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Found 95 results

  1. please help me so sad

    hi there, i stumbled upon this website out of desperation. i recently found a bottle of prescription adderall in my husbands car and i am completely devastated. it all makes sense now. we have 3 small children and this has become such a challenge. he is up for weeks at a time until 3:30 ish and then has a beer falls asleep and then begins his day. then after a couple of weeks he crashes for about 5 days. he wont stop sleeping, is super grumpy, he can have 6 cups of coffee and still sleep sleep sleep. he had this when i had our last baby. this is not him. this is not the person i met. he has been doing this since i can remember but i thought he had a different way of living. i am seriously so heart broken and feel so deceived. we have a family, we have children that look up to him. i cannot live with this behavior for ever. please anyone going though this addiction, help me to understand. how do i help him? how to i approach this conversation that must happen? how will he accept this? i promise you this is not a person who would be on this. i thought he was as clean as can be. i am no pure one, i did quite a bit of drugs and partying in my 20's so its not like i am naive. i am just surprised. please help me figure this out and figure out how to approach this? i just cant believe everything i am reading. it is all so him! he is so high and happy for weeks at a time, and then one friday after work he comes home and then he just sleeps and sleeps and nothing can wake him. i know he is suffering, because he is such a good man and dad. he tries to stay awake and be present with our little ones but he just can't. it breaks me heart. please help me help him. i would do anything to be here for him and help him through it.even if it takes a long time. help me figure this out please
  2. I've been medicated since I was 12 years old. Antidepressants of all classes (SSRI's, SNRI's, etc.) have never worked for me. I'm 21 now--hooked on 60 milligrams of adderall IR, 2mg of clonazepam, and 10mg of Ambien. I've been taking the clonazepam for drug-induced anxiety for two years now. I felt a little slow from it, and talked with my doctor. Vyvance was his recommendation; first 30mg, then 40mg, then my doctor said it's worth a shot to try adderall--starting me on 50 milligrams. Yes, 50, and I'm sure most are aware that vyvance is nowhere equivalent to adderall's potency. Clearly my doctor got his PhD out of a crackerjack box, but since I'm an addict, I was fine with it--excited actually. I'm starting to ramble and will get to the point. It's been one year now, and my life isn't what it used to be. Eventually I was boosted to 60mg, but that wasn't enough; I was running out of energy, wouldn't leave the house, etc. Don't ask how, but now I take 90-120mg to leave my room. I simply can't without it. I save the clonazepam for the crash, and take it all at the same time. Ambien is another friend that joined the group a couple months ago, which I must take for sleep or I'll be up until 5 a.m. (Like I am now). Adderall helped with my schoolwork, but I feel that I was taking so much that it turned into an OCPD sort of thing. The only fun I have now is if I'm alone; all I do is draw and write. I pretty much block everyone out of my life. My family, friends, and even my girlfriend don't know why I'm so antisocial. The thing is, I can't imagine my life without adderall. Like I read when I first checked out this site, I wonder who I would be right now if I wouldn't have taken that first pill. With my other two addictions (not including an immense amount of caffeine and nicotine) I know I need to quit adderall first (I can probably handle the ambien, but clonazepam withdrawal is hell). When I think about it, I imagine dropping out of school, losing my job, and permanently turning into a zombie. I've probably spent 45 minutes on this post. So my only question is: Can anyone help me, or can anyone relate to this amphetamine/benzo/z-drug addiction I'm dealing with? I'll respond in the late-afternoon.. Thanks.
  3. Hello my fellow quitters! Looks like we all have a story to tell. It blows my mind how many different paths or journeys have lead all us here to the same place. My Adderall usage spans out over a 6 year period and I can honestly say that I could right a book about it. I think it would be a top seller too, after all, it would include drugs, sex and money coupled with addiction and depression. Definitely a New York Times best seller! But I really can't go in to all that right now because I have a date with my daughter at 9pm to watch The Walking Dead which I am looking forward to. What I want t share with you guys I'm sure has been said here before, Heck, there is a good chance that no one will ever read this but I felt compelled to post it because it might just help one person out there stop using and that is so worth it to me. My addictions included not just Adderall but pain pills, klonopin, coke, cigarettes and weed. (I hope I'm allowed to say those things on here??) I say addiction but I think the better term is "dependent" but either way I needed and wanted those things everyday. About a year ago, my world came crashing down and I fell into a deep, dark depression. I wanted to end my life, in fact, I was going to. It seemed like the only option I had. I read somewhere that committing suicide is like a person jumping from the 88th floor in a burning building. It's not that they want to jump, it's just the better option between that or burning in a fire. My mom, who is my angel, knew what was going on and saved my life by asking me to just wait a while. I'm glad I did because now my wife still has a husband, my mom still has her son and most importantly, my daughter still has her daddy! That kicked off my first attempt to quit Adderall and everything. I lasted 3 months and then I started using again. I was fired from my job, the only job I have ever loved, and going back to work made me feel like I needed Adderall, so I started taking it. I felt like a failure but I knew I wanted to be drug free, I just didn't know how to get there. I was back to smoking, using and everything else when I got fired from my most recent job which lasted 3 whole months. How pathetic is that, right? With no job and an expensive drug habit, I knew I had to do something. This is where it gets interesting. About 2 months ago, I was looking for some pain pills when I was offered some Suboxone. I had heard about it before and really debated on whether or not I should buy some. I thought, well, if I can't find the good stuff, I'll just take this until someone calls me. Now, I am not saying it was a miracle drug that allowed me to stop everything cold turkey, however, what it did do was change my way of thinking long enough for me to turn my life around. I took a very low dose (1mg) every other day for about a week or so. I instantly stopped craving everything, and I mean everything! It even lifted my depression and I felt normal, to the point that I literally cried after about a week! Suboxone has a long half life, 72 hours I think, so I knew it was a matter of time before it wore off and I would be back to my old ways. But I felt SO good that I thought I'd finally start sleeping right, eating right and working out again to see if it would help me by the time the suboxone was out of my system. I'm a little over a month in to my "revelation" and it has been amazing! I am getting up every morning, eating healthy, working out and I spend my time listening to Joel Osteen. I'm not part of any organized religion but I do believe in God and that in order for him to help us, our minds have to be free and clear of any chemicals that are altering our brains. But I know He is with me now and that he had a plan for me this whole time. But what I find amazing are the little things. I am able to cope and deal with stress so much better now. I have emotions! I laugh, I cry, I get happy and sometimes I get sad. I think what brings me down the most is when I have to come to terms with the fact that I have hurt a lot of people these past several years, good people, people that I love and people that I miss. I try not to dwell on it but I do still have a life of regret that I have to deal with everyday. Well it's 9pm and I am off to watch our show. I do want to say that I am not a big advocate for suboxone or religion or whatever else that has helped me, but this is my story for now and I am happier today than I have been in a very long time. Good luck to all of you and God Bless!
