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About Shambo

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  1. Saying hello..

    It's been a little over a year since I posted. Last year I shared how I'd started supplementing by taking capsules of meth because 90 20mg pills of adderall were only lasting me a week... it's scary looking back at how odd circumstances, desperation & one foolish decision sent me reeling for 2 solid years. Never in a million years did I think this would be part of my story. I still feel a twisted sense of accomplishment that I hid everything as well as I did. But I know I'm kidding myself to an extent.. it was obvious to people that knew me, that I was wearing thin.... I thought I'd die if I stopped. I thought I'd gone too long, that the depression would make me kill myself. Through a series of crazy events, I quit the meth last July 24th, 2016. My struggle w adderall hasn't let up but I've not given up. I still come here to feel hope & faith that it'll happen for me. I know it will. Thank you to everyone who posts on this forum. It's appreciated. Good job to so many familiar members still going strong. ❤️
  2. Been a while.

    Thanks Lil. I don't understand the idea of being gentle or kind to myself when I'm choosing my wants and desires at the expense of my children and husband and life. How can I do that when I'm not on the other side of it? It baffles me that anyone would read my post and think I should be nice to myself. I'm a freaking mom. I am responsible for the emotional and physical health of my kids (each of which was planned) & I bring them into the world and check the fuck out. Yeah I have tons of self loathing but obviously not enough to stop. I'm spinning my wheels here. This is just another "running out today" post. 6 years sober- I can't imagine. That's huge. I read your story years ago and there are similarities. I hope I don't come off as attacking you with my response. Today isn't a good day for me either OBVIOUSLY. I'll try to pop in next week after I'm done crashing and not in such a pity party crappy mood. Enjoy the rest of your weekend.
  3. Been a while.

    6 years. My youngest child will be 7 soon. He's only known me as an addict. I've only known him as a need to be handled, then quickly moving on to what's next on my list, and that applies to my other kids as well. I think about that a lot. Month after month I choose adderall over my family. The huge weight of guilt and shame seem to drive me deeper and hopelessness, once it took root has proven impossible to fight. I've posted many "this is it", "I'm calling my dr" posts. But addiction runs deep and it's clever and it rages on. The last year I resorted to filling capsules with meth and took it daily for over a year. It was wonderful to finally be free of the two weeks on and two weeks off cycle. That wonderful solution didn't last long before turning into overwhelming fear of running out. I was convinced I'd kill myself from depression. I ended up trying, not succeeding and spending a week in a psych ward. It's been 4 months since I ran out & finally closed that INSANE chapter. No one knew what I was doing but my spouse and my supplier. I didn't stay up for days. I'd fall asleep without aid every night around 2am & get up every morning and do it all again. I'm sure my adrenals are toast. Towards the end I gained 10 lbs. Who gains weight on an adderall/meth diet? And sleeps? Who cares. That's over and I'm back to adderall only and killing it in a week. The other three weeks I take vitamins and Wellbutrin and do yoga and come alive. It's ok- wonderful even. I have no point really. I'm an addict. Adderall started out as the answer to my prayers. I don't drink and until the meth episode, hadn't been tempted to take anything else. It made me super for a little while but I've been a slave for years. I'm the woman in line behind you at WholeFoods. I'm chalk painting shit & going on field trips and listening to Joel Osteen on xm in the car line. My husband makes 6 figures and I have all my teeth. We go to church. I hide behind that shit. Cause really I'm a fucking loser playing a housewife. I need honesty. I need clarity. I know I'm dramatic. I'm sure this has an obnoxious tone because addiction has made everything about ME and my problem..... I guess I needed to do my yearly post and whine a bit. I love this site and subscribe to the forum. The work you guys put into replying day in and day out in addition to the work you put into life and recovery- it's gives people hope that beating this shit is possible.
  4. temper tantrums

    Zero your last comment has me in tears. It's exactly how I feel too. Let me know if you find the magic cure.
  5. temper tantrums

    I'm in no way undermining what you're sharing zero, I'm pissed at myself. I've gone from loser to pathetic and currently I rage at the smallest things. Sorry if my comment above came off insulting. I barely make sense these days.
  6. temper tantrums

    I do the same thing. My current focus is how I'm someone people want on their team cause I go to bat for people I love in a big way. But I look around and who the fuck is on my team? I'm down and out. No one is here. And I'm certain there's an AA lesson in here somewhere. This fucking sucks. Booooohoooohooooooo. And now I want to punch stuffed animals.
  7. Never Give Up!

