. One day at a time...one hour...one second if that's what it takes.z