Edie

I have tried on my own and I realize I am unable to kick my addictive behaviors and need help. With help from my counselor, accepting the help in my area, I will enter rehab for 28 days Thursday. I am excited to focus on me for the very first time in my life and learn the tools to cope with hardships rather than pop a pill, smoke, or knock the bottle back. I admit defeat, the drugs, my compulsive thoughts, and denial/anger won the last several years. However, for me, my girls, my career, and my husband (if it is meant to be) I choose health, prayer, sleep, exercise, and healthy tools to be in my heart, mind, and hands soon! I will miss my girls, but they want a happy Mommy that is rested and focused on them! Wish me luck...peace out

I have been detoxing from adderall, not in high doses, but in doses that affect me enough to question my ADD label. My husband takes 30 mg daily and drinks, smokes pot and I am trying to find a clearer pathway to live life. How does that work with a mortgage, 2 kids, debt, and bills keep coming in and for the last two years I have been the breadwinner?? He is back to work as of last month, but the hardship to me has just begun to get out of the financial dark cloud we are under. I want to live a life, like I used to, free of substances, but I live with Mr Temptation....any advice?

It's just exchanging one addiction for the other and alcohol is socially accepted, makes you numb, but the hangover is crappy. Are you seeing a counselor? What about AA as an option to help deal with the cravings to drink.? So yes, I have struggled with one or both. I am still struggling, but I do believe it is possible to live a life without a drink or drug to lean on to give me a sense of self. I just have to learn about myself and why I make these choices so that I can break the cycle of addiction period...it's the cycle that drives me nuts. I can become addicted to a piece of clothing that makes me feel a certain way or a bag of chips that I can't resist. I need to re-boot my brain and that takes time. I love that I found this site and that I am not alone in battle over adderall, the most manipulative substance I have ever encountered. Hope you continue to post updates....

The thing you have going for you right now is youth. Take it from an old fart like me, you don't want your addictions (adderall, nicotine) to follow you as you get older and they will, trust me on that. I know your education is very important and your music program is probably competitive and you have to be in that mindset. However, all the posts I have come accross on this site that talk about creativity everyone has the same message...it killed their ability to draw, write, play/write music,,,etc.. What will keep you from taking another 300 mg again? Nothing, since you have already done it and survived...right? Most addicts have to hit a bottom before they can really see that they will either die or seriously compromise their health before they stop for good. Maybe you can avoid the rock bottom by reducing your classes this fall or take a semester off to get counseling, go to NA, write music to get in touch with that creativity you obviously have. I am just an old fart with addictions and behaviors I have etiher ignored or moved past them so far in my life. However, I have yet to seriously commit to a program of recovery (I need to get back into AA/NA--like now) and relinquish control of my life and have faith that there is another way to live fully without chemicals I have been diagnosed with clinical depression, ADD, post partum depression, insomnia, migraines, and anxiety in the last 10 years, not all at once, but they are adding up. I know what needs to be done, but for some reason I have this distorted view of myself, that I am not worthy of a happy life that does not have drugs and alcohol in it. All it is is fear and a messed up childhood that fostered these beliefs. I am married with two children and I am an RN. I have the opportunity to live a great life, have a long lasting career, and to watch my girls grow up. Yet, the damn pills, low self worth, fear, anger, depression win most of the time and I let it happen because dulling the pain is my habit, my crutch, my addicted brain. School, a career, can wait...but life goes right on moving and flies by. You deserve to be successful and happy and not look back and regret wasting time. Good luck to you...post updates

Are you seeing a counselor? Support groups like AA/NA have been helpful to me to make sure I don't escalate and get out of control. I hate that you have your screen name as"I hate myself" because if you are on this site reaching out, you do care about yourself and your future, but I know the guilt and shame in regards to addiction is powerful. How did adderall come into your life? If you have a good income and want to keep working (with this crappy economy) see if you can take a FMLA leave or a vacation to detox, sleep, and get healthy again to keep working to have a fullfiling retirement down the road. Just a thought. I am in the same boat, I want to take time for myself away from work to fully focus on this addiction and get my priorities straight because I don't want to be a sleepy out of it mom for my girls. I'm going to try to take a few days for myself to go to the beach or the mountains with no drugs or alcohol coming with me or in my reach, just me, my pillow, and some books to read. I hope I can make it happen asap. If you have the time built up at work and the money to put towards YOU, you should. Retirement won't matter if you are high for it and ruin your happiness and health as you get older...right?? Best of luck to you and welcome..

