IMSTAS

Hello bluemoon. I know how you feel about the loss of time. I think of those years as the dark years-when I started adderall I was young and now I'm almost 40. Not only did I lose that time-I created so much debt that I have to file for bankruptcy. In New York, there was a serious shortage of adderall and dextroamphetamine. I had 2 different doctors and used insurance (which still sucked) for less than half of my scripts and I somehow managed to obtain 3-4 prescriptions a month. For about a year, adderall or dex cost anywhere from $130-$320. The $320 was for vyvanse because they jacked the price of any stimulant you could get your hands on. And I paid that!! I hated myself every time I did it but I couldn't live without it. Not only that but I had a good paying freelance job in the city and they eventually didn't ask me back because I'd come in late or leave early to track down scripts. I'd call in sick whenever I had periods of withdrawal. I screwed myself and my family and at that time, I had accepted that I would never be able to quit that crap and would probably only live a few more years anyway. I felt that my son would be better off without me. As I said before, I'm still cleaning up the mess I made 2 years later but I had to forgive myself. I was able to do that because I finally took back control and now I am physically and emotionally capable of doing it without needing a pile of pills. Recovery does take a ridiculously long time and I know how it feels to be almost 3 months in and still feel like shit. That's probably what causes people to relapse because they think they feel that way forever. I had a friend who abused amphetamines as badly as I did and for about the same length of time and he stopped 6 months or so before I did. I didnt know about this website but thankfully i had someone to tell me that I will return to normal-it just takes a while. Without knowing that, I'm almost positive I would have gone back to taking it. Forgive yourself-you took back control. You can't change whats already happened but your on the upswing. Next year you'll think back to where you are now and you'll be thrilled to realize that you don't feel that way anymore-that adderall no longer has a hold on you!!!!

BTW bluemoon, how have you been doing?

Totally. Until you come clean to your doctor, your leaving yourself an open door to return to. Also, the first week or two of quitting is the hardest part-for me anyway. Your subjecting yourself to that initial intense withdrawal over and over again. Based on your post, you've gone through some crazy stuff and yet you've come out on the other side. Let adderall become something of the past so one day you can look back on this whole experience as another tough time that you've conquered and lived to talk about!

I didn't experience any nausea.

Damn-I feel old. I'm in my 30s! It's so great that you guys are getting it together before things get worse because one thing I know for sure-the older you get the bigger your problems become. I was so ashamed to open up to family and friends about how badly I was abusing that shit. I'm a college graduate with a kid and a house and I quit my good paying job to start my own business and spend more time with my son. Adderall squashed both of those plans and I ended up draining my bank account and maxing out multiple credit cards and spent far too many years living like a vampire and always being too busy to spend time with my son. I've been slowly rebuilding my life but not a day goes by where I don't feel guilt and regret over those wasted years of running on a treadmill and getting nowhere. So don't turn back guys. You're taking control before things get any worse and you'll have the experience and the sense of strength that this struggle will provide you with to use in making future decisions. And as a mother, I can assure you that your parents will be relieved to know what's been going on with you and proud of you for putting an end to it!

Happy holidays to everyone too!

Dealing with a harsh winter will definitely weigh you down. I feel like New York winters are endless so I can't imagine riding out a winter in northern Canada! Bluemoon-I too have dealt with depression before adderal completely took me down. Once I quit my doc put me on Wellbutrin. It doesn't always work the same for everyone but it did seem to help me a bit with my level of energy. I know other people didn't react well to it so you'd have to talk to your doc but I figured I'd make the suggestion.

Maybe it would take some pressure off you bluemoon if you share what your going through with your boyfriend. I too didn't want to feel that sense of obligation to pretend nothing was wrong. I told the people close to me but spared them the details of how badly I abused it or the lengths I went to and the money I spent to get it. Just telling them I had been taking it as prescribed and that I want to stop because I don't like how it's affected me was a huge load off my shoulders. And when I told people they said-oh, that is what's been wrong with you these past 5 years. They were relieved to learn that there was an explanation for my behavior before and after quitting. Just a suggestion. As far as the long term anhedonia, it does begin to ease up so the next year or two won't suck every day but you will continue to see improvement throughout that time. For adderallics anonymous, I don't think your 15 years of use will make your recovery harder. I took a daily dose of 300-400 mg for years and I thought it was going to make it much harder to bounce back but it seems like everyone's experience on here is similar regardless of time used or amount used. One thing I have to say to you guys who are still in the first few months of recovery is that it's a great sign that you make the effort to keep up with discussions on this forum. Putting together a cohesive sentence in the beginning for me required a level of effort that I just couldn't muster up.

