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Everything posted by Traceme

  1. I have been thinking about getting a SMALL tattoo. I have lots of ideas but I am a bit of a gypsy and am afraid I will grow tired of the same thing-forever. I would need to always love it because I wouldn't ever go through taking it off. I am just curious as to how happy people are with their body art? Share what yours symbolizes if you'd like. I love to look at peoples tattoos and I am usually not shy about telling someone I am admiring their artwork-maybe this is offensive. I honestly am not sure of the etiquette. Anyway...just for fun.
  2. Confession: still dating girl on Adderall

    Man-I can so relate. Hang in there, friend.
  3. Day 6

    Hello Friend. I'm happy you're back. On your way to be better than ever!
  4. Fuck Adderall. It took ball loads of strength to end it. I'd say you definitely learned some beautiful things about yourself-but it sucks just the same too. Recovery is lonely sometimes-a lot of the times. Recovering as a co-dependent is lonely too. I've had to face some pretty harsh realities about myself. I'm hoping that when we least expect it-we will be able to bring some great things to the table of our future relationships-because we know ourselves better than before. <3
  5. Good for you Danquit. It takes guts and transparency to be able to share that with all of us. Thank you. I cannot speak about the addiction side of adderall-as I am only an ex lover of an addict. (reason for joining 3.5 years ago) First and foremost, take care of you. You recognized the severity of the slip and it sounds like you've got your priorites (back)in order. It is so important to recognize your vulnerability. Hyper-critical is so correct-be careful. Great advice. As for the love side of your life........ There are many women (and men) out there who are not addicts but have loved one. Although I am no longer with one-I learned a lot...albeit kicking and screaming...but I learned and I grew. When I finally made the decision after seven years to move forward-I had a lot to work through-even saying at one point-never again...never dating-never going to love...never this...never that. I don't feel that way anymore. It took a long while for those negative "nevers" to leave my mind. Through group and private therapy-I can tell you this. There are women like me out there who will fight for you. There are women out there who will put your recovery first because they know it's the only way. There are women out there who will love you hard because they want to see you be the best version of yourself. I wouldn't date someone who has only been clean for a short time-but I can say I wouldn't hesitate dating an addict who was a couple of years out of the gate, like yourself. We are both smart right? We know the signs...we get that there are triggers-we can deduce the patterns. We also know when we must distance our self from situations that risk our sobriety. I guess all I want to convey is hope. Hope for love-hope for growth-hope for everything you have that is important to you. Hope for the sweet gal you dated as well-because I know there is a man out there who will love her like she needs to be loved-when she is ready to conquer her demons. Again-thank you for sharing. Keep walking that path to recovery. Amazing things are waiting for you.
  6. Where is everyone from?

    I can relate Sunnie - northern Michigan.
  7. This brings tears of joy to my face for you. I know the strength it has taken on both sides to get you where you are now...together. Thank you for posting your story.
  8. I read something on few different medical sites that talk about how important a GOOD probiotic is as part of a decent diet. Like the ones you find in a small refrigerator inside a health food store. The good gut bacteria and the enzymes that are produced are responsible for a huge amount of body functions and they will not fire correctly without it. Did you know that 90 ish percent of your bodies serotonin is produced in your stomach? I just find that fascinating. Your brain needs those enzymes to produce and distribute serotonin. ESPECIALLY important for people quitting an amphetamine, but also important for anyone suffering from anxiety. Some people have found that a good probiotic alone all but alleviates their anxiety, which in turn can sometimes make the symptoms you have, quietly and mysteriously-go away. I don't have any links to credible sources but if you google serotonin and good bacteria in your body, you'll find some interesting articles and some people who swear by a good probiotic and how it's chnaged their lives for the better.
  9. So Annoyed

    There are so many things wrong within our society...due mainly to the lack of both character and the respect of human dignity. Im so sorry you are going through this. Its deplorable. In the mean time there are many docs with solid character and hearts that genuinely want to help you. Its great that you seek out new docs to help you achieve overall happiness and well being. It's really quite brave and have I the deepest admiration for you and anyone who gets on their own road to recovery. Don't give up
  10. Faded memories

    Did you have any pictures of yourself while using? If so what differences if any do you see if you don't mind sharing?
  11. No Contact