I guess I need to get moving...I will be 40 next year and I don't want to feel any effects of adderall addiction by then. I like thinking about turning 40 and having it be better than my 30's, 20's...I am feeling a bit inspired to be more proactive and tackle my demons...Thanks all

Have you though about changing to a different antidepressant? I was on lexapro for about a year and then POOF, it stopped working and the black cloud was hanging over me again....Just a thought. I am on Cymbalta and getting ready to up my dose next month again because my depression is so sneaky, it takes over so quickly. "Semi-functional"...I hear ya, but don't we deserve better than that??? I feel at times that I am doomed to be depressed my whole life, but I want to get out of that mindset and enjoy the time I have now....it's just so hard to get up everyday and make that choice...am I right?

Are you on an antidepressant now? Is a doctor following you during this process, one that knows about your experience with adderall?

Unod1a- I know that is what needs to occur...I just feel so down and alone most of the time...I need to pull myself up, but how? I really am keeping this very simple in my head..I have no idea what I am doing.. Thanks for your advice and I have read some of your posts and I am glad you don't crave the pills..I know the cravings are so strong and starts up the obsessive thinking that leads to taking that one pill that sends you back to a living hell. I guess I like suffering...wtf?

I relapsed this week on 20 IR's. I am so overwhelmed with emotions right now ranging from sadness to wanting to laugh out loud at myself for being so weak and lacking in healthy coping mechanisms. I am awake, acutely aware of my faults, and scared....this is painful.

My husband took it for a long time and then needed to switch to the stimulant medications. He did well on it for a couple of years. I'm a nurse so I have access to drug books and I did some research on it, it is worth looking into. You still have to titrate the dosage with your doctor and look for side effects, but it is used for depression and the "go to" med for ADD in patient's with issues with addictive behavior. Let me know what else you find out about it. Glad to hear you tried yoga! Before I had my kids I was a yoga freak. I need to get back into it again as well. The mind body disconnect that comes with addiction is so powerful, but yoga can help the reconnecting process like no other form of exercise out there. Namaste!!

I posted my story just recently in "tell your story" in the forums....feel free to read it...it is very long since I mainly discuss how much my addictive mind affects my husband and our marriage. However, over the course of a very long friendship, then courtship, and going on 10 years of marriage he is still the one I trust and want to be with. He is not the problem...I am...he didn't sign up for this and I feel much shame and guilt for the pain I have caused him. I let a lapse in judgement a few years ago when I took that tiny orange pill on a weekend I was off from work to party with my hubby late night...turn into years of craving that rush, that sense of empowerment that adderall and drugs like it will supply you with in plenty...at first. I am sorry you are going through this and wanted to let you know that you are not alone..and neither is she.

How are you doing Kathleen? Take it from an old fart like me with ex's....they are ex's for a reason.... A true loving relationship makes you want to be your best. Now, that being said, people change and experience life in all its possibilities and pain differently. So your best may not be the best all the time and that is ok. I met my husband in high school (just friends) and we married ten years later after almost marrying other people. People love our story because it sounds like a fairy tale...We have had a hard time, kids, house, cars, job loss, fights, etc....,but what has always remained is that we are friends. Sometimes the love isn't there, but it's the" like", respect, and giving that person space to grow and learn that gets you through. You say you wanted to end things smoothly with your ex ("ex tool")...I am not sure that you will get that ending. I think it ended long ago, but you are holding on to what you had together...(please correct me if I am wrong). Maybe you have never been on your own, without a man...even for a short time???? I always thought that if I met the right man and had a family, that I would be happy. NOPE, I never healed the inner pain I had pushed aside and it almost ruined me. I was able to hide the pain for many years, until it caught up with me. Take time to get to know who you are, yes it is scary to face the bad things, but aren't the bad things easier to believe at times?? I think so. We have all landed on adderall's door step for some reason, trauma that we have not dealt with is what I believe. My advice to you is to loose the ex's info, get away from him in cyberspace, and spend time on you. I say this (well, type this) with kindness...don't make the mistake I did and try to figure out who you are when you are married and raising kids....OMG the guilt is painful, so painful. I wake up every day and choose to love my husband, my girls, my family, job....I can spend all damn day in negative city....I choose not to and that makes the addiction feel further and further away... Your posts moved me, so I wanted to respond, and I hope I am not being to preachy, but I am concerned about you.

