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  1. I'm sitting on my couch stimulated but exhausted. I havent slept in 48 hours and studied for 2 finals. I'm fried. I had to call out of work because I knew I would be crashing from adderall during my shift. I realized that I've bought more adderall this month than my prescription even gives me. I've realized that I'm an emotionless zombie. That I struggle to have conversations with my family unless I'm 1) on adderall 2) in euphoria from lack of sleep. I realized that I drink almost every night to come down off of my adderall. That I make calendars to track how many pills I have left...making sure that I have enough to get me through the month. I lose track of how many "mgs" I took in a day. I am done. Genuinely tired of this. I've been tossing the idea around in my head for the past 3 months about quitting once and for all. I've been taking adderall for 4 years now. It's been a downhill journey that I am officially admitting ended with addiction. I don't want to be on this for the rest of my life, I'm only 23. I want to be myself again. I want to not be exhausted when I'm not on a pill. I want to genuinely laugh. I want to not worry about what days of the week will be my "all nighters". I want to get married and have kids and I'll never do that if I'm an adderall junkie. I want today to be the day. I just spent 3 hours on this website and was filled with motivation. Its just the thought of dumping my prescription down the toilet that makes me timid. It's one thing to SAY I wont take adderall...its another thing to not have any left on my so that I have no option but to not take it. I need motivation. Please. I'm so so so ready to get my life back that has been stolen from me since 2009. I want to meet the real me again.
  2. Day 1

    Hey guys, I'm new to the forum, I hope this post isn't too long! I'm currently a senior in college and I'm approaching the one year mark as an adderall user. Like most of you it all started out great: my GPA shot up, I could easily study for exams a week in advance, etc. However, as time passed I realized that I had lost myself to the adderall. I went from being in a fraternity and was fairly social, to isolating myself from my friends and leaving the fraternity. When I was on Adderall all I wanted to do was study and that resulting in me separating myself from my closest friends. I also started to chase that Euphoric feeling that I had when I first began taking adderall which led abusing the medicine. I was originally prescribed 30mg IR and about 4 months ago I started taking about 40-60mg a day. About 1 month ago I switched to 30mg XR, and thats when the abuse got real. I was so used to the immediate stimulation that XR didn't do it for me and on a few occasions I took 90mg XR in one day. This is when I realized that I was headed down a bad path, and that if I didn't change anything sooner or later something was going to give. About a month and a half ago I actually stopped cold turkey bc I burned through my prescription and that was my eye opening moment. After being off of Adderall for 3 weeks I forgot how good it felt just to be me! Before Adderall I was in the Gym almost everyday, but I stopped working out after a few months of daily use. Being off of Adderall for 3 weeks I honestly didn't have bad withdrawls, aside from being tired and lacking motivation, I was MUCH happier, more social, more confident, working out, and actually did just as well in my classes (although it was a lot harder). Last week however was finals week and that's the worst time to be dealing with lack of motivation, so I started taking adderall again. For some reason, I couldn't just take my meds as prescribed! After taking a month and a half off 30mg XR was more than enough, but for some reason I just took 60mg and sometimes 90mg! Fortunately I did very well on my finals, however I realized that I have developed a problem with Adderall. I'm not the type of kid to abuse drugs or alcohol and I never have, but I was obviously falling victim to Adderall, and I see why it's a controlled substance. I'm no sure I ever needed adderall, I think I was just Lazy, because I performed just as well without it during those few weeks, it just took more effort! Anyway, I decided that enough is enough, and that the bad is starting to outweigh the good and that it wasn't worth it anymore. I've been off of Adderall now for one week but it wasn't official because I still had prescriptions for the next two months so I it wasn't official. This is why it is only Day 1 for me; I've thought about it and after reading the articles and forum I took those two prescriptions and ripped them to shreds!! Today is the day that I take back control of my life before it gets out of control. I'm hoping that I will have similar results with withdrawl. I know that I am never going back to Adderall, no matter what and it feels great. Thank you to everybody for sharing your stories, it has helped me more than you know! Does anybody know roughly how long my complete recovery might take considering I was on Adderall just under 1 year?
  3. Hi, I have a friend who is addicted to adderall. he claims he is sober from a decade+ of drug abuse (cocaine, alcohol, oxy, etc), but he snorts the adderall a lot, and then runs out, then he lays around and does nothing but sleep for a week until he can get another script. I've known him for 3 years. He is unable to hold down a job, at all. he hasn't worked literally in 3 years. when he is "up' on adderall, he is on facebook trying to heal people spiritually and this is his work. but - he doesn't get paid. he lives off of money from me and his mom. he is completely disconnected from humanity. he stays in his room all day. he only goes out to get cigarettes, he claims bc humanity is just animals and he can't stand hearing their thoughts all day. he is also bi-polar. he shouldn't be taking adderall anyways it puts him in manic state and he stays up for a couple days, saving the world. I am at the point I want to cut off all funds. I feel he doesn't fully see that adderall is ruining his life. I can't tell if it's the addiction or if it's true dysfunction/disability. it's very hard to tell if it's true disability. he just is so odd that he cannot keep a job, at all. he lives in a completely 'nother world. Help me help him. what should I do? He snorts adderall and knows he mis-uses it sometimes, but he says most of the time he can "moderate" - I quit alcohol so I know that story, he should just quit. My question - how has YOUR life improved after quitting? did you regain your thoughts? did you get over the depression and lethargy? thanks for listening. I have great compassion for those caught up in drugs. just one time and you are hooked on this stuff. peace.
  4. Ok. So I think what I need, is an email buddy or someone that is also around the same quitting time as me, to talk to. I don't want to bore everyone with my stories, its the same as im sure many others on here, I thought I was on top of the world when I got to day 26 in the past. longest i'd been clean in 7 years -1 year of pregnancy. so 26 days was the furthest. I AM NOW ON DAY 36. But I don't even feel as good as I did with day 26 the fist time. I think I just feel so guilty about relapsing even if it were 1 or 2 pills, for the past 4 months. And of course throughout the years I have gone through the big times trying to quit here and there, obviously it never worked, I always went back, and was too cowardly to even come back to this site. But 4 months ago, I realized I was done, and I had to be done, I crave to be done, I know that's what I truly want. Im tired of watching my life flash by. Ive been through this stuggle for too long now. why does it have to take so long? why would even one pill make me feel so much better for just one day and its that easy? Is everyone else's progress around the same as mine? is this normal? These ups and downs are crazy and idk if its from no Adderall, my depression, or depression meds. I study psychology so I know about anti depressants and teatmeants and so on.... But im not looking for a text book answer, I'm looking for a real person going through the same real thing I am right now or who could relate. DAY 36. I cant believe I haven't been on this site in around 3 months, it was my favorite thing to look forward to everyday, everyone who I have talked to was great and so helpful, made me feel better. I just backed out. And im sorry. Not only is quitting the problem, its other life factors that are big struggles happening all at the same time while still trying to be a young mom and get up everyday. (it sounds so pathetic that I cant even get up, but its getting better) NEED SOME CHEERING UP I GUESS :/
  5. so ive been addicted to adderall for 5 years steadily trying to quit wanting to quit and really just screwing up with that for about 2 years. i recently opened up to my boyfriend and some friends about how i fell off the wagon since my last "clean up".. that lasted 24 days.. i ushually cant stay clean for more than two weeks. i also started seeeing a therapist who has really been pushing me and helping me and honestly ive never done so much work or insight on myself more than i have the past 3 weeks.. journaling and eating right and just staying consious that im in recovery im an addict and just trying to remember that so my brain doesnt play tricks and make me belive once is ok... today was 16 days huge 16 straight days of putting my health first ... well untill tonight i didnt journal today and yesterday and today kind of just floated through the day without any affirmations meditation journaling or staying consious of my goal ... i really wanted to take some earlier today when i was triggered at the pharmecy getting my birth control.. so i had adderall thoughts for sure my boyfriend was gone tonight so i invited some friends over for a chill movie night.. or so i thought.. they inivited like 4 more girls over whom im friends with but choose not to be around ushually because they use. i knew this but said ok come over anyway god forbid i say no and put myself first and just be honest.. right? well i saw some in someones bag and i was triggered. i went for it and took some.. i actually stole these... the whole shame guilt and im clean!! ~ couldnt be seen or shown to anyone.. im very secretive and alone in this addiction so its like maybe if i steal it and no1 knows than i can "pretend i dont know and that i didnt do this. terrible, i know but i did. i actually had heavy thoughts of no dont do this dont waste ur 16 days u will be fine and it was an imense feeling.. i ushually turn that off.. so it was a good sign i felt that but i still friggen said fuck it and took it. and than took some more. every time i take an adderall it cant be one. this is so dangerous...i know this yet i decided to fuck up my 16 days. im feeling down and just like sitting in my self pity or just like this feeling of u chose this. deal with it. i guess what im asking here is how everyone copes when relapsing after a good positive stretch. what do u do after? i mean that sounds silly but i guess i just need some guidence i dont wanna dwell on this any longer what are some relapse prevention skills u guys have> am i still in recovery? i know that answer is yes, but i cant help but feel like im starting way over ... not 16 days over but like day one from 2 years ago over... im sure u know the feeling.
