Hi All,
It's been 15 days since I last had adderall, and it has not been a walk in the park to say the least. I started out taking adderall when I was 20 years old (10mg IR). My grades in college were poor, and I was lacking drive and focus, so I literally asked my doctor for a prescription and he wrote it for me, hardly any questions asked.
On Adderall I completely transformed into the focused, smart, and motivated student that I always yearned for. I went from community college to a very credible university, and eventually obtained a job with my dream company. I owe a great deal of credit to the adderall because I would most likely not be at the level of succes that I am at today without it.
While in school I would take 10-30mg a day on and off, depending on how much I had on my plate. I used to think of adderall as wonder drug, and I never had any regrets about taking it. I mean how could I, I felt like the fucking man when I was on it. Then... the dependency started to kick in. My last year of college I increased my dosage from 10mg IR to 15mg IR. I was obviously capable of doing so much more, and feeling so much better while I was on adderall so I started taking adderall almost every day.
Things took a turn for the worse when I started my career. I was the new kid on the block, and I wanted to show everyone that I was not messing around. I had my goals mapped out, and I wanted to rise up through the ranks of my company fast, and there was no way I was going to do it without my best friend addy. I excelled rather quickly, working 55-60 hour weeks like it was nothing, and was still able to workout 5-6 days week. In the midst of this I upped my daily dosage to 40mg XR. I was about 6 months into my job, and I was very happy with my progress. Then something strange started happening. I started becoming very irritable, and the ever so popular adderall come down, which I hardly ever experienced, kicked into play. The biggest thing I noticed was how socially awkward and boring I was becoming. I was literally turning into a zombie. Adderall slowly turned me from a fun loving extrovert, to an introvert on the highest level. I wanted the old me back. The part that had a sense of humor, the part that could hold a conversation on something other than work, and most of all the part that could let go and have fun. Obviously stopping adderall was out of the question, I wanted to have my cake and eat it too. I came up with a plan use positive thinking, and Cognitive Behavioral Therapy.
This is when things really took a turn for the worst. We all know that when we're on adderall we get tunnel vision and focus intensely. After I realized that adderall was turning me into a zombie, and changing me as a person, I started becoming very self conscious and started focusing on how I was acting and what people were thinking of me. I pretty much developed social anxiety, and It was so bad that I couldn't even talk with my co-workers, friends, and family. I felt miserable, so I tried to quit adderall. Without adderall my confidence was nonexistent, so my social anxiety became worse. I went back to adderall, and it was hit or miss. Some days I would be good, and other days I would just hyperfocus, and ruminate about stupid things, like if my eye contact was okay, or why did this person give me a strange look? I couldn't function around people, so I knew I had to quit. I took a week off work and literally hibernated in my apartment. I felt okay, mainly because I did not have work to do, and I wasn't around anybody else. I went back to work adderall free and things were a lot better. I would get stints where I had social anxiety, but I was usually able to take a deep breath, and focus on work and other things. My productivity plummeted to say the least, and I was not able to get much work done without adderall. I made it another week and I was feeling a lot better. But during the week I let my emotions get the best me and I took a small dose of adderall. Immediately felt the high and confidence that I first got when I started taking adderall, so I decided instead of stopping cold turkey I was going to ween my self down. I felt good for 2-3 days, but then I got that zombie feeling back and I started hyper focusing again on stupid things.
I decided that I was going to bite the bullet, and quit cold turkey. It's been a rough 15 days, but I know I will get better. Things are actually starting to feel more natural. I don't always have to force myself to laugh, and I'm not over thinking everything. The withdrawal symptoms seem to come in spurts, so it has been very unpredictable. I've been drinking a lot of green and chamomile tea, and it seems to help.
I'm 15 days closer to getting my soul back, and turning back into the regular me! I apologize for the long rant but writing about this has definitely helped my rehabilitation process.