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Everything posted by Thanatos

  1. Quitting after 6 years

    Hi all, It’s hard to believe that I posted on this forum roughly 4 years ago about quitting and I’m still here trying to stop. I started taking Adderall 10mg once a day in grad school and now prescribed 15 mg once a day. I think the stress, my eating habits, and the booze made me exhibit ADHD-like symptoms and I mistook that for having the supposed “disorder”. Over the last 4 years or so, this drug has made me into someone I don’t recognize and I have to stop. Well, today is the day. I am out of pills, on a 7 day vacation, and can think of no better time to start my journey (uphill climb) than today. I have a prescription and was going to fill it this morning but decided against it. I just feel this overwhelming sense that now is the time to quit for good. I’m not going to sugarcoat the difficulty of this decision; I am fearful and anxious about my ability to do my job at the level I need to do it, but the pills have made me into a work zombie and I’m just tired of it. I don’t feel joy or feel really anything anymore. I am concerned that my overall health is truly being affected in a negative way by it. I have lurked on this forum for years and your stories and encouragement have inspired me to even consider getting clean of this poison. Thanks for that. There is so much to say but I just wanted to at least get this out there. Thanks for reading. Here we go. Thanatos
  2. Tiredofit

    @TiredofitHow is it going? Did you ever take the step? I can totally relate to how your feeling. I have just recently quit and am also worried about many things but we can do this!
  3. Quitting after 6 years

    Thank you, DrewK15. Your advice is extremely helpful. I am going to focus on sleep and positive thinking this week. I wish you all the best on your journey of recovery as well.
  4. What motivates you to stay clean?

    This is a great thread. Here are my top three motivations for quitting. 1.) Anhedonia - I want to feel genuine enjoyment again in life activities. I want to feel real happiness again. 2.) Family - I want my kids and wife to know and love me as I truly am, not the false self created by artificially manipulated dopamine levels. 3.) Work - I want to feel genuine pride in my work knowing that I have reached my goals due to my own persistence, hard work, and determination.
  5. Quitting after 6 years

    @DrewK15 also, I did only stick to my prescribed dose and just recently upped my dosage from 10-15mg. It still has had such an profound influence on my personality. As some smart individual (can’t remember who) said recently on the forums, Adderall makes your moments easier, but your life more difficult. That is what it did to me. I have two young kids and an amazing wife and I want to be the best I can be for them. They deserve it.
  6. Quitting after 6 years

    Many thanks for the welcome and words of encouragement, DrewK15! Booze was definitely a problem for me until I quit it cold turkey over a year ago. I would drink in the evenings to ease the comedown, get horrible sleep, then take my pill to deal with the hangover. It was a vicious cycle and one that I am extremely grateful and proud to be out of. I am concerned that, even with the relatively low dose, quitting the pills will be more difficult than quitting booze. Pills gave me the “feeling” of success. It wasn’t real. It was an illusion. Though I know that intellectually, emotionally I am worried that I won’t be able to produce that feeling on my own. I never had this concern with respect to quitting booze. At any rate, I am NOT going back. I already snapped in a fit of rage at something a family member said today and it was followed by a crazy ordeal. It was so uncharacteristic of me. I hope this anger and rage passes soon. I don’t want to say or do something I’ll regret. I feel I am more emotional off of pills but am not sure if that is just a symptom of withdrawals. Thanks so much again for reaching out, DrewK15. It is so helpful and comforting to know there are others out there who understand and can offer wise council. Thanatos
  7. Adderall and Decision Fatigue

    Occasional: I know what you mean about overthinking on adderall. There were certain scenarios when I would massively overthink when I was on it and that is when I took technical tests (e.g. statistics exams) with time pressure. In this situation, I tended to do worse than I would off adderall. Yet, this was not a general effect. Without time pressure I felt that I could conduct the math aspects of my research without mulling too long over different possibilities. I also agree with what you are saying about the importance of intuition. It is precisely here where I felt that adderall increased the confidence in my information processing and, by consequence, augmented the efficiency of my decision making (lessening decision fatigue). You are right, the lack of confidence and efficiency in my decision making is what I must confront now that I'm off adderall. Thanks so much for your response. AlwaysAwesome: I wonder to what extent distractability is confounded by decision fatigue? At any rate, everything I do feels like a huge accomplishment right now. lol Cassie: I do need a big kick in the ass right now. I took a look at Pressfield's books and I am going to order the War of Art. Thanks for the recommendation.
  8. One benefit that I feel that I received from adderrall was lessening the amount of information processing required to make a decision. In brief: it helped me make my decisions more efficiently and confidently. Now, this is not necessarily a good thing. My decision may have been of low quality but because I made it more efficiently (using less cognitive resources) I did not feel as fatigued by the end of the day. Read about decision fatigue here: I think this lessening of decision fatigue may be an overlooked factor in the appeal of adderall. It is not simply a CNS stimulant that provides a jolt physiologically (so to speak), but tends to decrease the amount of information processing required for people to make decisions, lessening fatigue. Well, since I am not going back to adderall, I have started to think about ways of managing decision fatigue in my own life and here are two ways I have come up with. 1.) Schedule --> I need to automate as many decisions in my life as possible. I need a rigid morning and evening routine such that I make most of the small decisions effortlessly and without expending precious cognitive resources. 2.) Meditation --> The mechanism of returning to the present moment when my mind begins to wonder will help me to process decision relevant information more efficiently. This should also decrease decision fatigue. Some questions for you folks: Have you struggled with decision fatigue? How has daily structure helped lessen it? Have you tried meditation, and did it help with decreasing it?
  9. 20 days free