  6. Hi, my name is Matt and last Wednesday (Oct. 2, 2013) I took my last dose of adderall (5mg). I received a prescription for adderall to help out with my ADHD a few years back. Well, actually I started out on Focalin and switched over to adderall because it was cheaper as my doses were increasing (no generic Focalin available at the time). I'm one of those people who really didn't need to drug, but felt that I needed it because it made me feel good, which motivated me. Likely, I would have been better off taking an SSRI instead of going down the stimulant route, but hindsight is 20/20. At my worst, I was taking 50mg of adderall a day. I knew that I was in over my head with the "addy" after I didn't take it one morning and I felt like absolute crap (physical pains and aches). Also, I felt extremely tired no matter how much I was taking. I felt very distant and and socially isolated. I couldn't accomplish anything without taking a dose beforehand (especially workouts). My life revolved around timing the effects of the pills. I couldn't take it anymore and decided that it was time to quit. I found this website and decided to follow the "weaning off" procedure. Luckily for me, my doctor worked with me to help me wean off of the stuff. While off the pills, I'm still working out regularly, but am finding it difficult to become motivated some days. I'm taking Zoloft (have been for awhile), and that helps, but I can't put as much on my plate anymore. I'm a graduate student and some people have told me that I picked a bad time to quit, but I think that I made the right decision. Does anyone have any tricks that help improve motivation?
  7. why not read me?

    I don't even know how I came across this site in the first place? or if any real human being will lay eyes on it..but for some reason unknown I feel the need to share my experience with the 'limitless drug' as I'd refer to it. I was actually on it earlier, and since then I've downed a bowl as of cereal 5 minutes ago, that's right! I'm coming down <-- (sarcastic smiley) guess I'll start now. I've been addicted since day 1 of trying the drug for starters, and have been taking it for almost a year now. way before trying it I was against any pills and had my innocent morals still in tact. probably one of my most regretted decisions in life was letting a friend coerce me into taking it.(shitty friend, right?) I am no where near as much a fiend as I was from the get-go. I would spaz trying to find my happy pill, and go to extreme lengths to get it. now I am prescribed and not a huge concern for me until I'm almost out. In the beginning I never thought it was a huge deal taking it because it actually made me outgoing and love stuff I normally despised, I saw the better side of EVERYTHING on it. but after months and months of taking it I reaped more and more side effects that sucked beyond belief. dry mouth and insomnia were normal already. I began getting stress headaches from the hyper focus aspect, tooth sensitivity, swimmers ear, massive confusion, and memory problems, serious anxiety/agitation. when I was on it though. (plus I began feeling like a weirdo bringing a drink with me everywhereeeee). It's sad because I honestly don't remember what it's like not using it at all. I crave to know what it's like being happy because I'm just naturally happy. I see all these other people sober and happy but it seems unrealistic since I've known what happiness feels like on the drug and it is amazing a lot of times. music sounds better, going out of my way to be social with friends is something I love doing, and being generally content. but it's all really just a co-dependence. every reason I tell myself to take it is the addiction to it talking. It's like I'm possessed at times and right now I AM writing. one day hopefully I will find that, because there is truth to the saying nothing worth having, comes easy. -addict
  8. (since this is an update, here is my first post on this forum for anyone who cares: http://forum.quittingadderall.com/topic/1401-i-cant-believe-im-posting-this) Hey guys, dunno if anyone cares (thought this might be helpful) but here's an update so far: I'm still following my cutting down schedule, and so far I've gone down from 60 mg to 50 mg a day (almost to 45). When I type the numbers, it seems like I've lessened only a minuscule amount, but I definitely feel the difference already. It's kind of surprising, actually. First off, yeah, the appetite thing is noticeable, but a few weeks ago I suddenly had this urge to start drawing and painting again. I used to be really good but after I went down the whole adderall thing, I never ever worked on my art again. I wasn't even good anymore, and I had no desire to do it because I didn't even feel creativity to create the motivation. So yeah, for the last few weeks I have been doing nothing but working on my art again and I'm so surprised at the insane shift getting off adderall is doing... I honestly didn't even connect why I made the jump back into the creativity until maybe a week ago, but it all makes sense. The hardest part is the weird withdrawal feeling. It's so difficult to describe. It's like I feel restless for no reason. Like I want to break out and do something, but I rationally know there's nothing to do. It's just this strange "trapped" or uncomfortable restlessness that is tough to deal with. But I'm writing and drawing for the first time in maybe 4-5 years or something. And I actually finish what I start too. I'm glad I have this to fall back on, because it's definitely helping the process for me. I even notice myself laughing more and being less robotic/super focused, hahaha. I am feeling less motivated to do the daily stuff and sleepier, but I was expecting all that to begin with. Anyway, hope this helps someone (I was debating on whether or not this would be interesting to even write, but who knows). I'm glad I randomly came across this site because I know in the long run I will feel better. Thanks guys
  9. What are you afraid of?

    One thing my therapist asks me is what am I so afraid off? For 5 years I've lasted on off adderall at most 2-3 weeks. I do ok , I don't get crazy withdrawl but when things are even going good ( or of course bad) I use. I have good people around me so why why why do I pick up Hence the ? " what am I afraid of?" Like when I'm sober what am I so afraid of I always draw a blank than thought its because I'm afraid of who I am Without it? I hate myself on it tho And when I'm clean I feel grateful happy for being so I'm always on guard and worried if I'm enough or doing the "right thing" On adderall I worry about organizing cleaning speeding and finding more I guess I'm ignoring all those wondering if lim ok feelings Thoughts? What is everyone else so afraid of ?
