bouldergirl

Sorry I meant to say that while I still have days here and there where I do high amounts, for the most part, I am back to using my prescribed dosage and back down to only using one doctor for my prescription. I wouldn't do anything like buying it online or from someone on the streets. Way too risk adverse for that. Negatives from taking adderall? Mostly sweating all the time and not eating well at all. I also prefer to be left alone when I'm on meds. And then sometimes I feel like my heart is going to burst if I am physically exerting myself. This is no way to go through life. Here's the thing - I do have ADHD. So I am going to look into switching to a non-stimulant medication for it. But no more adderall or anything like it. For a long time I have known that I needed to change to a non-stimulant or titrate down to a much much lower dose of adderall. Because for nine years, I took adderall responsibly. But the last eight months I haven't. So I need to change course.

I'm definitely not going to see the doctor tomorrow nor am I ever filling a prescription again. I took my last adderall at 5pm today. And that's it. I know I can quit. I remember what I was like when I wasn't on it - I felt more like "me." I know for the next few days I'll be a little tired and more hungry than normal, but it's not unbearable. I just worry about my mental performance - I have so much going on right now and clients to attend to (I'm a freelance web designer). When I'm not on adderall I feel like just laying on the sofa and watching tv. Not building websites and doing the billions of other things I do on adderall. I always ask myself where do people get the energy to go to work, make things, take care of life, etc. without drugs like adderall??? Coffee seems like such child's play and yet you hear of so many people saying "I can't get started in the morning without my coffee." And I'm just thinking, lol, coffee? Ever tried adderall, that will really get you going!" I don't mean to make light of this situation at all, it's just that I don't know if I can ever get back to my super-productive self. And if that's the case then I'm ruined professionally and financially. Tomorrow is going to be a really scary day for me. I always knew this day was going to have to come. But I always thought I had more time to "prepare."

I've NEVER sold adderall. I've never even given pills away to friends or anything.

So a half hour ago I got a call from one of my prescribing doctors. A call that I knew was coming at some point. It had to. She told me that she checked my state's prescription database and saw my multiple adderall prescriptions/doctors. She wants me to come into her office tomorrow to sign releases so that she can talk to those doctors...no way. At the height of my addiction (pretty much all of last year), I had FOUR different doctors prescribing me adderall. I was taking about 240-300mg a day. I still do this amount, although I've been weening myself down slowly. I've got myself down to one doctor prescribing me. But I ran out early this month and tried to make an appointment with an old doctor and I guess she got suspicious. I'm not really afraid for what she's going to do...she can't talk to those doctors without a release from me and I don't plan on taking adderall anymore. It's ruined my life...it's made me spend money like crazy, act insane in dating relationships...it's just not worth it anymore. But I am so scared for the days when I don't take it...I literally have no motivation to do anything. Can someone please tell me that everything is going to be okay? That I'm not going to end up in prison? That I WILL get my life back? I started taking adderall 10 years ago. I remember before that I was extremely motivated and organized and had my shit together. My first semester in college was my best. When I began taking adderall during my second semester of my freshman year, that's when things started to slide. I lied my ass off, could never meet deadlines, etc. I just want off of this roller coaster. I want my life back.