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  1. 10 pills left

    Hey everyone, I've been in revovery for 9 years, had 3 three years consecutive sobriety until mid August when I went completely off the rails. I was working as a therapist in a drug and alcohol rehab and finishing my master's degree, I slowly became less vigilant of myself, and inch by inch made my back to using. After a two week run of benzos, heroin, adderrall, and coke, I woke up last friday out of drugs, but with an appointment to see a psychiatrist I had recently, and effortlessly, convinced to give me script for 90 20mg IRs. I went to the appointment, filled the script, and have been taking them ever since. I'm off all the other stuff, going to meetings, in contact with my sponsor, and trying to pick up the pieces. I lost my job and may be getting kicked out of the master's program with only 3 credits left to complete. The adderrall may have helped me stop the acute insanity and become stabilized, but it makes me feel awful. I can't feel the things I need to feel in order to grow, change, and get healthy again. I've spent a cumulative 8 of the last 9 years completely clean, having a few slips here and there. But the last 3 years have been the best of my life, until I self destructed. I was working up to flushing the rest of my script for the past couple days. The only way I was able to do that psychologically was to ration out a couple day's supply to last me until Monday, then I have an opportunity to crash for a couple days and not really do much. I decided to save 4 of them to help me study for a certification exam next month, but chances are I'll get into those as soon as my rations run out. I'll be utterly amazed if those pills remain after a couple days without any speed. But feel free to warn me of the backwards thinking behind trying to quit and saving a stash, but I'm already well aware of it. I'm insane when it comes to this stuff. And informing the Dr. who prescibed these things.. At this point, I am unwilling to do that. And yes, it is because I have a reservation to use adderrall again. The only safe measure would be to inform every single doctor in, and out of, my state. Because if I wanted to pick these things back up in the future, I could just find another idiot with a prescription pad. But that might take too much time, time in which I may turn to other things, so if I decided to get a refill I'd like it run smoothly and quickly, that way it will take less time for me to realize that I hate this stuff and can NEVER use it properly. I sound insane, I know, but thats what a two week drug binge followed by a week long adderrall romance will do to you. The most I've taken in a single day is 80mg, usually get to sleep around 7am, sleep until one and start the whole thing again. I wouldn't even get out of bed if I didn't use adderrall this week. But I'm just prolonging the inevitable, and I've had a wonderful life not using these pills, so I know what to look forward to. So Tuesday will will be my quit date. But it may end up being Wednesday if I can't stay out of my "study stash". If I can stay out of my study stash, it will help me psychologically to know that they're there, I did this when I quit cigarettes, I kept a single cigarette for a year, and would sometimes look at it just to know it was an option. But eventually, once I felt secure about not smoking, I threw it out. So hopefully that will be what happens with my "study stash" if it survives Tuesday's crash. I joined this forum because I will need support for this. I've quit all sorts of things, and know that the key component is support during the most difficult period. Then its all about self honesty, and honesty with others in order to continue to keep growing and not have the desire to go back to this stuff. Because it isolates me, keeps me trapped inside myself, and I can't obtain the peace and joy that I just recently had in my life. Thank you for being there, and creating this forum. I need it.
  2. Gamers

    Wondering if anyone on here plays PlayStation as that would be a good way for me to chat with members of this forum. If your a member in here and would like to chat with me let me know and I will send you my username on PSN in a direct message
  3. Realized I should Quit

    I've been on this medication for over five years I am a creative person friendly laid-back easy to be around and feel that it's time to wean myself off of this medication. I am a friendly, kind, laid-back guy who is usually fun to be around and feel that it's time to wean myself off of this medication. I have been taking this medication in order to feel good and neglected to deal with A deep underlying depression that I I hadn't realized I was self-medicating myself fot. I Started utilizing stimulants because of the feeling of having to keep up with everyone over my years in college, as well as having the feeling that I had to to keep up with the breakneck pace of my friends, the pressure of finishing school, starting in career, starting my life and having everything figured out as A 25 -year-old adult feeling that I have not met up to the expectations of family over the few past few years, and like I was some kind of failure for still being in school . I'm want to slow things down as I feel that it allows me to be more myself when I am not trying to keep up with everyone else expectations or living amongst our fast paced tech driven culture that we live in. I am a musician I am later back, I like to write songs, I love playing drums guitar and bass I like art and film and have a deep passion for video games in which I am pursuing a career in after finishing my bachelors degree. I am posting in hopes to connect with u guys, members of this community who can relate to my experience of wanting to stop taking this medication to slowdown. I have been wanting to stop taking this medication because i feel more like myself when not reliant on stimulants and able to be in the moment rather than trying to keep up and race around trying to get a thousand things done all the time. I have been Reading everyone's posts on here is been therapeutic as I was amazing how similar all of our experiences of th Reading everyone's posts on here is been therapeutic as I was amazing how similar all of our experiences of them I am open and empathetic to everyone who's been dealing with this in their lives and never pass judgment I would love to connect, and empathetic to everyone who's been dealing with this in their lives and never pass judgment I would love to connect with some of you guys. Being someone who is a gamer and has the ability to easily chat via voice chat or Skype I am hoping others members on here would like to utilize the functionalities of our gaming consoles in order to chat with one another if interested. I typed this out on my iPhone using my voice so Im sorry there are a bunch of errors. I'm going to edit this later but had to post cuz I felt like I'd never get around to it if I didn't do it right away