  10. I've been taking adderall for 5 years. I binge 4 days than off a week and so forth I'm in therapy and I'm determines to stop. I was wondering if anyone knew of a good body cleanse ??! To just clear my body brain off of this. To just cleanse my self like a first step for me is obviously stop but I would like to do a body cleanse. Feel clean Thoughts? And I have b6 b12 magnesium zinc b complex l tyrosine and l theanjne and I'm not sure when or how to take these for the aftermath of coming down and quitting Any advice would be greatly appreciate
  11. Hi! My name is Lauren & this is my story. The first time I ever took adderall I was fifteen years old. It was the second to last week of my freshman year of high school and I will never forget it. I took two 20mg extended release tablets and was cracked out for a solid 48 hours. I was on an emotional roller coaster however I immediately knew this pill would be the "magic answer" to all the problems I was facing at the time. And it was. It took a lot of effort to get my parents to take me to my doctor and test me for ADD but it was worth it. After several tests and surveys I was prescribed. I lost the 20lbs I had been trying to get rid of for the last two years. I had the energy to make the cheerleading team (I got cut the summer going into my freshman year) I improved my grades from barely a 3.0 to a 4.3 I was the person I had always wanted to be. I was prescribed for seven years until things really got out of hand. My junior year of college is when things really spiraled out of control. I became obsessed with losing weight. I had also built up a very serious tolerance and was in a pretty scary routine of taking a wayyyy higher dose of adderall than was prescribed to me. I had somehow talked my doctor into prescribing me 80mg a day. I did this by explaining that some days I liked to take 40mg extended release and some days I liked to take instant release. It just depended on what my classes were like that day. This was a lie, obviously. Either way she wrote a script for both which equalled out to 80 mg a day for 30 days. However, I still would run out in two weeks. Here was my routine: I would lay out 3 20mg pills next to my bedside and set my alarm one hour before I needed to wake up. For example if I had a a 9:30 class I would set my alarm for 8:30. I would then take the three pills (60 mg) of adderall and go back to bed. I would then let the adderall wake me up about 45 min later and take a fourth 20 mg pill. Then I would take another 20 mg around noon and then a sixth 20 mg around 3:00. I would take AT LEAST 120 mg of adderall every day. Many times I would take much more than this because I would consistently pull all nighters. I was in a few art classes which I would become obsessed over making everything perfect. Often people in my sorority would ask me why I was always wandering the house in the wee hours of the night and I just continued to blame it on a big work load. This was a lie. I was taking massive amounts of adderall to get skinny. I lost 25 lbs in two months. I was irritable, tired all the time, I had sores on the inside of my mouth from biting my cheeks, I was basically miserable. I would run out of my dose in two weeks and then buy more off of friends. I had basically hit rock bottom. I would go to the gym and look around and see other people who were NORMAL working out because they cared about their bodies and their health. All i wanted was to be normal. I wanted to feel proud of my achievements and know I did things on my OWN not just because i had adderall to get me through. I knew what I had to do. I was leaving for Los Angeles that summer to complete an internship. I was cracked out on adderall the night before my flight left and got no sleep. Right before I left for the airport I took the adderall out of my suitcase and stuck it in a pile of things my mom was going to ship to me later. This was the only way I could get myself to leave it behind. I knew I didn't want to live like this anymore but I had to know that if I REALLy needed it I could get it back. Sure enough I was in LA, my adderall was thousands of miles away, I was putting on weight- fast, and I was going through some serious withdrawls. For four days I couldnt get out of bed until at least 5pm at night. However, I kept having faith that I would get through it. I honestly felt drunk the first few weeks off adderall. My body didn't function properly, I could barely drive because I felt so disconnected and could hardly think straight. The weight gain was the worst part for me. I had worked so hard to lose the weight and was TERRIFIED of putting it back on. This is when I called my mom. "Hey mom, you know that box of stuff in my room you were gunna ship to me? Yeah I really need it, could you send it out tomorrow?" Of course she had no idea my adderall stash was in there and quickly agreed. I hung up and immediately regretted my decision. THIS WAS MY CHANCE. THIS WAS THE TIME. THIS WAS WHEN I WAS GOING TO BE STRONG. STRONGER THAN MY DEPENDENCE ON THIS STUPID DRUG. I called back. "MOM DONT SEND ME THE BOX. My adderall is in there. I'm addicted to it. I don't want it. I want to be normal, I want to do this on my own, I want my personality back. dont send it" I was crying & so was she. She told me she was proud of me and to be honest I was proud of myself. The entire month was extremely hard. It was the first time in seven years that I had completed even the most simplest of tasks without the help of adderall. I had to show up to my internship every day and complete what was asked of me and it took alot of effort on my end. All the while I was gaining weight. This was the worst part. When I came back from my internship I had gained about 15 pounds. I freaked out and thought "theres no way I can go back to school looking like this" I searched through my parents medicine cabinets and found my adderall. For three days I took it to to lose weight and was right back where I was before. Not sleeping, irritable, miserable, depressed. This is when my big breakdown occured. I WAS NOT going to do this anymore. I had gone three months without it. Who cares if I gained some weight. My personality was back and I was not going to slip back into the dark place I was when I was addicted to adderall. I COULD DO THIS. I sat on my bathroom floor bawling my eyes out. I tossed each pill one by one into the toilet and with each one I said a reason I would never take adderall again. For example, "I am happier without it." "My body is better off without it" "I can be who I want to be without adderall" "I feel good in taking credit for my accomplishments when I am not on adderall" etc. This day was a day i will NEVER forget. After a few weeks at school I came home for a checkup with my doctor. I confessed my serious addiction and how I had overcome it. She ended up confiding in me that one of her patients who is severely addicted to adderall is now trying to get pregnant. This patient can not get herself to quit adderall and is in a horrible place because she wants to have a baby (which you obviously cant be taking amphetamines while your pregnant). Often people would ask me "you had only one more year of college why didnt you just quit when you graduated" and this is what I tell them.... IT IS NEVER AN EASY TIME TO QUIT. If I wouldve said "Oh Ill quit when I graduate" then it would have turned into "Oh ill quit when I get a job. Oh ill quit when I get this promotion. Oh Ill quit when I find a boyfriend. etc. etc." I have been off adderall for one year and one month and I CAN NOT BELIEVE how far I have come. Sometimes I get on this site and read people struggling with the fight to quit and I know EXACTLY how they feel. It gives me goosebumps thinking about the three weeks of my cold turkey quitting of adderall. But here is what i can say YOU CAN DO IT. YOU HAVE TO DO IT. NOW IS THE TIME. THERE WILL NEVER BE AN EASY TIME. It may seem like there is no way you will ever function without adderall but you will. And once you start to complete tasks without it you will feel elated. I specifically remember calling my eye doctor and ordering contacts and I felt like the happiest girl in the world after I hung up the phone. Adderall is not who you are. It does not define what you are capable of and once you conquer this you will understand what you truly are capable of. YOU CAN DO IT!!!!!! You have to believe in yourself. I am truly happy to offer any suggestions and answer any questions any of you might have. You are not alone and you will be better people because of your struggle with this drug. Peace, Love, & Choose Happiness! Lauren
  12. Out patient rehab

    I've been an adderall usef for 5 years with pattern of 6-7 days off and than usually a 4 day binge My counselor mentioned out patient to monitor my heart rates depression ECt and possibly a weaning off method ...'comments?