I'll be honest, it took quite awhile-several months. I quit around the same time of year as you and I'm not sure where you live but I think some of the blah-ness I felt was because I was riding out an entire New York winter. It took me about a year to feel like I was getting back to normal. Don't stress though cause it may be much quicker for you. based on what I've read about other people's initial withdrawal experience, it seemed that it took me much longer to even stay awake for more than 8 hours a day in the beginning. I also wasn't working at the time and I think that caused me a bit of extra depression. I was amazed to read that some people were getting through 50 hour work weeks so soon after quitting. One thing I can tell you is you won't feel that absence of interest forever even if it feels like it. You've gotten through the hardest part so keep going. I don't know if I mentioned it yet but journaling about my progress seemed to help because it helped me realize that I was improving even when I thought I wasn't.

Oh, and Kudos bluemoon on your ability to still work 45-50 hours a week. I really don't think I could have done it in the beginning. It's no wonder your exhausted. If you were like me, you probably lost so much sleep when you were on adderall so getting some extra sleep now until your energy levels begin to increase is fine in my opinion.

Hang in there. My experience was similar. The best way I can explain it is that it's similar to going to the gym to lose weight and get in shape. The first couple of weeks your super motivated and you feel good but you get to week 3 and you've only lost 2 pounds. You've worked hard and want to be much closer to your goal weight but you know in reality that a pound a week is considered a healthy rate of weightloss and that if you stick with it you will get to where you want to be. The first noticeable improvement seems to come after the first few weeks because it takes about that long for the drug to get out of your system. So you've worked through the chemical dependence but the psychological dependence definitely takes more time to get through-at least thats how it worked for me. I don't remember if you mentioned how long you took adderall for. I think the the psychological dependence takes longer to work through the longer you were on it. It's great to hear that you don't have any plans to start taking adderall again. Progress may seem slow but it is still happening. And don't push yourself in the beginning to do too much. If you have a day without anything of importance to do then take it easy. One of the things I remember struggling with for awhile was what I now know is referred to as anhedonia-finding little or no enjoyment in doing things that you used to like. I slept a lot because I had no interest in reading, looking up random stuff online, playing games on my phone, listening to music and especially any house chores. I was convinced that I'd feel that way forever but it didn't. There was one thing I did know for sure though-that I could find temporary, immediate relief if I took a few pills but it wouldn't stop there and eventually I'd be taking enormous amounts on a daily basis and would end up needing to quit again. There was no way I was going to redo that hellish first week of constant sleep or lose whatever progress I had made until that point and I'm glad because now I'm free. There were many times during my first year or so where I was pretty sure that the way I felt even on difficult days was the happiest I was ever going to be and even though it's far better than where i started, it's still not enough but you continue to grow and reflect on how you felt back then and you feel psyched about the fact that you've improved so much more since. So just keep on going

I was also embarrassed to tell my family and friends how bad my addiction and dependence became-I had never even told anyone I was taking adderall in the first place. But I didn't want to worry about hiding my recovery process because that would have added more stress to an already difficult situation. When I decided to quit, I told my family that I was taking it as prescribed by my doctor but it's a difficult drug to stop taking-which is totally true. It was prescribed to you and you don't feel it's safe anymore-you should be proud that your making a decision to better your life and health. I think it's also important to come clean with your doctor. I'm sure it won't be the first time they've heard such a confession. Not telling the doctor leaves that door open.