  4. How do you stop missing it?

    I haven't taken them for months but in times of endless loneliness and boredom, how do you divert your attention? I feel as if I have nothing to look forward to than an amphetamine high. I know I can write tests, do projects and finish exams without adderall, I've proved it to myself last year when I went forever without a dose but now I just miss it and I'm looking for excuses to take it.
  5. Note: Mostly writing this if anyone has a similar experience. I know my is unique. I don't think many people get enophthalmia (extreme sunken eyes) from adderall. If you have, let me know by responding on this form considering it ruined my face, I would at least like an answer to wtf I did wrong. M/27/14 Term: 2 years, ~5 days a week sometimes 6 days a week Dosage: 20 mg IR Diagnosed: ADHD Possible Side Effects Experienced During and After: Autoimmune Disease resembling lupus/SLE, enophthalmia , Depression, Anxiety. Other diagnosis possibly unrelated: Kyphosis, Lordosis, Long Thoracic Nerve Palsy, Degenerative Disc Disease throughout Thoracic Spine Reason for quitting: Depression, Anxiety, refusing to up dosage, dependency. Medications Prior to Adderall: Bupropion (3 weeks, quit due decreased cognitive function a.k.a feeling like being on NyQuil) Concerta (3 days) My story starts like anyone else introduction to adderall at a later age. A friend gave me one of his 20 mg pill I took it to help with my studying because throughout my life I always had a problem with motivation and concentration. Now looking back on it, I was probably depressed, been depressed for a while after I dropped out of college at 21. At 25, I was clinging on to the hopes of just finishing classes without any sense of direction. After I took this single pill, I felt as though it opened up a whole new world for me. My perception of everything changed. I felt like a normal person, I could study, I could write, I have discipline, and I am finally happy! I can laugh again, it felt good to be a human being. It felt like I have been in the dark all this time but as soon as I took adderall I felt the warmth of the sun, energizing me, giving me hope for my own purpose once again. My anxiety just disappeared, my thought process quickened, and the euphoria was pretty awesome. I could actually start conversations and actually be charismatic! Holy shit! I never once in my life had that ability. I had no idea medications did this. It improved every aspect of my personality and mind without side effects?! (well, there as the crash, but to be expected form a stimulant. Caffeine has the same thing) After this, I thought getting a prescription would be good. I knew when I went on a mission to get prescribed, I didn't have ADHD, I might have ADD/ sleep apenia/some other disorder, but I felt it would be easy just to waltz on in and say I have adhd. Less expensive too I was 25 at the time without health insurance or much money. They asked me some questions and bam! got some... Concerta? Err... okay. Tried Concerta like lack luster results, I had energy and focus, but it was very erratic and unrefined. It felt like I was tweaking and it increased my anxiety 10X. I hated it. It felt like an introverted adderall, it helped some areas, but made others way worse. I couldn't afford to be like that. I waited 3 days, went back, got adderall. Easy peisy lemon squeezy. Within a year, I got a new job, moved out into my own apt, was doing good in school again. Shit, every time I look back, I wish I just stopped after the first year, but how did I know that it would lead into such a disaster. Second year, was losing it's effect. I got caught up in the cycle of being slightly depressed, but I didn't think it was the adderall. It happened after quitting smoking, so this has got be just a side effect. Kept blaming other things, vitamin deficiency, not enough sleep, diet. Yet, it just kept getting worse and worse. I started not even bothering to leave the house on the weekend unless it was worth it. Anxiety raised again during this time, it contributed to me not going out to socialize anymore. After a while, I started getting health problems, my eyes were sinking into the back of my head. My left shoulder was slumping forward more than my right. My friends and family said I looked sick and different (accused me of doing drugs). I withdrew from society even more and isolated myself. After that, I quit adderall hoping things would return to normal. 3 months later, now depression and anxiety are a constant thing now, I have trouble sleeping, trouble with classes, I thought of quitting my job more than once, doctor has diagnosed me with Lupis, long thoracic nerve palsy, degenerative disk disease and god knows what else. My facial structure has changed, I look like I aged 20 years in 6 months time. People say I look 35 years +. I look like a rat now. My eyes are permanently sunken in and it makes me feel embarrassed to look people in the eyes. Lets just say I no longer get complimented on my looks. Whenever I look in the mirror I don't see the same person either. Things haven't changed much since I started. You still reach a dead-end, at least I am in a better situation financially, but not by much with all the medical bills though. I sometimes wonder if Adderall expressed whatever disease/gene I was suffering from early, I seriously doubt it caused it, but probably triggered the gene expression sooner. I also think this is another reason why long term adderall users cannot last. After overclocking the system for so long, something just goes wrong. Adderall is the trigger, but your body would have expressed it sooner or later. Shit sucks. But I now have my mind back. I feel calmer and like I am whole again. I no longer question my decisions. I have less anxiety than before and my depression has dulled. It's still there, but now I know for sure Adderall made it worse. I am still isolated from society and I am not sure what to do. I think I might just join the military truth be told. Navy sounds good, Air Force would have been better (too late about to turn 28). With School debts, medical bills, shitty economy, I have nothing to lose, all my friends are abandoned me and my family has done the same. My motivation is crumbled yet again and I stand here wondering... wondering... being 27, the prime of my life, what is it that I should do?. After having the sense of drive so long, you kinda miss it. For now, I will take comfort in being sober again standing on my own two feet without any crutch, I may not walk any better, but at least I know I can try to run without having to carry it all the way through life. Such is life and so it goes...
  6. I've read so many stories and it's nice to know that I'm not alone. I'm a lifeguard full time and was prescribed the adderall to help me pay attention at work as I work at night as a stand up comedian. Obviously the adderall was amazing for both jobs. It made my days at work FLY by though I had to hide when I had a cigarette because no one wants to see a lifeguard smoking on the deck tweaked out on adderall... The drugs also helped me get from from my day job to shows that might be 30-40 miles away, do a set (drink before and during) then drive home to write more or just keep partying. I started binging almost immediately. Everywhere I went I had my bottle and an energy drink just in case I didn't feel UP enough. After almost two years of drinking, binging and running on empty I had a seizure in my sleep on June 9th. I lied to the doctors and paramedics about what I've been doing all the while convincing myself that the adderall had nothing to do with it. Even after that seizure I continued to binge and my doc dropped me from 30mg 2x daily down to the 20's (they were gone in 2 weeks, I paid cash from a dealer to get through the last two weeks). After that month I convinced him that I needed the 30s again and he obliged. I continually lied to him throughout and kept a 120/80 BP (don't know how) and resting heart rate of 60-65 because I would never take a pill before seeing him. 5 weeks ago I had another seizure in my sleep but the tunnel vision from the adderall just made me tell myself that it was a fluke. That I was fine. Yesterday I took roughly 100mg give or take 10 because it's a blur. My girlfriend who I love more than anything in the world left me a note on our table about how much I've been hurting her and neglecting her. I broke down right then and there and realized I wasn't myself anymore and that I don't like who I've become and what this drug has done to me. I asked her for her help and to take the pills from me and flush them. She did. Today is day 1 clean. It's been almost 24 hours and I know I'm in for a tough time. I'm really happy I found this site though and can share and interact with others going through the same thing as me. One day at a time...
