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Okay, sorry if this is long. I'm so turned around and I just need to get it all out. I've been thinking about quitting lately. I've made a couple of attempts in the past but always end up back on the addies or some other stimulant. I know it's destructive but I think I just haven't found the internal motivation to follow through. I love being creative and productive and social all the time way too much to do the smart thing and worry about my undoubtedly increasingly unbalanced nuerochemistry... or my health... or the prospect of my life turning into 'Requiem for a Dream'. You know, typical addict stuff. But I met this really great guy and I REALLY like him. Like, oh man, we super click on a lot of levels. But I definitely don't want to put someone I really care about in the position of being an addict's partner, especially because he has dated a junky in the past and that sorta contributed to his life going off the rails. So, my options are now; 1) Keep seeing him and lie - Bleh, been there, done that. So much no. I want to be better than that. I HAVE to be better than that. 2) Tell him about my addiction and let him decide what he wants to do - I feel like this is the right, courageous, and most ethical thing to do but the mere thought of saying the words 'I am addicted to adderall' to this person makes me shakey. I am historically a relationship addict (not as much so now that I've replaced one addiction with another); http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Love_addiction and the prospect of facing dissaproval and abandonment from someone I'm romantically entangled with instills the fear of death itself in me. Or that's what it feels like anyway. I feel like I can't do it, like, physically, if that makes sense. I feel like my throat will close up or I'll throw from nerves or have a panic attack or something if I even try to have that conversation. 3) Same as above (tell him) but also explain that this means I can't be involved with anyone right now. I think there might be some virtue in completing my adderall saga, whenever and wherever it may end, alone. I don't want to do damage to anyone but me. 4) Make some excuse to stop hanging out or dissapear mysteriously and hope it doesn't bum him out too much - I would be epically sad, but this would be the easiest thing to do. It's also the most cowardly. If I could be brave enough to tell him what's going on in my life, and he still wants to hang out with my crazy ass for some reason, that would probably be on the condition that I start working on quitting now, which I'd be willing to try again, but I feel like I'd fail because I wouldn't be 100% certain if it was for me, or if it was just for him. I don't know if I'm ready to quit. I'm so pathetic... I'm co-dependant to the point that I don't even care enough about myself to stop using tweak, I need 'love' or whatever the fuck you call what co-dependants feel to motivate me to save my own goddamn life. And even if I didn't have those issues, I'm pathetic because I'm choosing drugs over spending more time with someone who I think is totally awesome and I can't even work up the guts to tell them. Can anyone relate? Thoughts? Advice? Man... I feel like the worst person... =(
I didn't believe in love. Sophomore year of college, that all changed. I met her. Adderall. I was in the library with a group of students. I mentioned to my peers I had a big test to study for the next day. One of my classmates mentioned his prescription to Adderall and how it could help me stay awake. He had 20 mg XR and sold me two of them for ten dollars. I carried them to my car, where I saw a friend walking. She, too, was prescribed Adderall and I explained how I had just bought a couple and was scared to take them. She got in my car as I gave her a ride home and told me to take it sooner than later to avoid staying up all night. I almost cried when I took the pill because I was so scared. I didn't want to feel unlike myself. But when I got to work, I felt something I'd never felt before. It was almost like heaven. I was extremely motivated to clean, to talk to customers, to take care of any business that needed handled. I paid extreme detail to everything. I decided I could drink an energy drink. My heart raced fast. I also felt my appetite suppressed. I stayed up all night writing notes for my test, and ended up getting an A on the test. I felt like a rockstar. College had knocked me down and hit me with some failures in quite a few ways, and Adderall made me feel like I was on top of the world. At least for a little while. I started buying most of his pills. He relied on me to remind him when his prescription was ready because, like clockwork (like a true addict) it was at the top of my priority list. I started finding more and more dealers. I would buy them all out. I was taking upwards of 150 mg XR per