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  1. So it all started a month ago, where I was so stressed out on handling school after five years of being out, living on my own, and holding a full time job. Where, I absent minded finding the girl who's known for her addy use, to buy some. I don't know what came over me, messaging her...meeting her, and getting some from her for the first time..but it felt like a weight was lifted off my shoulders.. Now before I continue my current situation i'll give you some background info...I guess in total I dabbled in all sorts of drugs for about seven years? I'm 22 so that should tell you that I was living like I was 21 when I was 16. Amps were always my favorite though, I was addicted to meth for about two years, and my boyfriend actually dove in with me, to get me out..didn't end well..but we're both clean from that. In fact, up until a month ago all I was doing was smoking weed, and I hardly did that just because it gets in the way of school and makes me to anxious. Now I did addy before when I was slowly getting into meth. But not how i'm abusing it now. I dont won't do it at work, because as many of you know once you do something on this drug, its never as fun as sober. I really wish I didnt go to school on it. So just on my days 2 days out of the week for the last month. I lost count on how many mgs ive done. To get to my title topic, my boyfriend is strictly straight edge now... except for the occasional drink,which i'm very proud of him, even stopped smoking weed for his job. I feel loads of guilt eating up in me...i've been keeping my use a secret even from my friends. No one knows but that girl. I love my boyfriend so much, but sometimes he's really controlling, and me keeping this from him makes me feel a little dangerous if that makes sense? It's something he can't control...But if he ever found out...I don't want to think about what would happen... Sorry i'm rambling... I finished off the last of my stash (40 mgs)... the reason i'm posting is I think I need to quit before this gets out of hand? But I don't know how... I don't know when... I love railing them...just the motion, and prepping. I know its really bad for you, and its a waste but I just can't seem to stop. I've developed a habit, when its my weekend and my boyfriend leaves for work at 5 am, I get up..turn on full house ( ) and start cutting up my pill...I love how I can get the house clean, study and even getting ready, even the process of doing my make-up is great. Long story short, I just cant get over it... but I need to, I hate how i'm doing this to the guy I love, and probably marry. I'm starting to get huge headaches, i'm smoking more weed then I want to, just to handle the comedown... Any tips? Advice? * sorry this is my first post, and I just skimmed the I don't know if I was suppose to talk about triggering details...
  2. Not gonna lie guys, this is a bit long. I have a lot to say but I promise that if you endure this wall of text you will feel a rejuvenated sense of why you decided to quit in the first place. I've taken adderall steadily for the past 6 years of my life. I was 19 when I took my first dose and I thought that I had finally found a way to get ahead and utilize my full potential. In case you're super shitty at math, I'm 25 now. Everything was so clear, I was able to focus on tasks for ridiculously long amounts of time, I suddenly had this "inspiration" in my everyday life that I simply didn't have before, I was losing weight (mainly due to forgetting to eat as often) and I was looking great. My skin was glowing and my eyes radiated resolution and confidence. All of that sounds pretty rad right? Unfortunately, there was one problem; it was all completely synthetic and artificial. This is not to say that I didn't have the potential to be an efficient powerhouse without the drug, but I wasn't learning how to do it on my own. I was relying on a pill every day to do it for me. I justified my continued abuse in literally any way that I could whether it be "I don't even take that high of a dose" or "my doctor prescribed this to me for a reason right? I need this." Three years in to my drug fueled lifestyle and I realized that I hadn't accomplished shit. Adderall had gotten me hyped up every day but I somehow ended up falling in to the same cycle of not doing anything to better my life or to get ahead. I continued to waste the high on playing video games or going on youtube tangents for several hours at a time, and usually ended my days by binge drinking myself to sleep. Adderall's euphoric effects simply made me content with achieving nothing. It was around this same time that I noticed something; my pills didn't seem to be working anymore. I would take my XR at the same time I did every day, but I just seemed to be fast-forwarding through the feel good and arriving at the crash landing. My thought process had become foggy and I didn't enjoy activities that I normally adored (writing/playing music, going to the gym, and in general socializing with others.) I started to develop symptoms very similar to bipolar disorder and was seldomly ever actually happy. My girlfriend of 4 years decided that she couldn't deal with my constant mood swings and unenthusiastic attitude anymore and left me. Not even for another guy; she just preferred being single over having to deal with someone who had lost all confidence and sense of self-worth. This threw me in to a mild depression, but I never actually dealt with it properly because I didn't have to. I didn't have to, because I had the ultimate fallback, the ultimate safety net; my adderall. I began to become even more reclusive and shit on a few relationships that I had cherished since I was like 8 years old. My personality had shifted from the happy-go-lucky life of the party fun-factory to the strung out pathetic malnourished loser that overcompensated for his lack of substance by getting buff and trying to fuck random girls. I'm trying to keep this as short as possible guys, I PROMISE you, just bare with me for a little while longer. Fast-forward to about a month ago. I was on my way home from school (something I should have been finished with 3-4 years ago) when I caught a glimpse of myself in my rear-view mirror while stopped at a red light. I'm not exaggerating when I say that I didn't recognize the person looking back at me. My eyes sported enormous, symmetrical unsightly bags underneath them and were bloodshot and exhausted looking. My skin just seemed pale, lifeless and dry. I forced a smile to maybe alter the image of whoever I was looking at, but it looked forced and to be blatantly honest, rather creepy. Creepy? Me? When did I become that type of person. Everyone loves me. Or at least they used to. I pulled over, killed the engine and just sat in my car for about 45 minutes. I didn't cry, I didn't listen to music or call anybody; I just sat there and reflected on what the fuck I had been doing for the past 6 years. What the hell was I doing with my life? Why was I so unhappy? It was at this moment that I made quite possibly the best decision of my life. I headed straight home, grabbed my pill bottle and emptied the contents into the toilet. Before I even had time to contemplate rescuing them from their watery grave, I flushed and walked away. I won't lie, the first two days sucked. I was pretty sapped of energy and ambition, and was getting agitated over the littlest things VERY quickly. I fought back with lots of caffeine and exercise, and once day 3 arrived I woke up with a feeling I was not familiar with at all. I woke up feeling RESTED. I woke up feeling like I had actually slept the night before and that I was naturally motivated to get up and cook breakfast for myself. It was on this same day that I genuinely laughed until I cried at some random stupid shit I saw on the internet. I'd forgotten what that was like, and it was like this warm wave of happiness that rushed over me. After the first week, I began going to the gym again. Only now, things seemed to be different. I was making eye contact with other gym goers and employees there and even struck up a few random conversations. I caught a couple girls smiling at me as I walked by and thought to myself "holy shit I'm happy." I felt like I was radiating positive vibes and that everyone could tell. The best way I can describe the feeling is that I was finally on the same wavelength as everybody else, and was surfing it like a fuckin pro. And so here I am; a month after quitting amphetamines and I feel like I'm myself again. My appetite has returned to normal, I'm genuinely excited to see people and I'm hardly ever at home. The best part is that the functionality and efficiency that I had experienced on adderall is now permanently embedded in to my brain. I was able to focus while on the drug, and I now remember how to do so even though I'm off of it. Quitting Adderall is hands down the best thing that I could have done for myself. I feel more sociable, more approachable, more attractive and a whole hell of a lot healthier. I really hope that anyone who reads this has decided to do the same because nothing but good can come from it. Thank you SO much for reading this and feel free to share your story with me as well.
