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TechnoGoddess

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About TechnoGoddess

  • Birthday 12/29/1981

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  1. Thank you for both of your posts, Goldman. I read this first post last week and cried. I cried because you're right, and this is severe. It is like a life and death option, and this is my rock bottom. I don't like who I am on adderall- I become obsessed with taking it, chasing a high that sometimes never comes, even when I take a frightening dosage. And I *still* have an appetite and fall asleep at a decent hour. My tolerance is terribly high. But, there has been an interesting shift this week because I ran out of pills early. I had an appointment with my doctor on Monday that he cancelled because he's sick. So I'm totally out. But I've decided this is an opportunity for me to make the change. I can no longer physically, emotionally and financially afford this addiction. The appointment with my doctor is rescheduled for December 24, and I will be very honest with him that I need to start weening myself off. There is a possibility that I will just stop completely and cancel the appointment because I'm functioning without it right now. Not very well, but better than I imagined. I'm lucky I don't have a job right now so that I can take the recovery time and nap when I have to, eat when I need to (which is often, already gained back the 7 pounds I lost, but I'd rather be a little doughy than cranked up full-volume), sleep in a little. This is a turning point regardless of if I'm ready for it. I have to adapt, and one thing I am good at is surviving. Being an adderall addict is anti-survival. It goes against my nature and makes it impossible to nuture myself. I will PM you since you seem to understand me on a certain level. I appreciate that. Reaching out is hard. I am very thankful for this site, and to its members. Falcon, thank you so much. I did what you suggested and broke all my pills I had left in half and doled them out slowly. I still ran out early, but I tapered the dosage down enough to minimize the withdrawals. If I see my doc again, I'm going to let him know that I'm ready to start tapering off completely. Thank you all so much for taking the time to respond.
  2. I've wanted to post on here for a while. I think I found this site a few years ago and have read many of the articles from Mike. Obviously, this means that I am at an impasse that I'm having trouble clearing and therefore have concluded that I need some help getting through it. I've only taken one pill today, so I'm not amped up like usual, and thinking clearly enough to reach out. Some background: like most other adderall abusers, I have a prescription, and I have taken it for many years. The first pill I took was recreationally when my boyfriend at the time was tired of hearing me complain that I was tired during a long road trip. He decided he wanted me alert as well for the upcoming boutique clothing convention we were heading to. This was probably 7 years ago. He gave me half a pill, so it was only 5mg, and it was an instant match made in heaven. Nope, wasn't tired anymore, nor was I incensed by the idea that we were still several hours from our destination. It was the beginning of a long love affair with the deliciously destructive substance that I am still in the midst of, except I want out of this relationship. My relationship with that man ended several years ago, but I had quickly gone to see his doctor and get a prescription for my own adderall. It all started out cliché enough. I wouldn't take it everyday, hardly took the full 60mg/day dose, had ample extra and tended to only use it for study nights, book reports and when I'd be running the door at my boyfriend's electronic music events. I would go all night, fluttering here and there like a titanium butterfly; indestructible and fascinating. My personable reputation soared. I don't know at what point I started taking the full dose every day and then upping the dose. I do know that after some time it seemed I couldn't come down at the end of the day and I started drinking to knock myself out. Shortly, I had a physical dependence on alcohol. This contributed to a major meltdown and annihilated my relationship with my then boyfriend as well as my mother (whom I've always had issues with). I haven't spoken to my mom in about four years (well, one message on Facebook a year ago.... but those are deeper skeletons than this topic right now). I moved to a new city, found another doctor, and have been going to him for my prescription for three years. Fast forward to the last few months: I quit my very difficult soul-sucking job four months ago and started and completed my first round of P90x (extreme home fitness with weight-lifting!), which has changed my life dramatically. I also quit drinking two months ago. But what I haven't quit is adderall. I've quit drinking before, and had to admit myself of my own volition into detox to quit the first time because of withdrawals. But even in detox I was administered my adderall. I also have depression and am bi-polar. Recently, my doc increased my dosage of Lamictal and added Abilify to it. That helped tremendously for about a month. I didn't feel the insatiable cravings to overdo the adderall. But then my brain chemistry leveled out and I'm right back to taking four to five pills a day (prescription is 3x20 mg/day or 60 mg/day). My biggest predicament is that I have to find a job soon. I've been looking and have had interviews, but no bites yet. My fragile state of mind is beginning to resurface and my self esteem is plumetting, which is directly in relation to my dwindling supply of adderall. I've been so happy the last few months taking better care of myself, but I know there is still one monumentally gigantic obstacle to overcome before I can really transform my life; I have to quit adderall. The second I begin thinking about it, I freeze. My addictive mind takes over instead, and the stress of the idea of quitting this drug shuts my conscious mind down and I wind up overtaking it to calm me down and cause me to focus on anything other than this daunting task. I'm already four days short for the end of my prescription that I'm getting refilled December 17. The hardest part about facing this right now is that I need to be in top mental order for any new job that comes along. I haven't worked anywhere without the aid of adderall since I started taking it 7 years ago. I am terrified that I won't be able to make it through even a week at a new place without completely becoming overwhelmed. So, I already do a few things that are positive: I work out, I eat healthy, I sleep enough, I take supplements and I'm on antidepressants. I even own The Artist's Way, though when I'm off adderall, I find it nearly impossible to read and engage in the text. What I don't have is other people who identify with my struggle with adderall. The people in my life simply don't understand the grip it has on my mind and body because they've never taken it or come to depend on it. They don't know what I'm like off of it, or they do, they just haven't come to the realization that those times I don't answer my phone because I'm still sleeping are when I'm off the drug. And those are the times I'm grungy and unkempt and eat until I feel like I'm going to puke. So, I'm finally posting here. Because I know some of you are just like me and have gone through what I am going through and have faced the realization that adderall is the next addiction to overcome. Somehow it is more daunting than quitting cigarettes and alcohol, both of which were majorly difficult, but I beat them. How do I beat a drug that makes me better at mundane tasks and therefore makes me employable in most jobs? How did I take that first step, and what is the first step? How do you maintain it? What do you do if you're starting a new job and can't really be kicking a “meth†addiction at the same time? Or CAN you do that? I already know most of the answers, but I am afraid to face them. Thank you for taking the time to read this.
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