  7. Just joined the site and wanted to make my first post. Got my script refilled on Tuesday and by Thursday I was already taking 120mg's of addy, and went from my normal, happy go lucky self, to a complete zombie at work where I would just sit at my desk and be "in the zone" and just act like a stuttering robot to anyone I talked too. I don't want to ramble on, but I still have half of my script left and I've decided that I am done with it. I don't want to go through the misery of having to plan on out when I will take my last pill so I can time the withdrawl and not have it affect my work/social life. I have decided to quit this amazingly addictive drug on my own terms. I am going to stay at a hotel for the weekend and go through my withdrawl with no one bothering me and will emerge from the hotel on Sunday adderall free. Love this site and love reading everyone's stories of success! -Chuck
  8. my life; controlled by adderall

    i am 23 years old. 5 years ago, i was introduced to a drug called vyvanse. i had never heard of anything like the description i was told about the medication before. i took one blue and white ER cap, which was (if i am correct) 70 mg. who knew that one small pill, one simple little medication could control my life in every aspect for the next 5 years, and counting. i will try to describe these next 5 years, as short, but in as much detail as i can. at first it was fun, more of a game per say. i could take these pills and have so much energy so much urge to clean, my house always looked amazing. my life seemed so entertaining. approx 30 maybe 45 days after taking vy every couple of days, i was introduced to adderall. my one and only addiction in life. its been 5 years, and 2 amazing children later, and i cannot quit. adderall has become my life; my bestfriend, my go to girl, my happiness, the first thing i do when i wake up. its what i look forward to in the mornings, i tell myself just get up, take your med, and get your day started everything will be fine once you take your pill. I HATE THIS! i started off taking 10 mg a day. i now am prescribed 60 mg a day. (since trying to come off, i have started taking less and less, but some days i cant help but to take more). i have done things i would have never imagined doing due to adderall. i have lost friends, relationships, money, my emotions, jobs, my life, my sex desire. i have no control of my life without it. it seems no matter how hard i try, how determined i am, i cannot get the idea out of my mind. i cannot break this horrible habit that i have grown to despise. my SO and i both have tried countless times to stop. and we were doing so well for long periods of times before. 8 or 9 weeks sometimes, and then one day, we start again. we have even started to snort our pills, which has caused sores in and out side of our nose sometimes. we are parents, and we look like we could be on some serious drugs because of the constant sores, the bags under our eyes due to lack of sleep, (8 days and 7 nights i have stayed up before). living this life is NOT what i want. i so badly want to become dependent on myself, on the beauty of the world. i don't want to continue to take medication to live. i do not want to spend money buying more and more each month due to my tolerance level increasing, and not only mine but his as well (he can't get his own script). i do not want to get caught selling drugs. i do not want to get caught buying drugs. i am terrified of what my life will become if i do not stop taking, snorting and abusing this medication. i am at a complete loss at what to do, my SO isn't ready to quit. therefore; it's going to be really hard to for me as well. social addiction is the worse, and the habit i have formed of snorting is just as bad. what can i do? i need help. i am finally ready to reach out and receive any and all the help that i can get. if there is anything you can offer me, any words of wisdom, and stories, experiences, please don't hesitate. i want you and i to help each other quit this horrible addiction we have allowed ourselves to create.
  9. My name is Matt Has anyone here been on this since a young age because I started on dexedrine and except for 3 years after I grauduated???? Did cosmetology, had a manic episode because I also have mani episodes naturally. Well this month the insurance said, Ritalin, Adderall or Desoxyn. Dexedrine went from a starting dose to 60 mg and a peak of 150 mg and I got back on that track because I need to learn more skills that I never learned growing up because I decorated cakes but then went to college for international studies and German double major... I work for a company that is a subsidiary for interpreting/translating with the head company of Linguavox. I am #4 in command now and I was cold on dexedrine but on Adderall I have that sociopath face going on. I am in a thing with a same sex couple of bi women but they are friends and this guy I liked was supposed to but I started adderall on the 11th and I was really into him and I get tattoos (suit and tie) from him and I just for to that point where I couldn't sleep and took more. 3 to be exact. I hate my job except for the free trips to numerous places. I am a dual citizen to Germany from my dad and my maternal grandparents are from there and I have always spoke both, learned fluent farsi at age 8 from neighbors because I was in love with the oldest brother in that family (they were neighbors from Iran). In college I learned French, Spanish and Italian at a proficient level not fluently, I don't sound native like I do with the other three. I am cold and have zero compassion. I will of course take time off from this to kiss up to the cute tattoo artist because although I have a clean cut suit and tie look, I have a split tongue and sleeve tatoos and used to be gothed out as a youth so it is like I am sneaky. They also think I am clean cut, rigid, uptight and the good lawyers and senator's wife I have either knew my mom or were part of the mania and dexedrine/adderall put together. I am bisexual and often respectable but I find myself into sadism so the two prominent (hot) lawyers I have as references both have been my gimps and done cocaine off my rear and the whole nine yards. I have a bi female couple that I am friends with benefits with and the tattoo dude who is an ex and a liar from 2005 so I just have him around and warm up when I want discounts. I have zero compassion on this. It "treats the hyperactivity" but I don't eat much and do the bender thing for a day or two, then space the rest out for work because I mediate conflicts to prevent them from going to HR and the VP and President are psychopaths so when I run people out creatively without risk of liability under the guise of suggestion and assertiveness, they love it. I am at the end of bender mode now and almost doing the haldol/klonopin crash out thing because I am on salary and go in 2 days a week at most because I am efficient. I hear out both sides put them both on the spot after and call them both liars and if they don't fill in the blanks then HR will deal with it and it's a black mark. The thing is, off of this, I am cheery, sweet and compassionate but I have the mouth of a truck driver and seem immature for 33 but I don't look old at all. I can say I can't do this much longer, at least the bender part and stopping it will be long and slow because I have to learn skills because my mom was an Adderall mom before it was cool. It was Dexedrine and Super Nintendo. As long as she didn't have to listen to my mouth. So, this is the end of the bender deal. Then I do the 5 days a week deal, and am hyper, funny and really feel for people on weekends. I do the depraved kinky stuff on this though and it really makes me have that part on overdrive. I usually stop now because I will get manic after 3 days and that is a beast. I have a perfect set of teeth but they are Zirconium implants thanks to my relatives in Germany. I could do the geographical cure but I have exes over there too and my cousin Markus is friends with them. I don't have any meth face type stuff going on and when I am not in work clothes, the teens tend to try to hit on me, which I hate. I was switched from Dex to Adderall again... and 60 mg of dexedrine felt like 90 mg of Adderall so she started me on that. What I need to do is taper off of it and stop this bender crap but with adderall it is hard. The IR doses aren't like slamming 300 mg of the XR but it still manages. I have to work up the bravery to have my nurse practitioner cut the dose so I have no choice but to do this or else I will die or