idontcare

Day 25 confirmed. Almost there.

I took Provigil again today in the form of the unscheduled, legal Adrafinil. Took a slightly higher dose, but still not over the basic dose guidelines. I can't say it's "habit forming" per se, but like Wellbutrin, antidepressants and most drugs in general, your body could no doubt become dependent on it with consecutive use. But, since there is no euphoria or feel good sensation, there is no compulsion to take more than needed, redose, or even take everyday. Now... there are a few reports I've read where people get mood lifts and end up hooked on Provigil. I'm not a doctor and I'm certainly not suggesting you get on any medication, but it's worth researching cautiously.

I'm really interested in this thread. I hope someone responds because I'm an artist and a musician just hoping I'll eventually get that spark back. Intellectual, artistic -- pretty much the same as they both require energy and a certain level of creativity.

"If you gained 50 pounds in a year, you wouldn't expect to be able to lose it in a month, would you?" Without speed, no haha.

Out of your system in 30 days? Are they high? Amphetamine's half life only allows it to stay in your system for about a day. ^^ Cassie, do you really find Provigil addictive? I tried Adrafinil for the first time today and I must say, I'm underwhelmed (in a good way). There is zero euphoria or recreational value. It just flat out doesn't make me feel good, just not tired. I'd be interested in your reasoning for stating it's a risk. I'm assuming there are minor dopamine reuptake inhibition properties but I don't feel, as far as mood boost, much different than popping a few L-tyrosine capsules (which is borderline placebo).

Day 24 confirmed. Got a little relapsey yesterday but I defeated the cravings.

Congrats on week 1! Day 23 confirmed. Feeling energetic, more like jittery and annoying, but also depressed and stuck in the past.

I'm getting a small amount of Adrafinil in the mail today. Gonna give that a shot. I heard tree is no euphoria or recreational value so I'm not worried about getting addicted. I got such a small amount that I wouldn't have the time to get hooked anyway. If it feels "good," I'll know not to order anymore.

Yeah, paired with DL-phenylalanine (which is a precursor to Tyrosine). I'm also taking L-theanine with caffeine. Didn't notice much of a different so far, probably because I'm used to bombarding my receptors with speed.

Day 22 and hating it!

Hey, thanks for asking. All is ok I guess. 22 days clean. It's getting harder for me. It seems paradoxical in a way. I started feeling great at about 2 weeks, but now I'm declining further into lethargy and depression. Nothing I haven't struggled with before amphetamine I suppose. That was a huge reason I got on them to begin with. It's getting tougher and tougher to distinguish between my shitty normal life and amphetamine withdrawal everyday. I'm goin' for it. Fucking with supplements and trying to be healthier is more of a priority than going back to the pill. I have to at least give myself a shot at being clean.

Yes... I remember finally sleeping after being up for days recording music and then waking up in agony, barely able to hold a cup of coffee. I already had tendinitis from drumming (I was really young, self taught with bad technique). Anyway, I guess I'm on day 17 now. My mood is pretty blah. Not worse, but not better either. I hardly feel like I'm in withdrawal anymore. Just bored and uninspired, I suppose. I just ordered a bunch of supplements to possibly speed up the replenishment of neurotransmitters so I can just get on with my fucking life again.

Whether or not we get better requires no faith. That's the beauty of science. The brain is plastic and our receptors will upregulate over time. The part where faith comes in is believing that we can get through the often slow and grueling process. Congratulations on getting this far. I've got a long way to go, I feel.

Thanks! I'm 16 days clean today. I picked up my guitar and attempted to write music yesterday for the first time in weeks. That felt huge, and strange. I know people love to trash amphetamine here and talk about how it stifles creativity, but I wrote like a fucking champion on it. I was able to shit out awesome riffs and arrange entire songs in one session (a very unhealthy 14 hour session). Listening back on the songs I wrote, I know it will be hard to write the same without dexedrine. That doesn't mean it won't be as good, just different. I'm likely never gonna replicate that manic, sleep deprived flow where I'm not even doing work, but letting my subconscious take the reins and just do it. My work on amphetamine was surprisingly not all that detail oriented. I just went with it (something I could never do while sober). I'm ok with that. I think once I get healthy and "free," I'll still utilize occasional sleep deprivation (minus the drugs) for inspiration and being able to not over analyze everything. When I picked up my guitar yesterday, nothing amazing or interesting happened. It was just fun, unproductive play, something I need after burning myself out so hard for a year straight.

14 days sober tomorrow! Kinda wanna pop a dexedrine to do my taxes, clean and handle my obligations, but I want to do those things even more WITHOUT amphetamine!

