gonzo

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About gonzo

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  1. Relapse...

    That's a good point. It's like Adderall is just a manifestation of this "addiction" drive, and one with some very confusing cost/benefits (vs something like alcohol or opiates). Exercise, perhaps?
  2. Relapse...

    Sorry -- I wish I was in a better place to be less "self serving" but I'm an addict, depressed, and struggling with the psychology and dissonance of my addiction. I didn't realize this was only a place for those that were doing "well" in their struggle. I actually decided to post because I read "I'd say 90% of the Tell Your Story stories are folks who want to quit, post their story, then never come back cuz they keep using". That was me. If people think that these types of posts are harmful to the community and are hurting others' efforts to stay clean.. I'll stay away. I'm NOT convinced of this, at ALL. What's so confusing? That I'm *struggling* with the concept of "is this good? is this bad?"? I started my post with "I'm relapsing" and ended with "Blah. I think I need to see a therapist." That it was pointed out to me that "hey, man, if you're still using sometimes, you haven't really quit?" gave me serious pause and something to contemplate. The site is called QUITTING aderall, not I QUIT adderall. I wish I could be an inspiration to you, man, but I'm just not there.
  3. Relapse...

    Your words definitely help, and are duly appreciated. (Sadly?) No, and no. Perhaps this is at the root of my problem(s). Yes. But that was out of my control; not a decision I had to make. I see what you're saying. And I totally agree (and the facts unambiguously support) that I never really "quit" forever. Just got disgusted enough to stop using daily. The bad things I have done? Yes. I think so. But I keep falling into the trap of, "but it's helped me do GOOD things for people too." and "I know other people on Adderall who seem very able to handle it".
  4. Hey Falcon, CONGRATULATIONS!!

    90 days is incredible. Congrats, man.
  5. Wellbutrin SR

    Hey, man, no worries. I said I was opposed to being on them, as in *myself*. Nothing against *others* using them, at all, what-so-ever! I would never be down on someone else for that kind of life choice.
  6. Wellbutrin SR

    You definitely have a point. And complete independence from substances might be the best path for you. I definitely see virtue in that. However, something likke Wellbutrin seems much more subtle / less abusable than something like Adderall. "you will see changes in 2-6 weeks" sounds nothing like amphetamine whatsoever. Even if it's a NDRI. Though the personality changes might be similar... but simply much less pronounced? A big part of my amphetamine-hatred is the massive ups and downs... not sure if I'd see that on Wellbutrin. Maybe just a slightly elevated baseline? I could be wrong; I don't know; this is just speculation. I'd love to hear more reports of people taking it who are also familiar with amphetamines. I've been opposed to being on "perscription medications" most of my life, yet fell in quickly with Adderall (first "recreationally", then habitually). If you want to go full on 100% stimulant-esque substance free, that would invovle kicking things like coffee and nicotine too... edit: I also see Wellbutrin is an effective and on-label perscribed smoking cecession aid. Which is really interesting, since amphetamine is such a chain-smoking-promoter for many people (myself included).
  7. Relapse...

    I don't know. I've never given *anything* up for "good" before. I had a stint of significant opiate addiction (40-80mg of oxycodone/day) and I got so sick of the laziness, constipation and malaise that I quit... and though I'll still indulge occationally, I'm really not quite afraid of a full-blown relapse (and it hasn't happened; this was a number of years ago). I think the difference here is... with opiates, I'm always left feeling "ugh, that was horrible". With adderall it's sometimes more like "ugh, that was excellent, look at all I did". This might qualify as "the addiction itself", but -- the empty, horrible, hollow feeling when I'd stop for a few days, especially when reflecting upon the way that I treated other people. Alienating friends with impunity, not forming "real" close connections with others, and huge problems with relationships/intimacy. Insomnia. Feeling anxious all the time. Obsessing over social minutae and imperfections. Missing obligations due to 1) crashing out, or 2) feeling so self-important as to not even care. Never preparing for the future. Passing up on a really good job prospect because I dominated the interview and felt like I could "do better".
  8. Relapse...