  13. So, I don't even know where to begin? I need help and know it, but am reluctant to give it up. Does this sound familiar? In fact, I don't want to at all.....but things are only getting worse, and I feel like I am at war with myself....every...fucking..day. It all started in high school. I tried it. I loved it. The only way to get it was to steal it from a brother of a friend without anyone knowing. This went on for maybe two months and I don't even think I cared when I couldn't get anymore. I guess then I just moved on to something different. I mean high school was just a joke to me, I only cared about getting high, and didn't care where the high came from. Needless to say, my mother caught on and I got a lovely two week vacation in a traumatizing rehab for teens. For some reason, after I got out of there, I had no desire to touch drugs. I was scared to death of even being around drugs or people that did them because I never wanted to go back to such a place. I ended up starting college, working three jobs and staying busy. Everything was fine. I found a great guy, moved out, had a kid and stayed in school. It was when I started nursing school that shit spiraled out of control again. I met a girl in school that just happened to take adderall xr-25mg. We became best friends really fast and I was constantly staying with her or she was staying over with me, just to study. Things were great at first, we had fun and were doing great in school. Soon though, I may have asked or she may have offered, I began taking one of her pills...'just to stay up and study all night.' Except those nights were always a blast, studying happened, just in between the breakdancing, talking, 30 minute cigarette breaks, doing hair and nails, drinking mountain dew and having the best time ever. I had never felt anything like it. That was the best high ever. I could do anything. Nothing seemed difficult or boring. I was so incredibly focused but partying at the same time. It was incredible. Honestly. I wish I could get that high again, but I can't. And my dilemma now is....that I cant stop chasing it. Eventually, she began to run out way too fast. So, I thought it was a great idea to go out on my own, find a dumb doctor, and get it myself. I needed it. I couldn't depend on someone to give it to me. So I did. And believe it or not, the dumb doctor did it. All I said was, "Hey, I am in school, I cannot focus, I have too much to do." He said, "Okay, try this." Adderall 10 mg twice daily. What??? It was too easy. But damn, those little blue IR's were the love of my life. This was four years ago. I have moved, switched doctors and still continue to get adderall. The new doctor did not even request my old medical records from the previous place. The new doctor even said, "Wow, you are on a very low dose, is it working?" Was she serious? Okay then, this was just another chance to get that more intense high I've been chasing. "No doctor, it is not, I think I need something stronger, its just not effective." So, vyvanse it was. I took vyvanse for about four months, up to 40 mg. However, because I'd run out in a week or two early, I would go back in the middle of those months and tell them it wasn't effective--and bam, another prescription for just another few mg higher. But I think since I was chasing that high from so long ago, I had convinced myself that I needed to go back on good ol' adderall. The doctor said okay and there it was again. I got pregnant again somewhere in between all this madness, and had to stop taking adderall for the first time since I began getting it on my own. It was the worst ten months. As soon as I delivered, I called the doc and there it was....again. I was convinced I was a better parent, better wife, better student (back in school again to get my RN, after getting my LPN), better person in general. Life was still good. Here is the corker. After receiving my LPN, my husband saw how motivated and driven I was. He wanted that too. He occasionally took a few of my pills and we were the most productive and active people on the planet. A team of superheroes. So, eventually, he went to the same doctor as I did and what do ya know? He got his very own script of Adderall XR 20 mg! Score!! I would take his, he would take mine. We'd have a pretty good supply, but still, we'd run out two weeks before refills!!! The agony. Those two weeks were the worst. Fatigue, irritability, the unrelenting need for 'just one more!' So this is where we are. We are on this rollercoaster that seemed pretty fun at first, but now I am tired and ready to get off. I will never ever be able to catch that high that started all of this. And honestly, I am tired of failing at it. I have been up too long, for too many nights, having taken too many of them damn pills and suffered the horrific come down off of too much. It is terrible. And more recently, the guilt. The guilt is probably the worst. I feel like a terrible mother, but am more fearful of the terrible mother I might become without the adderall. Now, I feel as though I am constantly doing things with my kids, they are my world, I love them so much and cant stand the thought of being too tired or worn out to play with them. Then, my husband. I am a terrible wife for getting my husband hooked on drugs! The guilt of this is overwhelming. If something happened to him while taking these....I dont know what I'd do. Then, my job. I cherish nursing. But damn, I am hypocrite. I am taking for granted something that has always been my dream. I keep justifying this drug. I keep thinking that I am simply better because of it. I do my best when taking it. I do a good job at work and am constantly being complimented for my 'happiness and great attitude' all the time. But I strongly feel that this is just the drug, and the real me would be dragging at work, and probably too tired to smile. I justified adderall by convincing myself that I am just enhancing my quality of life. But it is now that I am realizing how out of control this 'addiction' has become. Alcohol is beginning to fill the void in between scripts. I am drinking alone, at night, when everyone is asleep. It is a secret, but it has become a problem. I know that if it wasn't a bad thing that I wouldn't try to keep it hidden. I am a mess. I dont even know where to start. I hope someone can read this and know what I mean, and hope I can make them feel a little more less.....alone.
  14. Hello again, I feel the need to ask a second question, for backround info on my case (very high tolerance to Adderall for years) please read my previous top "PLEASE HELP! high tolerance users". Adderall has ruined my life and made me miss so much fun and memories with my 3 year old daughter I don't want to miss another second. I want the old fun me back. After years and years of Adderall with an extremely high dosage and actually troubling with adhd bad for years, is there anyone out there who has tried other meds or specifically vyvanse? ive taken Adderall ir and xr and Dexedrine ir for years. This month A got a script for vyvanse paying the extra money with no insurance just trying to stray away from Adderall. I need something for the mean time of quitting to get me out of bed, I have to watch my daughter all day everyday, school, and occasional work (and of course the duties of a household). Has anyone here had any experience with vyvanse? I don't necessarily like it, it doesn't do much for me, but it helps with getting out of bed for now. Am I in risk of this just continueing the addiction? or will it help me quit? I don't want to pay for something so expensive that will in return give me not the help needed, or make a situation worse. SO DOES ANYBODY HERE HAVE VYVANSE STORIES??? Please let me know, I will greatly appreciate your help.