  3. My Life is Shit, I am shit

    My life has turned into shit. I've been prescribed adderall since I was 18, i have been binge using it for 10 years now. I never even needed it for add or anything really, definitely never took it as prescribed. I just abuse it. I pop all 90 within a week and a half, rarely sleeping and then i crash for 3 or 4 days, am zombie for a week until I buy more from hookups and count days until next prescription. I am an alcoholic drinking at very least a pint of vodka or 12 beers a day. I work from home, my business is going to shit. I crashed my car and got second dui. I just finished probation for that still don't have license or car or sobriety My girlfriend of 4 years broke up just broke up with me and kicked me out; i had to move back in with parents. She said my problems are not her problems and she doesnt want me in life anymore. My girlfriend before her died of overdose. I really loved them both. Now I just sit here and sulk alone and not nearly fucked up enough. I have no friends left, not that i mind because i hate everyone and everything. I dont know how to have good time and am always miserable. I take handfuls of addies and am very productive until i get all sketchy and twitchy and depressed. I see a counselor a few times a month. I guess it keeps me from killing self. I am so bored and broke and pathetic. I destroy everything good around me and don't appreciate any of what i have when i have it. "I am like King Midas in Reverse - everything i touch turns to shit" I am overprivileged piece of greedy shit i think i am too stuck in ways to change #fuckmylife
  4. I need your advice

    Hey! My name is Scott and I am 25 years old. My current Adderall use is 60mg. I take Adderall XR and Adderall Tablets. My reason for writing this is to seek out advice from all of you. I am going to be completely open about everything. I can guarantee you this is gonna be a long post since I just took my adderall, which I apologize about in advance. I am looking for suppourt, advice, assurance, and really anything you have to help me in quitting adderall. Before Adderall: Growing up I have always been an unusually bright person. My friends would describe me a shy and outgoing. I prided myself that my friends saw me as dependable. I had dreams and ambitions. I think that was my dominant trait actually. I just knew where I was going, and no one was going to stop me! In school I wasn't the "top" student, not even close. My hobbies were hanging out with friends, cooking, couponing, etc. If something caught my interest, it was easy to have the motivation I needed to get involved. I was normal, if not usually chipper. And waking up in the mornings was easy as can be. Starting Adderall: I started taking adderall in May of 2012, after my little brother was diagnosed with ADHD. The doctor told my mom it was usually hereditary and so I looked into it. It explained me perfectly. I was forgetful, unorganized, and somewhat lazy. I think a lot of the issues I had were other people's opinions of me versus my opinion of myself. To my mom and family I was lazy and unmotivated. But looking back I was a typical teenager/early-adult. Either way I decided I wanted to get tested. After being tested the doctor said I was a classic of ADHD Type-2. Type-2 simply means that I stare off into space and daydream versus setting fire to a classroom. Once diagnosed I went to my doctor and we met. He told me all about ADHD and what I could be. He showed me photos of handwriting before/after and grades that improved with treatment. Treatment being Adderall. When I first started taking adderall, it messed with my "senses". I felt like I was in an out-of-body experience. I quit it for a few days. I called my doctor after I returned to normal and told them about my experience. He told me that I just need to "stick-with-it" as my body adjusted to the new drug. I did. Taking Adderall: Starting out I was still myself. I was a socialite and still stayed actively engaged with my friends. My magical moment came when I worked myself up to 20mg. I had a almost high-urgent need to do something. I always wanted to be a cleaner, and now I was. I didn't enjoy cleaning, it became something I "loved" to do. I had ridiculous amounts of focus, and I could focus on something and actually accomplish it. I think I started misusing Adderall when I got a job with the county and had to wake up at 5:00AM. I took it to STAY awake. I realized soon that the dose didn't always have the same effect, so I started increasing my use. The next year I got a job promotion where I had to stay alert. Therefore I used Adderall to stay mentally sharp and awake. I worked long days and would take 40mg in the morning at 5:00AM and 1:00 PM. I really didn't sleep much anymore either. I also stopped hanging out around friends and became more of a homebody. I then moved out of my moms house and into my own place. I lived alone and I think that added to the social anxiety. As the year went on I started to need Adderall in order to wake up, versus simply stay awake. It eventually got to a point where I would spend all day in bed, because I didn't even have the energy to get up and take Adderall. It was somewhere around this time that I started to hate going out in public. I just lost interest and would rather stay locked up then go out into the world. I rarely saw my friends. In fact I saw my landlord more then I ever saw any friends. I would go see them and I really enjoyed it. Even though now I was quiet and reserved versus Loud and obnoxious. I don't know what it was. I didn't feel uncomfortable I just didn't have that same spark I once did. It wasn't long after this when I realized I needed to quit Adderall. I decided to quit and went cold-turkey. I SLEPT for a good month. Afterwards, I would go to work and come home and sleep. Then after three months from summer break, I went back to work. I no longer enjoyed waking up like I used to. I was always late to work. All was fine until I started getting the "head-bobs" while driving. I wasn't as clean anymore and my entire work performance suffered. My landlord was upset at how filthy my apartment was. Eventually I talked myself into taking Adderall again. And everything took off except I was at 40mg versus 60mg. But after a month I went back to 60mg. I then moved in with roommates. We get along great and I really enjoy them. But I think after six months they are starting to not be a fan of me anymore. I spend time with them, but I mainly stay locked up in my room. Plus my room is a mess. I cleaned so much that I am sick of it, and the 60mg doesn't seem to be doing much. I also started back college, which I had been forced to quit due to finical aid issues before I started taking Adderall. I can barley make it out the bed to go to class. I have to take Adderall or have something extremely important to do in order to get up and go to class. Even then my sleep schedule is so messed up because I work overnights on the weekend. When I am not working I sleep. Overall: Since taking Adderall I have become secluded from society. I used to love waking up in the mornings but now I can barely get up to take my Adderall to get motivated for the day. And once I am up I only have 4-8 hours that my Adderall works, and then I have to re-up or crash or burn. My room is a mess, nothing is organized, I see my friends once every few months, and I just feel like I'm drowning. I take Adderall everyday. Fear of quitting: Last time I quit Adderall I went through an awful month of just sleeping. And even after that was over, I had little to no motivation. I could wake up, but really all I wanted to do was sleep. I loved to go see friends but honestly I think we just drifted apart. They don't ever care to hang. Plus, I live with roommates and I need to clean, to maintain peace. In addition I'm in college and I can't afford to go through this as my grades may slip. I don't know if I am also depressed or if my Adderall addiction is the culprit. Questions: I have taken Adderall for 3 — almost 4 years now. I used to take 40mg, but now I am up to 60mg. How long would it take to get over the initial part? I have looked at the "alternatives" forum but I don't know what anything is. Can one of you explain the basics and common alternatives? When quitting Adderall what can I expect with my job since I live on my own and have to pay bills? Do you feel that friends were a vital role in your success with quitting Adderall? What suppourt networks are in GA? What do you personally recommend after reading my story? Did anything I say stand out? I don't know much about this addiction, but I know it's a biotch. Is there anything I can do to prep for coming off Adderall? Any advice you have? Lastly, do you ever feel like you are "you" again? Thank you for everything, and I apologize about the long post in advance.
  5. Did you detox at home? In a hospital? At a friends? What was it like? Tell your story~ I detoxed at Silver Hill hospital in CT. I detoxed from benzos as well as adderall so I was put on a ton of valium to begin with. This hospital is/was amazing. The taper was smooth, the staff was amazing, and they treated us addicts like people. (I love spreading the word about Silver Hill to anyone on the east coast who is thinking about detoxing or doing a 28-day program. If it weren't for SH, I would not be sober today.) In 2011, I detoxed in MA at Adcare, which was the most painful experience of my life (do not go there!) Silver Hill showed me that I could live without adderall. I decided their 28-day transitional living program, which was focused on DBT.Their staff is amazing. Their doctors, nurses, counselors, psychologists are all top-notch. Their program/education is packed with great therapy and tools to use during early sobriety. They keep you busy. Their food is amazing. They have yoga :-) If you'd like more info, message me!
  6. Hi there-- I'm 6 months sober from adderall. I used adderall to avoid a pretty severe eating disorder (binge eating/bulimia) which has come back in full force now that I've stopped taking stimulants. I'm miserable right now..terribly unhappy with my weight and with my body image. I am basically suffering from an eating disorder addiction as opposed to suffering from a drug addiction. I guess the question I keep asking myself lately is..what's more painful? Living day-to-day with an eating disorder and terrible body image? Or living day-to-day dependent upon stimulants? If anyone can relate to my situation, I would love to connect. Thanks for hearing me out :-)
  7. Secret Dependence

    Hello. I just found this website today and I must say that I am extremely surprised and happy to have found such a large and supportive community dedicated to one single cause (or goal in this case). My story: I've struggled my entire life to pay attention to anything for longer than a few minutes. My friends and family always told me I was being inattentive or daydreamed too much. I had no idea why I had such a hard time concentrating on literally the simplest tasks I was given. I first began secretly taking adderall as an undergrad in college. I was given a few 30mg XR pills from my friend during my freshman year and from the first time I took them; I was hooked. I loved the immense amount of power and control I suddenly had over my mind and body (or so I thought at the time). But I couldn't morally deal with taking Adderall without a proper prescription, so I decided to meet with a psychiatrist and ended up getting a formal diagnosis of ADD within a few months. I did not tell my parents; who are extremely old-fashioned. That was five years ago and up to this current day, my parents still do not know about my dependence. They simply think that I had some sort of epiphany at college and pulled myself together enough to start making straight A's and B's. I am currently still taking Adderall, but since graduating with my Master's in Social Work with an emphasis in Mental Health (ironic, right?) I have come to terms with the fact that I am now completely dependent upon Adderall to function throughout my daily life and that at some point soon I need to stop using Adderall to simply get up in the morning. I want to have a life that I can truly live. Of course I want to quit, and yes, I miss aspects of my former self. But there were many things about myself before I started taking Adderall that I do not want to go back to. This is why I have been foiled in my past attempts at quitting Adderall; because I am afraid of who I will revert back to once I stop taking it. But I think the one thing that I miss the absolute most about my former self was my ability to have a "stomach-hurting-slapping-your-knee" kind of laugh. I had been told my entire life that I had a very infectious laugh, even as a small child, which I loved. Since I began taking Adderall five years ago, I have not laughed that amazing laugh one single time since. I miss it dearly and I can recall many instances during the past five years in which I wished I had that laugh still. But no matter how funny I find something to be, that laugh has continued to evade me. It seems minuscule and non-important; to have a good laugh. But to me, it was a defining feature of myself that I absolutely loved. I also think that it shows just how much Adderall has impeded my ability to truly show my true self even in the simplest ways.
