mike2125

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About mike2125

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  1. I was trying to look for my old thread, but I don't know how to do it. And honestly, I'm glad I can't because that means that I'm having a brain fart and that rarely happened when I was on my adderall. Just wanted to give some of you some words of HOPE! I can't remember when I quit, but I believe it was around March or April. I had a baby daughter on March 29 and I knew at the time, to be a better father and husband, my adderall use needed to end. Anyways, I found this site at that time and it was very helpful for me to not only communicate with others that were addicted, but just to know that I wasn't ALONE. And you aren't alone. I'm not ready to demonize this drug, as I know it served it's purpose for me. I am, however, angry that my doctor was so quick to prescribe it to me without giving me any idea of what was in store for me. Which brings me to why I am here... I had a physical today with that same doctor. I had blood tests, blood pressure, etc. checked. Blood pressure was still a little high, but I'm also not working out and I've gained a few pounds the last few months. He's going through my chart and asked what meds I needed to be re-prescribed. He's going down the list and says, "Oh, looks like you're due for another script for adderall". My heart sank. That was the first time I had thought about it in months. After being on it for several years, it took a lot to get to the point I'm at today. And after I thought I had completely kicked the urge for it, the idea that I was "due for another script" brought that evil pink angel onto my shoulder. In a span of 10 seconds, I thought to myself "I can control it this time, this time you know better, this time you just take it when you need it" all the things I would tell myself before when I managed to turn a 60 day supply into a 2 week binge. Then I thought about my daughter. I have such a wonderful relationship with her now. I feel so much with her. She's 7 months now, and i love holding her, playing with her, and I know I couldn't foster those same feelings with that pill. With adderall, everything is black and white. I'm father, you're daughter and I need to read you a book,or put you on a swing, or make sure you have enough tummy time to learn to crawl. I'm tired all the time. I don't sleep much. At work, I'm not the balls to the wall employee I use to be. But I'm also not a slug. I get my job done and I'm in school also to get my real estate license. I don't need adderall. My daughter doesn't need me on adderall. My wife doesn't need a man who can't hold her hand or who constantly thinks she's cheating on him. Yeah, I feel every day of my 37 years, but at least I'm me again. I turned down the prescription and just told the doctor that I didn't need it right now and that I was on a break. I didn't want to go into detail about how this pill robbed me of 2 + years of my life, how I almost lost my relationship with my wife because of it, and how, even though I'm in the best spot I've been in years at work, I feel like a complete outcast. I've been where all of you have been. The isolation, the depression, the idea that you can't get any work done without adderall. That you can't be social without it. That you can't get that "start" to your day without it. And worst of all, I've been through that first few weeks without it. It's not the easiest thing I've had to do. It's also not the hardest. I would say it's very similar to giving up caffeine. I may get some stones thrown at me, but I've seen some very, very pessimistic views of people never getting back to normal and that the withdrawals were horribly painful. They're not that bad. The first week off for me, I felt great. It was the second week that really sent me into a nose dive. The lethargy was bad. Even 5 rockstars a day couldn't give me the energy and euphoria that adderall did. It would give me a headache and I'd still be yawning. I would say the second week, for me, was the hardest. I also experienced the depression that most people talk about. I had a feeling that my wife and daughter would be better off without me. That I was worthless. I wouldn't say I was suicidal, but I sure as shit not worried about dying either. I had read enough though, to know that what I was going through was part of giving up the drug. I knew there was a light at the end of the tunnel as long as I maintained enough will power to stay off. And I believe I was around week 4 where I felt "back to normal", meaning the brain fog was gone, I could stay awake without excessive caffeine. I was also much more social and outgoing at this point. My wife noticed that I was holding her more and being more affectionate. My sex drive came roaring back. Who would have thought at 37 I would have thought my glory days were over. Now that my bp is back around normal and my blood vessels aren't constricted, my soldier is back! I renewed my relationship with God (I know some people are non religious, that's fine, I'm not here to push religion on anyone). I considered myself an atheist for several years. I was convinced that no one or thing was going to get me through the tough times or elevate my career except for me (with adderall of course). I just want those of you who are seeking an end to this hell, there is hope. There is another side. It's OK to come back to normal. At the end of my day, I'm tired. I use to think "I need more adderall", but now, nah, I got up at 4 am, I deserve to be tired at 5 pm. You'll get through the withdrawals. I have a very addictive personality. I had issues with alcohol (made worse with adderall of course). So I know how scary it is to think that you may stop using and that you'll end up a zombie. You won't. If anything, you'll be more fun to be around. I laugh more now than I can remember. Ask yourself, if you're still using, when is the last time you laughed? I mean, had a really good laugh to where you felt it in the bottom of your gut to the shoulder blades in your back. That kind of laugh. You don't have to answer here because I know the answer. You DON'T have to live that kind of life! You CAN quit. It really is not THAT hard. The point is to not put it off any longer. If you're at the point that I was at, and you know if you are, I don't have to tell you, then go and get your bottle and flush it. Flush it away and don't give yourself more time to think. As soon as you do, you start your recovery. I'll try and remember to check back. If anyone wants to ask me anything, feel free. I don't take anything now except a cup or two of black coffee throughout the day. So don't ask if I take any "alternatives". Nothing will recreate the feeling of adderall unless it's adderall. Ritalin, Stratera, Concentra, Nuvigil, Provigil, all the other gils WILL NOT give you what adderall did. I found that out throughout the years. God bless you all. Have a good one. I'll check back later!
  2. Why adderall and work don't mix