    No contact. I am in new waters and I am lost. I could use some direction. We have all probably heard of "The No Contact Rule" at some point in our lives. To me personally, it seems so un-human. In the same breath, however, I do understand that it can help with your own healing-your mental clarity-even some decisions that need made-might all be done with the help of no contact. My love moved-without notice or a good-bye even, to North Carolina from Michigan one week ago. Yes-the same person who, I, for some damn reason even to this very moment,I still feel a sense of loyalty to that is so strong-from a distance I probably look like a giant brunette golden retriever. Another word one might use is-codependent. *sigh* What I was wondering is, does no contact really work? Why am I asking all of you? Some of you had to do "no contact" or "cold turkey" to get away from adderall. The "taper-down" method doesn't work for a lot of people so you need cut off completely to help solidify your step towards sobriety. As addicts-you have probably had the no-contact rule applied to you by various people in your lives. For some reason, this never ever sat well with me as someone who was told to do this from many different people/websites, who would swear it was the only way I would heal-or help even from my addicts behavior. I realize it may seem like there are fucking obvious answers (I know, I am in your heads right now ) to these questions. HE left ME for God's sake. He DIDN'T even say GOOD-BYE for Christ's sake (still dealing with anger here-struggling-not sorry I am angry )... but there are a few extenuating circumstances here that leave me with loose heart strings. I am probably making excuses-but-oddly he has reached out to me somewhat and I have been not contacting him. It feels wrong. Does it feel wrong because I am in codependentville right now and I am conditioned for what DOESN'T work? Am I just an empathetic fool that needs better boundaries? Anyway-I guess if you've ever had this rule applied to you-in any situation really how did it make you feel, and what did it make you realize-if anything? If you ever applied this rule what were your results? I take full responsibility for where I am right now. I fucked up. My poor love tried to let me go so many times over the last 18 months or so. I just wouldn't let him go. I should of. Not for me-but for him...I feel I may of stunted his growth on his journey to sobriety. I just really felt the love-it was so unconditional-it felt free-but overflowing. So hard to describe. I am so grateful for being able to feel like that for someone-truly a gift.
  12. No Contact

    You are right. This is exactly what I needed to hear. I am working on ways to distract myself from wanting to contact him. Hopefully soon, with the help of some great books-I won't have to think about not contacting him-It will just be the way things are.
  13. addict

    Hi Bones-I know where you are. You're in hell with her. My advice is my experience. My love tried for a couple of years to break things off with me-sort of like your wife is trying to do with you and your marriage. I was the glue dammit. I was gorilla glue. I should of listened to my addict. If someone wants to walk out of your life- Let. Them. Go. It's a tough, hard, shitty, painful lesson. I was with my love six years. He has been off medication since early March of this year. Without notice or even a good-bye he moved to NC from MI a week ago. After all the hell you are gonna go through-let me just say I kick myself for trying so hard to be with someone who deep down didn't want a relationship. I watch this video everyday. It just helps. Let. Them. Go. This is your life too-you can love her-but you need to love you and your kids without that dragon breathing down your neck everyday. I love my love. I still love him so much after everything.
  14. Nada

    I do that a lot.
  15. Feeling out of control

    You seem so easy to relate to ( I can also be that asshole) and really so freaking awesome that if you were on adderall writing this...I bet OFF adderall you would be all those things times 1000! So you know what? You are going to be better than are going to be amazing! I admit, I know this from an outsiders perspective-but believe me-I know a lot of people when they are on it...and a lot of people when they run out...I have NEVER met a person yet, that is better on it. Not one. Even when they may feel tired, out of the loop, useless and run down...they are ALWAYS genuine when they are out. This drug seems to steal that first in my own opinion. Being genuine is a priceless character commodity.
  16. Does the season change help you?

    I sympathize with you Blue-feeling nothing almost seems like it would be a little worse than how I feel. How do you guys manage to get up and going everyday...I truly admire the strength or the will it must take to accomplish such a daunting feeling or lack thereof. I honestly don't know if I would have it in me at this point. I think my happiness lies within how content I am. I don't believe I am very content right now. I feel a little forced into this loneliness but I guess I've really been avoiding dealing with myself for sometime now-and well...guess now is as good of time as any for this soul search.
  17. Hello all- I woke up to a new calendar month and a cooler breezy day and I thought about change. Change is hard for me. I don't know when that became hard for me or how I came to realize it was hard for me-but I want to try to embrace that now. I usually fight it-to the point of tears really-and I don't want to do that anymore. I want to "use" this season change to the fullest. I don't know I would feel the same if it were spring. I don't feel like sunshine and rainbows right now. I feel like fall. I feel cooler-solemn like cool cloudy days-maybe if I can just take each day slow and somber like the days ahead-I can come out of winter ready to grow and blossom.
  18. Poster Child for Relapse

    I am so happy for you, proud for you, excited for you. You are amazing!
  19. Does the season change help you?

    Thanks LilTex! I am trying daily for a better place. I am sure there has to be one-so it feels more like a search/adventure...than a feeling. That adjustment period is hell...but I am climbing. (Baby steps) Frank-the anxiety is horrible (at least I think what I am feeling is anxiety because I am not calm either)...I hate it. I have anxiety about the stupidest I will wake myself up at night worried that I won't get enough sleep and then not be able to fall back asleep. I have that empty feeling in my stomach every single day. Empty with worry. It's not a place I want to reside in either. Heck, I never even wanted to visit this emotion. I never had anxiety whole life felt happy go lucky...enter adderall.....bye bye sanity.
  20. Telling others about my addiction