  8. To whom may listen, I try not to make my threads long so I will try my best to get my point across so bare with me please. So I was taking Vyvanse for about a solid year now and like I said in my previous thread "My story in a Nutshell" I have been through HELL and Back with the whole Adderall addiction. Everyone has their own story but believe me I have been there and can relate to a lot of the stuff people are saying on here and agree that Adderall is terrible and don't think anyone should be on it let alone on any stimulants for that matter. So today would have marked 7 days clean from Vyvanse and I slipped up today. During my clean time from the Vyvanse I had all the usual symptoms and was getting by without them. I really can go without them but I am starting to think that this period in my life I think that I am going to stay on them for the time being. Now during those 7 days without them I went about my normal routine and even stayed pretty busy. My downfalls without taking them is of course I'm not as focused, I actually crave beer more which I am trying to stay away from alcohol in my life at the moment. On Saturday I did 8 hours of community service but what bothers me is that I always feel like I need to have some sort of substance in my body to function like a energy drink such as a "White Monster" which is my drink of choice and I don't like that I feel that I need that. I Eat a lot which is normal but I eat bad stuff and I feel like at times I use food to comfort me which I know this is a withdrawl symptom that I am dealing with and its natural that I feel this way when I go off them. Now this past Sunday I woke up and I went to the park to play basketball outside. I was feeling great and felt amazing after I was done. I was happy and just in a great mood. Well my friend wanted to go get something to eat at a sports bar and I made the mistake of drinking WAY too many beers. And Monday and Tuesday I felt miserable. Yes that was a choice I made and that could've been prevented but that was the lowest points during my clean period. Now today is where I slipped up. I went to work from 4 am to 8 am and took a half day of vacation. I should've just stuck my day out but we were kind of slow and I didn't want to be there. Well this is where addiction gets you. I came home today and I was BORED!!..I was bored that's it and I texted someone that I knew had vyvanse pills. I was craving one because I was bored. How pathetic but I know you guys can relate and boredom and addiction go hand and hand. Well I go to pick up the pill and the person gave me a dark blue pill and said it was a 25mg pill. My prescription is 20mgs so I was like ok and I took it. After I took it they told me it was Adderall instead of Vyvanse. I was like damn it I didn't want that but oh well it wont hurt me. First I made the mistake and gave in to my cravings and second I took an Adderall pill which I haven't taken in years. Well after about 30 mins those awful feelings came back from the time I used to be on Adderall pretty bad. I feel like shit as I am typing this but I am managing. Adderall to me is WAY different then Vyvanse as to how they make me feel. When I'm on Adderall I crave more and My anxiety goes through the roof which I am feeling it bad at the moment. So that was my slip up and this leads me to my next statement. Right now currently in my life I am very lonely and have no license to drive anywhere. I have a loving family by all means but I am not around them a lot unless its the weekends. I have a long road ahead of me with getting my life back on track through all the stuff that pertains to my DUI I got over a year ago. I am on probation, I am not allowed to drink alcohol which is a blessing because I cant stand feeling like crap the day after drinking and lets face it when you don't drink you're healthier and a better person. I enjoy not drinking but without my Vyvanse I don't have the mind set to push through these hard times especially on my OWN. I don't have a significant other at the moment because I have problems to fix in my life and I choose not to be in a relationship until some difficulties in my life pass. See the main reason a lot of people want to be off a drug is to get your old self back and just be you and I am the same way 100%. I want to be healthy as much as I can and don't want to be on any meds. But when Im on Vyvanse I don't have really any bad side affects that I do when I am on Adderall. I am not my "True Self" but I actually live better at THIS TIME in my life because I'm focused on where I need to be and it cures my depression. If I had a significant other I wouldn't be on Vyvanse 100% fact. I am only prescribed 20mg pills once a day and I can manage taking just that, at the most maybe 2 pills on certain days. So basically Is it wrong to get by with my Vyvanse during this time frame of my life until I get back on track. Its really really hard to do it on my Own like I said and the Vyvanse is like my significant other at the time being. I don't drink alcohol while I'm on it, I eat a lot and always healthier at that, I can still sleep while I'm on my Vyvanse, I exercise and I am determined more towards the future when I am on it. I know it can be done without meds but this time in my life I really think I should stay on it. I have like 12 more days until I can get my Vyvanse refilled and I am totally Ok with waiting it out and I don't mind it one bit. I'm not mad that I don't have them or count the days down or get excited when the time gets closer to getting them filled. Its just walking that FINE LINE to manage being on them or not and that's what sucks. I just wanted to express what I am going through and by no means am I giving up and being selfish saying that Its ok to be on a stimulant because I DONT want to be on anything I promise its just a time in my life that I think I need to focus on getting back on track. Its really hard to explain but yeah with taking the Adderall pill today I don't like it at all one bit. I wont ever go back to them but the Vyvanse I don't think is doing me any harm right now in my life. I want to be as healthy as I can and with being on a pill I know that Im not the healthiest I can be. Everyone on this site is not perfect and are beautiful in every way and I know I have a good heart but its that fine line that I cant overcome at least right now in my life. I have already beat Two big addictions in my life and One being Adderall and the other for the most part Alcohol. I went 7 months without a drop and Honestly that was one of the best thing that has happened to me because I know I can go without drinking because I actually did and now if I slip up and drink too much I tell myself its time to step back again and not drink so I have came a long way so far. Its just the time in my life where I think I should stay on my Vyvanse even though I wish I didn't have too. I know with time without being on them gets better with each day its just super hard to be completely sober from everything ALL AT ONCE ya know? I know I will be off them one day but doing everything at one time is overwhelming as it is with every addict struggling. Well that's my input on where Im at in my life and I will continue to read and explore this site. Adderall though is discusting and If you get off that or have been off everything that's is amazing and someday I will be too!! I praise everyone who beats addiction and I guess with being on my Vyvanse I don't think I would call myself an addict because I can go without them but Like I said I am not my true Self. ADHD is a bitch lol but we are unique people and I feel one of the strongest people out there at that. Anyways hang in there everybody I just needed to vent!! Much Love!! P.S. Oh and by the way Alcohol was my biggest downfall in my life and during my time with my Adderall addiction and drinking a lot I am surprised I survived so I am grateful for that I guess I am just taking baby steps to where I need to be! I also ordered some books that I am planning on reading about changing your mind and stuff like that and am making my faith stronger with the Man above so that helps also. Prayer does wonders as well because without my faith I wouldn't be where I am today. Not trying to get religious but it has worked for me to pray and seek a higher power. TAKE CARE EVERYONE!