    1. Focusing too long on one thing, inability to multitask. I always get my focus set on one project at a time. If something else comes up, it throws a wrench in things.
  3. I need help

    I hope you don't mean me! I'm still going strong. Wow, what a roller coaster this has all been! I caught a sinus infection last week also and I think it added to my misery. I went to an urgent care clinic Saturday, got a prednisone shot, and now I feel 100% better. I did not go pick up my prescription. I don't plan on it. I feel great right now. My energy levels seem to be climbing. I don't feel like I need as much caffeine to operate. I appreciate the calm feeling I have now. I just hope it continues. This is the best I've felt mentally in a long time without my pills. I feel more outgoing and joke around more at work and feel more involved with my family at home. My wife has also commented on my mood being better this week. It's just odd that even though I feel good, my craving is still there. I know I'm not anywhere close to being out of the woods yet. I have a trip planned for July (long road trip) and I already have, in my mind, the thought of having some adderall on standby to make the trip more bearable. I can't believe that trip is two months away, and instead of looking forward to time off, my first thought is still about adderall. Crazy how deep a grip this stuff has on us. Keep me in your prayers and thoughts and trust me, I keep you all in mine. This website does keep me going. I hope that one day I can put this stuff behind me.
  4. I need help

    You hit the nail on the head with that. I think because it wasn't so hard early on, I thought I wouldn't have a problem kicking it. Now I'm dealing with the drag of reality. I told myself, I think like everyone else does, to expect to feel like this. To feel sluggish and without energy. It's a whole different ball game when it's happening. I still haven't picked up my prescription. I just know if I do, I won't destroy it. I'll end up filling it. It's times like this that I wish I had never, ever used it. I feel horrible for suggesting to coworkers that they try it. I can only hope they aren't in the same way I am. Don't get me wrong. I don't feel shitty. I feel normal. I feel like how everyone else looks. Instead of being able to work every waking moment of the day, I'm just able to get enough stuff done to not feel like a loaf. I don't feel like sleeping all the time. I just don't feel like I can run through walls anymore. I'll keep you all updated. Thanks again for keeping up with me!
  5. I need help

    Today is day 28. I definitely felt a huge drag from about day 20 to now. I'm not sure though if this is what normal feels like (normal for a father of a 2 month old who still doesn't sleep longer than 4 hours at a time). I broke and called my doc for another script. It's waiting for me but I still haven't gone to pick it up. Rereading my last entry is kind of depressing. I know I am not as upbeat now as I was then. I'm still working out, still trying to stay active, but I'm noticing a lack of motivation, creativity, and desire. I've been drinking energy drinks like nobody's business. The caffeine overload does more harm than anything else. I don't really feel awake, just very anxious and wound up. Ugh. I know I spoke too soon the last time. I keep telling myself one day at a time. I also tell myself that I will get over this hump. I'm tempted to go pick up the script and just shred it. That way I would be forced to take the next two months off. I just know that I won't be strong enough to do it. I'm open to advice. I'm still on my supplements. Thanks for reading. I hope that the next post I make won't be me starting my days without adderrall over again.
  6. I need help

    Hey everyone, still here. Just haven't had a whole lotta time to get on and give my profress. I'm now on day 15. Days 3 through 5 were definitely the most difficult. But I'll be very honest, after that, I felt...normal. I haven't had any issues with depression, energy deprivation, loss of desire to do stuff, etc. Work is going well, I'm happy most of the time. I attribute all that, though, to my little girl. I may not have notice the loss of energy cause I don't think ANYONE has energy when they have a 6 week old around. I really feel blessed that I'm doing as well as I am right now. I haven't craved it and I know it's odd. I try my best not to think about it because I know it's an easy phone call to my doctor away (he thinks adderrall is a wonder drug). I will keep you all posted. I don't want to get to lackadaisical about it. I know I have to still make the conscious effort to stay away because I know I will justify getting another script by thinking that this time was easy coming off, it'll be just as easy next time when I "really quit". I'm on a lot of supplements that I really think are helpful. L tyrosine, p5p, magnesium, zinc, vitamin c, and B12 have been a great addition and I feel has made a huge difference.
  7. I need help