DON"T USE ADDERALL...done!

I made the first step. I will not get a refill. I went to 2 AA meetings today instead of the pharmacy and it was cathartic for me to let go and feel safe surrounded by people that won't judge me. I am going to a NA meeting tomorrow night since adderall and beer go hand in hand in my world. I must follow through and not use. Scripts gotta go...can't take this shit anymore. I want to feel, cry, laugh, and not shut myself off anymore. I may not know exactly what I have been hiding from all these years, but I know my soul is aching to be free of this weight I carry. One day at a time...one hour...one second if that's what it takes.z

I am grateful for this site as well. It feels good to be out of hiding doesn't it? I am still struggling and I find a lot of peace when I go to AA meetings for now. Congrats on day 4 as well...

I could start from my childhood and disclose how I was raised and how it has directly impacted my thoughts, self esteem, behaviors, and life choices. However, lets face, we are all on this site because of our past, mental health issues, or some sort of trauma or we would not abuse drugs, we would not want to escape. I will start in 2006 when I was offered my first stimulant, coke. I was 33, just had my second child, and was at a friends wedding with my husband. I made it through high school and college being able to count on one hand my experience with drugs. I was not sure what to do, but took a little sniff, went to a bar, felt nothing really, and then went to bed. About a year later, my husband took a job out of state and was gone for 2 weeks and home for two weeks. A friend of his in town came by and had some coke. It was my assumption that my husband would say no to this, but they had worked together in Baltimore and it seemed like no big deal. I have always been a night owl and the kids were in bed, house was clean, bills paid, so what the hell ...right. WRONG....I was hooked after the first line that was bigger than the sniff close to a year earlier. I felt the rush, my teeth were numb, and I wasn't tired. I am a hospice nurse and I work 12 hour nights every weekend and I loved not feeling tired. My use of this stimulant was very slow in the beginning, but then my life began to spiral and being high to work, clean, deal with bills/household stuff, etc was so much more pleasant. My husband John and I have known each other for 21 years. We met through mutual friends in high school and fell in love in our twenties. Drugs were not apart of our relationship until after we had our kids which is the saddest part of my story. I was responsible growing up and in college/living on my own. I regressed on the stimulants and became a whiny, selfish, angry teenager. John never had a problem with coke, he has horrible ADD and the stimulant made him calm, effective, productive person, and he could always go to bed. Me, I would be up all night reading, looking up stuff on the internet, working triage from home (yep, doing my job high). Then the damn birds would jolt me into reality...hey lady, you have kids that will be up soon...my heart would sink every time thinking what a piece of shit mother I am....but that feeling was never enough to stop me from the next all nighter. The viscous cycle of abuse and addiction, it's insanity. As I mentioned, John has very bad ADD and so when I finally made the stance to stop the coke usage (it went on for close to a year) he went to his doctor to get his ADD meds again. He does need them, they work for him, he is still a good person on his meds, he does not abuse them. First it was concerta, then it was concerta and ritalin.. Did I know where he kept his meds, yep sure did, all 10,000 hiding places. Did I take his pills and lie about it, yep sure did. This went for a while until I had enough after we would argue all the time because of my erratic behavior. I went a year with not taking his meds and for a while our marriage got better and the kids were our absolute focus. This was 2010. Then John lost his job and I became the breadwinner and he stayed with the kids while I picked up extra shifts and he collected unemployment. He continued his ADD meds and I stayed away from them at first..... Soon the stress of working 16 hour shifts back to back to back got the best of me. I had the ability to work from home though and set up my home office. I would try to juggle my long work hours, motherhood, wifehood, school volunteering, and then taking care of the home. Thankfully John had the unemployment and is a good, caring father, but he is not mommy. Soon my old friends came back to haunt me: clinical depression, low self worth, fear, anger, resentment, and unresolved issues with my parents and childhood. I was in for the worst 2 years of my life, 2010-April 2012. The