MikeyB1ue

Isn't it practicely the same? from wiki: relapse- is resuming the use of a drug or a chemical substance after one or more periods of abstinence. No hate, I know your just trying to help. I agree with you and my intentions are far from trying to be "responsible" with adderall, I want to be done with it. I want to help others just as much as myself. What led to this episode? I guess it was expected, since for the past several months I have been making it to this point then binging and coasting. So my primary goal wasn't to see how long I could go without taking any and trying to fully quite, It was to substantially cut down the amount taken and duration of this reoccurance.(the amount I took this time was equivalent to 1/3 what I normally take and lasted for 2 days compared to 7-10) I'm not happy I took it, but I am glad that I'm starting to have some control on it and that my body isn't craving it.

My cycle for the past few months have been like so: I usually binge, then ween myself off for a week, then stay off it for 2-3 weeks, then right as I start feeling "good", BAM, the cycle starts again. I ended up breaking my clean streak and taking some yesturday and saturday, but compared to what I normally take when relapsing it was nothing and, besides feeling cloudy minded today, I have no craving for it whatsoever.

Thanks for the support guys. And startingover3, I know exactly how you feel about the addie leaving me completely confused about who I really am. It's like a constant battle in your head, pretty much going to war with yourself on who you are. But i'm 2 weeks clean now and starting to feel somewhat "normal" again, hopefully this lasts. Good luck to you all as well.

Ok, This is going to be a long read and pretty dramatic, but it's my first time talking about all this to anyone and expressing myself in this way, so i'm going all in. I don't even know where to begin. I've never been addicted to anything in my life, I would have never imagined myself becoming so weak and submissive to this drug. I was always so strong minded and motivated, always reaching for more, if I didn't like how something in my life was going I would work until I changed it(maybe this is how my addiction started). This was before I started using adderall, about 2 and a half years ago. These past 2 and a half years have completely changed me, in so many ways. My start with adderall was Junior year in college. During this time my social life was huge. Pretty much every night of the week, except for nights I had to study for exams, I was out hanging with people. Up to this point in my life I was always extremely sociable, fit into any group, and had large friend bases. I was confident, didn't think too much into things(over analyze), and was able to enjoy just sitting around doing nothing but b.s.ing with some friends(Something so simple I once took for granted now is a task). Ok, now my adderall introduction. I picked some up for studying and it worked like magic. I realized that I could learn all the material for an exam in 1-2 nights with adderall. So I made a habit of it, not giving a damn about learning anything in my classes up until a day or 2 before the exam and then cramming it all in with adderall. This eventually led to taking it while out at night at the bars or clubs, made me feel like I was in the movie limitless. So my grades were going up, I was studying less, and I felt amazing. It seemed like everything was going great, but what I wasn't able to see at the time was how bad my relationship w my g/f at the time was getting ( we were going out for 2 yrs prior to this), and also how my attitude at work was changing( b/c usually when I went to work I was crashing) Now lets fast forward to my senior year. So me and my g/f broke up a couple months earlier, my adderall addiction is getting worse(I don't have a script for it but I buy this kids entire script every month), and im starting to drift a bit from my friends. Now let's fast forward to the next year, I graduate but end up staying in my college town for another year bc i'm bartending and making a lot of money, I've never lived without a roommate before but this year I decide to live by myself. Now i've drifted even further from my friends, I spend less time hanging out with people and more time just hanging at my house on the computer or doing something by myself. Eventually I fall into bad relations with my boss, and end up quitting/getting fired and leave town to live back with my parents. Now lets fast forward a few months to present time. These past few months back at my parents have been absolute hell. I ended up getting my own script for adderall when I moved back here. Since moving back I feel like I developed a bit of social anxiety and also feel socially awkward at times. This, along with the lack of motivation and lethargy when not on adderall has been crippling me from progressing with my life. A few weeks ago I finally picked up a crappy job, but im slowly screwing it up. I've been trying to quit the adderall, I make it a week, 2 weeks, maybe a little longer, them BAM I go right back into it and it puts me back into zombie mode again. The worst part about this whole thing is I realize how bad this drug is messing up my life, my social abilities, family, friends, work, and on top of all this my hair has been thinning noticeably and my teeth have shifted a bit, I see ALL this, and I know the cause of it, yet I still manage to make reasons for taking more of it. Something has to change. If you actually read all that, thank you. It felt good getting that all out.