    Yesterday was the first day that it hit me pretty hard not having it. Right around noon I was dragging and just overall felt like crap. My wife and I were at a Farmer's Market and we had our daughter with us. I was carrying her the whole time and it took every ounce of energy to keep up a smile and act like my normal self. I know it's temporary and I've already made peace with the idea that this was going to be a part of the process. We sat down for lunch and I ate a lean meal, but man it just hit me like a ton of bricks when we sat down. I had nothing to talk about. I was totally uninvolved in the conversation. When we got home, I fell asleep for about 3 hours. Today hasn't been much better. I drank an energy drink this morning before church. It helped initially, but after about 30 minutes, I started to drag again. I'm going to hit the gym right now. Hopefully some weightlifting and cardio will get me out of this funk. I've quit before (obviously unsuccessfully) and I remember going through this for about 2 weeks. I just never remember it being as hard as it is in the moment. I'm a fairly driven person though. I know that being dependent on a pill for my happiness and just being normal isn't the way I want to live my life. That's what's keeping me going. I know coming out on the other end will be worth it. It's just this dark tunnel part that really kicks my ass. I'm also starting a new job tomorrow and it's funny how worried I am that I won't be able to perform the way I normally would when I have a full 60 pill bottle of addy's in my cabinet. That's the part that I hate the most. The new job I have is something I got because of work I've done for 12 plus years and now I feel like I can't do it because I don't have my pills. I keep telling myself that it's all in my head. I know it is. Getting myself to believe it is another story entirely. Thank you all again for the support. I know I don't know you individually, but the hell we all feel is what unites us. And that's something that I think makes me closer to you all than my own wife. She's never known addiction. She's someone who can have one beer and stop. I'm the kind that buys a case and finishes it. I'm all about extremes. She doesn't understand why I struggle. You all do. You are all walking in the same shoes I am. So thank you.
  8. I need help

    Well, today wen't by pretty smooth. I had taken 90mgs the day prior, so I'm assuming there's still a good amount of adderall still floating around in my system keeping me afloat. I took 1 l tyrosine on an empty stomach as well as some zing and magnesium. I'm going to do my best to keep my caffeine intake to minimum. I didn't feel like I needed it today, so I had none. I had no real physical craving, but definitely had the emotional/mental cravings. It wasn't hard to fend off, but I keep thinking about 3, 4 days from now when the withdrawal is really kicking in. I'm also upping the intensity on my workout routines. I'll keep everyone posted. But so far, so good. I am ready for bed.
  9. I need help

    Thanks for the positivity. I always do well when I am held accountable to others. And that's why I'm on this board. I've been reading through it now for a few months. I want people to know that I'm going to quit, because I know other people on this board will keep me honest. I don't want to have to come back on to this board and admit to messing up. I know it's a bumpy road, but I'll manage it. Thank you!
  10. I need help

    I've been on Adderall, off and on, more on than off, for about 2 years now. Originally, it was prescribed to me when i was studying to take a promotional exam. The doc prescribed 30mgs x 2 a day. He said I should be able to get by on 30, but I could take the 60 if necessary. At the time, I thought I had found the cure to my life's woes. At first, I aced my exam, my work productivity skyrocketed. I was the life of the party. I could drink all night long and wake up the next day, pop a football, and be back to normal. I don't know when I started to notice the slide. I just remember being irritable all the time. I use to always want to be somewhere socially, and all of a sudden I became an introvert. I preferred staying home. I cut off friendships. I convinced myself that I had different values than them and that this was just a part of life. That being alone, isolated, and away from the world was normal as we age. At work, I did great at my job, but had absolutely no friends. I ate lunch by myself. My relationship with my girlfriend began to dwindle. I was one of the unfortunate ones whose adderall use severely interefered with my ability to get an erection. So our sex life took a huge nose dive. I had convinced her I was too distracted by work to have a healthy sex life. Looking back its sad that I chose a pill over sex. If that doesn't say addiction, what does? I also have had moderate high blood pressure most of my adult hood. It would hover around 140/90. After regular use, i would check it and it was not uncommon to be 160/110. I was place on hbp meds. Mind you, I'm very physically fit, I work out Crossfit several days a week. I can run a 5k in under 21 minutes. So having those kind of numbers were upsetting to me, but not enough to quit. I just had my first daughter in late March. I hate to be cheesy, but one look at her and I knew my adderall days are numbered. I can't be a good father for her while I'm on this crap. It makes me feel like a robot. I want to be healthy and happy. And that begins here, with quitting this junk.