  15. How I got over my first love, Adderall

    I didn't believe in love. Sophomore year of college, that all changed. I met her. Adderall. I was in the library with a group of students. I mentioned to my peers I had a big test to study for the next day. One of my classmates mentioned his prescription to Adderall and how it could help me stay awake. He had 20 mg XR and sold me two of them for ten dollars. I carried them to my car, where I saw a friend walking. She, too, was prescribed Adderall and I explained how I had just bought a couple and was scared to take them. She got in my car as I gave her a ride home and told me to take it sooner than later to avoid staying up all night. I almost cried when I took the pill because I was so scared. I didn't want to feel unlike myself. But when I got to work, I felt something I'd never felt before. It was almost like heaven. I was extremely motivated to clean, to talk to customers, to take care of any business that needed handled. I paid extreme detail to everything. I decided I could drink an energy drink. My heart raced fast. I also felt my appetite suppressed. I stayed up all night writing notes for my test, and ended up getting an A on the test. I felt like a rockstar. College had knocked me down and hit me with some failures in quite a few ways, and Adderall made me feel like I was on top of the world. At least for a little while. I started buying most of his pills. He relied on me to remind him when his prescription was ready because, like clockwork (like a true addict) it was at the top of my priority list. I started finding more and more dealers. I would buy them all out. I was taking upwards of 150 mg XR per day, plus energy drinks and Ritalin & Straterra (which i was able to get myself prescribed). I started snorting the pills to feel the effects harder. And taking puffs of my inhaler to get my heart racing. Keep in mind that I am a 110 pound female. I stopped eating most meals and drinking water. I became very frail, and unable to workout. Before, I was a very social person, a mediocre student, a lazy worker, an incredible loving and caring friend. But with Adderall, I became a different human being. I focused all of my time on work, making money just to spend it on my Adderall habit. It was a cycle. I started focusing on projects by myself, doing my homework very efficiently, and even doing several friends homework for them. I became very interested in everything, but saw my genuine passions fade. Adderall gave me, as I'm sure it has for you, a sense of false confidence. I thought I was the queen, for a minute at least when my pills peaked. But when I came down, I became very self-aware, very self conscious. A once confident and full of life girl looked herself straight in the eye in the mirror and couldn't tell you one single good thing about herself. A once creative artist and writer tore up every single thing she'd ever created because she doubted its worth, and her own. I began masking this pain with getting extremely fucked up and blacked out, once overdosing and getting a concussion. Still none of this was a red flag for me, and I continued to let my body deteriorate as well as everything I ever believed in. I became very distant from everyone. I was never really present. If I was in your presence it was probably fake, with my mind trying to figure out how I was going to get more Adderall. I forced myself into isolation, only to realize in a several weeklong binge comedown that my mind and lack of self respect was the driving force behind this addiction. The next couple months were painful. I smoked a lot of weed and gained a lot of weight. I spent a lot of time sleeping, a lot of time I'd missed while being strung out. I eventually told my parents, as well as my counselor that I'd been manipulating him to get pills the entire time I'd been seeing him. I never really felt like I had any real motivation to quit, though. I continued to get blacked out drunk, and when I wasn't sleeping or working, I was smoking weed. The weed only continued to make me doubt myself, as a student, a friend, and an artist. I continued to destroy everything I created, rip up any evidence that I had any thoughts outside of the fake image that I was portraying. Never fully recovering, I relapsed. But this time, the Adderall made me feel like shit the entire time. From start to finish. I felt guilty the second I ingested it, and the next twelve or so hours I spent frantically trying to cope with the decision I made to do so. I admitted to my boyfriend that I'd been taking adderall again, and he explained how he'd felt let down even though it was me who had to deal with the consequences and shame. My Adderall usage wasn't only affecting me, though. It was affecting my mood, and my attitude toward everything. I saw myself becoming increasingly negative yet again, and I realized that this is not who I was made to be. I keep coming back to this thought, and I think it's what keeps me from trying to get pills ever again: I am stronger than my demons. I think that this is the simple truth for getting over any addiction. I don't personally believe that I need to go to AA or stop having a beer or go to a 28 day rehabilitation center. For me, I just needed to outsmart my demons. If you have an Adderall addiction problem, I'm sure our "demons" are similar. 1 I am a perfectionist who does not deal well with failure. 2 I like to please others, and I absolutely adore attention and approval 3 I have a "I'm dying/I'm losing time" complex, where I think relaxation is laziness All I had to do, honestly, was get to know myself a little, and as cheesy as it sounds, stop caring so much about other people's opinions. It's good to try hard and do well, but not at the cost of your health, physical or mental. I know that Adderall and other psychostimulants (such as Ritalin, Concerta) do not make me feel good. I also know that they are not necessary to my wellbeing or my happiness, as I feel the happiest and healthiest I've ever been currently. I wish you the best in your journey back to yourself. I pray you are able to regain your passions and your love for life as I am slowly but surely. You don't need Adderall to focus, and you don't really need to stay awake to study for your final THAT bad. So here is my declaration: I'm adderall free.
  16. New here.. This is my story

    Hey everybody, I recently came across this site and what I've read on it has hit so dead on that I've decided to create an account in order to tell my story and hopefully find some support.. this seems like a really cool community and I'm going to spill everything, both good and bad. I rarely post on forums but I've had a real journey (read: nightmare) with Adderall and other stimulants over the years and my story needs to be told. I'm currently a 26 year old male living in Atlanta but I've been taking Adderall (and its cousins: Vyvanse, Concerta, etc) since I was 18. It all started back in high school.. I had been bullied pretty relentlessly since the age of 15 for coming out as gay (which was not very highly regarded in the affluent republican Atlanta suburb I grew up in) and was starting to have serious trouble focusing in class (as well as the beginning signs of depression/anxiety). I got a tutor and tried everything, but finally by the age of 18 I was diagnosed as ADHD right before my freshman year of college. I wanted to kick ass in college and excel in my business degree, so I decided I'd try this Adderall drug that all my friends were talking about. It started off great.. I had a 3.8 GPA freshman year of college and was on the Dean's List.. this was the first time in my life that I had acheived high grades (while still maintaining a social life mind you.. I pledged a fraternity etc.. but that's a whole 'nother story). But after the first year or so I started noticing some real changes in my personality. I had always had a slight speech disfluency growing up but not many people noticed it.. but I'd notice that whenever I took adderall my stutter would get much more pronounced (this has evolved over the years up to now where my stutter is pretty debilitating and I'm going to seek speech therapy.. it is so very embaressing when I'm on a date or a job interview and I can't get the word out.. people think I'm nervous when it's really just some kind of neurological damage that I partially attribute to adderall abuse). Anyways, back to freshman year.. I would be so euphoric in the mornings when I took my Adderall (thinking I could conquer the world, etc) and by the evening I was in a really deep dark depression and very irritable.. as well as socially anxious (which I never really had a big problem with in the past). I also was in a very unhealthy long distance relationship which only added to my issues. Fast forward a year and I ended up transferring to a new college in a different state (various reasons, partially due to that abusive long distance relationship) and I had no idea what I was getting myself into. This school was an even bigger party school with an even bigger trend towards Adderall (and other designer drugs.. Cocaine, etc). I was depressed over my recent breakup and continued taking the Adderall while binge drinking heavily as well (clearly not the best choice, I know) to try and self medicate. It got so bad that I had to get on an Antidepressant because I was having suicidal thoughts (I write more about my SSRI usage below). One thing that was different about this school was the demographic of kids - many of them were spoiled rotten and cocaine was around just about every corner. I had always looked heavily down on that drug (and still do after my terrible experience with it). One fateful night I was really stupid (read: depressed) and decided I would try the drug, which felt surprisingly similar to Adderall's euphoric rush. In this way I believe that Adderall was a gateway to my cocaine addiction that lasted a year or two. I am proud to say that I have not touched that awful drug in