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Found 83 results

  1. Relapsed again...

    Hi there, Yesterday I relapsed. I had one more written script and immediatley filled it up yesterday morning. See, I am a personal trainer-- I know, how can a personal trainer be addicted to adderall? Well, it happens...and when I went to measure a new client yesterday who is very thin, I immediatley relaspsed. I started comparing myself to her, and wanting to be as skinny as she is. She's about my height, and a very desirable/unrealistic weight I wish to be. My biggest struggle in quitting, is gaining weight. I am suppose to be a good example for many, and when I feel fat and chose poor food choices-- I resort to adderall to fix those bad choices. I think, "well if I take an adderall, I wont eat as much and won't obsess over being skinny..." I feel so out of control. I was so upset yesterday for filling that prescription. Now I have spent $72 on a bottle of 60 pills that sit in my drawer. Today, I haven't taken any. I really do want to stop. I want to be clean, and have my full self back. I have told my boyfriend about my problem and he's been helping me through it. I feel like if I can get through 2 weeks, I can get through it. I stopped before for 3 months, and one day relapsed and went and got scripts again. I am going to tell my doc to stop prescribing them to me. I don't know what to do now. I want to dump the bottle down the drain, but I just spent $72...I know that's a terrible excuse, but part of me thinks..well maybe I can wean off. I was only taking 20mg a day, so I'm wondering if weaning myself off and never getting the script again would work? I want to quit cold turkey, and for today I am. I am going to be adderall free for 2 weeks-- I promise myself. It's almost like I need to get the pills out of the house & away from me. But I'm scared. Scared to gain weight-- not that I am "adderall skinny", because I still ate and like I said only took 20mg and sometimes only 10mg per day. So, I'm not really skinny, just fit cuz I work out and try to eat good for the most part. But I'm still scared. I need to use that fear are courage. I want myself back-- and I'm okay if that means gaining a few pounds-- as long as it's not some crazy weight gain. I just need to be good, have faith and stay strong. I need to know the first 2 weeks will be really rough, but I can get through this. Have faith for me, Kiss
  2. I will try to make this as short as possible. I am 20 years old and have been abusing adderall for about a year now. I experimented with it in high school and one summer almost every day, staying awake for up to 3 days non stop, hallucinating, not eating, going literally insane. Well, i decided i wanted to get a skript because i was battling with severe dependence to weed. On top of that i have been bulimic/anorexic for 7 years, so the weed made my bulimia that much worse. I was ecstatic when i got the prescription after 10 minutes of being in my psychiatrists office. Things were great, the typical adderall story. I was motivated, happy, losing weight without trying, i decided to go back to college, kept my first long term job, you get the picture. After the first month or so my tolerance was building very rapidly. I took a few days off the drug here and there, but that didn't help to slow it. I started at 10mg and am prescribed 40mg a day now, but take anywhere from 60-110mg a day, everyday. I always had a HORRIBLE time with the crash. It seemed even at the beginning the adderall high only lasted TOPS 5 hours, then slowly the crash took over the rest of my evenings. So i turned to heavy drinking to combat the debilitating lows. It helped, until it didn't. Now i am back to drinking and smoking weed to comedown and sleep. Here are my side effects. It started with the usual rapid heartbeat (only when crashing), extremely cold, anxiety, intense irritation towards others/noises, itching(feeling like there was a bug or feather touching my body, id itch the hell out of my skin and be left with fingernail marks all over), and of course insomnia. I think about a month or two ago (i have no acurate perspective of time, since it all seemed to just fly by) i started getting intense heat flashes. I would go from freezing to burning up with a rred face and rash on my chest, then back to freezing, i have been getting bad muscle tremors. My head will quickly twitch side to side throughout the day, as well as my legs and arms. My hands are shaky as a leaf, always. Everyone notices that too. My eyesight gets blurred/foggy dduring the crash. Usually my right eye will lose a good 30% of it's vision and get bloodshoot. There's many more symptoms, but the worse one has to be my fingers/hands. I have always had bad circulation and in cold temps. my fingers turned numb and i had to warm them. But since starting adderall it has really made it much worse. Now, they turn purple/blue even when it is not cold out. My hands are never just normally white anymore, they are always purple or very red. It is VERY embarrassing and everyone at work comments on it. I also noticed that now when i smoke weed i am very weird. I always was self conscious, especially high, but now it's like the entire time i am in my own head, picking things apart. When my friend is talking, all i am doing is nodding and wondering if he is analyzing me/how i look. I realize especially when i've smoked weed that i subconsciously am curling and uncurling my toes, digging my fingernail into my hands, biting my cheek, and i never look my friends in the eyes, i stare of into space and pretend i am present. I have come onto this site a lot when i feel i am ready to quit, like last night. But here i am today, considering taking my adderall. I don't even know why. It's like the adderall numbs my emotions and feelings towards others, but when i am not on it i feel completely numb. A different numb though. I have never been able to deal with feelings. Ever since i was a little girl. I never talked about how i felt, i put on a happy face, hid behind my eating disorder, then drugs, alcohol, weed, now adderall. I don't know how to be "normal" i am so used to living in my own dysfunctional world. I don't know if i can learn to cope in the real world.
  3. Controlled Adderall Use?