go manic and lose it all potentially or win or get paranoid... sadly that part of me isn't choice based. I can love the world, be angry and violent, be grandiose and set goals and do well, paint and write music or get delusional and come up with complex calculus dissertations about Tachyon theory and it's application to the Bermuda and Formosa triangles (around where that plane disappeared from malaysia, they also call it the Devil's sea. I was in Algeria 3 weeks ago for a seminar and I went bender wild and good looking middle eastern/north african guys and women are just kryptonite to me. I learned farsi by teaching German to Pahdideh, the sister that was my age because I was 8 and that guy was 19 but I was obsessed with him until he moved and then I fell in love with this girl who was beautiful and sweet at first but went all bunny boiler on me. But are there drug abusers here that are hyper? because I was never in Special Ed classes, I was t 6th grade level English and knew more German in Kindergarten and I have always ran on tons of cylinders but Adderall makes me love the bender deal. This drug is horrible, I didn't do this much on dex because it is more mentally potent and didn't have that jolt to it but it is $500 a month and I have tried everything else... long acting dexedrine at 30 mg made me psychotic, like the FBI and CIA are going to kill me nuts. Aside from this I am a health nut, good cook, relatively stable and this probably makes no sense or someone is looking at this and thinking "been there". I would lose my job without it. I take supplements too. B vitamins, coq10, Magnesium. In a day or two the tattoo ex will be back in my heart and I live nowhere near landmark college anymore so I am safe from getting to that place again but the idea that these can't get you high or anything when you are hyper is a complete farce but I apparently have an IQ of 163 but I can't socially act older than 21 off of this shit. I also don't smoke or do drugs except this or drink although I used to trip, do ecstasy, cocaine and whatnot in my early 20's during manic episodes but I spend 3 days without eating, invite certain people over for sadism and gross things that make me the stereotype of bisexual that off of this I hate. I am turning into the slut stereotype who is "greedy". I don't say any of this with pride. I might be male but I know I am into monogamous relationships although last summer I broke off a 4 year relationship with a sweetheart in Germany... I went to Beirut with him on my birthday and there was a terrorist attack where they leveled a Christian neighborhood and we got out because EU and US passport holders can often be considered Israeli spies and they think the Israelis and/or Saudis did it. In Germany, I am very "Ordnung muss sein"... I barely need to take meds because my brain goes into a different mode when I speak German and structure and order comes natural somehow. If I move there, I would have an automatic job which they require because they will send you back if you go and just get on Hartz-IV (hearts fear is how it is pronounced) and it is the welfare of Germany. I am glad the summer mania and hyperactivity hit me young but I am to the point where this is old and my NP thinks I need more because I was diagnosed as a kid by one of the most respected neuropsychiatrists that specialize in children as a child before children even started getting the "bipolar" label but mine last for months to years and at 16 it landed me in a jail cell and every other time in nut wards so I have to avoid it although it is intense when you get manic... better than any drug, you feel this rush of energy that makes you feel like you can light up a city block. Having it be developmental though gives me insight and I come out quick. Many adults who are brilliant have one manic episode Sorry for the tirade I think when I brave up to have the dose cut to a minimal amount, I should get weekly supplies to learn those things that Dexedrine did raising me and get off of it. The benders to me are like getting manic by choice or something but the lack of sleep or anything but water, b-12, ginseng, caffeine pills and milk thistle and Lamictal of course make me look like Bill murray after a five day coke binge until I sleep it off, put the suit and tie on and put on my work persona... the sociopath face I get creeps me out... my eyes just look dead and my whole workplace goes silent when I walk in. This sounds like a male pig braggart type crap but it is embarrassing as hell. I bury the shame. My mom died in 2011 from lung cancer and obesity and overdosing on Oxycontin and Xanax... her partner said, "Your mother rolled over and smoked a marlboro light at 2:30 and never woke up again" and she died doing what she loved. She had borderline personality disorder so my coldness comes from the constant roller coaster with her. She used to hate one of us and we didn't exist while the other was the golden child... my brother was the slow, needy, lazy one that wouldn't amount to anything and I was the crazy one who was a genius who would either do better than the rest of the family or end up in jail for a murder spree. Our last email was a "CALL ME NOW!!" and then another 10 minutes later saying that if she regretted one thing, it was bringing 2 of the most narcissistic, sociopaths onto the planet." (that was her endearment). I laughed at it and I hate to say this but I was relieved that I no longer had to deal with the nonstop berating when she was guilting back into her love phase and as an adult it was calls 10 times a day, overrunning my life and then switching it up. This is embarrassing. Nice to meet you all and trust me, none of this is anything I find amusing or cool at all. I am not 21 and when I don't take it, I may act 21 but I am filled with emotions and am a different person.
  10. Hey guys, Hope all is well and everyone is having a great weekend so far. I have to admit something to all of you because I want to keep it 100% and I want to be as honest as possible. This morning I went to the wellness doctor/appointment my boyfriend got me for my birthday, which I asked for and wanted. It went well but I have to say, I have gained 20-very-unwanted-and-noticeable-lbs in the last 4 months and I am not happy about it and it's been driving me crazy (because I have been working out and eating kinda healthy). I guess not hard enough. I think it was the combo of quitting Adderall and being just on Zoloft and Birthcontrol, 2 medications known to make women gain weight -- me esp. The Zoloft made me crave crazy foods that I have never eaten and I wasn't even raised eating like white crabs and cookies and I would eat a full-balanced meal and still be hungry right after and it was very unnormal for me. But what is normal these days? And I don't want to make any excuses. They put me on some crazy ass 800cals a day diet. Um what? And gave me a B12 shot in my ass. They also gave me a daily multi-vitiums, stronger B12 pills (because I can't come in for the shots the next 2 weeks; my boss is going out of town and I have to do all her events including mine) and an appetite suppressant called Phentermine. Phentermine is a "…short-term (you can only take it a few weeks) adjunct in a regimen of weight reduction based on exercise, behavioral modification and caloric restriction…" and is a stimulate… I believe a Stage 4 and Adderall is a Stage 2. Way milder than Adderall but if I take it does this mean I relapse? And all that I have worked so hard for, will it all be gone and for nothing? I have a 2 week supply, they just gave me it at the appointment with all the other supplements and I told them my history with Adderall. They said it's fine. Part of me feels guilty as hell and I don't want to let you guys down or myself but another part of me just wants to take it for 2 weeks to get a jump start on my weightloss and help speed up my metabolism again. I don't know what to do. If I knew the "appetite suppressant" was going to be a stimulate, I probably wouldn't have gone. Maybe I was just being naive because I am so desperate to lose the weight I put on. For my job, I am in front of or on a small stage of a large group of people, anywhere between 15-60 people (teaching them to paint) and I don't want to think people are staring at me and judging me. I want to feel comfortable in my own skin again. Maybe I need to go talk to someone? But my new health insurance starts the beginning of June. Words of advice, anyone who is in or has been in a similar situation or suggestions, please help and let me know. I just don't know what to do anymore.