  9. In the beginning of this year, the FDA approved Vyvanse for use in treating Binge Eating Disorders (BED). They say that the reason Vyvanse is effective for treating Binge Eating Disorders (BED) is because: a. It suppresses a user's appetite, making it easier to eat normally (or eat less food than normal) b. It helps control a user's impulsivity, which can often lead to binge eating. As someone with a mild case of Binge Eating Disorder (I binge-eat on 'cheat foods' about once a month pretty heavily for 1-3 days) as well as someone with an Adderall addiction (I am 6-months sober!), this article left me wondering if just maybe, I could give Vyvanse a try and I'll be fine taking it. Just maybe I won't get addicted, and I'll be able to overcome this eating problem at the same time. These are my thoughts: Maybe Vyvanse isn't as addictive as Adderall, and I won't abuse it. The suffering I feel from binge-eating is unbearable sometimes, and I don't know how else to overcome this food addiction. So maybe my only option is Vyvanse, to relieve me from this disorder? Even if Vyvanse is as addictive as Adderall, and I get addicted, at least it will help me stop binge-eating. I wonder if addiction to Vyvanse/amphetamines wouldn't be as painful/difficult as my addiction to food. In both addictions (drug and food), I withdraw from society, I isolate, I become anti-social and lonely, edgy and irritated with people, and my life generally becomes unmanageable. At least with Adderall, I still have the energy/motivation to get things done? After I binge, I stay in bed all day and usually fast or restrict calories until I feel recovered enough (from the binge) to get up and do what I need to do. Usually right after binges, I am too embarrassed to see people, because I think they can notice the weight I've gained from the binge Also, after I binge, the depression is unbearable. Sometimes I even feel suicidal. I can't stand to look at my body, and I don't like the feel of my body after a binge--i wish I could crawl out of my skin or sink into the floor boards until my body detoxes. After I recover from a binge, I feel OK, but it's those 3-5 days right after a binge that make me really question whether or not I should suffer through this anymore. After a binge, I always question whether going off Adderall was the right decision. If it could help me not think about food, and help me think about my body image in a more positive light, then maybe it's worth the addiction? Intellectually, deep-down inside, I have a feeling that I would abuse Vyvanse just as much as I would abuse Adderall, and I would end up in the same situation as I am now.. Does anyone else wonder whether they'd rather suffer from their issues around food, or suffer from an addiction to adderall? Does anyone have any experience getting sober from Adderall, then trying Vyvanse? Is Vyvanse just as addictive? Does anyone else suffer from bingeing, and then feeling incredibly depressed for several days after that? I can't seem to end this cycle, no matter how many times I tell myself that I will 'never binge-eat again,' I do it anyway. Usually within 3-4 weeks. It's as if I have no control. I am currently taking Wellbutrin for depression, which seems to help with my mood/energy level a bit, and I was prescribed Modafinil to help with motivation/energy/focus. I currently go to AA meetings (even though my problem is with Adderall and Benzos), and I have a sponsor. I would recommend the program to anyone I'm not religious, and I was very skeptical at first, but it has helped keep me sober. Thanks for listening -Stillbreathing
  10. Gamers

    Wondering if anyone on here plays PlayStation as that would be a good way for me to chat with members of this forum. If your a member in here and would like to chat with me let me know and I will send you my username on PSN in a direct message
  11. So I have been seeming to give myself more and more excuses regarding this AMAZING yet horrible amphetamine. Brief Background, was arrested frosh year in HS for distributing Ecstasy and got help and will always be grateful for the support I got from my family/friends at the time. By the second semester of that same year, I was allowed in HS, not using drugs/alcohol and was seeing a psychiatrist. First semester, I really complained about ADHD because I needed to catch up on grades due to the arrest/suspension. My psychiatrist tried to suggest non-stimulant medications at first which was good on her part. I tried welbutron and stratera, neither seemed to work AT ALL. I had a close friend who was prescribed Vyvanse and really recommended it to me saying it worked wonders. The first day I take it I was IN THE ZONE. A friend came up and actually asked "Hey why are you all focused instead of being disruptful and funny like usual?" Thats when I knew it wasn't only me who was noticing the affects. I ended up being a "miracle" to my friends, family, and all my teachers (recieved straight A's second semester after being prescribed vyvanse). What they or I didn't know or think about was that it WAS just the amphetamines making me this "miracle child" by senior year in HS I was up to 50 mg vyvanse/day, marching band president, popular among multiple groups and Had been accepted to a 4-year for Music Education. I love music with a passion, I can't describe how much I love it with words. Now, I'm a sophomore year in college, I was recieving vyvanse from my out of state Dr. and parents would mail it to my dorm for me. It got to the point where I decided to stay living at my college town not returning home for the summer and my regular Dr. who was out of state did not want to prescribe me anymore since it had been 6 months of not seeing each other in person. After recieving that news, that's when the addiction started to take off. I was worried HORRIBLY that I wasn't going to be able to get my regular fix of amphetamines. I went to a psychiatrist on campus and like every college Pro Drug health services, I was easily able to get generic Adderall IR 15mg twice a day. The problem started a few months ago when I was still on Vyvanse, I wasn't feeling the affects anymore after 2 hrs of taking it so I would empty the powder out of another into a glass of water not knowing how much of a dose I would end up taking by the end of the day ( I was on 60mg vyvanse taking probably an equivalent amt by emptying the powder multiple times and tbh i likely have taken 120mg vyvanse a day multiple times without knowing it). When I was prescribed the adderall, like every amphetamine felt like I was a god when I first tried instant-release feeling all of it hitting me at once. However, due to my high amphetamine tolerance as it is after a day I would need 3 15 mg IR tablets to get through my day. Now it's 5+ per day, nearly pulling all-nighters (have pulled about 6 all-nighters in the last two months) and when I don't have a full all-nighter I still stay up until sunrise and wake up around 2pm. Sure I've talked to friends here about this but being a college town, college students typically don't have much to say to help and wont take it seriously. I wonder if I were more honest with HOW much ive been taking maybe people would take me more seriously. The real issue is i don't want to stop taking it. I feel and notice a change in me and it's not a change I like HOWEVER it's also something I don't feel like I can stop. I came to the conclusion months before the abuse and only taking it as prescribed that I would remain on the drug my whole life. I have this feeling where I know I should stop taking it all together and also have this feeling where I simply can't see myself not on adderall. It's almost 5am now and I already have likely taken 100 MG of this drug. My question is, how do I go about doing this. I know if I continue at this rate I'll be in danger by the end of summer. Theres a large history of addiction in my family including my parents so I know there is ALWAYS someone I can go to for help, but don't feel necessarily ready to do so. I've been reading a ton of things on this website and finally felt the need to vent and let the world of addicts know they are not alone. I can relate to nearly ALL of these stories in one way or another. If I DO try to stop using this, is it even worth trying to be able to JUST take it as prescribed? Like weening myself down to the ACTUAL dosage I was given? Or weening down all-together? I am still in college, and feel that my passion for music and band in general has been greatly influenced by amphetamines. I feel if I were to not take them anymore, I would have to give up pursuing my dream music career. Please people, I need answers, help, and someone to care and I didn't know where else to go. I'd really appreciate some feedback. BTW, if it matters I'm a 20 y/o male.
  12. Articles on Adderall...

    I was thinking maybe here we can all post different articles on Adderall we stumble upon, not from this site...
  13. please help me so sad

    hi there, i stumbled upon this website out of desperation. i recently found a bottle of prescription adderall in my husbands car and i am completely devastated. it all makes sense now. we have 3 small children and this has become such a challenge. he is up for weeks at a time until 3:30 ish and then has a beer falls asleep and then begins his day. then after a couple of weeks he crashes for about 5 days. he wont stop sleeping, is super grumpy, he can have 6 cups of coffee and still sleep sleep sleep. he had this when i had our last baby. this is not him. this is not the person i met. he has been doing this since i can remember but i thought he had a different way of living. i am seriously so heart broken and feel so deceived. we have a family, we have children that look up to him. i cannot live with this behavior for ever. please anyone going though this addiction, help me to understand. how do i help him? how to i approach this conversation that must happen? how will he accept this? i promise you this is not a person who would be on this. i thought he was as clean as can be. i am no pure one, i did quite a bit of drugs and partying in my 20's so its not like i am naive. i am just surprised. please help me figure this out and figure out how to approach this? i just cant believe everything i am reading. it is all so him! he is so high and happy for weeks at a time, and then one friday after work he comes home and then he just sleeps and sleeps and nothing can wake him. i know he is suffering, because he is such a good man and dad. he tries to stay awake and be present with our little ones but he just can't. it breaks me heart. please help me help him. i would do anything to be here for him and help him through it.even if it takes a long time. help me figure this out please
  14. I've been medicated since I was 12 years old. Antidepressants of all classes (SSRI's, SNRI's, etc.) have never worked for me. I'm 21 now--hooked on 60 milligrams of adderall IR, 2mg of clonazepam, and 10mg of Ambien. I've been taking the clonazepam for drug-induced anxiety for two years now. I felt a little slow from it, and talked with my doctor. Vyvance was his recommendation; first 30mg, then 40mg, then my doctor said it's worth a shot to try adderall--starting me on 50 milligrams. Yes, 50, and I'm sure most are aware that vyvance is nowhere equivalent to adderall's potency. Clearly my doctor got his PhD out of a crackerjack box, but since I'm an addict, I was fine with it--excited actually. I'm starting to ramble and will get to the point. It's been one year now, and my life isn't what it used to be. Eventually I was boosted to 60mg, but that wasn't enough; I was running out of energy, wouldn't leave the house, etc. Don't ask how, but now I take 90-120mg to leave my room. I simply can't without it. I save the clonazepam for the crash, and take it all at the same time. Ambien is another friend that joined the group a couple months ago, which I must take for sleep or I'll be up until 5 a.m. (Like I am now). Adderall helped with my schoolwork, but I feel that I was taking so much that it turned into an OCPD sort of thing. The only fun I have now is if I'm alone; all I do is draw and write. I pretty much block everyone out of my life. My family, friends, and even my girlfriend don't know why I'm so antisocial. The thing is, I can't imagine my life without adderall. Like I read when I first checked out this site, I wonder who I would be right now if I wouldn't have taken that first pill. With my other two addictions (not including an immense amount of caffeine and nicotine) I know I need to quit adderall first (I can probably handle the ambien, but clonazepam withdrawal is hell). When I think about it, I imagine dropping out of school, losing my job, and permanently turning into a zombie. I've probably spent 45 minutes on this post. So my only question is: Can anyone help me, or can anyone relate to this amphetamine/benzo/z-drug addiction I'm dealing with? I'll respond in the late-afternoon.. Thanks.