I agree with FKADDERALL-trying to go back to taking it as prescribed or having a few fun days here and there is going to cause you pain each time. I also stopped drinking about 7 years ago and I tried every conceivable method for reducing or regulating my drinking and it was absolute torture. I think my addicted mind makes most things an all or nothing situation. I knew this about myself when I decided to quit adderall so I knew weaning off was not the best way-at least for me anyway. I think it's generally suggested to wean off adderall but most of you guys in this conversation seem to no longer be reliant on a huge daily dose anymore. the first few days of withdrawal are the worst-try to remember that when you are on the verge of taking a few. Don't give up those days just to redo them again and again. Every day without adderall is another step up and out of that adderall hellhole!

My problem was staying awake. I slept for the first 6 days after I quit-only getting up to eat maybe once a day. My sleep didn't regulate fully until I started working and following a consistent schedule. I have never had the discipline to follow a routine unless I have to!

Hello again. I apologize for not sending a message the next day. I realized I wrote more than I had originally thought but I still wanted to follow up my last response. I'll share with you some of my story. My stimulant use began with one 70mg vyvanse daily and, over time, I moved on to a few doses of either dextroamphetamine or adderall daily. During the last 2 years or so of my 7 years of use I was taking 320-400mg every day and even that was no longer cutting it. I hated what I had become on that crap. I isolated myself, i barely left my house, rarely talked to or spent time with my family and none at all with friends because I always had to "get stuff done." The worst part of this was that I became too busy for my little boy. I rarely slept and as those around me put it- I basically lived the life of a vampire. And even though I spent years constantly getting things done, ironically I accomplished nothing. I had started taking the medication because I really do have ADHD but as my dosage increased, my symptoms worsened and I jumped from task to task from idea to idea. Eventually I went from "getting things done" to living a life that basically evolved around adderall. Since my prescriptions typically only lasted for about a week, I was already developing a plan to obtain more about 3 days after I refilled. My lies and scheming helped me maintain this dosage pretty consistently for almost 2 years but I had eventually exhausted every trick in the book as well as my monetary funds so I began facing more frequent and longer durations of time without any meds. Withdrawal was like living death, like being in a coma. I could not live without it though and I assumed that I would very prematurely die because of this crap-I almost welcomed it. I'll skip ahead to when I lost one of my key sources for adderall and/or dex. Prescription laws changed so I would have to become accustomed to a regular dosage of I think 80mg a day. I tried my best but the farthest I could stretch a prescription was about 10-12 days and it was torture. My brain could not function on this amount. For awhile I still managed to get an earlier prescription but that came to an end when my excuses came to an end and just before thanksgiving 2013, I was in for an over 2 week period of time without meds. Needless to say, I was terrified. I knew what hell withdrawal was but I finally decided that it was time to take back control of my life. What was I going to do-go through withdrawal and put my life on hold for 2 weeks, refill, run out in less than 2 weeks again, go through withdrawal for 2 more weeks in an endless cycle of torture? At that point I came clean with my family and even my son because I knew I needed to be able to work through my withdrawal without having to field questions as to why I have dropped off the face of the earth or why I slept all day. I didn't go in to detail as to how badly I was abusing this medication. I just said I've been taking a medication for some time now and I don't like how it's affected my life over the last few years. I'm going to quit but be warned that it is not going to be easy and that they need to be patient with me. To not call constantly to make sure I'm alright. I assured them that I will eventually be all right but it's going to take time and worrying about returning calls will only make it more stressful. I'm not going to lie and say it was easy. It was pretty much the hardest thing I've ever had to do though I've read about the experiences of others who have quit and for some, the process was much quicker. I will tell you this. I have hope now where before there was none. I can wake up everyday without pills and live my life with a clear mind. I sleep like a normal human being though I won't lie, I do still like to stay up a bit later when I can-I've always been a night person! But best of all is that I am present and available for my now 11 year old son. I'm still a work in progress even two years later but progress means I'm working toward a future. A future that up until recently did not really exist for me. As I said in my last message-if you have had enough of being controlled by your dependence on stimulants then you can successfully quit. It's sounds like you have family and friends available to you but you just need to share with them some of what your going through and ask them to simply support your recovery. I'd love to hear how your doing and will check back on this discussion for any updates. If you have any other questions, I'd try my best to answer them so question away. Best of luck to you and hopefully we'll hear more from you on this site in the near future