AnxiousSteve

Hello everyone, My name is Steve and I'm quitting Adderall. I can barley type this, I'm on Adderall and yet I still can't pay attention, without it I can't pay attention at all, but I realized recently that the only reason I take it at this point is to feel good. I feel like I've wasted the last four years of my life, high on Adderall, not noticing my life wasn't going anywhere. My whole college experience has been me euphorically surfing the internet and listening to music, while everyone else was out making friends, getting girlfriends, I completely isolated myself. Today I'm in basically the same position I was in when I graduated high school, except less healthy and with my teeth grinded out of the perfect alignment my braces had left them in. Like most people, after a few years of being blissfully high, tolerance started kicking in. I tried everything to slow it down but nothing really worked, after awhile I started doing an extra pill here and there. Soon, my first time without it was when I started binging on it to pull all nighters, of course it ran out early. Having no friends or "hook ups" I simply waited it out. That first week or so off merely made me appreciate Adderall more, the whole time was just a fog for me, a zombie state counting down the days until I could be awake again. Once I got my new prescription I said to myself, never again... but of course, I did it again, and again, etc. The first time I stumbled on this site I assumed it was just a crazy religious site that preached all drugs are bad, I continued searching about Adderall and how awesome it is. Roughly a year ago, as my tolerance began to be very noticeable, I googled "quitting adderall" and rediscovered this site, after reading some articles I ended up flushing my prescription down the toilet. The next day I woke up and thought to myself "shit what have I done?!? I just thought that was a good idea because I was high on Adderal! stupid website!". Finally, my third..or fourth attempt at quitting starts tomorrow, instead of doing something dramatic like flushing my prescription, I'm just gonna stop. I'm sick of myself, over the last four years I lost at least 50 pounds of muscle, weight which I worked hard for, and am now in a state of "bad skinny". What tipped me over the edge was staying up for sometimes three nights in a row, at some point I became truly numb. No empathy, no care, no feelings.. I found this state extremely disturbing. I'm back to normal after sleeping ten hours a few nights in a row, but now I'm taking it again.. I've had enough. I'de rather drift through life with ADD than speed through it with Adderall. My biggest issue with quitting is I know I'll go from mildly depressed to badly depressed, from enjoying work to suffering work, but its still worth it. I might ask my doctor for anti-depressants first. I also have to make sure I don't start drinking at all, whenever I took time off I also ended up drinking too much, like feeling drunk is the next best thing to feeling sober. Should prob. also watch my caffeine intake as well... I feel like I'm stuck, before starting Adderall I was horribly depressed and unbearably anxious. I know when I stop I'm just oing to go back to that.. but at least it will be real =( Anyway, despite recovering my soul by sleeping as much as possible, I'm still disgusted with myself. Its hard to describe how shitty I feel, like I've been in a weird hypnosis for four years. It's 3AM, on Adderall, and I'm fucking done. Anyway, I hope enjoyed my reflection/rant, thanks for reading!