    3-4 months. Not total abstinance, but far far less (occation-specific use only, e.g. sometimes before a late-night performance; probably 5 or 6 times total). Before 'quitting', it was 30-60mg/day every day. I've been taking 10-20mg/day the past week or so.
  9. Just got back from a date..

    That's awesome, man. The last date I went on was going so wonderfully until I got addeled up and turned into a manic repulsive emotion-less jerk when she came home with me. I feel so awful about it, turning a full 180 on this girl, she must have been confused and uncomfortable as hell. It really opened my eyes to the whole Jekyl vs Hyde thing and triggered my desire to quit.
  10. Depression Hurts

    Hi Falcon, Depression is very much like a friend. A warm, comfortable, familiar place of misery and despair. As for persuing happiness -- it's kind of a misnomer. I'm not sure happiness is something than can truly be actively persued. And it is certainly not the same as "gratification" -- Adderall in particular tricks you into thinking it is. I think the path to "happiness" invovles eliminating the things that make you suffer, even if it involves a loss of gratification. For one, the drugs. best of luck, man. I'm there with you. Bad days and medicore days. As for adderall-widthdrawal triggering depression: oh, believe me, there's a fucking link. I'm sorry your friends don't believe you on this one. My best friend takes adderall every day (40mg), but his relationship with it seems totally different from mmine. He just takes it as perscribed. He has never binged. He exercises and eats a lot. He can be a little up-and-down but no more than your average individual and he never seems tweaked out or manic. But he fully admits it gives him a huge advantage in his daily life ("I've seen myself without it... you don't want to know"; "I don't think I could hold down this job without it"). It's hard to talk frankly with him about my own problems because he seems to feel guilty about the advantage it gives him. He used to just change the topic immediately whenever I mentioned amphetamines. I don't feel any kind of spite towards him because of his amphetamine use. I really do love him, and love to see him happy, and he's got a job and a girlfriend and a real good life going for him (seemingly for the first time in his life), and while the drugs are an enabler, it's not "just the drugs". At the same time, MY relationship with amphetamine is so so so different. The dissonance is really hard to deal with. And the people I know who are "like me" ("abusers"?), glorify it and have no intention to stop. I'm so glad I found this forum.
  11. Relapse...

    I'm relapsing too. Right now. This week. After a few months of depression / weight gain / unemployment / lack of motivation to find a job, here I am, familiar territory, feeling "good", eating much less, staying up all night, re-organizing my apartment, and finally feeling properly nervous about my lack of employment. Oh, and smoking again. And not smiling. Blah. I think I need to see a therapist.
  12. Wellbutrin SR

    I'm interested to hear how this goes. I've been considering seeing a doctor and asking about Wellbutrin myself, both for my lingering amphetamine-widthdrawal issues (demotivation) and for my general depression. Did you ask for it specifically or was it recommended to you?
  13. Heading to rehab in the am

    Congrats Edie! Best of luck, and keep us updated.
  14. Wierd Smells

    This is my take: It sounds like hypervigilance (regarding smell) triggered by amphetamine psychosis, combined with the actual physical effects of amphetamine. In other words -- Adderall probably did increase your body oder, but quite possibly nowhere *near* as much as you thought it did. Sweat is somewhat similar to urine (in particular, it contains some amount of urea, though much less than in urine). Sweat can also contain ammonia, usually *very* small concentrations, although this can increase substantially with a low-carb / high-protein diet. When amino acids (the building blocks of proteins) are broken down into glucose for energy, one common by-product is ammonia. Ammonia (fairly toxic) is usually converted into urea (less toxic) via the liver and expelled primarily through urine. But when there's an abundance of ammonia -- too much to turn into urea -- the body expels it via sweat. Amphetamines dehydrate you *and* can make you sweat more. Dehydration causes more concentrated sweat and urine (less water) ==> more smell. To reiterate, I'd postulate that Adderall indirectly caused you to smell more (via dehydration / possibly odd diet), and directly (via excess sweating), and additionally made you overfocused and obsessive about the smell, quite possibly to the point of blowing its severity way out of proportion.
  15. Wierd Smells

    I'm not exactly sure what you're saying here regarding "a mildew smell"... can you elaborate?