depression hit me like a ton of bricks around the holidays in 2010. I was so exhausted from working and would sleep all day while the kids were in school then go on call in the afternoon and be up all night working...viscous cycle as well. Sleep deprivation and the clinically depressed is not a good combo, but being the good little nurse that I am, I went to my doctor and got on Cymbalta that had worked well for me before and have been on 90 mg daily and it did help for a while. I soon began to like my nights working and would sleep all day if I needed to between shifts since John was home and could take care of the kids. It was not an unusual thing for triage calls to come in all night long, so I had a good excuse. On my days off, I felt pressure to be the best mom and take the kids out and have fun, but we had no money and that began to wear on me. I resented John for putting me in the situation of having to work, work, work and then not have any time to myself. I began to pull away from him sexually as a form of punishment for him I guess...I was not aware I was doing that until much later. We would spend some nights during the week watching movies and have a few drinks. Well then it became 3-5 times a week and a 12 pack each movie. I had forgotten that alcohol worked well for me to forget my worries, loosen me up, and I could escape just like I did with the coke and stimulants I just didn't get as much done. I began to hide how much I would drink, hid beer cans, buy a 12 pack and hide it in my closet to replace the ones I drank while he was sleeping and put them back in the fridge. I never drank during the day, hangovers were rare since I just stuck with beer, but I was not functioning well. I became a binge drinker.All the while that this is going on, I am excelling at my job, people love me at work. Remember, I worked from home during this time. I did not have to shower, put on nice clothes or face anyone. All I had to do was be ready to answer the phones for 16 hours, check messages, chart, and be there for the patient's and families calling in. I mastered the ability to sound great, when I felt horrible. This too went on for a long while. I began to get every tired at this point (Spring of this year) and John had been put on adderall by this point and was no longer on the concerta or ritalin and it had been 4 years since coke was around. I remember looking in his garage on a 16 hour shift and saw that orange bottle with the little orange pills in there. I took a quarter and slipped back upstairs and finished my shift, it was 0400 and I had 4 hours left and I was happy, awake, able to focus on my charting, more patience with the families and patients that called in that shift, and even paid the bills and organized my office which I was too tired or depressed to get done. That quarter was the start of sneaking, begging my husband for some, becoming an expert at hide and seek while he slept and I had the on call phone on my hip and the kids were tucked in fast asleep. I loved my late nights working, adderalling, focusing. I would read, write, research. I got a lot done. I applied to a local university to go back to get my bachelors degree in nursing. I reduced some APR's on 2 credit cards, I researched parenting, did laundry, made the kids lunches, checked their home work...etc...all while the people I love more than anything slept and they thought I was getting at least some rest too if I was on call. I would lie about how much I slept or what time I fell asleep. Who lies about how much they sleep? Addicts do. My little world began to unravel piece by piece. I became sleep deprived and since the script was not mine, I would have to take a few days off or even weeks to make sure John was not catching on that his script was a little low. The nationwide shortage this past year of the 20 mg IR tabs made his doctor move him up to 30 mg IR twice a day so he had left overs since he would take 30 mg mainly each day and not 60mg. He caught on after I became to not care that I was up all night and needing to sleep. He would get so angry with me and hide his pills and make me swear I would not touch them, but usually within 24 hours, I would find them and get my little 1/2 a pill and some beer and have my time. Our marriage was taking major hits from my depression that would come from guilt of taking his meds, and my anger began to be more noticeable when I was off the pills and could not get anymore. I would drink heavier when the pills were not an option and I became I mean drunk. Now, all this happened after I was a "good mom" and made them dinner, went to the park, and did homework. I was able, somehow to have enough strength to be there for them and was never wasted in front of them...ever. Does that make it ok, no, but at least they