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  1. Thanks guys, as always. Sky, "they know not what they do" is yes from JC, who said it about the rulers who sentenced him to death by crucifixion, if you believe that story (no judgment, I went to church every Sunday and it's amazing what you remember; it's a good moral education I guess). I know what you mean, and you are both right - I am kinda down right now, and I have let it get to me... Rising above in periods of depression is hard, man! It's funny all the things that bubble up when you allow emotions to come back in to your life. I haven't thought or cared about my relationship with my father for years. I guess it was folly on my account -- why would I think he would change now, and admit alcoholism, after all these years? He never has before, he's old and set in his ways, he's not going to now. Sad of me to think I could use my own journey as a way of trying to help/change him. I'm glad I've admitted I have a problem at least to myself. The lesson here is it doesn't matter what other people say or do, it's me who has to face me every morning in the mirror and be proud or disappointed with the choices I've made. That's the thing about addiction -- the more we are addicted the less we tend to reflect, it's just too scary.
  2. Ashley, do you have notes or a script you could post? I'd love to hear the story from start to finish that you shared with the students!
  3. Denial, I just re-read your post. You sound like you've been through hell. And if I am thinking rightly, like you just don't like yourself very much. I kept thinking as I was reading how clearly you were painting a picture of your background and circumstances; that you really downplay the shit you've been dealt and are dealing with, and how much you've accomplished... you quit smoking AND drinking? Wow! You did P90X? Holy crap that's hard (I did 3 workouts and quit as my heart couldn't deal while I was on adderall)! You were admitted although clearly you're not a crazy person? That is A LOT to deal with in the last few years. I think you have a lot going for you, and it's going to take a lot of inner strength to keep reminding yourself of this especially when you're having cravings and not moving as fast as you are wanting to. You sound like a really ambitious and hard working person, which I believe (for what that is worth) is a common trait regardless of the addiction... hard working people love adderall because it makes them work harder and feel less guilty for not putting in 16 hour days all the time.... I know you'll do fine without the adderall, but I totally understand why you're tempted to stay on it. You need to discover the wonderful woman you were before adderall and that's scary. I'm going through it now myself, and all I have to go on is a hope that the memories I have of myself before are in fact true; that I am a creative and caring person with a lot of stamina and curiosity and determination. We shall see. If you want to PM me I'd love to talk offline - you sound like a really special woman. Hang in there!
  4. Right, final post for today and then I will leave you guys alone. Just want to rant for a bit. I don't have a great relationship with my father; we were just never really close. He was always there when I needed him, but he also was kind of a womanizing, mysoginistic workaholic. As a little kid I used to see his roving eye and think he mustn't like my mom very much if he looks at other ladies more than he looked at her, etc etc (don't get me wrong, my mother was and is a very beautiful woman, which has also led to no end of self esteem issues for me as I've never felt like my gene pool was very generous when it handed out things in the looks department). My dad has always been a functioning alcoholic, too. But he has never once admitted it. I remember when I realized this - it was when I stayed over at a friend's house one night and I was surprised that her dad didn't put away a bottle of wine before, during and after dinner. I thought there was something wrong with her dad (!?!) and when I asked him where his wine was, he looked at me like he knew something was deeply fucked up at home for me. I will never forget it. Anyway, it's been a long time since I was under his roof and I'm my own woman now; but just like anyone, a father's love is so meaningful and restorative to any daughter in need. So anyway, what does all this have to do with adderall...? When I quit, I decided to tell my own family - over email because we're not that close, and I wanted to avoid a difficult conversation, to be honest. Now, I wasn't looking for sympathy or empathy or a soft landing. I just wanted to be honest with myself, and if anything, I was looking for reassurance that addiction runs in the family and it is something many of my aunts and uncles, parents and grandparents have had to deal with. Strength in common struggles, or something. Some solidarity. Family. But my father, in his state of denial about his problems, came out with this reply to my email. I was simply astounded by it, and haven't responded since. He said: "...I myself never had to struggle with any addiction, but I can imagine how hard it must be for you"... Now I'm just angry and feel more alone. My own father not only refuses to acknowledge what a bitch it is to be addicted to something, but blatantly distances himsef from me in the process... I guess, to Falcon's point, you should not judge another. I'm just sad I tried after all these years to relate to him and just could not.