  4. Day One...

    Hey everyone, I'm 26 years old. 169lbs. Married to a very supportive/ loving woman. This past week I have seen how insane and scary my relationship with adderall has become. I started when I was diagnosed in college. I stuggled with reading and was drowning. I became an accounting major and things improved. Finally, I decided that I would seek a doctor's advice because I was depressed and working hour after hour and not making the grades in qualitative classes. I feared grad school was not going to be a reality if I didn't get some help figuring out why things were harder all me when I truly had the work ethic. I was tired of reading the same line 5 times and day dreaming when studying. I was put on a 30mg and 20mg adderall once a day. Instant solution: Straight A's. I graduated this May and started full time at a large CPA firm. Since May, Adderall has turned into something that haunts me. I was diagnosed last year and it got out of hand quick. I was so productive! Worked my first tax season and had my two capstone classes and three other classes this spring semester, surprisingly I managed to blow all of this out of the water. But quickly things changed. When I met adderall, I was a sports fanatic and didn't drink or use drugs. In fact, I haven't drank alcohol since 2011. I was known for my laidback nature and my positive attitude. Unfortunately, I find it hard to "feel" or relate to my oldself. February, I messed up and took 30mg at night to study for an exam. This resulted in a binge. Then a month later in tried to take the dosage prescribed and was constantly obessed if it was enough to focus. I started having mood swings. Also, my perspective of others became super judgemental, and I compared myself and accomplishments to other people obsessively in my head. I was obsessed with kicking butt in work and school and became completely unaware at wasn't present at home. As May was approaching, it became increasingly harder to sleep. By June, I swore at times I heard coworkers talking about me and things in my house. I became frustrated with my wife constantly because she did not understand my patterns of speech and just down right weird behavior. I was so embarrassed. This past week I told her I needed help. I called a retired doctor we knew who has been in recovery from adderall for 8 years. The only thing I could say was, "I think I have a drug problem." He told me that I could call him everyday starting whenever I decided to quit. As the week closed out I was engulfed in believing every person in my life and at work knew my situation and were against me. The worst is the overwhelming sense of nearing failure and feeling I am watching my life fall apart in front of my eyes. All I could do until yesterday was justify the uses. My wife went out of town to visited her mother while I took the weekend to be alone and get clean. Yesterday, I failed and took several pills. I felt so alone, but then I found this cite. After reading my story told over and over again, I had enough truth about my condition to flush the pills. Our friend is calling my prescribing doctor to tell him I have a problem with adderall, which is a relief because I didn't trust myself with that task. I'm so lonely, depressed, and scatterbrained. (I'm having serious issues typing this) On the other hand, I have made the committment to my career, family, and health. I am ashamed of the person I have become. I am an anti-social, fearful, excuse maker. Who have watch his friends quit calling one by one because I could care less what they are doing. The truth is I do care, and I want my emotions back. I could not identify adderall was changing me of the past six months and would do anything to rationalize countinued daily excessive use, which is torture. It is a scary addiction that tore me apart quick and made me suspicious of everyone around me. I feel humiliated because I believed every lie in my head. Thanks for your time, and I'm sorry for the choppy sentence structures. I just can seem to think clearly. I was grateful for you guys yesterday and look forward to this journey with you. Old Brandon is coming back. -Brandon
  5. I have been on Adderall off and on for roughly 8 years or so...before Addrerall, I was self medicating with caffeine and diet pills...I believe that if I am not a "true" ADDer with some mild autistic-spectrum traits, then I must have brain damage or something..Extreme difficulty with chores...organization...Whole life......Anywhoo..I think my decision to take Adderall was one made out of desperation and there was an edge of self destructiveness to it...I was past the point where I gave a damn about the long term ramifications of it...After years of excessive caffeine use and toil and struggle, I convinced myself that this was the way to I took the plunge and now it is several years later. I don't take a very high dosage...I take the minimum amount that I need each day to be functional..but I supplement w caffeine again to compensate...I take supplements to help with my dopamine levels..L-tyrosine and l-theanine, when I have not run out of it....I take omega supplements...i monitor my blood pressure, which ran a bit high before I ever took adderall...In the state that I am currently in, I struggle with all the things I had trouble with before I ever started taking the stuff. .and also have to deal with this addictive chemical...the fear of withdrawal...the need to be somehow "functional"...the Desire to be much more functional than I am..Which I fear is impossible..My brain is a messed up clunky machine and I barely slide by as a passable human being...I would like to believe that there might be some kind of hope for improvement...without my having to be on this stuff for the rest of my life...I am interested in tapering off of it..rather than cold it stands, I usually stretch my one month prescription to last as long as 21/2 or 3 maybe I am not beyond hope.. I hate dealing w the constant fatigue..and the feeling of being a constant slave to impulses...I live in a very unstructured environment,,,and I try to fight against it but entropy is a difficult force to do battle with, and I don't have many people on my side,...
  6. Just joined the site and wanted to make my first post. Got my script refilled on Tuesday and by Thursday I was already taking 120mg's of addy, and went from my normal, happy go lucky self, to a complete zombie at work where I would just sit at my desk and be "in the zone" and just act like a stuttering robot to anyone I talked too. I don't want to ramble on, but I still have half of my script left and I've decided that I am done with it. I don't want to go through the misery of having to plan on out when I will take my last pill so I can time the withdrawl and not have it affect my work/social life. I have decided to quit this amazingly addictive drug on my own terms. I am going to stay at a hotel for the weekend and go through my withdrawl with no one bothering me and will emerge from the hotel on Sunday adderall free. Love this site and love reading everyone's stories of success! -Chuck
  7. Okay, sorry if this is long. I'm so turned around and I just need to get it all out. I've been thinking about quitting lately. I've made a couple of attempts in the past but always end up back on the addies or some other stimulant. I know it's destructive but I think I just haven't found the internal motivation to follow through. I love being creative and productive and social all the time way too much to do the smart thing and worry about my undoubtedly increasingly unbalanced nuerochemistry... or my health... or the prospect of my life turning into 'Requiem for a Dream'. You know, typical addict stuff. But I met this really great guy and I REALLY like him. Like, oh man, we super click on a lot of levels. But I definitely don't want to put someone I really care about in the position of being an addict's partner, especially because he has dated a junky in the past and that sorta contributed to his life going off the rails. So, my options are now; 1) Keep seeing him and lie - Bleh, been there, done that. So much no. I want to be better than that. I HAVE to be better than that. 2) Tell him about my addiction and let him decide what he wants to do - I feel like this is the right, courageous, and most ethical thing to do but the mere thought of saying the words 'I am addicted to adderall' to this person makes me shakey. I am historically a relationship addict (not as much so now that I've replaced one addiction with another); and the prospect of facing dissaproval and abandonment from someone I'm romantically entangled with instills the fear of death itself in me. Or that's what it feels like anyway. I feel like I can't do it, like, physically, if that makes sense. I feel like my throat will close up or I'll throw from nerves or have a panic attack or something if I even try to have that conversation. 3) Same as above (tell him) but also explain that this means I can't be involved with anyone right now. I think there might be some virtue in completing my adderall saga, whenever and wherever it may end, alone. I don't want to do damage to anyone but me. 4) Make some excuse to stop hanging out or dissapear mysteriously and hope it doesn't bum him out too much - I would be epically sad, but this would be the easiest thing to do. It's also the most cowardly. If I could be brave enough to tell him what's going on in my life, and he still wants to hang out with my crazy ass for some reason, that would probably be on the condition that I start working on quitting now, which I'd be willing to try again, but I feel like I'd fail because I wouldn't be 100% certain if it was for me, or if it was just for him. I don't know if I'm ready to quit. I'm so pathetic... I'm co-dependant to the point that I don't even care enough about myself to stop using tweak, I need 'love' or whatever the fuck you call what co-dependants feel to motivate me to save my own goddamn life. And even if I didn't have those issues, I'm pathetic because I'm choosing drugs over spending more time with someone who I think is totally awesome and I can't even work up the guts to tell them. Can anyone relate? Thoughts? Advice? Man... I feel like the worst person... =(
  8. my life; controlled by adderall

    i am 23 years old. 5 years ago, i was introduced to a drug called vyvanse. i had never heard of anything like the description i was told about the medication before. i took one blue and white ER cap, which was (if i am correct) 70 mg. who knew that one small pill, one simple little medication could control my life in every aspect for the next 5 years, and counting. i will try to describe these next 5 years, as short, but in as much detail as i can. at first it was fun, more of a game per say. i could take these pills and have so much energy so much urge to clean, my house always looked amazing. my life seemed so entertaining. approx 30 maybe 45 days after taking vy every couple of days, i was introduced to adderall. my one and only addiction in life. its been 5 years, and 2 amazing children later, and i cannot quit. adderall has become my life; my bestfriend, my go to girl, my happiness, the first thing i do when i wake up. its what i look forward to in the mornings, i tell myself just get up, take your med, and get your day started everything will be fine once you take your pill. I HATE THIS! i started off taking 10 mg a day. i now am prescribed 60 mg a day. (since trying to come off, i have started taking less and less, but some days i cant help but to take more). i have done things i would have never imagined doing due to adderall. i have lost friends, relationships, money, my emotions, jobs, my life, my sex desire. i have no control of my life without it. it seems no matter how hard i try, how determined i am, i cannot get the idea out of my mind. i cannot break this horrible habit that i have grown to despise. my SO and i both have tried countless times to stop. and we were doing so well for long periods of times before. 8 or 9 weeks sometimes, and then one day, we start again. we have even started to snort our pills, which has caused sores in and out side of our nose sometimes. we are parents, and we look like we could be on some serious drugs because of the constant sores, the bags under our eyes due to lack of sleep, (8 days and 7 nights i have stayed up before). living this life is NOT what i want. i so badly want to become dependent on myself, on the beauty of the world. i don't want to continue to take medication to live. i do not want to spend money buying more and more each month due to my tolerance level increasing, and not only mine but his as well (he can't get his own script). i do not want to get caught selling drugs. i do not want to get caught buying drugs. i am terrified of what my life will become if i do not stop taking, snorting and abusing this medication. i am at a complete loss at what to do, my SO isn't ready to quit. therefore; it's going to be really hard to for me as well. social addiction is the worse, and the habit i have formed of snorting is just as bad. what can i do? i need help. i am finally ready to reach out and receive any and all the help that i can get. if there is anything you can offer me, any words of wisdom, and stories, experiences, please don't hesitate. i want you and i to help each other quit this horrible addiction we have allowed ourselves to create.