  15. Hello my fellow quitters! Looks like we all have a story to tell. It blows my mind how many different paths or journeys have lead all us here to the same place. My Adderall usage spans out over a 6 year period and I can honestly say that I could right a book about it. I think it would be a top seller too, after all, it would include drugs, sex and money coupled with addiction and depression. Definitely a New York Times best seller! But I really can't go in to all that right now because I have a date with my daughter at 9pm to watch The Walking Dead which I am looking forward to. What I want t share with you guys I'm sure has been said here before, Heck, there is a good chance that no one will ever read this but I felt compelled to post it because it might just help one person out there stop using and that is so worth it to me. My addictions included not just Adderall but pain pills, klonopin, coke, cigarettes and weed. (I hope I'm allowed to say those things on here??) I say addiction but I think the better term is "dependent" but either way I needed and wanted those things everyday. About a year ago, my world came crashing down and I fell into a deep, dark depression. I wanted to end my life, in fact, I was going to. It seemed like the only option I had. I read somewhere that committing suicide is like a person jumping from the 88th floor in a burning building. It's not that they want to jump, it's just the better option between that or burning in a fire. My mom, who is my angel, knew what was going on and saved my life by asking me to just wait a while. I'm glad I did because now my wife still has a husband, my mom still has her son and most importantly, my daughter still has her daddy! That kicked off my first attempt to quit Adderall and everything. I lasted 3 months and then I started using again. I was fired from my job, the only job I have ever loved, and going back to work made me feel like I needed Adderall, so I started taking it. I felt like a failure but I knew I wanted to be drug free, I just didn't know how to get there. I was back to smoking, using and everything else when I got fired from my most recent job which lasted 3 whole months. How pathetic is that, right? With no job and an expensive drug habit, I knew I had to do something. This is where it gets interesting. About 2 months ago, I was looking for some pain pills when I was offered some Suboxone. I had heard about it before and really debated on whether or not I should buy some. I thought, well, if I can't find the good stuff, I'll just take this until someone calls me. Now, I am not saying it was a miracle drug that allowed me to stop everything cold turkey, however, what it did do was change my way of thinking long enough for me to turn my life around. I took a very low dose (1mg) every other day for about a week or so. I instantly stopped craving everything, and I mean everything! It even lifted my depression and I felt normal, to the point that I literally cried after about a week! Suboxone has a long half life, 72 hours I think, so I knew it was a matter of time before it wore off and I would be back to my old ways. But I felt SO good that I thought I'd finally start sleeping right, eating right and working out again to see if it would help me by the time the suboxone was out of my system. I'm a little over a month in to my "revelation" and it has been amazing! I am getting up every morning, eating healthy, working out and I spend my time listening to Joel Osteen. I'm not part of any organized religion but I do believe in God and that in order for him to help us, our minds have to be free and clear of any chemicals that are altering our brains. But I know He is with me now and that he had a plan for me this whole time. But what I find amazing are the little things. I am able to cope and deal with stress so much better now. I have emotions! I laugh, I cry, I get happy and sometimes I get sad. I think what brings me down the most is when I have to come to terms with the fact that I have hurt a lot of people these past several years, good people, people that I love and people that I miss. I try not to dwell on it but I do still have a life of regret that I have to deal with everyday. Well it's 9pm and I am off to watch our show. I do want to say that I am not a big advocate for suboxone or religion or whatever else that has helped me, but this is my story for now and I am happier today than I have been in a very long time. Good luck to all of you and God Bless!
  16. How do you stop missing it?

    I haven't taken them for months but in times of endless loneliness and boredom, how do you divert your attention? I feel as if I have nothing to look forward to than an amphetamine high. I know I can write tests, do projects and finish exams without adderall, I've proved it to myself last year when I went forever without a dose but now I just miss it and I'm looking for excuses to take it.
  17. Note: Mostly writing this if anyone has a similar experience. I know my is unique. I don't think many people get enophthalmia (extreme sunken eyes) from adderall. If you have, let me know by responding on this form considering it ruined my face, I would at least like an answer to wtf I did wrong. M/27/14 Term: 2 years, ~5 days a week sometimes 6 days a week Dosage: 20 mg IR Diagnosed: ADHD Possible Side Effects Experienced During and After: Autoimmune Disease resembling lupus/SLE, enophthalmia , Depression, Anxiety. Other diagnosis possibly unrelated: Kyphosis, Lordosis, Long Thoracic Nerve Palsy, Degenerative Disc Disease throughout Thoracic Spine Reason for quitting: Depression, Anxiety, refusing to up dosage, dependency. Medications Prior to Adderall: Bupropion (3 weeks, quit due decreased cognitive function a.k.a feeling like being on NyQuil) Concerta (3 days) My story starts like anyone else introduction to adderall at a later age. A friend gave me one of his 20 mg pill I took it to help with my studying because throughout my life I always had a problem with motivation and concentration. Now looking back on it, I was probably depressed, been depressed for a while after I dropped out of college at 21. At 25, I was clinging on to the hopes of just finishing classes without any sense of direction. After I took this single pill, I felt as though it opened up a whole new world for me. My perception of everything changed. I felt like a normal person, I could study, I could write, I have discipline, and I am finally happy! I can laugh again, it felt good to be a human being. It felt like I have been in the dark all this time but as soon as I took adderall I felt the warmth of the sun, energizing me, giving me hope for my own purpose once again. My anxiety just disappeared, my thought process quickened, and the euphoria was pretty awesome. I could actually start conversations and actually be charismatic! Holy shit! I never once in my life had that ability. I had no idea medications did this. It improved every aspect of my personality and mind without side effects?! (well, there as the crash, but to be expected form a stimulant. Caffeine has the same thing) After this, I thought getting a prescription would be good. I knew when I went on a mission to get prescribed, I didn't have ADHD, I might have ADD/ sleep apenia/some other disorder, but I felt it would be easy just to waltz on in and say I have adhd. Less expensive too I was 25 at the time without health insurance or much money. They asked me some questions and bam! got some... Concerta? Err... okay. Tried Concerta like lack luster results, I had energy and focus, but it was very erratic and unrefined. It felt like I was tweaking and it increased my anxiety 10X. I hated it. It felt like an introverted adderall, it helped some areas, but made others way worse. I couldn't afford to be like that. I waited 3 days, went back, got adderall. Easy peisy lemon squeezy. Within a year, I got a new job, moved out into my own apt, was doing good in school again. Shit, every time I look back, I wish I just stopped after the first year, but how did I know that it would lead into such a disaster. Second year, was losing it's effect. I got caught up in the cycle of being slightly depressed, but I didn't think it was the adderall. It happened after quitting smoking, so this has got be just a side effect. Kept blaming other things, vitamin deficiency, not enough sleep, diet. Yet, it just kept getting worse and worse. I started not even bothering to leave the house on the weekend unless it was worth it. Anxiety raised again during this time, it contributed to me not going out to socialize anymore. After a while, I started getting health problems, my eyes were sinking into the back of my head. My left shoulder was slumping forward more than my right. My friends and family said I looked sick and different (accused me of doing drugs). I withdrew from society even more and isolated myself. After that, I quit adderall hoping things would return to normal. 3 months later, now depression and anxiety are a constant thing now, I have trouble sleeping, trouble with classes, I thought of quitting my job more than once, doctor has diagnosed me with Lupis, long thoracic nerve palsy, degenerative disk disease and god knows what else. My facial structure has changed, I look like I aged 20 years in 6 months time. People say I look 35 years +. I look like a rat now. My eyes are permanently sunken in and it makes me feel embarrassed to look people in the eyes. Lets just say I no longer get complimented on my looks. Whenever I look in the mirror I don't see the same person either. Things haven't changed much since I started. You still reach a dead-end, at least I am in a better situation financially, but not by much with all the medical bills though. I sometimes wonder if Adderall expressed whatever disease/gene I was suffering from early, I seriously doubt it caused it, but probably triggered the gene expression sooner. I also think this is another reason why long term adderall users cannot last. After overclocking the system for so long, something just goes wrong. Adderall is the trigger, but your body would have expressed it sooner or later. Shit sucks. But I now have my mind back. I feel calmer and like I am whole again. I no longer question my decisions. I have less anxiety than before and my depression has dulled. It's still there, but now I know for sure Adderall made it worse. I am still isolated from society and I am not sure what to do. I think I might just join the military truth be told. Navy sounds good, Air Force would have been better (too late about to turn 28). With School debts, medical bills, shitty economy, I have nothing to lose, all my friends are abandoned me and my family has done the same. My motivation is crumbled yet again and I stand here wondering... wondering... being 27, the prime of my life, what is it that I should do?. After having the sense of drive so long, you kinda miss it. For now, I will take comfort in being sober again standing on my own two feet without any crutch, I may not walk any better, but at least I know I can try to run without having to carry it all the way through life. Such is life and so it goes...