a very long time and do not miss it one bit, it was surprisingly much easier for me to quit than Adderall has been. I never had to see treatment for it and I never crave it or want it when I see it around me anymore. I could go on much longer about my college experiences with Adderall but I'll leave it short since this is getting lengthy. I ended up graduating with a respectable 3.2 GPA (although not the 3.8 I started with at my first school) and decided to move home. When I moved back to Atlanta to pursue my career as a young business professional, I was excited for a fresh start. I liked the attention that I got as a young guy living in the actual city (as opposed to the suburbs) in the gay community and no longer had to fear homophobia around every corner. When it came to my professional life however, I found that I was already having trouble focusing at my new job, and slipped back into taking Adderall. You know how this story goes, it was basically a repeat of my college days and turned into another nightmare. It made me so anxious that I burned several bridges socially in the city and became depressed all over again. I have been back in ATL for 3 years now and finally I have hit a breaking point. I am 26 years old and I have tried almost every antidepressant on the market (Zoloft, Lexapro, Paxil, Cymbalta, Effexor, Wellbutrin, you name it I've tried it) which started back in college and none of them could pull me out of the depression (probably because I was still taking them alongside Adderall). I have decided that I am DONE with this awful drug that has ruined so many years of my life. It has only been 72 hours since I have taken my last 20mg dose, but I broke it down to 10mg the day after and now I'm at 0mg. I know that's not a long time, but I feel different than I've ever felt about quitting this time - I am dedicated to it no matter what (partially thanks to finding this great site). I am going to overcome this and find the happy me that used to exist.. the one that my friends and family growing up miss seeing. I am not currently on an Antidepressant (although I do have low dose Klonopin incase the withdrawal anxiety gets bad) but I have been considering getting back on one to ease the process.. I've been pretty darkly depressed the past day or so and my job is not really in the best place either. Thank you for creating this great support system where I can post about my story. It's not been an easy path for me and I know it hasn't for alot of you either. -J
  17. This is my story. I met this girl when I was 18 years old, she was a sexy, chaotic, blue eyed woman and when i looked at her i just smiled. For one reason or another we never pursued an intimate relationship but she most certainly she caught my eye. Fast forward 10 years, I move to Los Angeles, start a new life and never stayed in direct contact with this lovely girl. I occasional asked mutual friends about her but never dug deeper. Every year, I would come home for a holiday visit, this girl would always show up with the rest of my friends. There wasn't a time when I don't remember her not being there. I would hear songs from when I was 18 and have flash backs of this girl but again, never thinking deeper but a smile always came to me face when thoughts of her occurred. Fast forward another 5 years. This girl is the love of my life. She has been right in front of me this whole time and I never saw it. This girl, is someone I can see myself growing old with, creating a family with and never desiring another soul to lay in bed next to. I feel lucky and grateful to have gotten to know her heart. The love of my life I remember is funny, full of life, full of love and most importantly the best mother on the planet to 2 kids that I love more then anything. She works way too hard, she puts too many expectations on herself and created a life that no super hero could even live up to. The thing is, I didn't get to propose, I didn't get to marry her, I didn't get to buy a house and settle down with the love of my life because life grabbed her, dealt her unimaginable challenges and she got lost in a world of substance abuse, and her best friend named Addy stepped in, took over and has been running her life for the past 2 years. Do I blame her? Hell no! Do I understand why? I most certainly do. I know she isn't able to see the big picture right now, I know that this drug has replaced her real feelings, her real self with a version of someone that she doesn't know never mind me. I see these two very different versions of this person and it breaks my heart knowing I can't clear the fog for her just enough for her to trust that life can be manageable again without this drug. She doesn't need to work 60 hours a week, she doesn't need to isolate and shut down her feelings. She can trust that I will walk next to her, taking care of things while she gets centered again. She can count on me to not save her but to be her strength when she needs it. After all, she is the love of my life, till death due us part. If I had a fantasy, she would move to Los Angeles with me, focus on herself, allow herself the time she needs to heal while we slowly get to know the new versions of ourselves. She wont have the same pressures or need to work endless hours. We are a team, what one can't do in the moment, the other picks up the slack. We can enjoy life's simple pleasures, football games, camping trips, traveling, enjoying a nice meal all as a family. Sounds perfect doesn't it? Yes, its my dream. What if she doesn't like Los Angeles, then what? Well, we move, anywhere once we have worked through and built a stable foundation as individuals and then as a team. Remember she is the love of my life, till death do us part. A town or city won't change how I feel about her. Nothing will and the past 2 years of pushing and pulling has proven that I won't give up on her. So, yes, this is my story of love, lost love, despair, hope, faith and fantasy and all along competing with her best friend Addy. What's keeping me from living my dream? The love of my life won't choose a healthy lifestyle, she has chosen a life that allows her to forget, be numb and is lied to daily by this drug that life is better when she is on it. This drug is her best friend, that she believes will never leave or hurt her. But what she doesn't see is that her best friend is stabbing her in the back every day of her life. Brain washing her into believing that she needs this best friend to survive, to work hard to pay the bills, to have fun is only when Addy is around, to not feel pain of the past. While the years speed by, her best friend isn't pointing out that she is incapable of growing, incapable of connecting, incapable of true love, incapable of being the person she really is, incapable of just enjoying the small simple pleasures life has to offer. I've been robbed of the love of my life over a back stabbing best friend who really has no interest in her as a mother, as a partner, as a friend, as a sister and as a daughter. What can I do to help? Nothing, sit back and have faith that she catches a glimpse of her old self in the mirror and realizes she wants to start feeling life again. How long will you hold on for the love of your life? I'm not sure, I've recently been losing hope that she even has the small occasional desire to dump her best friend but just when I'm about to give up, my faith kicks in and I believe that the love of my life is still in that shell of a person she is portraying today.
  18. So I decided to quit adderall a few weeks ago after a long term debate over whether the positive side effects outweighed the negative side effects. To give a little history... I had taken some in college because my roommate had a prescription for them, and they helped me so much that I decided to go see a doctor/psychiatrist about my potential for having ADHD to get some of my own. I actually did all this within the first few months of graduating college, where I had a ridiculously lousy GPA upon graduating (C average). I was personally (and still am to some degree) convinced that I have ADHD, considering how much I struggled to complete tasks due to the fact it would take me so long to complete them. A task that took my peers an hour to complete could take me three or four, and I wouldn't even understand what I was doing for a majority of that period. I like to think that I'm an intelligent person with a lack of motivation caused by lack of attentiveness and interest. So getting back on track, the psychiatrist diagnosed me with Adult ADHD, especially after telling her that I have a scarlet fever induced form of tourettes. She said that this had manifested itself into ADHD coupled with anxiety, and prescribed me with a couple anti-depressents and trazodone (for those that haven't taken trazodone, its awful. Its like taking Nyquil at night and then taking another full dose upon waking but having to stay awake throughout the day). After a month of the anti-depressents, I knew that I wanted off of them and still wanted to the adderall, so I went to see my family doctor and she prescribed me the 15 mg XR, which was upped to 25 mg eventually and then switched over to 15 mg IR twice a day. My experience with the XR were okay, until the comedowns started to kick in and my tolerance increased considerably. The first few months were fine, but after taking an XR first thing in the morning, I would feel great for about 4 to 8 hours and then feel awful for the remaining 2 - 4 hours. Depressed, sad, unmotivated. You name it, I felt it during the comedown. I did end up going back to a university to up my GPA, and I did great. I took 20 non-degree credits, 6 of which were graduate level, and ended up with a 3.7 average throughout those 20 credits. This was a sort of self justification that I really did need this throughout college and that this was going well. Fast forward to May 2012. I obtained my first real job shortly after completing the 20 non-degree credits and felt as if I was headed in