  9. I can still taste the sweetness of the adderall, I still crave it more than anything... The only tie I get it anymore is in my dreams, but when I w me up, its in a sweat. I just try my hardest to fall asleep and take more, sometimes it works! Sounds crazy, I like it but I hate it, it makes me crave it, even though I am 86 days clean of it. Does anyone else experience this? It's scaring me I'm craving it bad lately, ok guess I could use some tips
  10. I am on day 64 without Adderall. I am wanting a Ritalin today I am overwhelmed and have such bad anxiety idk what to do. Does anyone have any info that states ur brain is automatically set back to the first stage by just a little? Doesn't any progress help? Is giving urself a little after doing so well the worst thing ever??? Answers please :/
  11. Hello. I am a 20 year old male and I don't know what to do in regards to quiting Adderall. So I don't know if I can quit the Adderall because I have tried to get off of it a number of times. But whenever I'm off of it, I don't feel in control of my anxiety. I also feel like without it, I am worthless. I started taking it because I was going through so much stress back in high school. I was barely passing my classes, I was rejected by the girl of my dreams, and I was developing social anxiety so bad that I couldn't sit in the same room as my classmates or even go to a building that had people in it. All of this made me begin to feel insecure about my ability to function and my worth as a person. Now I have almost no confidence in my ability to succeed at anything. I feel very insecure around people and rarely go out with friends, so my social support network is very limited. I really want to go back to how I was before I took Adderall. But I feel like who I am without the Adderall isn't good enough to obtain friends, a love interest, succeed in school or my future career. Has anyone else been in my shoes? Any advice would be greatly appreciated! Thank you.
  12. My Story

    Here is my story on Adderall, I was first diagnosed with ADHD my junior year in high school, but looking back i was definetly symptomatic for years before. I had always gotten decent grades without much effort, and had even tested my IQ in the 140 to 150 range. Then, in junior year I just hit a wall, classes got exponentially more difficult, and a combination of my ADHD and not really having any study skills my grades plummeted, so naturally my parents freaked out and sent me to a doctor. At first, i was reluctant, but as he went through the ADHD screening, i was amazed by how well it described me. I had always thought that ADHD was for the "special" kids, not me, but here we are. Anyway, my pdoc started me off at 50mg of Straterra when it was relatively new. It didn't work at all, we bumped it up to 100mg, the which i believe is the highest dosage, and still no effect. The summer before senior year, i started on 5mg of Adderall IR, 2x daily. I didnt really notice much difference, as i was not really under demand during my boring summer job, so before school started we kicked it up to 7.5mg IR 2x daily. As I'm sure many of you can attest to, i felt great, everything seemed effortless, and i could easily sit and study, write papers, or work on projects for hours on end, something i had never been able to do before. With the help of Adderall, i raised my GPA and got 34 on the ACT, which got me into a great college with a decent scholarship. As a college freshman that had an older brother go to the same university, I was a legacy at a fraternity that shall remain nameless. Now, I don't want to go on badmouthing fraternities, I am still am glad i joined, it was a great experience that shaped me to who I am today, but one thing i regret is how it affected my use, and abuse, of Adderall. Yes, i used Adderall for partying longer, and yes i sold excess to friends for cramming for finals, and i abused the hell out of it during finals week myself. All this time, i had been slowly bumping up my dosage, and switched to XR instead of IR. Nearing the end of my junior year of college, I was taking 50mg of XR just to feel the regular effects that got me functioning. I felt on top of the world, I had an amazing girlfriend, had crazy weekend stories may not remember totally, had a great GPA, kept my scholarship, had a solid paid internship at an alumni's company with a job offer right after graduation. All i had to do was take this little pill, and everything seemed to fall into place. I hate to say it, but it was like the movie Limitless. Then, my whole world came crashing down. My mom's birthday was coming up, and I was headed home for the weekend. I was going to meet my mother, father, and older brother who had just graduated at a restaurant. I got there and waited for what seemed like an eternity. Turns out my family had been driven off the road by a drunk driver, killing my mother and brother, leaving my father in a medically induced coma. I never had dealt with grief on this scale, I had a few breakups here and there, but nothing like this. So, I regretfully turned to the two closest solutions, finding my problems at the bottom of a fifth of jack and my Adderall bottle. A trip to the hospital after a night of mixing Adderall and booze that ended in a BAC of .33 and my stomach being pumped was a wake up call, so with my fraternity brother's support, i cut back a lot with my drinking, but that was only part of the problem. I still had my little magic pill, Adderall. At this point, I started noticing that i was craving the pills, not just the regular, "I could do this faster with some Adderall", but real, cravings that drove me crazy. Finals week of Junior year, I nearly went into cardiac arrest in the library after downing nearly 150mg of Adderall. This was pretty much my rock bottom point. I went to the university's counseling program, and talked to my pdoc about scaling back my dosage, he agreed. I scaled down to 25mg for a month, which was hell because i was too weak to resist and ran out after taking double doses, but then I decided that enough was enough. I quit cold turkey. Going from 50mg daily to 0 was pretty much the worst thing I have ever experienced, besides the accident my family was in. Thankfully, I had the support of my fraternity brothers, and my amazing girlfriend, now my current fiance. I managed to finish and graduate with my Bachelor's in Chemical Engineering with honors, albeit one semester late. Now, I am 3 years off Adderall and I couldn't feel better. My father made a full recovery, I have a beautiful fiance, a secure and well-paying job, and am about to start my Master's degree. I still talk to a counselor, but now it is more of healthy lifestyle choices. I started eating healthier, working out, and getting as regular a sleep schedule as my job will allow. Its amazing how those three things, along with a positive outlook can do. I still have trouble focusing sometimes, but I just buckled down and worked through it. I experimented with different work environments to find which fits best for me. No matter how long an arduous a journey may seem, even the longest journeys begin with a single step. As Winston Churchill said "If you're going through hell, keep going". Withdrawl sucks, but with perseverance and support of family and friends, you can do it, and you can beat Adderall addiction.