  11. Hey all, This is my first post here. I want to tell the story of my life over the last 6 years, how my life is now, and where I want to take it from this point. I have changed as a person since that first orange pill and I do not like what I have become. I hope I can find support here in order to get my old self back... the funny, caring, sociable, witty, kind, and sensitive person I used to be. Here it goes: I started taking Adderall IR back in my sophmore year of college because I was having trouble with my courses. I am a bright person and was in gifted classes as a child. I was simply not able to stay interested in my homework and studying long enough to get it done. I saw a psych and got a script for 20mg, once daily. Over the first 6mo of taking it only for school and study, my grades went from B-/C to A's. I was so pleased with this change and felt great about making the choice to take Adderall. Because I was now so successful in school, I began to feel confident in my everyday life, while not on the medication. I met a wonderful girl and we began a relationship. We moved in together after 6mo, and since January of this year, we have been engaged to marry in March 2015. I made her aware of my Adderall prescription early on, and she had no opinions about it so all was good. Over the first 6 months of taking Adderall for school, I would have extra pills left over and occasionally gave them to friends I would study with, etc. At about that time, I began to need more of the meds to get the task done and would start running out before next months refill. My doctor agreed to double my script to 60 tablets of 20mg. I was back in control now with the additional supply. I gave the extras to my study buddies, and even shared them with my girlfriend for her to study on. A year into my prescription, I started to take the medication for non school things like cleaning the house, getting things done at work, staying up late drinking with my friends(since alcohol makes me tired). Once in a while turned into a few days a week very quickly. I was getting spoiled by the superhuman ability to get things done while on adderall. I found myself taking 40,60,sometimes 90mg a day when i used. At this point it was not an everyday thing and i did not "crave" the drug, I just would take when I needed to get something completed. My sleep began to suffer, so my doc wrote me a script for Klonopin to help me sleep. I wasn't suffering from any side effects at this time. I strategically planned out the timing of my meals, etc so that I wouldn't lose weight. Looking back, I think this would be the time where I was beginning to plan my days and weeks around Adderall. in 2009, I graduated from College with a BS in Finance with Personal Investments focus. I now had no homework and thought about stopping my script. I did not stop it however, because I had been giving them to my girlfriend/fiance for a while for her studies and I wanted her to succeed like I had. I started taking the adderall when she did and would surf the net or clean the house, etc. I got hired by a big name investments firm 3mo after graduating and relied on my Adderall to get me thru the several licensing exams i had to complete. Every thing was fine during 2010, I was working and the GF and I would take Adderall. We never took it to the point where I would run out of pills early, but it was close. I would often have to ration them out. During 2011, our tolerances had grown and 60 20mg's per month were no longer adequate. My doc would not increase my dose. We would start taking a larger dose at one sitting, but compensated by not taking it as many days of the week. I found that I was starting to get lazy on non Adderall days... low motivation, very unfocused, sometimes a but crabby. I would save up things to do and knock them out over an 8 hour 90mg Adderall session. The same applied for my girlfriend, who had progressed to using not just for school. By the end of 2011, we found that Adderall was dictating our lives to a noticeable extent. We would buy some off friends when we ran out. This made me uncomfortable but I justified it with some sort of Adderall induced made up excuse or rationale. Over the next year, we continued to build tolerance and by 2012, I could handle 120mg a day and her 60-90. When I took Adderall during work, I turned into a supermachine. I was a top performer in my firm and was getting recognized and promoted. I would go to my interviews on Adderall which, looking back, prob got me the promotions. The success was not really me though, it was the Adderall. My boss's expectations of me were based on the levels of work I did on Adderall so I began to feel like a fraud. I would run out of my meds a week or more early, and had to buy from others to keep up the work performance. If I couldn't get some for a period of time, I would tell my boss I wasn't feeling well, blame things like bad luck, or simply call out sick. I was losing my motivation without adderall. After doing this routine for a year, I began to notice a lot of changes in my personality that had surfaced over the past few years. I was now anti-social....which was not how I was before Adderall. I had low interest in hanging with friends/family and would make up excuses as to why I didn't want to see them. I was taking so much adderall(120-140mg daily) that i was often fatigued. The day after a long adderall binge, I did not want to do anything or see anyone. My brain felt like mush and I physically felt like crap in general. I went out of my way to drink ensure shakes and eat healthy to help offset this. My sense of humor had all but vanished while on or off adderall. I stopped doing previously enjoyable activities like watching movies or listening to music, etc because those things weren't Adderall mindset tasks that I could satisfy myself by completing. Over the past 6 months, things have gotten to their lowest point. I am on written warning for work absence. I will take adderall too late in the day or too much and not be able to work the next day. Or I will be out of Adderall and not want to go to work because a workday without it sucks. This is hurting my performance on the job and I have not had a promotion in the past year. My life revolves around the drug, or the lack of it. When I get my monthly refill, my fiance and I go thru all 60 pills in about a week and then spend A LOT of money on Adderall from others to barely get us to next month. We often fall several days short and during that gap, our house turns into a mess, nothing productive gets done, and I find my ADD gets out of control. I will have a constant feeling of frustration because I don't have any Adderall and my extreme ADD behaviors often piss off my fiance. My fiance feels the same way and we fight more because we are grouchy over no adderall supply. We are not as close as we used to be because our common interest is adderall, which makes us self absorbed when we dose. So in effect, the Adderall is making us more distant. I have lost many of my friends because they got tired of being shot down when they invite me to do things. Here are the awful personality changes I have caused myself. I feel this way on and off adderall, with my longest off period being about 6 days..... I am unable to feel many emotions anymore. I feel like a shell of a person and most of my interactions with others seem like I'm just running thru the motions and feel fake. Everything in life has become task oriented and very serious. I look at everything thru a lens of what needs to be done and what is the fastest & most efficient way to do it. I have blinders on and miss the details of everyday life. I neglect my dogs sometimes because Im so self centered now. My memory sucks now and I often cannot remember important things that people tell me. I have these tics that I picked up from Adderall use. I hate the tics and others are annoyed by them as well. I have developed a panic disorder. I never had panic attacks until about a year ago. They are horrible and I thought I was having a heart attack the first time it happened, My fiance called 911, and I went to hospital in the ambulance, and spent 3 days there. They did every possible test related to my brain and cardio system and luckily found out that I am completely healthy. I was surprised that after this much Adderall abuse, my heart was in perfect shape. My Fiance hasn't abused as much or as long so she is prob fine, although her personality has changed like mine has. Also, we found ourselves not getting many important tasks accomplished on Adderall. I will get a wild hair and work on some pointless project for 5 straight hours which will end up being a total waste. The task was just something to stay busy with. I think that we are hooked on this medication because life feels boring without it and the tasks we do on the drug satisfy some awful adderall developed need/desire. We have essentially forgotten how to live our lives. I feel like I have to take the drug to do anything....... including social events, work, chores, even days alone at home. I hate the drug but I keep taking it. My fiance and I decided a couple weeks ago that we wanted to stop using Adderall. We made it 6 days before giving in to the temptation. I dug out my script from the kitchen drawer and had it filled. We proceeded to go thru all the pills in 5 days. That's 240mg per day between the two of us. I usually take 25% more than her, and I actually took about 180mg yesterday! Of course today I feel like complete shit because I went full throttle for the past 5 days, but also becaue I disappointed I failed my plan to stop. I have no more pills left, but I have several easy connections. I deleted their numbers and asked them not to sell me any if I ask, but I had done that before and it didn't work. If I want to get Adderall, I will make it happen. I am worried that I wont be able to stop before things get even worse. I am also concerned that my emotions are going to be stuck in a vacant state forever. I want my old self back. I want to laugh, love, and live. I want to be normal again. Today is day one of another attempt at quitting, and I worry it could become another fail. Please share any thoughts, ideas, words of encouragement, etc with me. I really want this.