the right direction. This job didn't last however, and this past January (2013), the company went under due to a multitude of reasons which I'm not going to list. I have been looking ever since, and with the economy the way it is, I feel like I'm back at square one from the day I graduated college. I have some additional cool on my resume, but as far as furthering myself, I'm not doing very much. After a lot of self mindfulness and internal debate, I decided to search for myself before I was on adderall. I do feel like I have lost some of my creativity, as do a lot of others on these forums who have been on the drug. I think the biggest problem with adderall though is that it makes you feel invincible. I've never done cocaine, but I know scientifically adderall and cocaine are not that far removed from each other. People who have done cocaine have that invincible, king of everything on top of the world kind of feeling, and that is why I feel like adderall is so addictive to me. My grandmother was addicted to uppers back in the days where doctors would prescribe them for weight loss, and all but one of my grandparents died from emphysema. The last one died from a heart problem due to alcoholism. In other words, I feel as though genetically I am prone to embrace this invincible feeling and seek it, something that I have realized about myself since the first days of adderall usage. I won't deny that it has helped me in a lot of ways, and it does make you more outgoing when your on it. However, as soon as the comedown starts, the socialite that I was not even 15 minutes prior seems to disappear and out comes this quiet, overly self conscious person who can hardly keep up with the simplest of conversations. If anybody else has had this experience, it would be great to hear about it. This was the primary reason why i wanted to find my former self through the thick smoke of adderall, because even though i was shy before I started taking adderall, I was never that overly self conscious weirdo who avoided people at all costs. That was not me. And I didn't like it. Being off adderall right now I seem to be losing interest in typing and thinking about the other things I should be doing... those of you who are have detoxed or are currently detoxing probably understand. I'm on my 10th day out of 11 days off of adderall entirely. I ran in the tough mudder last Saturday and decided to take half of one dose (about 7.5 mg) upon waking just so I could function, since were were leaving around 7. Was I proud of this? No, but I feel justified in the fact it was my only hiccup since the 14th (first day off). How has it been? Well, the first few days were pretty slow... I had a REALLY hard time finding motivation to do anything. Luckily I had been reading about ways to keep my energy up just to function somewhat normally, and I've pretty much been living off of a Vitamin-C/B-Complex along with 1000 to 1500 mg of l-tyrosine in the first few hours upon waking everyday, as well as one to two 5 hour energy's throughout the day. I've also been drinking coffee and tea occasionally, just so my body isn't destroyed by 5 hour energy's. I recently bought yerba mate, which actually just got in today, and I like it so far. I can feel a little boost of energy and concentration from it. I am still lacking the motivation I had while on adderall, and honestly I don't think I will ever get that back. I have been better at sitting down and actually filling out applications and calling hiring departments back, but it takes preparation and I definitely have to be energized in order to do things (in other words, after 8 or 9 pm, my concentration is toast and I hardly ever get anything done). I have read a lot on here about people really, really struggling to get out of bed those first few days, and I think it has a lot to do with the dosage. I can't even imagine taking 90 mg of adderall a day and then quitting cold turkey. I had weened myself down to one pill a day the week before I quit and then quit cold turkey, so it was really only 15 when I stopped. The point of this was not to diss on those taking 90 mg by any means. I'm trying to be empathetic by saying that I understand; if I were taking 90 mg a day, there is no way I would still be sober by now. Kudos to those of you who have quit after taking that much. You are champions. I have faith that given another week or so I'll feel even better, and it will only get better after that. Does anybody have any further suggestions besides the tyrosine-b complex-5 hour energy combo. I have looked at a lot of forums and these seem to be the most common detox "helpers" if you will. This is a pretty long post, and kind of all over the place. There are things I could expand on, so if anybody has a question, feel free to ask. Thank you everybody for reading and I hope that maybe I can help somebody who is thinking about quitting by showing them that it does get better with time.
  19. It all began the first semester of junior year. I was diagnosed for ADD when I was a child, though I never got any medications. But my friend told me about this wonder drug (l didn't know it was garbage at the time) called adderall and how he was achieving new academic heights because of it. His story inspired me to go to my doctor and get adderall prescribed to me. It worked, I got a prescription to adderall and life was looking pretty good at the time. Fast forward six months. My normal dosage was 30mg/day but I kept working myself higher and higher in terms of the dosages. Today was the last day before spring break and I apparently had three tests to take. Keep in mind I have been a daily prescribed user of adderall for a year now so my reaction was something along the lines of this: Oh no! I'm going to have to take a lot of adderall today because if I don't then bad things will happen to my grades oh no! Sure enough, I took four tablets of adderall, that's right, 120mg. The realization came to me when I came home. I realized the sham this pill truly is. It tries to deceive you into thinking that with its help, it will chemically pole vault you to whatever you want to do. Sadly, this couldn't be further from the truth. I used to be a down to earth person, a great friend. One of my buds even went so far as to describe me as "the only genuine person in this place full of charlatans and pretentious phonies". But this personality I used to have got replaced by the deceitful poison that goes by the name of Adderall. It turned me into the opposite of my personality and I hated it. But I lied to myself and tolerated it because according to me I got A's. To tell you the truth, I would give all the A's I have ever earned in my life for that one year of my life back. If I could have it back I would develop my personality and establish new heights. But alas, I wasted a year of my life, a year of my youth. Then I realized I had to quit this junk and I had to quit it NOW. This isn't the first time I've faced a seemingly insurmountable obstacle. In sophomore year I looked in the mirror and I didn't like that I was overweight. In six months, I had lost 50 lbs. Now, today, I look in the mirror and I see a pale and sickly version of myself. But I see a ray of hope. It sounds odd, but I feel like my personality is beneath this chemical addiction. I know if I beat the addiction I will get my personality back. With new-found confidence, I threw the contents of the pill bottle down my toilet and made a declaration to myself. Now it is about 3am and I can't sleep. I'm writing this write now and I am shaking, shivering, and pale. I think I am going through a crash from the extremely large dose I took earlier today. However, crashes are only temporary and my willpower is still very much strong. I will keep you all updated on my self-journey, but for now I must depart. Thank you, yes you out there who took the time to read my story and I thank you from the bottom of my heart. And if you are thinking of taking this crap, I hope you heeded my story and are aware of the lows that come with this drug.
  20. Hi everyone, Thank you for all the input provided in this forum. I’ve been on a very high dose for 7 years (90 MG/day or regular Adderall AND 90 MG/day on Adderall XR). I went to my physician and told him I wanted to titrate down off Adderall, and I gave him my suggestion of going from 6 30MG tabs/caps per day to 6 20 MG tabs/caps per day, and then to 6 10MG tabs/caps per day. He didn’t agree with my schedule and instead told me he would cut me from 180MG per day to 60MG per day of just the XR. That just didn’t feel right to me, and so I “made a decision†to stop using Adderall on December 30th, 2012. I read articles from both camps (cold turkey and step-down titration). I decided that I would rather suffer with withdrawal symptoms for 3-5 days than to have symptoms to a lesser degree for perhaps a few months. So far so good; some anxiety and restlessness. I believe for me that cold turkey is the best way to break free from this medication. If you all have any feedback for my situation, I’m certainly open to hearing it. Thanks very much & Happy New Year!! Steve.
  21. I was just thinking to myself how much adderall strips away your confidence. Because you grow so accustomed to doing things with it. It becomes in the adderall'd persons mind the reason behind successes. As I'm sitting here with all these books, I realize this is going to be a process of rebuilding my confidence, proving to myself I can do reading, complete homework without it. I took my first quiz today, worth like a hundredth of my grade but I got a 100% but that tiny success gave me this feeling that my brain can work without adderall, that i didn't do so much irreperable damage to it. I'm so grateful for this weekend, it gave me sometime to just hideaway and unwind from the first week of overwhelm. I can't believe its only been a week. it honestly feels like ive been here for much longer. edit - Also getting used to being around people all the time, lol. Sooort of..