  13. I'm sitting on my couch stimulated but exhausted. I havent slept in 48 hours and studied for 2 finals. I'm fried. I had to call out of work because I knew I would be crashing from adderall during my shift. I realized that I've bought more adderall this month than my prescription even gives me. I've realized that I'm an emotionless zombie. That I struggle to have conversations with my family unless I'm 1) on adderall 2) in euphoria from lack of sleep. I realized that I drink almost every night to come down off of my adderall. That I make calendars to track how many pills I have left...making sure that I have enough to get me through the month. I lose track of how many "mgs" I took in a day. I am done. Genuinely tired of this. I've been tossing the idea around in my head for the past 3 months about quitting once and for all. I've been taking adderall for 4 years now. It's been a downhill journey that I am officially admitting ended with addiction. I don't want to be on this for the rest of my life, I'm only 23. I want to be myself again. I want to not be exhausted when I'm not on a pill. I want to genuinely laugh. I want to not worry about what days of the week will be my "all nighters". I want to get married and have kids and I'll never do that if I'm an adderall junkie. I want today to be the day. I just spent 3 hours on this website and was filled with motivation. Its just the thought of dumping my prescription down the toilet that makes me timid. It's one thing to SAY I wont take adderall...its another thing to not have any left on my so that I have no option but to not take it. I need motivation. Please. I'm so so so ready to get my life back that has been stolen from me since 2009. I want to meet the real me again.
  14. Day 1

    Hey guys, I'm new to the forum, I hope this post isn't too long! I'm currently a senior in college and I'm approaching the one year mark as an adderall user. Like most of you it all started out great: my GPA shot up, I could easily study for exams a week in advance, etc. However, as time passed I realized that I had lost myself to the adderall. I went from being in a fraternity and was fairly social, to isolating myself from my friends and leaving the fraternity. When I was on Adderall all I wanted to do was study and that resulting in me separating myself from my closest friends. I also started to chase that Euphoric feeling that I had when I first began taking adderall which led abusing the medicine. I was originally prescribed 30mg IR and about 4 months ago I started taking about 40-60mg a day. About 1 month ago I switched to 30mg XR, and thats when the abuse got real. I was so used to the immediate stimulation that XR didn't do it for me and on a few occasions I took 90mg XR in one day. This is when I realized that I was headed down a bad path, and that if I didn't change anything sooner or later something was going to give. About a month and a half ago I actually stopped cold turkey bc I burned through my prescription and that was my eye opening moment. After being off of Adderall for 3 weeks I forgot how good it felt just to be me! Before Adderall I was in the Gym almost everyday, but I stopped working out after a few months of daily use. Being off of Adderall for 3 weeks I honestly didn't have bad withdrawls, aside from being tired and lacking motivation, I was MUCH happier, more social, more confident, working out, and actually did just as well in my classes (although it was a lot harder). Last week however was finals week and that's the worst time to be dealing with lack of motivation, so I started taking adderall again. For some reason, I couldn't just take my meds as prescribed! After taking a month and a half off 30mg XR was more than enough, but for some reason I just took 60mg and sometimes 90mg! Fortunately I did very well on my finals, however I realized that I have developed a problem with Adderall. I'm not the type of kid to abuse drugs or alcohol and I never have, but I was obviously falling victim to Adderall, and I see why it's a controlled substance. I'm no sure I ever needed adderall, I think I was just Lazy, because I performed just as well without it during those few weeks, it just took more effort! Anyway, I decided that enough is enough, and that the bad is starting to outweigh the good and that it wasn't worth it anymore. I've been off of Adderall now for one week but it wasn't official because I still had prescriptions for the next two months so I it wasn't official. This is why it is only Day 1 for me; I've thought about it and after reading the articles and forum I took those two prescriptions and ripped them to shreds!! Today is the day that I take back control of my life before it gets out of control. I'm hoping that I will have similar results with withdrawl. I know that I am never going back to Adderall, no matter what and it feels great. Thank you to everybody for sharing your stories, it has helped me more than you know! Does anybody know roughly how long my complete recovery might take considering I was on Adderall just under 1 year?
  15. Hi, I have a friend who is addicted to adderall. he claims he is sober from a decade+ of drug abuse (cocaine, alcohol, oxy, etc), but he snorts the adderall a lot, and then runs out, then he lays around and does nothing but sleep for a week until he can get another script. I've known him for 3 years. He is unable to hold down a job, at all. he hasn't worked literally in 3 years. when he is "up' on adderall, he is on facebook trying to heal people spiritually and this is his work. but - he doesn't get paid. he lives off of money from me and his mom. he is completely disconnected from humanity. he stays in his room all day. he only goes out to get cigarettes, he claims bc humanity is just animals and he can't stand hearing their thoughts all day. he is also bi-polar. he shouldn't be taking adderall anyways it puts him in manic state and he stays up for a couple days, saving the world. I am at the point I want to cut off all funds. I feel he doesn't fully see that adderall is ruining his life. I can't tell if it's the addiction or if it's true dysfunction/disability. it's very hard to tell if it's true disability. he just is so odd that he cannot keep a job, at all. he lives in a completely 'nother world. Help me help him. what should I do? He snorts adderall and knows he mis-uses it sometimes, but he says most of the time he can "moderate" - I quit alcohol so I know that story, he should just quit. My question - how has YOUR life improved after quitting? did you regain your thoughts? did you get over the depression and lethargy? thanks for listening. I have great compassion for those caught up in drugs. just one time and you are hooked on this stuff. peace.
  16. Ok. So I think what I need, is an email buddy or someone that is also around the same quitting time as me, to talk to. I don't want to bore everyone with my stories, its the same as im sure many others on here, I thought I was on top of the world when I got to day 26 in the past. longest i'd been clean in 7 years -1 year of pregnancy. so 26 days was the furthest. I AM NOW ON DAY 36. But I don't even feel as good as I did with day 26 the fist time. I think I just feel so guilty about relapsing even if it were 1 or 2 pills, for the past 4 months. And of course throughout the years I have gone through the big times trying to quit here and there, obviously it never worked, I always went back, and was too cowardly to even come back to this site. But 4 months ago, I realized I was done, and I had to be done, I crave to be done, I know that's what I truly want. Im tired of watching my life flash by. Ive been through this stuggle for too long now. why does it have to take so long? why would even one pill make me feel so much better for just one day and its that easy? Is everyone else's progress around the same as mine? is this normal? These ups and downs are crazy and idk if its from no Adderall, my depression, or depression meds. I study psychology so I know about anti depressants and teatmeants and so on.... But im not looking for a text book answer, I'm looking for a real person going through the same real thing I am right now or who could relate. DAY 36. I cant believe I haven't been on this site in around 3 months, it was my favorite thing to look forward to everyday, everyone who I have talked to was great and so helpful, made me feel better. I just backed out. And im sorry. Not only is quitting the problem, its other life factors that are big struggles happening all at the same time while still trying to be a young mom and get up everyday. (it sounds so pathetic that I cant even get up, but its getting better) NEED SOME CHEERING UP I GUESS :/
  17. A brand new bottle...

    ...and i haven't taken any. 8 days ago i spontaneously stopped taking 40mg a day. I have taken none. I am beating this. I've quit before, but i think this time is THE TIME.