    This has me in tears. Thank you so fucking much for writing all that out.
  8. Hey guys

  9. Survey about Relapse

    You'll never get thin without it. You'll get so much done. You'll do everything that you've been putting off and it'll be great fun. Aren't you tired of being bored and sad and tired and fat? You've already fried your brain, you're 40 and by the time whatever is left of your brain starts to function, you'll be close to menopause and bat shit crazy so why bother? Fuck it.
  10. Gamers

    I play hearthstone on my Mac and iPad... Idk a lot about console gaming and if they connect with iPads... What games do y'all play?
  11. I feel fucking fantastic

    @zerokewl Super encouraging! So proud for you!
  12. All 3 of you are right. I don't feel that my Dr would dismiss it if I was honest to his face. I spun quit the tale at my last appt and I'm sure he's on to me- hence why he wants me back in 2 months instead of 3 and tried pushing Straterra or prescribing 40mg of Addy instead of 60mg a day- I wasn't having that. I'm the obstacle. I'm the one dragging my ass and not following through. I was reading through my journals yesterday & stumbled upon 2 months in 2012 that I'd quit. It was like someone else had written it. I was fine, happy even. No depression or jonesing or tiredness mentioned at all. I didn't even mention that freaking pill until I casually relapsed. This whole situation makes me super frustrated with myself and living in near constant shame. Eventually the pain of using will be worse than the discomfort of quitting and I'll commit. Btw, I am reading the book @perullo recommended, "Shut up, stop whining & get a life". Lol! It's a ball buster and I'm loving it. Thanks for your input as always.
  13. I was reading through archives (AGAIN) and also reread my posts since my quit attempt in Nov 2013 (which failed). When I attempted a quit in April, I'd gotten the balls to call my dr office and tell the receptionist to tell my dr that I'd been abusing my meds. She told me to get my 2 remaining scripts and bring them to their office. I said ok but I didn't do it. I set fire to one script but kept the last one- it made me feel safe to have it and I thought I'd burn it a few days later- first mistake. Of course I filled it. And the feeling I had walking into the pharmacy wasn't excitement- I felt numb. I wasn't jonesing. Life was going fine. It was like I was on auto pilot. I couldn't find a reason for getting the refill. But I didn't care. I recall the strong feeling of detachment... Mistake #2. As the next appointment w my dr got closer, my addiction was focused on how I would explain the phone call in a way as not to get my meds taken away. It worked. But warning flags were raised and he wants to see me in 2 months instead of 3 & is pushing for me to lower my dose from 60 to 40..... Blah blah blah. My whole point was to say- If you are to the point of telling your dr about your abuse/addiction, in order to stop him from prescribing them to you anymore, DONT CALL- tell him face to face. I realized I can't leave any possibility for my addiction to scheme. Because I'm torturing myself by always having some sort of safety net in place. I hope this speaks to someone and it helps you get out of this freaking cycle. I gotta dust myself off and try again soon. Happy Monday guys!
  14. I've never had any health issues from stopping high doses cold turkey. I don't recall ever hearing of any dangers of stopping cold turkey, health wise. I've had quits that have been fairly smooth. And I've had quits that felt like the 7th realm of hell. I think it's mostly determined by my attitude about quitting. And Wellbutrin has helped curb excessive sleeping and depression that can come when you first quit. I have a degree in quitting but a knack for relapsing. Good luck to you. I hope she hears you and y'all get a happy ending. It can take a few attempts before quitting sticks. As long as she keeps getting back up and trying after failure, she will succeed. "Just keep swimming, swimming, swimming!:)"-Dory
  15. Articles on Adderall...