  18. I've read so many stories and it's nice to know that I'm not alone. I'm a lifeguard full time and was prescribed the adderall to help me pay attention at work as I work at night as a stand up comedian. Obviously the adderall was amazing for both jobs. It made my days at work FLY by though I had to hide when I had a cigarette because no one wants to see a lifeguard smoking on the deck tweaked out on adderall... The drugs also helped me get from from my day job to shows that might be 30-40 miles away, do a set (drink before and during) then drive home to write more or just keep partying. I started binging almost immediately. Everywhere I went I had my bottle and an energy drink just in case I didn't feel UP enough. After almost two years of drinking, binging and running on empty I had a seizure in my sleep on June 9th. I lied to the doctors and paramedics about what I've been doing all the while convincing myself that the adderall had nothing to do with it. Even after that seizure I continued to binge and my doc dropped me from 30mg 2x daily down to the 20's (they were gone in 2 weeks, I paid cash from a dealer to get through the last two weeks). After that month I convinced him that I needed the 30s again and he obliged. I continually lied to him throughout and kept a 120/80 BP (don't know how) and resting heart rate of 60-65 because I would never take a pill before seeing him. 5 weeks ago I had another seizure in my sleep but the tunnel vision from the adderall just made me tell myself that it was a fluke. That I was fine. Yesterday I took roughly 100mg give or take 10 because it's a blur. My girlfriend who I love more than anything in the world left me a note on our table about how much I've been hurting her and neglecting her. I broke down right then and there and realized I wasn't myself anymore and that I don't like who I've become and what this drug has done to me. I asked her for her help and to take the pills from me and flush them. She did. Today is day 1 clean. It's been almost 24 hours and I know I'm in for a tough time. I'm really happy I found this site though and can share and interact with others going through the same thing as me. One day at a time...
  19. Just joined the site and wanted to make my first post. Got my script refilled on Tuesday and by Thursday I was already taking 120mg's of addy, and went from my normal, happy go lucky self, to a complete zombie at work where I would just sit at my desk and be "in the zone" and just act like a stuttering robot to anyone I talked too. I don't want to ramble on, but I still have half of my script left and I've decided that I am done with it. I don't want to go through the misery of having to plan on out when I will take my last pill so I can time the withdrawl and not have it affect my work/social life. I have decided to quit this amazingly addictive drug on my own terms. I am going to stay at a hotel for the weekend and go through my withdrawl with no one bothering me and will emerge from the hotel on Sunday adderall free. Love this site and love reading everyone's stories of success! -Chuck
  20. my life; controlled by adderall

    i am 23 years old. 5 years ago, i was introduced to a drug called vyvanse. i had never heard of anything like the description i was told about the medication before. i took one blue and white ER cap, which was (if i am correct) 70 mg. who knew that one small pill, one simple little medication could control my life in every aspect for the next 5 years, and counting. i will try to describe these next 5 years, as short, but in as much detail as i can. at first it was fun, more of a game per say. i could take these pills and have so much energy so much urge to clean, my house always looked amazing. my life seemed so entertaining. approx 30 maybe 45 days after taking vy every couple of days, i was introduced to adderall. my one and only addiction in life. its been 5 years, and 2 amazing children later, and i cannot quit. adderall has become my life; my bestfriend, my go to girl, my happiness, the first thing i do when i wake up. its what i look forward to in the mornings, i tell myself just get up, take your med, and get your day started everything will be fine once you take your pill. I HATE THIS! i started off taking 10 mg a day. i now am prescribed 60 mg a day. (since trying to come off, i have started taking less and less, but some days i cant help but to take more). i have done things i would have never imagined doing due to adderall. i have lost friends, relationships, money, my emotions, jobs, my life, my sex desire. i have no control of my life without it. it seems no matter how hard i try, how determined i am, i cannot get the idea out of my mind. i cannot break this horrible habit that i have grown to despise. my SO and i both have tried countless times to stop. and we were doing so well for long periods of times before. 8 or 9 weeks sometimes, and then one day, we start again. we have even started to snort our pills, which has caused sores in and out side of our nose sometimes. we are parents, and we look like we could be on some serious drugs because of the constant sores, the bags under our eyes due to lack of sleep, (8 days and 7 nights i have stayed up before). living this life is NOT what i want. i so badly want to become dependent on myself, on the beauty of the world. i don't want to continue to take medication to live. i do not want to spend money buying more and more each month due to my tolerance level increasing, and not only mine but his as well (he can't get his own script). i do not want to get caught selling drugs. i do not want to get caught buying drugs. i am terrified of what my life will become if i do not stop taking, snorting and abusing this medication. i am at a complete loss at what to do, my SO isn't ready to quit. therefore; it's going to be really hard to for me as well. social addiction is the worse, and the habit i have formed of snorting is just as bad. what can i do? i need help. i am finally ready to reach out and receive any and all the help that i can get. if there is anything you can offer me, any words of wisdom, and stories, experiences, please don't hesitate. i want you and i to help each other quit this horrible addiction we have allowed ourselves to create.