  18. Hi! My name is Lauren & this is my story. The first time I ever took adderall I was fifteen years old. It was the second to last week of my freshman year of high school and I will never forget it. I took two 20mg extended release tablets and was cracked out for a solid 48 hours. I was on an emotional roller coaster however I immediately knew this pill would be the "magic answer" to all the problems I was facing at the time. And it was. It took a lot of effort to get my parents to take me to my doctor and test me for ADD but it was worth it. After several tests and surveys I was prescribed. I lost the 20lbs I had been trying to get rid of for the last two years. I had the energy to make the cheerleading team (I got cut the summer going into my freshman year) I improved my grades from barely a 3.0 to a 4.3 I was the person I had always wanted to be. I was prescribed for seven years until things really got out of hand. My junior year of college is when things really spiraled out of control. I became obsessed with losing weight. I had also built up a very serious tolerance and was in a pretty scary routine of taking a wayyyy higher dose of adderall than was prescribed to me. I had somehow talked my doctor into prescribing me 80mg a day. I did this by explaining that some days I liked to take 40mg extended release and some days I liked to take instant release. It just depended on what my classes were like that day. This was a lie, obviously. Either way she wrote a script for both which equalled out to 80 mg a day for 30 days. However, I still would run out in two weeks. Here was my routine: I would lay out 3 20mg pills next to my bedside and set my alarm one hour before I needed to wake up. For example if I had a a 9:30 class I would set my alarm for 8:30. I would then take the three pills (60 mg) of adderall and go back to bed. I would then let the adderall wake me up about 45 min later and take a fourth 20 mg pill. Then I would take another 20 mg around noon and then a sixth 20 mg around 3:00. I would take AT LEAST 120 mg of adderall every day. Many times I would take much more than this because I would consistently pull all nighters. I was in a few art classes which I would become obsessed over making everything perfect. Often people in my sorority would ask me why I was always wandering the house in the wee hours of the night and I just continued to blame it on a big work load. This was a lie. I was taking massive amounts of adderall to get skinny. I lost 25 lbs in two months. I was irritable, tired all the time, I had sores on the inside of my mouth from biting my cheeks, I was basically miserable. I would run out of my dose in two weeks and then buy more off of friends. I had basically hit rock bottom. I would go to the gym and look around and see other people who were NORMAL working out because they cared about their bodies and their health. All i wanted was to be normal. I wanted to feel proud of my achievements and know I did things on my OWN not just because i had adderall to get me through. I knew what I had to do. I was leaving for Los Angeles that summer to complete an internship. I was cracked out on adderall the night before my flight left and got no sleep. Right before I left for the airport I took the adderall out of my suitcase and stuck it in a pile of things my mom was going to ship to me later. This was the only way I could get myself to leave it behind. I knew I didn't want to live like this anymore but I had to know that if I REALLy needed it I could get it back. Sure enough I was in LA, my adderall was thousands of miles away, I was putting on weight- fast, and I was going through some serious withdrawls. For four days I couldnt get out of bed until at least 5pm at night. However, I kept having faith that I would get through it. I honestly felt drunk the first few weeks off adderall. My body didn't function properly, I could barely drive because I felt so disconnected and could hardly think straight. The weight gain was the worst part for me. I had worked so hard to lose the weight and was TERRIFIED of putting it back on. This is when I called my mom. "Hey mom, you know that box of stuff in my room you were gunna ship to me? Yeah I really need it, could you send it out tomorrow?" Of course she had no idea my adderall stash was in there and quickly agreed. I hung up and immediately regretted my decision. THIS WAS MY CHANCE. THIS WAS THE TIME. THIS WAS WHEN I WAS GOING TO BE STRONG. STRONGER THAN MY DEPENDENCE ON THIS STUPID DRUG. I called back. "MOM DONT SEND ME THE BOX. My adderall is in there. I'm addicted to it. I don't want it. I want to be normal, I want to do this on my own, I want my personality back. dont send it" I was crying & so was she. She told me she was proud of me and to be honest I was proud of myself. The entire month was extremely hard. It was the first time in seven years that I had completed even the most simplest of tasks without the help of adderall. I had to show up to my internship every day and complete what was asked of me and it took alot of effort on my end. All the while I was gaining weight. This was the worst part. When I came back from my internship I had gained about 15 pounds. I freaked out and thought "theres no way I can go back to school looking like this" I searched through my parents medicine cabinets and found my adderall. For three days I took it to to lose weight and was right back where I was before. Not sleeping, irritable, miserable, depressed. This is when my big breakdown occured. I WAS NOT going to do this anymore. I had gone three months without it. Who cares if I gained some weight. My personality was back and I was not going to slip back into the dark place I was when I was addicted to adderall. I COULD DO THIS. I sat on my bathroom floor bawling my eyes out. I tossed each pill one by one into the toilet and with each one I said a reason I would never take adderall again. For example, "I am happier without it." "My body is better off without it" "I can be who I want to be without adderall" "I feel good in taking credit for my accomplishments when I am not on adderall" etc. This day was a day i will NEVER forget. After a few weeks at school I came home for a checkup with my doctor. I confessed my serious addiction and how I had overcome it. She ended up confiding in me that one of her patients who is severely addicted to adderall is now trying to get pregnant. This patient can not get herself to quit adderall and is in a horrible place because she wants to have a baby (which you obviously cant be taking amphetamines while your pregnant). Often people would ask me "you had only one more year of college why didnt you just quit when you graduated" and this is what I tell them.... IT IS NEVER AN EASY TIME TO QUIT. If I wouldve said "Oh Ill quit when I graduate" then it would have turned into "Oh ill quit when I get a job. Oh ill quit when I get this promotion. Oh Ill quit when I find a boyfriend. etc. etc." I have been off adderall for one year and one month and I CAN NOT BELIEVE how far I have come. Sometimes I get on this site and read people struggling with the fight to quit and I know EXACTLY how they feel. It gives me goosebumps thinking about the three weeks of my cold turkey quitting of adderall. But here is what i can say YOU CAN DO IT. YOU HAVE TO DO IT. NOW IS THE TIME. THERE WILL NEVER BE AN EASY TIME. It may seem like there is no way you will ever function without adderall but you will. And once you start to complete tasks without it you will feel elated. I specifically remember calling my eye doctor and ordering contacts and I felt like the happiest girl in the world after I hung up the phone. Adderall is not who you are. It does not define what you are capable of and once you conquer this you will understand what you truly are capable of. YOU CAN DO IT!!!!!! You have to believe in yourself. I am truly happy to offer any suggestions and answer any questions any of you might have. You are not alone and you will be better people because of your struggle with this drug. Peace, Love, & Choose Happiness! Lauren
  19. Hello again, I feel the need to ask a second question, for backround info on my case (very high tolerance to Adderall for years) please read my previous top "PLEASE HELP! high tolerance users". Adderall has ruined my life and made me miss so much fun and memories with my 3 year old daughter I don't want to miss another second. I want the old fun me back. After years and years of Adderall with an extremely high dosage and actually troubling with adhd bad for years, is there anyone out there who has tried other meds or specifically vyvanse? ive taken Adderall ir and xr and Dexedrine ir for years. This month A got a script for vyvanse paying the extra money with no insurance just trying to stray away from Adderall. I need something for the mean time of quitting to get me out of bed, I have to watch my daughter all day everyday, school, and occasional work (and of course the duties of a household). Has anyone here had any experience with vyvanse? I don't necessarily like it, it doesn't do much for me, but it helps with getting out of bed for now. Am I in risk of this just continueing the addiction? or will it help me quit? I don't want to pay for something so expensive that will in return give me not the help needed, or make a situation worse. SO DOES ANYBODY HERE HAVE VYVANSE STORIES??? Please let me know, I will greatly appreciate your help.