  12. I am on day 64 without Adderall. I am wanting a Ritalin today I am overwhelmed and have such bad anxiety idk what to do. Does anyone have any info that states ur brain is automatically set back to the first stage by just a little? Doesn't any progress help? Is giving urself a little after doing so well the worst thing ever??? Answers please :/
  13. Hello. I am a 20 year old male and I don't know what to do in regards to quiting Adderall. So I don't know if I can quit the Adderall because I have tried to get off of it a number of times. But whenever I'm off of it, I don't feel in control of my anxiety. I also feel like without it, I am worthless. I started taking it because I was going through so much stress back in high school. I was barely passing my classes, I was rejected by the girl of my dreams, and I was developing social anxiety so bad that I couldn't sit in the same room as my classmates or even go to a building that had people in it. All of this made me begin to feel insecure about my ability to function and my worth as a person. Now I have almost no confidence in my ability to succeed at anything. I feel very insecure around people and rarely go out with friends, so my social support network is very limited. I really want to go back to how I was before I took Adderall. But I feel like who I am without the Adderall isn't good enough to obtain friends, a love interest, succeed in school or my future career. Has anyone else been in my shoes? Any advice would be greatly appreciated! Thank you.
  14. I was doing well and not taking any pills for a little under a month and 2 weeks ago I started up again when i got into a severe depression. I took between 40mg-75 mg for about 10 days including today at 75mg. I cut myself off from my doctor so he wasn't an enabler. I'm disappointed in myself, and I'm quite honestly scared of the depression. I can live without all of it's so called benefits but I'm really scared about being at the lowest of the low emotionally. I have had some significant things happen in the past few weeks that really brought me down and I took the adderall to make those feelings go away for x amount of hours. I didn't miss any sleep at night, but nevertheless i abused again. I know this is a dead end or at least an OBVIOUS bad thing for me to be on. I am literally using it as an anti-depressant and since my tolerance is high, this can't continue. I don't want to get high, but I don't want to get low. Im venting here because you are experienced and genuine people. Please help me get back on and stay on the right road. I honestly don't know what else to say.
  15. So sometimes ( like I'm sure alot of us) come here when getting a craving or just feeling down and need inspiration or need a pick me up or maybe even an idea we can do or tool we can use or even a hobby or some type of an adventure to take on when we feel negative or get stuck in a bad place I was thinking that when that happens to one of us we can come to this post . A safe haven of positive words quotes songs pictures anything!- that we can rely on So my idea is to have everyone post one of the above ideas on a comment here to share with one another .. So we can rely on this thread to pick us up when we are falling down- or are down - or slipping down down down Here's mine - GET OUTSIDE!!! Go for a walk * it's simple- just get up from wherever u are put on some shoes put on some sunglasses and walk out your door. Be around the trees, listen to the birds, listen to the wind blow , feel the ground beneath each step you take. U may be feeling lazy or unmotivated, but the one choice u have right now is to move . Get going . Get moving . Keep walking- climbing- running. Music is such a calming force to me so feel free to put on your favorite tunes ( my go to music is thievery corporation or papadosio ((( great feel good music ))) or even ditch the music and listen to the only constant there is right now ---> the sound of nature Give yourself that! To whomever comes to this post // feel free to comment about someone's ideas or words of inspiration but remember to add one of your own ///what advice would u give someone that was feeling down? What advice would u give yourself???
  16. I'm sitting on my couch stimulated but exhausted. I havent slept in 48 hours and studied for 2 finals. I'm fried. I had to call out of work because I knew I would be crashing from adderall during my shift. I realized that I've bought more adderall this month than my prescription even gives me. I've realized that I'm an emotionless zombie. That I struggle to have conversations with my family unless I'm 1) on adderall 2) in euphoria from lack of sleep. I realized that I drink almost every night to come down off of my adderall. That I make calendars to track how many pills I have left...making sure that I have enough to get me through the month. I lose track of how many "mgs" I took in a day. I am done. Genuinely tired of this. I've been tossing the idea around in my head for the past 3 months about quitting once and for all. I've been taking adderall for 4 years now. It's been a downhill journey that I am officially admitting ended with addiction. I don't want to be on this for the rest of my life, I'm only 23. I want to be myself again. I want to not be exhausted when I'm not on a pill. I want to genuinely laugh. I want to not worry about what days of the week will be my "all nighters". I want to get married and have kids and I'll never do that if I'm an adderall junkie. I want today to be the day. I just spent 3 hours on this website and was filled with motivation. Its just the thought of dumping my prescription down the toilet that makes me timid. It's one thing to SAY I wont take adderall...its another thing to not have any left on my so that I have no option but to not take it. I need motivation. Please. I'm so so so ready to get my life back that has been stolen from me since 2009. I want to meet the real me again.