    I have been sober for 2 1/2 weeks now and this is the longest I have made it without my prescription I started taking adderall because it was suggested to me by my doctor. I have ADD and I am an Aspie (high functioning autism). I have relapsed twice in the past 3 or 4 months, but I finally swallowed my pride, confided in my significant other, and quit cold turkey. I can honestly say I feel "normal" again, although my immune system has been down, I am very fatigued, and a bit depressed here and there. When I decided to quit, I was going through my college finals..probably wasn't the best idea, I didn't get very good grades, but the stress of finals and the over consumption of my prescription pushed me over my limit. I will admit that when I first started taking adderall, I was not taking it every day. I only took it when I was studying or taking an exam. My grades were great and I felt like I could compete on the same level with the other classmates. I started taking my prescription daily when I broke off my engagement, I guess I used it because it got me through the odd emotional phase; as an Aspie emotions can be even more confusing than for the average Joe. That was 2 years ago. From then on I was taking more and more to fill that void, but 6 months ago I started a new relationship and he actually pointed out my "nasty adderall obsession". He has been there to guide me through my transformation and he has let me decide to quit for myself without pressure. Quitting a routine, bad or good, is especially hard for someone with Autism. Routines are what some of us rely on to go about our days. I think that has been the hardest for me, on top of the addiction. Anywho.. My boyfriend and I are thinking about trying to control my substance intake. Since adderall does help me in limited and controlled doses. I have asked him to control when I receive a dose and for the appropriate occasions, which we have discussed with my physician. I will not know where my prescription is located and will only receive a daily dose every-other-day. That way I don't abuse the adderall, receive the benefits of it, and hopefully create a more reliable and controlled routine for myself. I am sure this plan seems flawed, but I think it may work. I am getting my refill tomorrow and I will reply to this forum to let you all know how it's working, or not, and maybe this discussion can help others as well. If any of you have any advice, similar experiences, or other comments questions, please reply. Thank you for taking your time to read this. -TheHopefulJunkie
  4. I'm Sitting Here at Work...

    And I'm unable to focus on anything that I should be doing. I should be building my business and doing what I always did on Adderall. But what if I chose the wrong field? I'm 5 days clean and I'm just watching the clock go by. I'm self-employed, but I forced myself to go into the office for the first time in a week today. I'm about 6 days clean from Speed and it's to be's pretty terrible right now. My dopamine and reward pathways are jacked up and it's hard to find happiness, especially when it comes to work. Any advice?
  5. Juicing for Recovery?

    Has anyone tried juicing for recovery? I have recently become an avid fruit and veggie juicer. I think this has helped me to recovery easier. I also take CALM a calcium & magneisum supplement to help the body aches & pains. Hope to hear from some! Thanks Xo, Kiss
  6. Good/Bad/Ugly