  5. Great suggestion - family health issue. And it's true. I belong to a family, so it's technically my family's health issue. And I like the strategic ambiguity of avoiding the topic altogether if possible... Always puts the onus back on the person asking; and is a great confidence builder. Thanks as always.
  6. I realized today that this is the first time in my life since college I have been out of work for more than 6 weeks consecutively. When I got laid off from my long-time job a few years ago, I had something set up immediately; and have not taken off more than 2 weeks for over 11 years. I have NO idea what to do with myself. Some would say this sounds like a gift, but freedom is my enemy... I need structure and deliverables to make me accountable and feel like I am a useful person. Anyone got some ideas about how to make that first kick-yourself-out-of-bed action in the morning that will sustain you for the rest of the day?
  7. I used to, but I can't run more than a mile at the moment. I'd love some motivation though.
  8. Hi MajorLazor, How are you feeling about everyone's replies? I don't have anything really more to add except this: although it might feel like you're going to be a less effective person off adderall, and maybe you will be in the short term, try to think about it long term. You wouldn't have come here if you weren't at least a little worried and the thought of quitting is a daunting but necessary thing. You probably know deep down that adderall's not right for you (all of us here think the same way), but because you're not operating in a way that lets you trust your own judgment, you don't know what to act on, so you just take more "for today" and stop thinking about the big, hard questions. I've definitely been there... I used to say, "well I just need enough to get me through this business trip/presentation/proposal/analysis and then I'll be in a place to decide", and that day never seemed to come. You've mentioned you're concerned with your heart and also some potential psychological impacts -- can you tell us more about that and what you're concerned about? There are some really amazingly caring and smart people on this site - it's quite humbling to think all these people are here to help get you through if only you take the first step, which is what you have to do on your own. Good luck, you can do it... just one step at a time.
  9. Thanks, Falcon. I hope Mike or whoever created this site still reads it - it is a very real source of comfort for me, too. Ashley: Apparently Pills Anonymous is big in CA but not NY... there are only 2 meetings in the City, and the one I was at was attended by two others, one of which was her first meeting too. Still, it is nice to talk about addictions without having to use the "guise" of AA if that makes sense. What is surprising to me is when you look at the "meetups' posts on this site, there are tons and tons of people who have looked at each state's available meetup options (esp in places like Atlanta etc) but there are no responses. Why is this do we think? Are we all so stigmatized by the addiciton that we can't stand to be around others who would know our weaknesses? Are we loners by nature? Curious.
  10. Interesting to follow this thread. Many things I relate to and again, I know I'm repeating myself but there are so many behaviors I have exhibited that I didn't know at all were adderall related and thought it was just part of my evolving personality (which I didn't like very much) or getting older or something. Now I know so much was related to adderall. Being late is one of them - I used never to be late; used to be able to run around and get ready in 30 mins or less and leave the house with a sense of purpose. I'd be able to time my commute to perfection. Now, (and yes, even off the adderall), it seems to take me FOREVER to get up, shower, get dressed, find things, and for such an every-day thing, shouldn't seem so bloody difficult to get right. I am still struggling with this, to be honest. I've canceled a bunch of appointments today (not urgent really) because I haven't been able to get off my lazy ass and get in the shower. All I want to do is read, be quiet, and not have anyone to bother me. But there are things I know I should be doing!! WTF is wrong with me?! I am rambling, but anyway; my point is, thank you for saying all the little things that have changed for the better since you've come off addy. Each little vignette is a reminder to me that I'm not the only one who felt these things, and that these things are not indications of me going completely crazy.