  17. Day 1

    Hey guys, I'm new to the forum, I hope this post isn't too long! I'm currently a senior in college and I'm approaching the one year mark as an adderall user. Like most of you it all started out great: my GPA shot up, I could easily study for exams a week in advance, etc. However, as time passed I realized that I had lost myself to the adderall. I went from being in a fraternity and was fairly social, to isolating myself from my friends and leaving the fraternity. When I was on Adderall all I wanted to do was study and that resulting in me separating myself from my closest friends. I also started to chase that Euphoric feeling that I had when I first began taking adderall which led abusing the medicine. I was originally prescribed 30mg IR and about 4 months ago I started taking about 40-60mg a day. About 1 month ago I switched to 30mg XR, and thats when the abuse got real. I was so used to the immediate stimulation that XR didn't do it for me and on a few occasions I took 90mg XR in one day. This is when I realized that I was headed down a bad path, and that if I didn't change anything sooner or later something was going to give. About a month and a half ago I actually stopped cold turkey bc I burned through my prescription and that was my eye opening moment. After being off of Adderall for 3 weeks I forgot how good it felt just to be me! Before Adderall I was in the Gym almost everyday, but I stopped working out after a few months of daily use. Being off of Adderall for 3 weeks I honestly didn't have bad withdrawls, aside from being tired and lacking motivation, I was MUCH happier, more social, more confident, working out, and actually did just as well in my classes (although it was a lot harder). Last week however was finals week and that's the worst time to be dealing with lack of motivation, so I started taking adderall again. For some reason, I couldn't just take my meds as prescribed! After taking a month and a half off 30mg XR was more than enough, but for some reason I just took 60mg and sometimes 90mg! Fortunately I did very well on my finals, however I realized that I have developed a problem with Adderall. I'm not the type of kid to abuse drugs or alcohol and I never have, but I was obviously falling victim to Adderall, and I see why it's a controlled substance. I'm no sure I ever needed adderall, I think I was just Lazy, because I performed just as well without it during those few weeks, it just took more effort! Anyway, I decided that enough is enough, and that the bad is starting to outweigh the good and that it wasn't worth it anymore. I've been off of Adderall now for one week but it wasn't official because I still had prescriptions for the next two months so I it wasn't official. This is why it is only Day 1 for me; I've thought about it and after reading the articles and forum I took those two prescriptions and ripped them to shreds!! Today is the day that I take back control of my life before it gets out of control. I'm hoping that I will have similar results with withdrawl. I know that I am never going back to Adderall, no matter what and it feels great. Thank you to everybody for sharing your stories, it has helped me more than you know! Does anybody know roughly how long my complete recovery might take considering I was on Adderall just under 1 year?
  18. Hi, I have a friend who is addicted to adderall. he claims he is sober from a decade+ of drug abuse (cocaine, alcohol, oxy, etc), but he snorts the adderall a lot, and then runs out, then he lays around and does nothing but sleep for a week until he can get another script. I've known him for 3 years. He is unable to hold down a job, at all. he hasn't worked literally in 3 years. when he is "up' on adderall, he is on facebook trying to heal people spiritually and this is his work. but - he doesn't get paid. he lives off of money from me and his mom. he is completely disconnected from humanity. he stays in his room all day. he only goes out to get cigarettes, he claims bc humanity is just animals and he can't stand hearing their thoughts all day. he is also bi-polar. he shouldn't be taking adderall anyways it puts him in manic state and he stays up for a couple days, saving the world. I am at the point I want to cut off all funds. I feel he doesn't fully see that adderall is ruining his life. I can't tell if it's the addiction or if it's true dysfunction/disability. it's very hard to tell if it's true disability. he just is so odd that he cannot keep a job, at all. he lives in a completely 'nother world. Help me help him. what should I do? He snorts adderall and knows he mis-uses it sometimes, but he says most of the time he can "moderate" - I quit alcohol so I know that story, he should just quit. My question - how has YOUR life improved after quitting? did you regain your thoughts? did you get over the depression and lethargy? thanks for listening. I have great compassion for those caught up in drugs. just one time and you are hooked on this stuff. peace.
  19. Ok. So I think what I need, is an email buddy or someone that is also around the same quitting time as me, to talk to. I don't want to bore everyone with my stories, its the same as im sure many others on here, I thought I was on top of the world when I got to day 26 in the past. longest i'd been clean in 7 years -1 year of pregnancy. so 26 days was the furthest. I AM NOW ON DAY 36. But I don't even feel as good as I did with day 26 the fist time. I think I just feel so guilty about relapsing even if it were 1 or 2 pills, for the past 4 months. And of course throughout the years I have gone through the big times trying to quit here and there, obviously it never worked, I always went back, and was too cowardly to even come back to this site. But 4 months ago, I realized I was done, and I had to be done, I crave to be done, I know that's what I truly want. Im tired of watching my life flash by. Ive been through this stuggle for too long now. why does it have to take so long? why would even one pill make me feel so much better for just one day and its that easy? Is everyone else's progress around the same as mine? is this normal? These ups and downs are crazy and idk if its from no Adderall, my depression, or depression meds. I study psychology so I know about anti depressants and teatmeants and so on.... But im not looking for a text book answer, I'm looking for a real person going through the same real thing I am right now or who could relate. DAY 36. I cant believe I haven't been on this site in around 3 months, it was my favorite thing to look forward to everyday, everyone who I have talked to was great and so helpful, made me feel better. I just backed out. And im sorry. Not only is quitting the problem, its other life factors that are big struggles happening all at the same time while still trying to be a young mom and get up everyday. (it sounds so pathetic that I cant even get up, but its getting better) NEED SOME CHEERING UP I GUESS :/
  20. so ive been addicted to adderall for 5 years steadily trying to quit wanting to quit and really just screwing up with that for about 2 years. i recently opened up to my boyfriend and some friends about how i fell off the wagon since my last "clean up".. that lasted 24 days.. i ushually cant stay clean for more than two weeks. i also started seeeing a therapist who has really been pushing me and helping me and honestly ive never done so much work or insight on myself more than i have the past 3 weeks.. journaling and eating right and just staying consious that im in recovery im an addict and just trying to remember that so my brain doesnt play tricks and make me belive once is ok... today was 16 days huge 16 straight days of putting my health first ... well untill tonight i didnt journal today and yesterday and today kind of just floated through the day without any affirmations meditation journaling or staying consious of my goal ... i really wanted to take some earlier today when i was triggered at the pharmecy getting my birth control.. so i had adderall thoughts for sure my boyfriend was gone tonight so i invited some friends over for a chill movie night.. or so i thought.. they inivited like 4 more girls over whom im friends with but choose not to be around ushually because they use. i knew this but said ok come over anyway god forbid i say no and put myself first and just be honest.. right? well i saw some in someones bag and i was triggered. i went for it and took some.. i actually stole these... the whole shame guilt and im clean!! ~ couldnt be seen or shown to anyone.. im very secretive and alone in this addiction so its like maybe if i steal it and no1 knows than i can "pretend i dont know and that i didnt do this. terrible, i know but i did. i actually had heavy thoughts of no dont do this dont waste ur 16 days u will be fine and it was an imense feeling.. i ushually turn that off.. so it was a good sign i felt that but i still friggen said fuck it and took it. and than took some more. every time i take an adderall it cant be one. this is so dangerous...i know this yet i decided to fuck up my 16 days. im feeling down and just like sitting in my self pity or just like this feeling of u chose this. deal with it. i guess what im asking here is how everyone copes when relapsing after a good positive stretch. what do u do after? i mean that sounds silly but i guess i just need some guidence i dont wanna dwell on this any longer what are some relapse prevention skills u guys have> am i still in recovery? i know that answer is yes, but i cant help but feel like im starting way over ... not 16 days over but like day one from 2 years ago over... im sure u know the feeling.