Thanks for the reply. I've tried the SSRI route with Zoloft. It stopped working and the withdrawal was shitty. I hated the brain zaps and I'm convinced that it fucked me up in some ways, as I never really had addiction issues until I quit... Serotonin imbalance is a far slower recovery than dopamine so I won't touch SSRI's with a ten foot pole. I did Adderall until that wore me down, then I moved to pure dextroampetamine since I responded poorly to the levo-amphetamine in the Adderall. It was definitely more helpful, but I inevitably ran into similar problems minus the extreme rage and edginess. I've tried Concerta once and didn't care for it. My younger brother was on Concerta back in grade school and he got horrific side effects so I'd prefer not to use methylphenidate based stimulants. I've tried Modafinil once but the dose may have been too low. I've also tried nootropics like Sunifiram, Noopept, Phenylpiracetam and D-phenylethylamine/Hordenine with somewhat underwhelming results. I'm not sure if there is any type of cross tolerance, but I may give nootropics another shot. I'm seeing my psychiatrist soon to discuss potentially getting on Modafinil or Wellbutrin, but part of me just wants to not rely on meds. I know, I know... stubbornness and high expectations. My psychiatrist certainly didn't "push" my meds on me and I trust that she has my best interest in mind. I was pleasantly surprised that she supported my idea to drastically reduce my dexedrine dose and eventually quit. I'm gonna see what she says. I only hope she doesn't tempt me with the whole "well, we could put you on a more gentle amphetamine based med like Vyvanse." Fuck... Sometimes I get caught up in this idea that maybe some people just ought to be on amphetamine to function and thrive in the world. But the moment I start thinking about how much bullshit the whole esteem/performance based self value is, I contradict myself with "No... fucking NO ONE should spend their whole life on amphetamine." I can't find many amphetamine success stories. Hypothetically, if I were to try a methylphenidate med, would that set back my recovery much? I know they operate differently; amphetamine being similar to methamphetamine, and methylphenidate being similar in structure to cocaine. I think I owe it to myself to at least experience a few months of sobriety before making a decision like this, if not longer. If my work life falls apart, then maybe I'll consider it. Good call on the exercise. I know I have the energy. I just have to fucking do it.

It will be two weeks clean this Thursday. I feel no lack of energy. Quite the opposite, actually. It's fucking annoying. I'm like a 12 year old boy in the body of a 29 year old. I am overflowing with energy but I lack the motivation to direct it anywhere. Everything seems stupid and not worth doing. No joy, no fun, no anything. It's a real bummer when you actually have ADHD, yet feel like shit taking amphetamine. When I'm on it, I feel great for the first week. I execute everything I do flawlessly and am on top of my shit. After the first week comes the depersonalization and the nihilism. I become less of a husband and more of an ego. But when I'm off of it, I'm annoying, overly chatty, irresponsible and hyper. I'd go as far to say people would be more likely to think I'm tweaking when I'm not on my medicine (once I get past the 3 day tiredness and depression). I most certainly feel healthier and my skin is already noticeably better. I gained 6 pounds of much needed weight in a week. I hope I can figure out a way to channel this energy into something constructive soon.

Restless I have all this pent up energy since quitting, but lack the motivation to focus it on ANYTHING.

"Adderall is intrinsic to my self confidence." Seems like that statement is gonna be more important than withdrawing from the drug itself. You need (we need) to figure out how to be happy with ourself for who we are, as opposed to what we do. Esteem based value almost always crashes and burns if it isn't corrected, because it is the most delusional, narcissistic type of self worth there is. You're gonna have to be ok with being a lazy slacker for a bit while you recover and your body upregulates all of your dormant receptors. This will be a great (and crucial) time to find your REAL self worth. I know, easier said than done. I'm still not even close to being back to my old self (I tapered from 20 mg of dextroamphetamine to 5 mg for 2 months and quit almost two weeks ago). But knowing where to start is key. I hope you find your way out.

Lots of screaming, crying and sex are useful for mood. I can't help you with testosterone, but therapy is probably better than any supplement you can find.

Phenibut no more than twice a week for anxiety and lethargy. Kratom daily, mostly as a replacement for my former opiate habit (not recommended daily, physical dependency). I also do fish oil and magnesium daily. Phenylpiracetam, noopept or sunifiram for busy days. Caffein and nicotine forever. L-tyrosine and DL-Phenylalanine haven't provided noticeable results yet, but I'm still going with it.

I feel you man. I am nearly 2 weeks clean from a 1.5 year amphetamine habit. Not a super insane one by any means but I just hate doing everything. I never feel like picking up my guitar, writing songs or even playing video games. It's disheartening considering I used to be a professional musician for a living. I'm ordering a new drum kit with my tax return and kinda just forcing myself back into it. If you have the means, I'd say try to buy yourself new toys (pedals, amps, guitars, etc.), anything to get yourself excited about playing again. I've quit multiple times and from my experience, it just doesn't come back on it's own. If it does, it will surely take a lot longer to get passion back if you aren't actively trying.