    Many thanks, Occasional01!
  10. 20 days free

    It has been rough but I have now gone 20 days without adderall and feeling very good about that.Thank you folks for your encouragement. Sleep, coffee, monster energy drinks, the ocean, fitness, and good music are getting me through.
  11. Adderall and Decision Fatigue

    I can't deny that it worked and it worked for me right up until I quit. Like Mike though, I didn't like the idea that my colleagues were able to do excellent work and didn't need a drug to do it. I know that I am able to overcome any work obstacle (e.g. decision fatigue) without the adderall crutch. I just have to change my life.
  12. Adderall and Decision Fatigue

    Nah, I was on it for 3+ years. I didn't really go through a "honeymoon phase" and never took more than 10 mg a day. I did take it pretty consistently though. I couldn't agree more with your second sentence. :-)
  13. Adderall and Decision Fatigue

    That is interesting Cassie. No doubt people are affected in different ways by adderall depending on their personality. I am the kind of person who, when not on adderall, by nature overanalyzes and overinterprets everything from writing an email to interpersonal interaction. Adderrall tended to make me calm and decreased my tendency to mull over information relevant to a decision. If I had a good idea I would just write it down. If I wanted to go somewhere, I just went. I didn't overthink it. In terms of considering my daily decisions as inconsequential, that is the exact kind of thinking I am trying to change. I tend, when not on adderall, to think extremely abstractly and conceptually, without paying attention to how the day-to-day small decisions add up to be very consequential. I am glad that my EF will return over time. :-) Thanks for the response.
  14. 20 days free

    Thank you AlwaysAwesome. It really is amazing. The taste of freedom is palpable and it keeps me going. I'm aware there is a long road ahead but it's the only true path for me. :-)
  15. Adderall and Decision Fatigue

    Haha...I know that feeling all too well, AlwaysAwesome. Once decision fatigue reaches its limit, I'm done making good, hard choices. :-)
  16. 20 days free

    Thanks so much, grumpycat!
  17. Cutting Morning Dose

    The mornings have been the most difficult for me. Two things have helped. One is the recognition that I am simply not going to feel as alert first thing in the morning as I felt when I took an amphetamine. For people who don't take drugs, waking up is a process and I have had to accept that it will take time to get going. Second, I have a VERY strong cup of coffee first thing in the morning and then an energy drink a couple of hours later.This helps some with the grogginess. Don't get me wrong though it does not change the fact that you will not feel (to some degree) zooked like you did on adderall. It has, however, helped me survive the morning. Good luck.
  18. Impact of Stress on Recovery

    Hi IFIHADKNOWN, Just want to mention that I by no means meant to indirectly suggest that you should quit your job. Just trying to empathize, share a similar experience, and mention some of the research i've done on this topic. Best wishes on your journey of sobriety.
  19. Impact of Stress on Recovery

    Hi INIHADKNOWN, I can definitely empathize. As someone in academia, I feel constant stress around performing at a very high level. The stress can be nearly debilitating to my sense of focus; a necessary requirement as I deal with large data sets and statistical analysis. There is empirical evidence that high stress can definitely affect attention, focus, and levels of fatigue. This makes recovery all the more difficult. Hang in there.
  20. Want to quit

    Thanks so much for the question, LILTEX41. I would love to say that I kept my promise to myself to quit cold turkey, but I buckled under the pressure related to the start of the semester. I did commit though to a tapering schedule such that I will reduce my dose by half every two weeks until I am no longer taking it. My ultimate goal is to have it eliminated completely from my system by valentine's day. I think the reason I decided against going cold turkey is I have an job interview on Friday and I just don't trust my CNS to respond appropriately under the stress of the interview. I had a phone interview a couple of months back and I quit adderall a few days before and the results were not good. I was shaking, dry mouth, and going off on theoretical tangents when normally I am a calm person who enjoys conversation. This is one of things I hate so much about this drug, I can never trust myself when I am on it or off it and so consequently can never be totally comfortable in my own skin. I can't wait to be completely free of it. By the way, just want to say that the # of years you've been off adderall is impressive and an inspiration. :-)
  21. Want to quit

    Hi all, I have been lurking on this forum for quite some time now and have drawn much encouragment and comfort from many of the posts that I have read. Thank you all for what you contribute. I have been taking adderall for roughly 2 years never exceeding 10 mg. Though prescribed for adhd, I know that it only creates the fascade of success. It has helped in some areas, but has also tended to make me a person devoid of genuine openness and feeling towards others. Life has become flat and colorless. As a grad student who is in his final semester of a doctoral program, I feel a constant pressure to be productive, making the prospect of quitting difficult to entertain. Yet, on the most basic level I know that I must quit. The very essence of who I am depends on it. I begin tomorrow morning to become the real me with all the imperfections that come from living in this mortal body in time.