  20. New here.. This is my story

    Hey everybody, I recently came across this site and what I've read on it has hit so dead on that I've decided to create an account in order to tell my story and hopefully find some support.. this seems like a really cool community and I'm going to spill everything, both good and bad. I rarely post on forums but I've had a real journey (read: nightmare) with Adderall and other stimulants over the years and my story needs to be told. I'm currently a 26 year old male living in Atlanta but I've been taking Adderall (and its cousins: Vyvanse, Concerta, etc) since I was 18. It all started back in high school.. I had been bullied pretty relentlessly since the age of 15 for coming out as gay (which was not very highly regarded in the affluent republican Atlanta suburb I grew up in) and was starting to have serious trouble focusing in class (as well as the beginning signs of depression/anxiety). I got a tutor and tried everything, but finally by the age of 18 I was diagnosed as ADHD right before my freshman year of college. I wanted to kick ass in college and excel in my business degree, so I decided I'd try this Adderall drug that all my friends were talking about. It started off great.. I had a 3.8 GPA freshman year of college and was on the Dean's List.. this was the first time in my life that I had acheived high grades (while still maintaining a social life mind you.. I pledged a fraternity etc.. but that's a whole 'nother story). But after the first year or so I started noticing some real changes in my personality. I had always had a slight speech disfluency growing up but not many people noticed it.. but I'd notice that whenever I took adderall my stutter would get much more pronounced (this has evolved over the years up to now where my stutter is pretty debilitating and I'm going to seek speech therapy.. it is so very embaressing when I'm on a date or a job interview and I can't get the word out.. people think I'm nervous when it's really just some kind of neurological damage that I partially attribute to adderall abuse). Anyways, back to freshman year.. I would be so euphoric in the mornings when I took my Adderall (thinking I could conquer the world, etc) and by the evening I was in a really deep dark depression and very irritable.. as well as socially anxious (which I never really had a big problem with in the past). I also was in a very unhealthy long distance relationship which only added to my issues. Fast forward a year and I ended up transferring to a new college in a different state (various reasons, partially due to that abusive long distance relationship) and I had no idea what I was getting myself into. This school was an even bigger party school with an even bigger trend towards Adderall (and other designer drugs.. Cocaine, etc). I was depressed over my recent breakup and continued taking the Adderall while binge drinking heavily as well (clearly not the best choice, I know) to try and self medicate. It got so bad that I had to get on an Antidepressant because I was having suicidal thoughts (I write more about my SSRI usage below). One thing that was different about this school was the demographic of kids - many of them were spoiled rotten and cocaine was around just about every corner. I had always looked heavily down on that drug (and still do after my terrible experience with it). One fateful night I was really stupid (read: depressed) and decided I would try the drug, which felt surprisingly similar to Adderall's euphoric rush. In this way I believe that Adderall was a gateway to my cocaine addiction that lasted a year or two. I am proud to say that I have not touched that awful drug in a very long time and do not miss it one bit, it was surprisingly much easier for me to quit than Adderall has been. I never had to see treatment for it and I never crave it or want it when I see it around me anymore. I could go on much longer about my college experiences with Adderall but I'll leave it short since this is getting lengthy. I ended up graduating with a respectable 3.2 GPA (although not the 3.8 I started with at my first school) and decided to move home. When I moved back to Atlanta to pursue my career as a young business professional, I was excited for a fresh start. I liked the attention that I got as a young guy living in the actual city (as opposed to the suburbs) in the gay community and no longer had to fear homophobia around every corner. When it came to my professional life however, I found that I was already having trouble focusing at my new job, and slipped back into taking Adderall. You know how this story goes, it was basically a repeat of my college days and turned into another nightmare. It made me so anxious that I burned several bridges socially in the city and became depressed all over again. I have been back in ATL for 3 years now and finally I have hit a breaking point. I am 26 years old and I have tried almost every antidepressant on the market (Zoloft, Lexapro, Paxil, Cymbalta, Effexor, Wellbutrin, you name it I've tried it) which started back in college and none of them could pull me out of the depression (probably because I was still taking them alongside Adderall). I have decided that I am DONE with this awful drug that has ruined so many years of my life. It has only been 72 hours since I have taken my last 20mg dose, but I broke it down to 10mg the day after and now I'm at 0mg. I know that's not a long time, but I feel different than I've ever felt about quitting this time - I am dedicated to it no matter what (partially thanks to finding this great site). I am going to overcome this and find the happy me that used to exist.. the one that my friends and family growing up miss seeing. I am not currently on an Antidepressant (although I do have low dose Klonopin incase the withdrawal anxiety gets bad) but I have been considering getting back on one to ease the process.. I've been pretty darkly depressed the past day or so and my job is not really in the best place either. Thank you for creating this great support system where I can post about my story. It's not been an easy path for me and I know it hasn't for alot of you either. -J
  21. So I decided to quit adderall a few weeks ago after a long term debate over whether the positive side effects outweighed the negative side effects. To give a little history... I had taken some in college because my roommate had a prescription for them, and they helped me so much that I decided to go see a doctor/psychiatrist about my potential for having ADHD to get some of my own. I actually did all this within the first few months of graduating college, where I had a ridiculously lousy GPA upon graduating (C average). I was personally (and still am to some degree) convinced that I have ADHD, considering how much I struggled to complete tasks due to the fact it would take me so long to complete them. A task that took my peers an hour to complete could take me three or four, and I wouldn't even understand what I was doing for a majority of that period. I like to think that I'm an intelligent person with a lack of motivation caused by lack of attentiveness and interest. So getting back on track, the psychiatrist diagnosed me with Adult ADHD, especially after telling her that I have a scarlet fever induced form of tourettes. She said that this had manifested itself into ADHD coupled with anxiety, and prescribed me with a couple anti-depressents and trazodone (for those that haven't taken trazodone, its awful. Its like taking Nyquil at night and then taking another full dose upon waking but having to stay awake throughout the day). After a month of the anti-depressents, I knew that I wanted off of them and still wanted to the adderall, so I went to see my family doctor and she prescribed me the 15 mg XR, which was upped to 25 mg eventually and then switched over to 15 mg IR twice a day. My experience with the XR were okay, until the comedowns started to kick in and my tolerance increased considerably. The first few months were fine, but after taking an XR first thing in the morning, I would feel great for about 4 to 8 hours and then feel awful for the remaining 2 - 4 hours. Depressed, sad, unmotivated. You name it, I felt it during the comedown. I did end up going back to a university to up my GPA, and I did great. I took 20 non-degree credits, 6 of which were graduate level, and ended up with a 3.7 average throughout those 20 credits. This was a sort of self justification that I really did need this throughout college and that this was going well. Fast forward to May 2012. I obtained my first real job shortly after completing the 20 non-degree credits and felt as if I was headed in the right direction. This job didn't last however, and this past January (2013), the company went under due to a multitude of reasons which I'm not going to list. I have been looking ever since, and with the economy the way it is, I feel like I'm back at square one from