    True Frank-alcohol...cocaine...heroin...I had heard all those names before thanks to D.A.R.E. and mainstream television. I had NO idea what adderall was until I looked around and there were orange Rx bottles everywhere and not a pill to be found in any of them. Then I started asking questions and poof-my life would never be the same. This should be in the same quitting party-throwing category as all the other mentioned-but it doesn't get the same notorious spotlight. My view is tell who ever you want. Your real friends are still going to be there when the dust and confusion settles-plus you get an added bonus (necessary bonus in my opinion only) of accountability. Nothing in your life is worth suffering for this drug and what it takes from you-right down to your bare soul. At 27 years old-I commend you. Discovering what you DONT want-or what ISNT working for you-Is success at it's finest. Welcome.
  21. The effect on personality

    The personality change-as many above concur-is unfortunately very real. When my love and I were together I tried to gently point out certain things I noticed that were so different from how I knew he really was. It usually didn't go well and most of the time I was redirected to take a look at myself and how crazy I had become. ( Maybe a little truth to that considering we all know this crap has a spider-web affect on every living thing around it) I never did-but always wanted to-record the Jeckll to show it to Hyde-(or vise versa)-but never quite had the guts to do it. Plus I never knew if it would of been a "safe" decision on my part considering there was a bit of a violent side to him. I always had that window of time when he would run out-after over using-and I was sure that if he saw this person he became-it would shock him into stopping. I am living a parallel life to yours Bones...I am just living it alone now. Keep educating yourself-you are here-and it's like a giant answer book thanks to all the members who are trying for a better life. Much thanks and appreciation to them for the time they share with us here.
  22. He left me.

    Those of you who know me through this website will probably know that those are the most profoundly devastating words I have ever forced myself to type. So much that I really don't know what else to say. Fuck you adderall.
  23. To Whom It May Consume, I hate you. It's not a nice feeling. If I don't get this off my chest, it may kill me. I need to hate YOU addiction-so take it personally. I can't continue to try to hate someone I love because of what you are and what you have done. I need to redirect this feeling of darkness and sadness and you don't seem to discriminate or have the slightest conscience about your effect on humans-so now I am going to hate you...with a bullet. I hate that I didn't know enough about you to deal with you properly in the beginning. I hate you for infiltrating my love's brain and body because you made yourself appear easier than dealing with tough emotions that sometimes overwhelm people in a way that they become desperate for you in a way that even they don't understand. I hate you for making my love make decisions that trick him into thinking that he is an all knowing king of the universe and master of his vessel. I hate you for giving him that vein on the side of his head that makes him appear as though he is going to stroke out at any second. I hate that you made me watch him while he slept so I was prepared to call 911 if necessary. I hate that I would take his pulse throughout the night so I could monitor when his heart stopped finally racing. I hate that you make him paranoid. So paranoid that reality is just a game we once played. I hate that you made him think that I would ever be unfaithful. I hate that you made me scared to talk to him. Scared of his reactions. Scared of his actions. I hate you for making him lazy and entitled. I hate you for making him think it's okay to constantly ask people for money. I hate you for being emotionally and physically abused. I hate you for making his brother tell him anything he wants to hear to make him think everything is okay and everyone else is crazy-because he is a slave to you too. I hate you for making him turn his entire family into strangers I once knew. I hate you for making his family and me go through something so senseless and the point where you don't know up from down because you have to mourn someone who is still alive. I hate you for being so deceptive. I hate you for his family choosing to keep their kids safe by not letting them be alone with you like you wanted...and I hate you for watching his heart break over that decision because he truly doesn't understand why. I hate you for tricking him into thinking he is in recovery because he no longer drinks...because you said a prescription from a doctor is okay...when it most certainly is not okay you lying asshole. I hate you because I could not defeat you for him. I hate that there could only be one of us in our relationship-and he choose you. He unbelievably and inexplicably choose you. I hate you because I feel desperate and alone. I hate you because you don't discriminate against anyone. I hate you because I love someone who still keeps you close but in denial that you really are a problem so you are someone he once knew...or so he thinks. I hate you because he can't hate you right now. Maybe someday you'll just be something we once knew-and you can be something that we can learn and grow from...but that time is not now. I don't even see a time like that in the near future. I hate that I even have to say that but you hate honesty-and that is just an honest opinion of where I think I am at with you. So if I am Frodo...and you are the ring-I will spend the rest of my days trudging forward-so I can return you to where you came from-Hell. Fuck you and the horse of many colors that you ride in on, Trace
  24. temper tantrums

    I am reminded of the movie where Bridget Fonda gets rehabilitated from being a violent street person to a calm cool killing machine. During the process, Anne Bancroft plays the part of "polishing" her social abilities and her anger was pretty out of control-she forces Bridget Fonda to use the phrase, "Well I never did mind about the little things..." when something arose to just piss her the hell off. At first you can tell she would say it to basically mock the phrase as a whole-but eventually, as time went on, she used the phrase more and more. She came to find that everything is a "little thing". (Probably because she was always being shot at-but you get my drift here) Yes-just a movie-but I always just kinda kept that phrase in the back of my head. When a negative emotion gets less and less attention in your thoughts and in your actions-you eventually just develop a new way of thinking without ever really making it a goal. I learned it was easier to live each moment. With good intention. (was this movie Point of No Return? ) I don't know-but a little Nina Simone goes a long way too. Peace Z.
  25. Temptations

    Frank, you're awesome. Period.