  21. Hi, my name is Matt and last Wednesday (Oct. 2, 2013) I took my last dose of adderall (5mg). I received a prescription for adderall to help out with my ADHD a few years back. Well, actually I started out on Focalin and switched over to adderall because it was cheaper as my doses were increasing (no generic Focalin available at the time). I'm one of those people who really didn't need to drug, but felt that I needed it because it made me feel good, which motivated me. Likely, I would have been better off taking an SSRI instead of going down the stimulant route, but hindsight is 20/20. At my worst, I was taking 50mg of adderall a day. I knew that I was in over my head with the "addy" after I didn't take it one morning and I felt like absolute crap (physical pains and aches). Also, I felt extremely tired no matter how much I was taking. I felt very distant and and socially isolated. I couldn't accomplish anything without taking a dose beforehand (especially workouts). My life revolved around timing the effects of the pills. I couldn't take it anymore and decided that it was time to quit. I found this website and decided to follow the "weaning off" procedure. Luckily for me, my doctor worked with me to help me wean off of the stuff. While off the pills, I'm still working out regularly, but am finding it difficult to become motivated some days. I'm taking Zoloft (have been for awhile), and that helps, but I can't put as much on my plate anymore. I'm a graduate student and some people have told me that I picked a bad time to quit, but I think that I made the right decision. Does anyone have any tricks that help improve motivation?
  22. why not read me?

    I don't even know how I came across this site in the first place? or if any real human being will lay eyes on it..but for some reason unknown I feel the need to share my experience with the 'limitless drug' as I'd refer to it. I was actually on it earlier, and since then I've downed a bowl as of cereal 5 minutes ago, that's right! I'm coming down <-- (sarcastic smiley) guess I'll start now. I've been addicted since day 1 of trying the drug for starters, and have been taking it for almost a year now. way before trying it I was against any pills and had my innocent morals still in tact. probably one of my most regretted decisions in life was letting a friend coerce me into taking it.(shitty friend, right?) I am no where near as much a fiend as I was from the get-go. I would spaz trying to find my happy pill, and go to extreme lengths to get it. now I am prescribed and not a huge concern for me until I'm almost out. In the beginning I never thought it was a huge deal taking it because it actually made me outgoing and love stuff I normally despised, I saw the better side of EVERYTHING on it. but after months and months of taking it I reaped more and more side effects that sucked beyond belief. dry mouth and insomnia were normal already. I began getting stress headaches from the hyper focus aspect, tooth sensitivity, swimmers ear, massive confusion, and memory problems, serious anxiety/agitation. when I was on it though. (plus I began feeling like a weirdo bringing a drink with me everywhereeeee). It's sad because I honestly don't remember what it's like not using it at all. I crave to know what it's like being happy because I'm just naturally happy. I see all these other people sober and happy but it seems unrealistic since I've known what happiness feels like on the drug and it is amazing a lot of times. music sounds better, going out of my way to be social with friends is something I love doing, and being generally content. but it's all really just a co-dependence. every reason I tell myself to take it is the addiction to it talking. It's like I'm possessed at times and right now I AM writing. one day hopefully I will find that, because there is truth to the saying nothing worth having, comes easy. -addict
  23. (since this is an update, here is my first post on this forum for anyone who cares: Hey guys, dunno if anyone cares (thought this might be helpful) but here's an update so far: I'm still following my cutting down schedule, and so far I've gone down from 60 mg to 50 mg a day (almost to 45). When I type the numbers, it seems like I've lessened only a minuscule amount, but I definitely feel the difference already. It's kind of surprising, actually. First off, yeah, the appetite thing is noticeable, but a few weeks ago I suddenly had this urge to start drawing and painting again. I used to be really good but after I went down the whole adderall thing, I never ever worked on my art again. I wasn't even good anymore, and I had no desire to do it because I didn't even feel creativity to create the motivation. So yeah, for the last few weeks I have been doing nothing but working on my art again and I'm so surprised at the insane shift getting off adderall is doing... I honestly didn't even connect why I made the jump back into the creativity until maybe a week ago, but it all makes sense. The hardest part is the weird withdrawal feeling. It's so difficult to describe. It's like I feel restless for no reason. Like I want to break out and do something, but I rationally know there's nothing to do. It's just this strange "trapped" or uncomfortable restlessness that is tough to deal with. But I'm writing and drawing for the first time in maybe 4-5 years or something. And I actually finish what I start too. I'm glad I have this to fall back on, because it's definitely helping the process for me. I even notice myself laughing more and being less robotic/super focused, hahaha. I am feeling less motivated to do the daily stuff and sleepier, but I was expecting all that to begin with. Anyway, hope this helps someone (I was debating on whether or not this would be interesting to even write, but who knows). I'm glad I randomly came across this site because I know in the long run I will feel better. Thanks guys
  24. What are you afraid of?

    One thing my therapist asks me is what am I so afraid off? For 5 years I've lasted on off adderall at most 2-3 weeks. I do ok , I don't get crazy withdrawl but when things are even going good ( or of course bad) I use. I have good people around me so why why why do I pick up Hence the ? " what am I afraid of?" Like when I'm sober what am I so afraid of I always draw a blank than thought its because I'm afraid of who I am Without it? I hate myself on it tho And when I'm clean I feel grateful happy for being so I'm always on guard and worried if I'm enough or doing the "right thing" On adderall I worry about organizing cleaning speeding and finding more I guess I'm ignoring all those wondering if lim ok feelings Thoughts? What is everyone else so afraid of ?
  25. I've been taking adderall for 5 years. I binge 4 days than off a week and so forth I'm in therapy and I'm determines to stop. I was wondering if anyone knew of a good body cleanse ??! To just clear my body brain off of this. To just cleanse my self like a first step for me is obviously stop but I would like to do a body cleanse. Feel clean Thoughts? And I have b6 b12 magnesium zinc b complex l tyrosine and l theanjne and I'm not sure when or how to take these for the aftermath of coming down and quitting Any advice would be greatly appreciate