the day I graduated college. I have some additional cool on my resume, but as far as furthering myself, I'm not doing very much. After a lot of self mindfulness and internal debate, I decided to search for myself before I was on adderall. I do feel like I have lost some of my creativity, as do a lot of others on these forums who have been on the drug. I think the biggest problem with adderall though is that it makes you feel invincible. I've never done cocaine, but I know scientifically adderall and cocaine are not that far removed from each other. People who have done cocaine have that invincible, king of everything on top of the world kind of feeling, and that is why I feel like adderall is so addictive to me. My grandmother was addicted to uppers back in the days where doctors would prescribe them for weight loss, and all but one of my grandparents died from emphysema. The last one died from a heart problem due to alcoholism. In other words, I feel as though genetically I am prone to embrace this invincible feeling and seek it, something that I have realized about myself since the first days of adderall usage. I won't deny that it has helped me in a lot of ways, and it does make you more outgoing when your on it. However, as soon as the comedown starts, the socialite that I was not even 15 minutes prior seems to disappear and out comes this quiet, overly self conscious person who can hardly keep up with the simplest of conversations. If anybody else has had this experience, it would be great to hear about it. This was the primary reason why i wanted to find my former self through the thick smoke of adderall, because even though i was shy before I started taking adderall, I was never that overly self conscious weirdo who avoided people at all costs. That was not me. And I didn't like it. Being off adderall right now I seem to be losing interest in typing and thinking about the other things I should be doing... those of you who are have detoxed or are currently detoxing probably understand. I'm on my 10th day out of 11 days off of adderall entirely. I ran in the tough mudder last Saturday and decided to take half of one dose (about 7.5 mg) upon waking just so I could function, since were were leaving around 7. Was I proud of this? No, but I feel justified in the fact it was my only hiccup since the 14th (first day off). How has it been? Well, the first few days were pretty slow... I had a REALLY hard time finding motivation to do anything. Luckily I had been reading about ways to keep my energy up just to function somewhat normally, and I've pretty much been living off of a Vitamin-C/B-Complex along with 1000 to 1500 mg of l-tyrosine in the first few hours upon waking everyday, as well as one to two 5 hour energy's throughout the day. I've also been drinking coffee and tea occasionally, just so my body isn't destroyed by 5 hour energy's. I recently bought yerba mate, which actually just got in today, and I like it so far. I can feel a little boost of energy and concentration from it. I am still lacking the motivation I had while on adderall, and honestly I don't think I will ever get that back. I have been better at sitting down and actually filling out applications and calling hiring departments back, but it takes preparation and I definitely have to be energized in order to do things (in other words, after 8 or 9 pm, my concentration is toast and I hardly ever get anything done). I have read a lot on here about people really, really struggling to get out of bed those first few days, and I think it has a lot to do with the dosage. I can't even imagine taking 90 mg of adderall a day and then quitting cold turkey. I had weened myself down to one pill a day the week before I quit and then quit cold turkey, so it was really only 15 when I stopped. The point of this was not to diss on those taking 90 mg by any means. I'm trying to be empathetic by saying that I understand; if I were taking 90 mg a day, there is no way I would still be sober by now. Kudos to those of you who have quit after taking that much. You are champions. I have faith that given another week or so I'll feel even better, and it will only get better after that. Does anybody have any further suggestions besides the tyrosine-b complex-5 hour energy combo. I have looked at a lot of forums and these seem to be the most common detox "helpers" if you will. This is a pretty long post, and kind of all over the place. There are things I could expand on, so if anybody has a question, feel free to ask. Thank you everybody for reading and I hope that maybe I can help somebody who is thinking about quitting by showing them that it does get better with time.
  22. ... And I'm The TEACHER!!!

    I've been taking Adderall for what I think may be 8 or 9 years. Seeing those words there is making my stomach turn... I'll start at the beginning I didn't begin taking this drug when I was in high school or collage (although, I could have really used the help...) I actually began taking this when I became a teacher. I was 2 or 3 years in as a primary (ages 6-8), classroom teacher in an urban area. I was overwhelmed, overworked and lost. At the insistence of my mother who was convinced I had some thyroid issue, I visited the doctor. While I sobbed in the Dr's office about my unwillingness to get out of bed to go to work, she nodded sympathetically and wrote a prescription for an antidepressant. She also referred me to an outpatient psychiatric clinic and so began my rollercoaster ride on a rainbow of pills… I honestly cannot sort out the chronology of medications, just that Adderall was always in there. There was that summer of XRs at a high dose and an antipsychotic to “take the edge†off. I cried a lot that summer. Then there was XRs in the am and IRs in the pm. For attention… to what? MY PILLOW!? Most recently, it’s IRs, Xanex, and Ambien. Ambien is a bitch, too. So is Xanex… However, I can’t say it was all bad. In the beginning, Adderall helped me become a more organized teacher, I was able to get my Master’s degree and manage a classroom of children who were so lost and in need of someone to be consistent and caring. I was that person, I was also full of energy and “fun!†It’s easy to be fun everyday when you are pumped full of amphetamines. I’d take it before work, on the way to work, at work, at home… To do grading, individualize instruction for struggling students, meet with parents later in the day, plan, organize, whenever I needed more time in the day. Then I’d be up all night, sobbing… You can do some serious psychological damage to yourself at 3 in the morning. Cut to 8 or 9 years later, and here I am. I feel like I’ve stalled my life. I'm still a teacher, it's a hard job, I'm still overworked, overtired and now I'm less organized. The more productive I am, the more gets thrown at me to do. No one can work like this, and no one should be expected to work like this. And I'm not going to take a pill to make me better at this anymore. It doesn't work. I’ve managed to get off the antidepressant (that was really tough, my brain felt like it was being electrocuted) and the Ambien (that little bitch,) but the Adderall, come on! And you know you need your Xanex for sleep… I’m 36 years old, married and I want to have a baby. Oh, and it turns out, my mother was right, I do have a thyroid problem. These years slipped by and I have to stop. I’ve reduced my dosage, only to up it again (cause I’m always counting the pills and I know I can take more.) I don’t blame anyone else for it. I take responsibility for it all, I lied. A lot. I’m not proud of that. It has to end now. Time is running out, I’m not getting any younger. And if I even think that I might have missed my chance to actually… Just to be super productive, just to take a little blue pill… I have to stop. I’m coming here to be accountable. I’m coming here because I need a new place to start.
  23. Hi everyone, Thank you for all the input provided in this forum. I’ve been on a very high dose for 7 years (90 MG/day or regular Adderall AND 90 MG/day on Adderall XR). I went to my physician and told him I wanted to titrate down off Adderall, and I gave him my suggestion of going from 6 30MG tabs/caps per day to 6 20 MG tabs/caps per day, and then to 6 10MG tabs/caps per day. He didn’t agree with my schedule and instead told me he would cut me from 180MG per day to 60MG per day of just the XR. That just didn’t feel right to me, and so I “made a decision†to stop using Adderall on December 30th, 2012. I read articles from both camps (cold turkey and step-down titration). I decided that I would rather suffer with withdrawal symptoms for 3-5 days than to have symptoms to a lesser degree for perhaps a few months. So far so good; some anxiety and restlessness. I believe for me that cold turkey is the best way to break free from this medication. If you all have any feedback for my situation, I’m certainly open to hearing it. Thanks very much & Happy New Year!! Steve.