won't have the mental image for the rest of their lives. My drinking, pill popping got me arrested this past Spring. John and I went to a comedy club and had a great time. However, we were mixing liquor, beer, adderall (each had 10 mg) and we were out on the town, had a babysitter so we were living it up. Yet, we got into a fight in the parking lot when I told him not to drive (he was very buzzed) and we stormed off in separate directions. I went and drank martinis and him gin and tonics. I gave up trying to have a good night with him and opted to get a cab home and he could deal with getting home later once sober. I was very drunk, crying, mad as hell when I got to the ATM to get out cash for a cab and some guy said something to me I cannot remember now and I jumped down his throat. Another guy came over and tried to talk to me, but I was pissed and I told him to "fuck off" and stepped on his foot to get him to back off (was wearing flip flops) and turned to use the ATM. Next thing I know my face hits the ground, I have a knee in my back, and I cannot move. He was a cop and he was taking me down. I was immediately acutely aware that I had fucked up in a major way and sobered up quick. I was arrested and taken to jail and charged with assaulting an officer and being intoxicated/ disruptive Meanwhile, John was back at our car on the other side of the building and was not aware of this and my mom was home with our kids expecting us at any time. Nothing will humble you more than being in handcuffs and seeing how destructive one can become. This was a life changing night for me and I thank God for it because it saved my marriage, my career, and I hope one day it will save me. What I mean by saying that is, it was not my bottom getting arrested and having my livelyhood jeopardized. I knew I needed help and went to AA meetings, started counseling, saved my job by telling them what happened and submitting to drug tests whenever they want. I feel I am living my bottom now because I am a smart woman, I know what the right things are to do. I know what to do to be a good employee, a good client for my lawyer, a good wife and mom to get by. However, I'm very scared that my bottom is still to come, that my addiction to substances is not done with me. Of course I have a diagnosis of depression (long line on my dads side) and of all things ADD too. This diagnosis is new and it was made in the last month by more than on doctor and I am working with my counselor who specializes in addiction to make sure I stay on the right path. Adderall is now available to me and I don't have to sneak around anymore. I do find I am able to relax when I take the 10-20 mg of the IR and the anger and rage is gone and I am not drinking. I do feel more focused and not tweaked out anymore, but I am nervous... It feels good to get all of this down and no matter how crazy I am or what may happen next. I feel I am open to suggestions from those with more experience, strength, and hope than I do now. I am going to my doctor in the morning to have my med dose checked and I am conflicted....my addict brain wants the pills to keep me from craving them if they weren't here. Thanks for reading this to those who had a lot of time on your hands...ha.

It sounds like support is what you need to get through withdrawal. Do you have someone you can talk to that you can be open with? With no insurance, a primary care physician is cheaper than seeing a psychiatrist, but just know the laws with CII meds are very strict and a lot of docs are nervous about prescribing them.Maybe look into support groups for ADD/ADHD in your area, NA/AA meetings are free and you don't have to admit anything you are not comfortable with.You can sit in the corner, have a cup of joe, and be amazed by the collective group of people that come together over substance abuse...it is really interesting. Those groups can provide you with support and it's at least one hour that you won't have to worry about cravings and you can go to as many meetings per day as you want. I have a family history of depression, I stuff my problems because I am the strong one in my family (ha), then I use, then boom...I explode. I see a counselor once a week and go to meetings because I know I have been an addict in major denial, am one now, but trying hard to break the cycle of anger/depression.....for myself and for my kids so they may not have such a hard road...anyway, good luck to you.

Have you thought about going to an AA or NA meeting? The 12 steps and the support given at those meetings is truly wonderful and you don't have to talk, just listen, and know you are not the only one in the room that struggles. I always feel better when I go to a meeting and it is the bridge between days and I am less likely to use/curbs cravings.....