day, plus energy drinks and Ritalin & Straterra (which i was able to get myself prescribed). I started snorting the pills to feel the effects harder. And taking puffs of my inhaler to get my heart racing. Keep in mind that I am a 110 pound female. I stopped eating most meals and drinking water. I became very frail, and unable to workout. Before, I was a very social person, a mediocre student, a lazy worker, an incredible loving and caring friend. But with Adderall, I became a different human being. I focused all of my time on work, making money just to spend it on my Adderall habit. It was a cycle. I started focusing on projects by myself, doing my homework very efficiently, and even doing several friends homework for them. I became very interested in everything, but saw my genuine passions fade. Adderall gave me, as I'm sure it has for you, a sense of false confidence. I thought I was the queen, for a minute at least when my pills peaked. But when I came down, I became very self-aware, very self conscious. A once confident and full of life girl looked herself straight in the eye in the mirror and couldn't tell you one single good thing about herself. A once creative artist and writer tore up every single thing she'd ever created because she doubted its worth, and her own. I began masking this pain with getting extremely fucked up and blacked out, once overdosing and getting a concussion. Still none of this was a red flag for me, and I continued to let my body deteriorate as well as everything I ever believed in. I became very distant from everyone. I was never really present. If I was in your presence it was probably fake, with my mind trying to figure out how I was going to get more Adderall. I forced myself into isolation, only to realize in a several weeklong binge comedown that my mind and lack of self respect was the driving force behind this addiction. The next couple months were painful. I smoked a lot of weed and gained a lot of weight. I spent a lot of time sleeping, a lot of time I'd missed while being strung out. I eventually told my parents, as well as my counselor that I'd been manipulating him to get pills the entire time I'd been seeing him. I never really felt like I had any real motivation to quit, though. I continued to get blacked out drunk, and when I wasn't sleeping or working, I was smoking weed. The weed only continued to make me doubt myself, as a student, a friend, and an artist. I continued to destroy everything I created, rip up any evidence that I had any thoughts outside of the fake image that I was portraying. Never fully recovering, I relapsed. But this time, the Adderall made me feel like shit the entire time. From start to finish. I felt guilty the second I ingested it, and the next twelve or so hours I spent frantically trying to cope with the decision I made to do so. I admitted to my boyfriend that I'd been taking adderall again, and he explained how he'd felt let down even though it was me who had to deal with the consequences and shame. My Adderall usage wasn't only affecting me, though. It was affecting my mood, and my attitude toward everything. I saw myself becoming increasingly negative yet again, and I realized that this is not who I was made to be. I keep coming back to this thought, and I think it's what keeps me from trying to get pills ever again: I am stronger than my demons. I think that this is the simple truth for getting over any addiction. I don't personally believe that I need to go to AA or stop having a beer or go to a 28 day rehabilitation center. For me, I just needed to outsmart my demons. If you have an Adderall addiction problem, I'm sure our "demons" are similar. 1 I am a perfectionist who does not deal well with failure. 2 I like to please others, and I absolutely adore attention and approval 3 I have a "I'm dying/I'm losing time" complex, where I think relaxation is laziness All I had to do, honestly, was get to know myself a little, and as cheesy as it sounds, stop caring so much about other people's opinions. It's good to try hard and do well, but not at the cost of your health, physical or mental. I know that Adderall and other psychostimulants (such as Ritalin, Concerta) do not make me feel good. I also know that they are not necessary to my wellbeing or my happiness, as I feel the happiest and healthiest I've ever been currently. I wish you the best in your journey back to yourself. I pray you are able to regain your passions and your love for life as I am slowly but surely. You don't need Adderall to focus, and you don't really need to stay awake to study for your final THAT bad. So here is my declaration: I'm adderall free.
Has anyone tried juicing for recovery? I have recently become an avid fruit and veggie juicer. I think this has helped me to recovery easier. I also take CALM a calcium & magneisum supplement to help the body aches & pains. Hope to hear from some! Thanks Xo, Kiss