Traceme

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About Traceme

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  • Birthday 08/28/1976

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    Female
  • Location
    Michigan

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  1. Nada

    I do that a lot.
  2. Feeling out of control

    You seem so easy to relate to ( I can also be that asshole) and really so freaking awesome that if you were on adderall writing this...I bet OFF adderall you would be all those things times 1000! So you know what? You are going to be better than okay...you are going to be amazing! I admit, I know this from an outsiders perspective-but believe me-I know a lot of people when they are on it...and a lot of people when they run out...I have NEVER met a person yet, that is better on it. Not one. Even when they may feel tired, out of the loop, useless and run down...they are ALWAYS genuine when they are out. This drug seems to steal that first in my own opinion. Being genuine is a priceless character commodity.
  3. Does the season change help you?

    I sympathize with you Blue-feeling nothing almost seems like it would be a little worse than how I feel. How do you guys manage to get up and going everyday...I truly admire the strength or the will it must take to accomplish such a daunting feeling or lack thereof. I honestly don't know if I would have it in me at this point. I think my happiness lies within how content I am. I don't believe I am very content right now. I feel a little forced into this loneliness but I guess I've really been avoiding dealing with myself for sometime now-and well...guess now is as good of time as any for this soul search.
  4. Poster Child for Relapse

    I am so happy for you, proud for you, excited for you. You are amazing!
  5. Does the season change help you?

    Thanks LilTex! I am trying daily for a better place. I am sure there has to be one-so it feels more like a search/adventure...than a feeling. That adjustment period is hell...but I am climbing. (Baby steps) Frank-the anxiety is horrible (at least I think what I am feeling is anxiety because I am not calm either)...I hate it. I have anxiety about the stupidest crap...like...sleeping. I will wake myself up at night worried that I won't get enough sleep and then not be able to fall back asleep. I have that empty feeling in my stomach every single day. Empty with worry. It's not a place I want to reside in either. Heck, I never even wanted to visit this emotion. I never had anxiety before...my whole life felt happy go lucky...enter adderall.....bye bye sanity.
  6. Hello all- I woke up to a new calendar month and a cooler breezy day and I thought about change. Change is hard for me. I don't know when that became hard for me or how I came to realize it was hard for me-but I want to try to embrace that now. I usually fight it-to the point of tears really-and I don't want to do that anymore. I want to "use" this season change to the fullest. I don't know I would feel the same if it were spring. I don't feel like sunshine and rainbows right now. I feel like fall. I feel cooler-solemn like cool cloudy days-maybe if I can just take each day slow and somber like the days ahead-I can come out of winter ready to grow and blossom.
  7. Telling others about my addiction

    True Frank-alcohol...cocaine...heroin...I had heard all those names before thanks to D.A.R.E. and mainstream television. I had NO idea what adderall was until I looked around and there were orange Rx bottles everywhere and not a pill to be found in any of them. Then I started asking questions and poof-my life would never be the same. This should be in the same quitting party-throwing category as all the other mentioned-but it doesn't get the same notorious spotlight. My view is tell who ever you want. Your real friends are still going to be there when the dust and confusion settles-plus you get an added bonus (necessary bonus in my opinion only) of accountability. Nothing in your life is worth suffering for this drug and what it takes from you-right down to your bare soul. At 27 years old-I commend you. Discovering what you DONT want-or what ISNT working for you-Is success at it's finest. Welcome.
  8. The effect on personality