  22. Hello everyone im john and adderall made me superman. So far since ive taken the drug for 5 months on 20 millagrams a day. Ive taught myself how to count cards how to roll sixes or ones with dice whenever i want. And an amazing thing happened I realised i was hearing voices and they talked about me all the time 24 hours a day and the voices just happened to be the voices of family and people i knew. they say john did this or did that or johns a retard bla bla bla and they were rentless i was going insane hearing them at work at home talking about personal things only a few people knew i became obssed and figures because i was staying with family and they took me grocery shopping to a store and i filled out an app and got the job where i was hearing voices so i figured i was some sort of experment and it was top secret and they were in on it i mean who works on adderall and hears voices talking about how well your working and goes home and they talk about your music and personal life i figured they ruffed me and implanted speakers in my ear drums or something. Things got so bad i couldent sleep at night the onlt escape was my i pod. I was maby a little to high and so paranoid. I was breaking out on my face and thought they were rubbing grese on my face when i was sleeping i can wash my face before bed take my finger rub my face rub the mirror if it streaks i have a greasy face if not it was clean so i clean my face go to bed wake up check my face and BAM streaks and greassy gross. thinking so fast about so much and horrable comedowns working so hard everyday succeding at life while secretly losing my mind. all i wanted was to be succesfull now im a crazy adderall addict.im quitting and im lazy and i feel like my mind is in pain withdraws........... just wanted to let people know ive lost it
  23. Relapsed again...

    Hi there, Yesterday I relapsed. I had one more written script and immediatley filled it up yesterday morning. See, I am a personal trainer-- I know, how can a personal trainer be addicted to adderall? Well, it happens...and when I went to measure a new client yesterday who is very thin, I immediatley relaspsed. I started comparing myself to her, and wanting to be as skinny as she is. She's about my height, and a very desirable/unrealistic weight I wish to be. My biggest struggle in quitting, is gaining weight. I am suppose to be a good example for many, and when I feel fat and chose poor food choices-- I resort to adderall to fix those bad choices. I think, "well if I take an adderall, I wont eat as much and won't obsess over being skinny..." I feel so out of control. I was so upset yesterday for filling that prescription. Now I have spent $72 on a bottle of 60 pills that sit in my drawer. Today, I haven't taken any. I really do want to stop. I want to be clean, and have my full self back. I have told my boyfriend about my problem and he's been helping me through it. I feel like if I can get through 2 weeks, I can get through it. I stopped before for 3 months, and one day relapsed and went and got scripts again. I am going to tell my doc to stop prescribing them to me. I don't know what to do now. I want to dump the bottle down the drain, but I just spent $72...I know that's a terrible excuse, but part of me thinks..well maybe I can wean off. I was only taking 20mg a day, so I'm wondering if weaning myself off and never getting the script again would work? I want to quit cold turkey, and for today I am. I am going to be adderall free for 2 weeks-- I promise myself. It's almost like I need to get the pills out of the house & away from me. But I'm scared. Scared to gain weight-- not that I am "adderall skinny", because I still ate and like I said only took 20mg and sometimes only 10mg per day. So, I'm not really skinny, just fit cuz I work out and try to eat good for the most part. But I'm still scared. I need to use that fear are courage. I want myself back-- and I'm okay if that means gaining a few pounds-- as long as it's not some crazy weight gain. I just need to be good, have faith and stay strong. I need to know the first 2 weeks will be really rough, but I can get through this. Have faith for me, Kiss
  24. I will try to make this as short as possible. I am 20 years old and have been abusing adderall for about a year now. I experimented with it in high school and one summer almost every day, staying awake for up to 3 days non stop, hallucinating, not eating, going literally insane. Well, i decided i wanted to get a skript because i was battling with severe dependence to weed. On top of that i have been bulimic/anorexic for 7 years, so the weed made my bulimia that much worse. I was ecstatic when i got the prescription after 10 minutes of being in my psychiatrists office. Things were great, the typical adderall story. I was motivated, happy, losing weight without trying, i decided to go back to college, kept my first long term job, you get the picture. After the first month or so my tolerance was building very rapidly. I took a few days off the drug here and there, but that didn't help to slow it. I started at 10mg and am prescribed 40mg a day now, but take anywhere from 60-110mg a day, everyday. I always had a HORRIBLE time with the crash. It seemed even at the beginning the adderall high only lasted TOPS 5 hours, then slowly the crash took over the rest of my evenings. So i turned to heavy drinking to combat the debilitating lows. It helped, until it didn't. Now i am back to drinking and smoking weed to comedown and sleep. Here are my side effects. It started with the usual rapid heartbeat (only when crashing), extremely cold, anxiety, intense irritation towards others/noises, itching(feeling like there was a bug or feather touching my body, id itch the hell out of my skin and be left with fingernail marks all over), and of course insomnia. I think about a month or two ago (i have no acurate perspective of time, since it all seemed to just fly by) i started getting intense heat flashes. I would go from freezing to burning up with a rred face and rash on my chest, then back to freezing, i have been getting bad muscle tremors. My head will quickly twitch side to side throughout the day, as well as my legs and arms. My hands are shaky as a leaf, always. Everyone notices that too. My eyesight gets blurred/foggy dduring the crash. Usually my right eye will lose a good 30% of it's vision and get bloodshoot. There's many more symptoms, but the worse one has to be my fingers/hands. I have always had bad circulation and in cold temps. my fingers turned numb and i had to warm them. But since starting adderall it has really made it much worse. Now, they turn purple/blue even when it is not cold out. My hands are never just normally white anymore, they are always purple or very red. It is VERY embarrassing and everyone at work comments on it. I also noticed that now when i smoke weed i am very weird. I always was self conscious, especially high, but now it's like the entire time i am in my own head, picking things apart. When my friend is talking, all i am doing is nodding and wondering if he is analyzing me/how i look. I realize especially when i've smoked weed that i subconsciously am curling and uncurling my toes, digging my fingernail into my hands, biting my cheek, and i never look my friends in the eyes, i stare of into space and pretend i am present. I have come onto this site a lot when i feel i am ready to quit, like last night. But here i am today, considering taking my adderall. I don't even know why. It's like the adderall numbs my emotions and feelings towards others, but when i am not on it i feel completely numb. A different numb though. I have never been able to deal with feelings. Ever since i was a little girl. I never talked about how i felt, i put on a happy face, hid behind my eating disorder, then drugs, alcohol, weed, now adderall. I don't know how to be "normal" i am so used to living in my own dysfunctional world. I don't know if i can learn to cope in the real world.
  25. Controlled Adderall Use?

    I have been sober for 2 1/2 weeks now and this is the longest I have made it without my prescription I started taking adderall because it was suggested to me by my doctor. I have ADD and I am an Aspie (high functioning autism). I have relapsed twice in the past 3 or 4 months, but I finally swallowed my pride, confided in my significant other, and quit cold turkey. I can honestly say I feel "normal" again, although my immune system has been down, I am very fatigued, and a bit depressed here and there. When I decided to quit, I was going through my college finals..probably wasn't the best idea, I didn't get very good grades, but the stress of finals and the over consumption of my prescription pushed me over my limit. I will admit that when I first started taking adderall, I was not taking it every day. I only took it when I was studying or taking an exam. My grades were great and I felt like I could compete on the same level with the other classmates. I started taking my prescription daily when I broke off my engagement, I guess I used it because it got me through the odd emotional phase; as an Aspie emotions can be even more confusing than for the average Joe. That was 2 years ago. From then on I was taking more and more to fill that void, but 6 months ago I started a new relationship and he actually pointed out my "nasty adderall obsession". He has been there to guide me through my transformation and he has let me decide to quit for myself without pressure. Quitting a routine, bad or good, is especially hard for someone with Autism. Routines are what some of us rely on to go about our days. I think that has been the hardest for me, on top of the addiction. Anywho.. My boyfriend and I are thinking about trying to control my substance intake. Since adderall does help me in limited and controlled doses. I have asked him to control when I receive a dose and for the appropriate occasions, which we have discussed with my physician. I will not know where my prescription is located and will only receive a daily dose every-other-day. That way I don't abuse the adderall, receive the benefits of it, and hopefully create a more reliable and controlled routine for myself. I am sure this plan seems flawed, but I think it may work. I am getting my refill tomorrow and I will reply to this forum to let you all know how it's working, or not, and maybe this discussion can help others as well. If any of you have any advice, similar experiences, or other comments questions, please reply. Thank you for taking your time to read this. -TheHopefulJunkie