  11. Defunct

    coffee

    InRecovery, I really needed to read this today. I was in fact wondering about what it was you had applied for, because you'd told us already about B School, so I was wondering -- was it a mortgage? Student loan applications? But I didn't want to ask. CONGRATULATIONS!! And here is why I needed to read your post today - after having a pretty successful beginning of the week, my Thursday and Friday have been slow and tiring. Today it's raining and cold outside and without a job to get up and go to, I have found myself wallowing in sad thoughts. I don't know how I'm going to get another good job, I have such low confidence in my abilities and I'm not sure of, well, really anything any more. Just super depressed. I applied for 3 jobs this week and haven't heard anything. I know it's probably still early, (6 weeks yesterday) but I am staring at the last 3 years and wondering how I go about reparing all that damage... I seemed to have it all together for so long; I worked on wall street for over 10 years, in three different countries, in highly stressful situations, and so I know I've had a track record of success. I just don't have any faith in myself any more -- I want the old me back!! So thanks for the encouragement of your own example, InRecovery. It tells me that it is possible to succeed, even to do better than before, once you've recovered. I'm a bit scared that it took you such a long time and that makes me terrified I wont be employable for quite some time (in this job market that's not a good thing at all), though. I guess today's just not a good day and I am having a little pity party here in my (messy) living room.
  12. Just thought I'd update you a bit - I think I may be using this forum a bit more than I should because I always see "Goldman" has replied to all the posts and think, "wow, there's a person with too much time on their hands". So my apologies for that, you just don't have any idea how useful this has been to me. Anyway, I have made some good strides this week I think. Here's a list (not to remind you of adderall lists which I keep finding in notebooks all over the place and they make no sense at all, things like, "sort out..." [and nothing after that]). 1. Attended first Pills Anonymous session. There were only 3 of us there, but it was good. Feeling not alone is the best feeling in the world. 2. Put resume together 3. Spent a day working with a friend at her non profit, sorting out some of their ordering and supply issues. Felt good to do something for someone else... the whole time I was on adderall I didn't think twice about it as I always put my own work first 4. Did all the laundry. This is quite an accomplishment! 5. Cleaned out the fridge 6. Went to the gym twice and a run once (I hate exercising and feel pretty crappy about the weight I've gained recently so this was a big challenge) Not bad, huh? I'm pretty exhausted today but I'm reminded of some of the things I've read here about taking it one day at a time and taking the time you need.
  13. Hi Whittering, how is everything now? I just read about your situation and it's devastating. Being caught between being a loving, empathetic and caring wife and not being a doormat is a really hard thing. Have you thought about going to AlAnon or talking with others who have dealt with this kind of situation? I can only talk from my side, the only thing that made me stop was when I did in fact lose my job. Took a terrible toll on my marriage; I honestly think the addiction was my spouse because I paid more attention to it than I did my husband's cry for help. He too said he wanted me to quit, started counting pills, which is what drove me to take more, strangely. I was desperate to "not be controlled" and filled with the false sense of infallibility which adderall fills you with. Such a hard time, you have my thoughts.
  14. Falcon, there's such wisdom in your words. I'm glad you're here - you make a big difference. Happy holidays.
  15. Hi Cassie, wow I have to admit your post surprised me. Sure, it's only been a little while I've been on the forum, but for some reason your expressive personality made me think you could approach anything with enthusiasm and rigor. I also had it in my mind you were a med student or a doctor. Is this right? I'm with you about the "not angry and on edge all the time". I have just started the early stages of my job search now, and I am super unmotivated (it's hard to throw yourself in to it when you're still reeling from an exhausting and failed career); but at least I know that the choices I make about the jobs I apply for, the conversations I have with recruiters etc are "the real me", if that makes any sense. Last time I interviewed I am sure I came across as intelligent but probably totally manic. Not to mention the sudden onset of dry mouth - ugh, that was so embarassing, because the interviewers always thought it was because I was nervous. To the contrary, I was just tweaking!
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