I only hope that for me the pros outweigh the cons. Why is it that it's so easy to get hung up on all the negatives of the past, betrayals, burnt bridges, lost friendships and yet, with the destructive things we seem to look back fondly, remembering far more about what it gave us instead of what it took away from us? Pros: It made me wittier. It allowed my thoughts to flow freely like water through an aqueduct instead of like a flood shattering through a dam when unmedicated. It made me more productive and excited about my passions. It made mundane things seem more tolerable. Cons: It made me more arrogant and abrasive. It took away my full potential to love and accept things I can't control. It made me sleep and eat less. Usually a small lunch and a huge dinner just barely equaling 2000 calories. 8 hours of sleep was preferred but 5 or 6 was acceptable as long as I had more dexedrine the next day. This had an impact on my immune system and skin. Not a huge one, but laugh lines got more noticeable. It made my problems seem bigger at the end of the day when my dose wore off. Seems like a pretty balanced list. Hard to say which ones outweigh the others, but obviously I'm here for a reason and I decided to quit for a reason. This is my cycle; getting fed up with feeling on edge and worn down, deciding to quit, feeling lethargic, forgetting how bad I felt, getting back on amphetamine and being like "this isn't so bad, I feel fine," and then weeks later being like "fuck this... this needs to stop." I really wish I journaled my negative experiences. The brain kinda just forgets about a lot of the horror and tricks itself into taking (the illusion of) the path of least resistance.

Thanks for the replies. I do truly believe I have ADHD. Fortunately, I was ahead of the craze in my area where the teachers were recommending students be prescribed meds. My younger brother didn't escape that fate. But whatever, I don't want to be on amphetamine anymore. I can truly attest to the efficacy of tapering. When I tried quitting from 20 mg of dexedrine, I was tired and binge eating for a week. Being on 5 mg for a few months and quitting was way different. I'm on day 7 right now and I woke up at 8 AM without an alarm clock, I have a normal appetite and I'm totally able to get menial things done. The killer is the lack of motivation. I can't even muster the motivation to play video games. Nothing is fun and there is zero passion in my life at the moment. My wife and I are having a baby in 8 months and I need to be clean and present.

Hi everyone, I've been lurking for quite a while. I've set out on a quest to quit amphetamine a handful of times in the past and this site has been my motivation. What worries me is that I may be one of those people that has a lame frontal lobe, requiring a steady dose of something to stay even remotely interested in most things. I am by no means a tweaker. Sure, I've indulged in higher than prescribed doses and binged on my meds while writing music for days, but that shit really only happened in the beginning and not very frequently. I was originally prescribed 15mg Adderall XR in May, 2013. Tolerance set in and I increased my dose the next month to 15mg IR twice a day. It was a really unnecessary thing to do, as the medication was working as it should have. I just thought that, because the zing and euphoria subsided, it must not be working anymore. I had my occasional fun, usually the day I got my script filled, taking a double dose and just focusing on writing/recording music. I'd occasionally stay up for 48 hours, 72 a few times. That shit started to wear on my quickly, amplifying my previously mild Tic disorder to intense heights. I knew it wasn't sustainable but I figured I'd ask to be switched to dexedrine since it lacked the Levo-Amphetamine portion that Adderall had. I decided to start using responsibly with 20mg dextroamphetamine, which I did for the most part. But even at the lower dosage on the new medication, I still felt a certain depersonalization and dissatisfaction with life. I tried to quit but the lethargy pushed me right back to the pill. But I had a plan this time. I purposely sabotaged myself by having my psychiatrist knock me down to 5mg. I told her I just didn't need it that much anymore. So I managed, with my wife's help dispensing medication, to take just 5mg a day, sometimes 7.5mg, rarely 10mg. I felt a lot better but tolerance is always an issue after about a week. I'm just so sick of the cycle of feeling ok for a few weeks on the pills, then feeling like shit for a week to give myself time to upregulate receptors. Then when I go back my tolerance is low enough where it sometimes keeps me up very late or all night, reinforcing my need to take it everyday just to not pass out at work. I don't even know what my purpose is with posting this. I'm 6 days clean now and I even told my psychiatrist I wanted to quit. I'm just worried that I'll never get my motivation back. I feel lethargic and uninspired and though I can't remember exactly how I felt before I started taking amphetamine, I do know I was in a similar state of blah. I had a pretty mild habit and I just don't know how long I should give myself to feel better before deciding if I need pharmacological intervention. I know I definitely picked up a lot of good habits and coping tools while on amphetamine and I'm just hoping that it will be enough for me to not go back. I wish it was more formulaic. I guess that's why I was drawn to amphetamine, so I could control, analyze and formulate everything. I wish it was as simple as on amphetamine for a little over 1.5 years x average of 20mg tapered down to 5mg = ? This whole post is an amazing display of my rigid, unorganized "sober" brain. How embarrassing.