    m I started taking Adderall "recreationally" during college (it's true, that's how it usually starts) and I was thrilled with the initial results. I have a somewhat unique story because I was homeschooled until high school, and once I was faced with the challenge of social life and classroom settings, my grades plummeted. This was a new problem for me- I had no idea how to start homework or get through a scheduled day. I had ben learning horrible habits for years and couldn’t break them. Because I was homeschooled, everyday I had a certain number of assignments or goals and I started all of them at the same time and worked at my own pace without explanation or prioritizing. It worked because I spent everyday by myself, mostly self-taught. I barely made it through high school but college was a total nightmare. My parents didn’t know what to do, my IQ and grades had always been beyond my age group. I skipped two grades and had been pulled out of public school because my teachers warned my parents that I was too smart to excel otherwise. This is why I want people to know my story- I don’t know if I was born with ADHD (nobody does, when it comes down to it I guess) or if I developed it because of my learning habits but either way, it was the worst decision my parents ever could have made. I no longer resent them for it because I know they were trying to do what was best for me, but the failure I experienced ruined so much of my life because I didn’t know what was wrong with me. The biggest problem was figuring out where to start, anything- homework, laundry, cleaning, conversations, everything was haphazard and I didn't know that wasn't okay until I was thrust into the real world. I dropped out of school my senior year of college because I felt like I was having a mental breakdown. The only reason I finished my 35 page thesis was because I stayed up for almost a week straight popping Adderall and forcing myself to focus. Adderall was my best friend in college, everybody says it's the college student's best friend but for me I couldn't finish ANYTHING without it and once I discovered that, I didn't bother trying to. I hit a brick wall that year when I decided that if the only way I could get a degree was through drug abuse, I didn't want one. My parents were furious with me but I was too depressed to care. My whole life had been preparation for college, which was supposed to be preparation for life. I didn't know why or how I had gotten so far without actually wanting any of it. I realized I had been forcing myself to survive for my parent's approval. I started working full time at Starbucks, to the horror of my parents. When I contracted Mono that fall, I was in bed for nearly two months. I had so much time to think that when I recovered, I felt the most suicidal I had ever felt. In the past if I had ever thought about suicide, part of me knew I was too afraid to really go through with it and that it just felt comforting theoretically. At this point I started planning times and places and writing letters to my loved ones. I stopped talking to all of my friends and responding to my parents' phone calls. I felt so directionless that life actually felt like it was suffocating me, a gigantic hand squeezing my throat and mocking my insecurities and failures. I can easily say that Adderall saved my life, which is why I am now at a point where I no longer want to be dependent on it. We've developed a toxic relationship that I no longer need. Instead of committing suicide, I reached a "fuck everything" part of my brain that I had never used before. I stopped caring what people thought about me, what my parents thought about me. I kept thinking to myself, "fuck it, who cares." I started taking Adderall all day instead of just for school like I had before. I lost a lot of weight, cut my hair really short and picked up as many hours at work as I could. I didn't have to deal with my depression because instead of feeling like a loser and not getting out of bed all day, I popped a pill and occupied myself with as much as possible. I bought it for a while from someone who sold their prescription but I eventually realized I probably could just get my own rather than go through all the trouble of buying it illegally. I’m not sure if getting my own prescription was easy because we are such an over medicated society where doctors write scripts for anyone who asks, or if it’s because I do have ADHD. In the process of getting my own prescription I also talked to my dad (my mother refused to talk to me for that year because she doesn’t believe in medication and hated me for dropping out of college) and he told me I had been diagnosed with ADHD at a young age, but they hadn’t told me because they didn’t want to put me on a drug, and my mother doesn’t believe in being medicated at all. They believed that children who were being treated for ADHD were just being suppressed and ruining their intelligence. I'm not sure I agree with that, but I guess there are probably complaints for either direction. I have been on Adderall XR 30 mg for almost 3 years now. For so long I believed that this pill was a miracle, mostly because I used it as a crutch for myself when I didn't have anything else. Now I am so tired of taking it everyday, tired of the initial kick in the morning and the 4:00 headaches, tired of depending on a pill everyday of my life. I no longer feel the high that I used to and my appetite is 100% normal, which is fine and I’m not interested in increasing my dosage so that I can have those qualities back again. I haven't gone back to school yet, but I know that I'm going to and that when I do, I don't want to be on or using Adderall. However, every time I try to just stop taking it I struggle to get out of bed or to do anything all day and it scares me. It scares me because it reminds me of that time 3 years ago and I’m terrified of going back to the person I was then. I’m not sure if it’s a mental handicap that associates the drug to that time and consequently gives me the belief that I’m going to fail or if its actually happening- that’s the horrible part about Adderall, or any drug I suppose. I hope my story is something that somebody can relate to, I haven't ever posted in any forum but I have read them for years now. I never wanted to share or talk to anybody about any of this because I don't know anyone who takes medication (or if they do, is open to talking about it). My boyfriend is wonderful, but he doesn't take anything and I know he wishes I didn't take Adderall solely because he knows how much I hate it and the side effects it has given me. I think I am an advocate for both the good and bad sides of the drug but also that there is a similar case for all medications. They can be necessary for as long as we need them, but the part when we want to stop is so difficult that we need all the support we can get. If anybody has any comments, advice or insight please message or comment. Like I said I'm looking for a support group for the first time and I'm welcome to any feedback.
  7. Am I not ready for this?

    I am 13, almost 14 years of Age. After graduating elementary this year, my thoughts have drifted to high school and how my prescription was supposed to be cut soon. I've been on Adderall since the 3rd grade and up until now, I thought it changed my life for the better. However, after bumping into an article on this website, I've started to realize how heavily I rely on my Adderall to do everything for me. Deep inside, I know that those good grades are mine but...I know that I couldn't do it without the adderall. I'm unsure if i like who i used to be, but I do see that people who I've known for many years have started to drift apart from me as my addiction to those blue and orange capsules grew stronger. ( I take a 35 mg ). I'm addicted to them for the wrong reasons though, I remember being made fun of about my weight and having my grades compared at a young age. because I was always the lowest of my four friends, having my grades shoot up and losing 15 pounds in the first month was amazing. I've met a lot of people since being on my Adderall and Im really scared of being around them when Im off the pill. Even when doing creative things such as writing and drawing, I find that it's easier while Im on my Adderall. even though Adderall is known for sucking out your creativity (?). On a side note, i do notice that those damn pills have really changed the way I think. I cant relax anymore, I remember not eating my lunch in the 5th grade and wandering around the class room and through the halls like I was searching for some sort of work. I also spend a lot of time thinking of my adderall on weekends and during the summer and how much i want it in my system. I'm only on the pills 5 days a week and I should be able to quit without facing withdrawal....BUT- Im really unsure if the better me is with my adderall or without it.