    The personality change-as many above concur-is unfortunately very real. When my love and I were together I tried to gently point out certain things I noticed that were so different from how I knew he really was. It usually didn't go well and most of the time I was redirected to take a look at myself and how crazy I had become. ( Maybe a little truth to that considering we all know this crap has a spider-web affect on every living thing around it) I never did-but always wanted to-record the Jeckll to show it to Hyde-(or vise versa)-but never quite had the guts to do it. Plus I never knew if it would of been a "safe" decision on my part considering there was a bit of a violent side to him. I always had that window of time when he would run out-after over using-and I was sure that if he saw this person he became-it would shock him into stopping. I am living a parallel life to yours Bones...I am just living it alone now. Keep educating yourself-you are here-and it's like a giant answer book thanks to all the members who are trying for a better life. Much thanks and appreciation to them for the time they share with us here.
  9. To Whom It May Consume, I hate you. It's not a nice feeling. If I don't get this off my chest, it may kill me. I need to hate YOU addiction-so take it personally. I can't continue to try to hate someone I love because of what you are and what you have done. I need to redirect this feeling of darkness and sadness and you don't seem to discriminate or have the slightest conscience about your effect on humans-so now I am going to hate you...with a bullet. I hate that I didn't know enough about you to deal with you properly in the beginning. I hate you for infiltrating my love's brain and body because you made yourself appear easier than dealing with tough emotions that sometimes overwhelm people in a way that they become desperate for you in a way that even they don't understand. I hate you for making my love make decisions that trick him into thinking that he is an all knowing king of the universe and master of his vessel. I hate you for giving him that vein on the side of his head that makes him appear as though he is going to stroke out at any second. I hate that you made me watch him while he slept so I was prepared to call 911 if necessary. I hate that I would take his pulse throughout the night so I could monitor when his heart stopped finally racing. I hate that you make him paranoid. So paranoid that reality is just a game we once played. I hate that you made him think that I would ever be unfaithful. I hate that you made me scared to talk to him. Scared of his reactions. Scared of his actions. I hate you for making him lazy and entitled. I hate you for making him think it's okay to constantly ask people for money. I hate you for being emotionally and physically abused. I hate you for making his brother tell him anything he wants to hear to make him think everything is okay and everyone else is crazy-because he is a slave to you too. I hate you for making him turn his entire family into strangers I once knew. I hate you for making his family and me go through something so senseless and tragic...to the point where you don't know up from down because you have to mourn someone who is still alive. I hate you for being so deceptive. I hate you for his family choosing to keep their kids safe by not letting them be alone with you like you wanted...and I hate you for watching his heart break over that decision because he truly doesn't understand why. I hate you for tricking him into thinking he is in recovery because he no longer drinks...because you said a prescription from a doctor is okay...when it most certainly is not okay you lying asshole. I hate you because I could not defeat you for him. I hate that there could only be one of us in our relationship-and he choose you. He unbelievably and inexplicably choose you. I hate you because I feel desperate and alone. I hate you because you don't discriminate against anyone. I hate you because I love someone who still keeps you close but in denial that you really are a problem so you are someone he once knew...or so he thinks. I hate you because he can't hate you right now. Maybe someday you'll just be something we once knew-and you can be something that we can learn and grow from...but that time is not now. I don't even see a time like that in the near future. I hate that I even have to say that but you hate honesty-and that is just an honest opinion of where I think I am at with you. So if I am Frodo...and you are the ring-I will spend the rest of my days trudging forward-so I can return you to where you came from-Hell. Fuck you and the horse of many colors that you ride in on, Trace
  10. temper tantrums

    I am reminded of the movie where Bridget Fonda gets rehabilitated from being a violent street person to a calm cool killing machine. During the process, Anne Bancroft plays the part of "polishing" her social abilities and her anger was pretty out of control-she forces Bridget Fonda to use the phrase, "Well I never did mind about the little things..." when something arose to just piss her the hell off. At first you can tell she would say it to basically mock the phrase as a whole-but eventually, as time went on, she used the phrase more and more. She came to find that everything is a "little thing". (Probably because she was always being shot at-but you get my drift here) Yes-just a movie-but I always just kinda kept that phrase in the back of my head. When a negative emotion gets less and less attention in your thoughts and in your actions-you eventually just develop a new way of thinking without ever really making it a goal. I learned it was easier to live each moment. With good intention. (was this movie Point of No Return? ) I don't know-but a little Nina Simone goes a long way too. Peace Z.
  11. Temptations

    Frank, you're awesome. Period.
  12. Just about over

    No marriage papers here Bones...but I am walking beside you in hell holding your hand if that helps.Sometimes knowing someone else is in a parallel universe-a hellish parallel universe at that-well, sometimes it's comforting knowing that there are other people trying to find their way out too. You helped me. Thank you.
  13. Wow...Danquit...you just described in detail - what is going on right now in my addicts thoughts, actions and beliefs. How the hell? I mean you know its not or wasnt real now...for the most part anyway-which I totally understand. I realize as human's we are capable of a heck of a lot more than we produce right now in these moments...Adderall does have a way of pulling out thoughts that may be hard to reach without a drug or meditation...but oh my...some of these thoughts...I am totally stunned right now. I swear I thought it was just him. About how long into your quit did you start to think that something was off with your thought process when you were on it? Thanks for posting that...seriously...totally stunned...I can convey my emotion through text but I can't quite pick my jaw up off the floor right now if you get my drift.
  14. Clean for 9 years

    That is an EPIC time to be off this miserable drug-and I commend you for it. Try to let some of that shame and guilt go honey. It will not serve you. You just helped countless others with your post-and the future is bright and it's where you will find your peace. You will find an employer someday that will look past mistakes and see the person. You have enough back round in nursing to get a job at a drug rehab center-maybe you can help another person face and conquer their addiction with the help of your experience. Keep it up and thank you for posting your story.
  15. He left me.

    Those of you who know me through this website will probably know that those are the most profoundly devastating words I have ever forced myself to type. So much that I really don't know what else to say. Fuck you adderall.