  21. My name is Matt Has anyone here been on this since a young age because I started on dexedrine and except for 3 years after I grauduated???? Did cosmetology, had a manic episode because I also have mani episodes naturally. Well this month the insurance said, Ritalin, Adderall or Desoxyn. Dexedrine went from a starting dose to 60 mg and a peak of 150 mg and I got back on that track because I need to learn more skills that I never learned growing up because I decorated cakes but then went to college for international studies and German double major... I work for a company that is a subsidiary for interpreting/translating with the head company of Linguavox. I am #4 in command now and I was cold on dexedrine but on Adderall I have that sociopath face going on. I am in a thing with a same sex couple of bi women but they are friends and this guy I liked was supposed to but I started adderall on the 11th and I was really into him and I get tattoos (suit and tie) from him and I just for to that point where I couldn't sleep and took more. 3 to be exact. I hate my job except for the free trips to numerous places. I am a dual citizen to Germany from my dad and my maternal grandparents are from there and I have always spoke both, learned fluent farsi at age 8 from neighbors because I was in love with the oldest brother in that family (they were neighbors from Iran). In college I learned French, Spanish and Italian at a proficient level not fluently, I don't sound native like I do with the other three. I am cold and have zero compassion. I will of course take time off from this to kiss up to the cute tattoo artist because although I have a clean cut suit and tie look, I have a split tongue and sleeve tatoos and used to be gothed out as a youth so it is like I am sneaky. They also think I am clean cut, rigid, uptight and the good lawyers and senator's wife I have either knew my mom or were part of the mania and dexedrine/adderall put together. I am bisexual and often respectable but I find myself into sadism so the two prominent (hot) lawyers I have as references both have been my gimps and done cocaine off my rear and the whole nine yards. I have a bi female couple that I am friends with benefits with and the tattoo dude who is an ex and a liar from 2005 so I just have him around and warm up when I want discounts. I have zero compassion on this. It "treats the hyperactivity" but I don't eat much and do the bender thing for a day or two, then space the rest out for work because I mediate conflicts to prevent them from going to HR and the VP and President are psychopaths so when I run people out creatively without risk of liability under the guise of suggestion and assertiveness, they love it. I am at the end of bender mode now and almost doing the haldol/klonopin crash out thing because I am on salary and go in 2 days a week at most because I am efficient. I hear out both sides put them both on the spot after and call them both liars and if they don't fill in the blanks then HR will deal with it and it's a black mark. The thing is, off of this, I am cheery, sweet and compassionate but I have the mouth of a truck driver and seem immature for 33 but I don't look old at all. I can say I can't do this much longer, at least the bender part and stopping it will be long and slow because I have to learn skills because my mom was an Adderall mom before it was cool. It was Dexedrine and Super Nintendo. As long as she didn't have to listen to my mouth. So, this is the end of the bender deal. Then I do the 5 days a week deal, and am hyper, funny and really feel for people on weekends. I do the depraved kinky stuff on this though and it really makes me have that part on overdrive. I usually stop now because I will get manic after 3 days and that is a beast. I have a perfect set of teeth but they are Zirconium implants thanks to my relatives in Germany. I could do the geographical cure but I have exes over there too and my cousin Markus is friends with them. I don't have any meth face type stuff going on and when I am not in work clothes, the teens tend to try to hit on me, which I hate. I was switched from Dex to Adderall again... and 60 mg of dexedrine felt like 90 mg of Adderall so she started me on that. What I need to do is taper off of it and stop this bender crap but with adderall it is hard. The IR doses aren't like slamming 300 mg of the XR but it still manages. I have to work up the bravery to have my nurse practitioner cut the dose so I have no choice but to do this or else I will die or go manic and lose it all potentially or win or get paranoid... sadly that part of me isn't choice based. I can love the world, be angry and violent, be grandiose and set goals and do well, paint and write music or get delusional and come up with complex calculus dissertations about Tachyon theory and it's application to the Bermuda and Formosa triangles (around where that plane disappeared from malaysia, they also call it the Devil's sea. I was in Algeria 3 weeks ago for a seminar and I went bender wild and good looking middle eastern/north african guys and women are just kryptonite to me. I learned farsi by teaching German to Pahdideh, the sister that was my age because I was 8 and that guy was 19 but I was obsessed with him until he moved and then I fell in love with this girl who was beautiful and sweet at first but went all bunny boiler on me. But are there drug abusers here that are hyper? because I was never in Special Ed classes, I was t 6th grade level English and knew more German in Kindergarten and I have always ran on tons of cylinders but Adderall makes me love the bender deal. This drug is horrible, I didn't do this much on dex because it is more mentally potent and didn't have that jolt to it but it is $500 a month and I have tried everything else... long acting dexedrine at 30 mg made me psychotic, like the FBI and CIA are going to kill me nuts. Aside from this I am a health nut, good cook, relatively stable and this probably makes no sense or someone is looking at this and thinking "been there". I would lose my job without it. I take supplements too. B vitamins, coq10, Magnesium. In a day or two the tattoo ex will be back in my heart and I live nowhere near landmark college anymore so I am safe from getting to that place again but the idea that these can't get you high or anything when you are hyper is a complete farce but I apparently have an IQ of 163 but I can't socially act older than 21 off of this shit. I also don't smoke or do drugs except this or drink although I used to trip, do ecstasy, cocaine and whatnot in my early 20's during manic episodes but I spend 3 days without eating, invite certain people over for sadism and gross things that make me the stereotype of bisexual that off of this I hate. I am turning into the slut stereotype who is "greedy". I don't say any of this with pride. I might be male but I know I am into monogamous relationships although last summer I broke off a 4 year relationship with a sweetheart in Germany... I went to Beirut with him on my birthday and there was a terrorist attack where they leveled a Christian neighborhood and we got out because EU and US passport holders can often be considered Israeli spies and they think the Israelis and/or Saudis did it. In Germany, I am very "Ordnung muss sein"... I barely need to take meds because my brain goes into a different mode when I speak German and structure and order comes natural somehow. If I move there, I would have an automatic job which they require because they will send you back if you go and just get on Hartz-IV (hearts fear is how it is pronounced) and it is the welfare of Germany. I am glad the summer mania and hyperactivity hit me young but I am to the point where this is old and my NP thinks I need more because I was diagnosed as a kid by one of the most respected neuropsychiatrists that specialize in children as a child before children even started getting the "bipolar" label but mine last for months to years and at 16 it landed me in a jail cell and every other time in nut wards so I have to avoid it although it is intense when you get manic... better than any drug, you feel this rush of energy that makes you feel like you can light up a city block. Having it be developmental though gives me insight and I come out quick. Many adults who are brilliant have one manic episode Sorry for the tirade I think when I brave up to have the dose cut to a minimal amount, I should get weekly supplies to learn those things that Dexedrine did raising me and get off of it. The benders to me are like getting manic by choice or something but the lack of sleep or anything but water, b-12, ginseng, caffeine pills and milk thistle and Lamictal of course make me look like Bill murray after a five day coke binge until I sleep it off, put the suit and tie on and put on my work persona... the sociopath face I get creeps me out... my eyes just look dead and my whole workplace goes silent when I walk in. This sounds like a male pig braggart type crap but it is embarrassing as hell. I bury the shame. My mom died in 2011 from lung cancer and obesity and overdosing on Oxycontin and Xanax... her partner said, "Your mother rolled over and smoked a marlboro light at 2:30 and never woke up again" and she died doing what she loved. She had borderline personality disorder so my coldness comes from the constant roller coaster with her. She used to hate one of us and we didn't exist while the other was the golden child... my brother was the slow, needy, lazy one that wouldn't amount to anything and I was the crazy one who was a genius who would either do better than the rest of the family or end up in jail for a murder spree. Our last email was a "CALL ME NOW!!" and then another 10 minutes later saying that if she regretted one thing, it was bringing 2 of the most narcissistic, sociopaths onto the planet." (that was her endearment). I laughed at it and I hate to say this but I was relieved that I no longer had to deal with the nonstop berating when she was guilting back into her love phase and as an adult it was calls 10 times a day, overrunning my life and then switching it up. This is embarrassing. Nice to meet you all and trust me, none of this is anything I find amusing or cool at all. I am not 21 and when I don't take it, I may act 21 but I am filled with emotions and am a different person.
  22. Hey guys, Hope all is well and everyone is having a great weekend so far. I have to admit something to all of you because I want to keep it 100% and I want to be as honest as possible. This morning I went to the wellness doctor/appointment my boyfriend got me for my birthday, which I asked for and wanted. It went well but I have to say, I have gained 20-very-unwanted-and-noticeable-lbs in the last 4 months and I am not happy about it and it's been driving me crazy (because I have been working out and eating kinda healthy). I guess not hard enough. I think it was the combo of quitting Adderall and being just on Zoloft and Birthcontrol, 2 medications known to make women gain weight -- me esp. The Zoloft made me crave crazy foods that I have never eaten and I wasn't even raised eating like white crabs and cookies and I would eat a full-balanced meal and still be hungry right after and it was very unnormal for me. But what is normal these days? And I don't want to make any excuses. They put me on some crazy ass 800cals a day diet. Um what? And gave me a B12 shot in my ass. They also gave me a daily multi-vitiums, stronger B12 pills (because I can't come in for the shots the next 2 weeks; my boss is going out of town and I have to do all her events including mine) and an appetite suppressant called Phentermine. Phentermine is a "…short-term (you can only take it a few weeks) adjunct in a regimen of weight reduction based on exercise, behavioral modification and caloric restriction…" and is a stimulate… I believe a Stage 4 and Adderall is a Stage 2. Way milder than Adderall but if I take it does this mean I relapse? And all that I have worked so hard for, will it all be gone and for nothing? I have a 2 week supply, they just gave me it at the appointment with all the other supplements and I told them my history with Adderall. They said it's fine. Part of me feels guilty as hell and I don't want to let you guys down or myself but another part of me just wants to take it for 2 weeks to get a jump start on my weightloss and help speed up my metabolism again. I don't know what to do. If I knew the "appetite suppressant" was going to be a stimulate, I probably wouldn't have gone. Maybe I was just being naive because I am so desperate to lose the weight I put on. For my job, I am in front of or on a small stage of a large group of people, anywhere between 15-60 people (teaching them to paint) and I don't want to think people are staring at me and judging me. I want to feel comfortable in my own skin again. Maybe I need to go talk to someone? But my new health insurance starts the beginning of June. Words of advice, anyone who is in or has been in a similar situation or suggestions, please help and let me know. I just don't know what to do anymore.