  24. Good/Bad/Ugly

    m I started taking Adderall "recreationally" during college (it's true, that's how it usually starts) and I was thrilled with the initial results. I have a somewhat unique story because I was homeschooled until high school, and once I was faced with the challenge of social life and classroom settings, my grades plummeted. This was a new problem for me- I had no idea how to start homework or get through a scheduled day. I had ben learning horrible habits for years and couldn’t break them. Because I was homeschooled, everyday I had a certain number of assignments or goals and I started all of them at the same time and worked at my own pace without explanation or prioritizing. It worked because I spent everyday by myself, mostly self-taught. I barely made it through high school but college was a total nightmare. My parents didn’t know what to do, my IQ and grades had always been beyond my age group. I skipped two grades and had been pulled out of public school because my teachers warned my parents that I was too smart to excel otherwise. This is why I want people to know my story- I don’t know if I was born with ADHD (nobody does, when it comes down to it I guess) or if I developed it because of my learning habits but either way, it was the worst decision my parents ever could have made. I no longer resent them for it because I know they were trying to do what was best for me, but the failure I experienced ruined so much of my life because I didn’t know what was wrong with me. The biggest problem was figuring out where to start, anything- homework, laundry, cleaning, conversations, everything was haphazard and I didn't know that wasn't okay until I was thrust into the real world. I dropped out of school my senior year of college because I felt like I was having a mental breakdown. The only reason I finished my 35 page thesis was because I stayed up for almost a week straight popping Adderall and forcing myself to focus. Adderall was my best friend in college, everybody says it's the college student's best friend but for me I couldn't finish ANYTHING without it and once I discovered that, I didn't bother trying to. I hit a brick wall that year when I decided that if the only way I could get a degree was through drug abuse, I didn't want one. My parents were furious with me but I was too depressed to care. My whole life had been preparation for college, which was supposed to be preparation for life. I didn't know why or how I had gotten so far without actually wanting any of it. I realized I had been forcing myself to survive for my parent's approval. I started working full time at Starbucks, to the horror of my parents. When I contracted Mono that fall, I was in bed for nearly two months. I had so much time to think that when I recovered, I felt the most suicidal I had ever felt. In the past if I had ever thought about suicide, part of me knew I was too afraid to really go through with it and that it just felt comforting theoretically. At this point I started planning times and places and writing letters to my loved ones. I stopped talking to all of my friends and responding to my parents' phone calls. I felt so directionless that life actually felt like it was suffocating me, a gigantic hand squeezing my throat and mocking my insecurities and failures. I can easily say that Adderall saved my life, which is why I am now at a point where I no longer want to be dependent on it. We've developed a toxic relationship that I no longer need. Instead of committing suicide, I reached a "fuck everything" part of my brain that I had never used before. I stopped caring what people thought about me, what my parents thought about me. I kept thinking to myself, "fuck it, who cares." I started taking Adderall all day instead of just for school like I had before. I lost a lot of weight, cut my hair really short and picked up as many hours at work as I could. I didn't have to deal with my depression because instead of feeling like a loser and not getting out of bed all day, I popped a pill and occupied myself with as much as possible. I bought it for a while from someone who sold their prescription but I eventually realized I probably could just get my own rather than go through all the trouble of buying it illegally. I’m not sure if getting my own prescription was easy because we are such an over medicated society where doctors write scripts for anyone who asks, or if it’s because I do have ADHD. In the process of getting my own prescription I also talked to my dad (my mother refused to talk to me for that year because she doesn’t believe in medication and hated me for dropping out of college) and he told me I had been diagnosed with ADHD at a young age, but they hadn’t told me because they didn’t want to put me on a drug, and my mother doesn’t believe in being medicated at all. They believed that children who were being treated for ADHD were just being suppressed and ruining their intelligence. I'm not sure I agree with that, but I guess there are probably complaints for either direction. I have been on Adderall XR 30 mg for almost 3 years now. For so long I believed that this pill was a miracle, mostly because I used it as a crutch for myself when I didn't have anything else. Now I am so tired of taking it everyday, tired of the initial kick in the morning and the 4:00 headaches, tired of depending on a pill everyday of my life. I no longer feel the high that I used to and my appetite is 100% normal, which is fine and I’m not interested in increasing my dosage so that I can have those qualities back again. I haven't gone back to school yet, but I know that I'm going to and that when I do, I don't want to be on or using Adderall. However, every time I try to just stop taking it I struggle to get out of bed or to do anything all day and it scares me. It scares me because it reminds me of that time 3 years ago and I’m terrified of going back to the person I was then. I’m not sure if it’s a mental handicap that associates the drug to that time and consequently gives me the belief that I’m going to fail or if its actually happening- that’s the horrible part about Adderall, or any drug I suppose. I hope my story is something that somebody can relate to, I haven't ever posted in any forum but I have read them for years now. I never wanted to share or talk to anybody about any of this because I don't know anyone who takes medication (or if they do, is open to talking about it). My boyfriend is wonderful, but he doesn't take anything and I know he wishes I didn't take Adderall solely because he knows how much I hate it and the side effects it has given me. I think I am an advocate for both the good and bad sides of the drug but also that there is a similar case for all medications. They can be necessary for as long as we need them, but the part when we want to stop is so difficult that we need all the support we can get. If anybody has any comments, advice or insight please message or comment. Like I said I'm looking for a support group for the first time and I'm welcome to any feedback.
  25. I have been taking adderall since I was 19 years old, and now I'm 33. I first started to taking it only once a day for classes during college. After awhile like most speed it got addictive and I would either take more as the pressure built or if I had more tasks to do. At one point in my 20's I easily could swallow 6 30mg's a day for a total of 180mg's although I'm pretty sure that number was more like 10 and 300. It basically got to the point that I couldn't do any new or simple task without popping a pill Anyway over the last few years I reduced my dosage to about 20 mg's and was able to find it a little easier to drink or smoke weed myself to sleep. Which is essentially what I did when I was on the 30mg's just more hardcore I think adderall was one of the main reasons I got fired from my previous jobs because I would either come in late because of the drinking or I couldn't get along with management. Recently I was hired into a position that caused me to move to my hometown and temporarily back into my parents house. The first few months I was still taking adderall b/c of my grad studies. And I had a lot of tasks that needed to be completed at work Well anyway I decided that once my grad studies were over with and my tasks at work were finished then I would quit cold turkey. It has been very difficult these past 4 weeks and I feel like a zombie at work. I'm real lucky that this job is really laid back b/c if I would be in real trouble if it wasn't. Around a month before I quit I hired a trainer at the gym I joined. In addition I started to read Game of Thrones which is an awesome book and TV series by the way. Being non - productive at work is really bugging me but I feel that I'm making a few strides. Luckily everything has fallen my way to where I haven't had to shoulder to much responsibility. I did take some heat from my boss for having my legs propped up watching videos on the internet instead of working but I think I got that taken care of:) I didn't think it was going to take several months to shake out all the cobwebs and it does suck but I think I'll be much better off in the long run. Even now it's taking a lot out of me to write this but it does help. The exercise is giving me a lot more confidence in myself and yesterday I took my first yoga class. I probably looked stupid but since I quit taking adderall I don't worry about things like that anymore I just focus more on being myself. Today I found out I came in 2nd place in a gym attendance membership contest that my gym was holding and it felt awesome!!! I do have a question for those who situations are similar to mine. Can anyone give me a basic idea on how long these cobwebs do last? Also I wish everyone out there the best in their recovery I for the most part will be continuing to update this message board and I hope to hear from anyone and everyone who happens to read my story.