  23. Hey all, This is my first post here. I want to tell the story of my life over the last 6 years, how my life is now, and where I want to take it from this point. I have changed as a person since that first orange pill and I do not like what I have become. I hope I can find support here in order to get my old self back... the funny, caring, sociable, witty, kind, and sensitive person I used to be. Here it goes: I started taking Adderall IR back in my sophmore year of college because I was having trouble with my courses. I am a bright person and was in gifted classes as a child. I was simply not able to stay interested in my homework and studying long enough to get it done. I saw a psych and got a script for 20mg, once daily. Over the first 6mo of taking it only for school and study, my grades went from B-/C to A's. I was so pleased with this change and felt great about making the choice to take Adderall. Because I was now so successful in school, I began to feel confident in my everyday life, while not on the medication. I met a wonderful girl and we began a relationship. We moved in together after 6mo, and since January of this year, we have been engaged to marry in March 2015. I made her aware of my Adderall prescription early on, and she had no opinions about it so all was good. Over the first 6 months of taking Adderall for school, I would have extra pills left over and occasionally gave them to friends I would study with, etc. At about that time, I began to need more of the meds to get the task done and would start running out before next months refill. My doctor agreed to double my script to 60 tablets of 20mg. I was back in control now with the additional supply. I gave the extras to my study buddies, and even shared them with my girlfriend for her to study on. A year into my prescription, I started to take the medication for non school things like cleaning the house, getting things done at work, staying up late drinking with my friends(since alcohol makes me tired). Once in a while turned into a few days a week very quickly. I was getting spoiled by the superhuman ability to get things done while on adderall. I found myself taking 40,60,sometimes 90mg a day when i used. At this point it was not an everyday thing and i did not "crave" the drug, I just would take when I needed to get something completed. My sleep began to suffer, so my doc wrote me a script for Klonopin to help me sleep. I wasn't suffering from any side effects at this time. I strategically planned out the timing of my meals, etc so that I wouldn't lose weight. Looking back, I think this would be the time where I was beginning to plan my days and weeks around Adderall. in 2009, I graduated from College with a BS in Finance with Personal Investments focus. I now had no homework and thought about stopping my script. I did not stop it however, because I had been giving them to my girlfriend/fiance for a while for her studies and I wanted her to succeed like I had. I started taking the adderall when she did and would surf the net or clean the house, etc. I got hired by a big name investments firm 3mo after graduating and relied on my Adderall to get me thru the several licensing exams i had to complete. Every thing was fine during 2010, I was working and the GF and I would take Adderall. We never took it to the point where I would run out of pills early, but it was close. I would often have to ration them out. During 2011, our tolerances had grown and 60 20mg's per month were no longer adequate. My doc would not increase my dose. We would start taking a larger dose at one sitting, but compensated by not taking it as many days of the week. I found that I was starting to get lazy on non Adderall days... low motivation, very unfocused, sometimes a but crabby. I would save up things to do and knock them out over an 8 hour 90mg Adderall session. The same applied for my girlfriend, who had progressed to using not just for school. By the end of 2011, we found that Adderall was dictating our lives to a noticeable extent. We would buy some off friends when we ran out. This made me uncomfortable but I justified it with some sort of Adderall induced made up excuse or rationale. Over the next year, we continued to build tolerance and by 2012, I could handle 120mg a day and her 60-90. When I took Adderall during work, I turned into a supermachine. I was a top performer in my firm and was getting recognized and promoted. I would go to my interviews on Adderall which, looking back, prob got me the promotions. The success was not really me though, it was the Adderall. My boss's expectations of me were based on the levels of work I did on Adderall so I began to feel like a fraud. I would run out of my meds a week or more early, and had to buy from others to keep up the work performance. If I couldn't get some for a period of time, I would tell my boss I wasn't feeling well, blame things like bad luck, or simply call out sick. I was losing my motivation without adderall. After doing this routine for a year, I began to notice a lot of changes in my personality that had surfaced over the past few years. I was now anti-social....which was not how I was before Adderall. I had low interest in hanging with friends/family and would make up excuses as to why I didn't want to see them. I was taking so much adderall(120-140mg daily) that i was often fatigued. The day after a long adderall binge, I did not want to do anything or see anyone. My brain felt like mush and I physically felt like crap in general. I went out of my way to drink ensure shakes and eat healthy to help offset this. My sense of humor had all but vanished while on or off adderall. I stopped doing previously enjoyable activities like watching movies or listening to music, etc because those things weren't Adderall mindset tasks that I could satisfy myself by completing. Over the past 6 months, things have gotten to their lowest point. I am on written warning for work absence. I will take adderall too late in the day or too much and not be able to work the next day. Or I will be out of Adderall and not want to go to work because a workday without it sucks. This is hurting my performance on the job and I have not had a promotion in the past year. My life revolves around the drug, or the lack of it. When I get my monthly refill, my fiance and I go thru all 60 pills in about a week and then spend A LOT of money on Adderall from others to barely get us to next month. We often fall several days short and during that gap, our house turns into a mess, nothing productive gets done, and I find my ADD gets out of control. I will have a constant feeling of frustration because I don't have any Adderall and my extreme ADD behaviors often piss off my fiance. My fiance feels the same way and we fight more because we are grouchy over no adderall supply. We are not as close as we used to be because our common interest is adderall, which makes us self absorbed when we dose. So in effect, the Adderall is making us more distant. I have lost many of my friends because they got tired of being shot down when they invite me to do things. Here are the awful personality changes I have caused myself. I feel this way on and off adderall, with my longest off period being about 6 days..... I am unable to feel many emotions anymore. I feel like a shell of a person and most of my interactions with others seem like I'm just running thru the motions and feel fake. Everything in life has become task oriented and very serious. I look at everything thru a lens of what needs to be done and what is the fastest & most efficient way to do it. I have blinders on and miss the details of everyday life. I neglect my dogs sometimes because Im so self centered now. My memory sucks now and I often cannot remember important things that people tell me. I have these tics that I picked up from Adderall use. I hate the tics and others are annoyed by them as well. I have developed a panic disorder. I never had panic attacks until about a year ago. They are horrible and I thought I was having a heart attack the first time it happened, My fiance called 911, and I went to hospital in the ambulance, and spent 3 days there. They did every possible test related to my brain and cardio system and luckily found out that I am completely healthy. I was surprised that after this much Adderall abuse, my heart was in perfect shape. My Fiance hasn't abused as much or as long so she is prob fine, although her personality has changed like mine has. Also, we found ourselves not getting many important tasks accomplished on Adderall. I will get a wild hair and work on some pointless project for 5 straight hours which will end up being a total waste. The task was just something to stay busy with. I think that we are hooked on this medication because life feels boring without it and the tasks we do on the drug satisfy some awful adderall developed need/desire. We have essentially forgotten how to live our lives. I feel like I have to take the drug to do anything....... including social events, work, chores, even days alone at home. I hate the drug but I keep taking it. My fiance and I decided a couple weeks ago that we wanted to stop using Adderall. We made it 6 days before giving in to the temptation. I dug out my script from the kitchen drawer and had it filled. We proceeded to go thru all the pills in 5 days. That's 240mg per day between the two of us. I usually take 25% more than her, and I actually took about 180mg yesterday! Of course today I feel like complete shit because I went full throttle for the past 5 days, but also becaue I disappointed I failed my plan to stop. I have no more pills left, but I have several easy connections. I deleted their numbers and asked them not to sell me any if I ask, but I had done that before and it didn't work. If I want to get Adderall, I will make it happen. I am worried that I wont be able to stop before things get even worse. I am also concerned that my emotions are going to be stuck in a vacant state forever. I want my old self back. I want to laugh, love, and live. I want to be normal again. Today is day one of another attempt at quitting, and I worry it could become another fail. Please share any thoughts, ideas, words of encouragement, etc with me. I really want this.
  24. I am on day 64 without Adderall. I am wanting a Ritalin today I am overwhelmed and have such bad anxiety idk what to do. Does anyone have any info that states ur brain is automatically set back to the first stage by just a little? Doesn't any progress help? Is giving urself a little after doing so well the worst thing ever??? Answers please :/