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  1. Never knew

    Good afternoon, I'm so glad I found this site. I felt like a fool when I was given an intervention in I feel like my real life is back with my heart breaking. My wife doesn't believe adderall caused me to have psychosis. Here's my story: 10 years ago I was struggling with irritability and my wife suggested I see a therapist. I went to the first session alone, the second session my wife went alone, then the third session the therapist suggested to my wife and I that I had adhd at 36 years old, that she suggested I take adderall to "slow" my brain. My wife and I discussed it and I took the suggestion despite being hesitant as I've never taken drugs, I rarely drink and didn't want to be dependent. Instantly I felt euphoric and thinking back my feelings were out of this world at first. Started on 20 mg or, then in 4 months switched to 30 mg xr that I took every day for 10 years. I never realized I was distancing myself, was paying our bills making a good amount of money and felt invincible looking back. I would give money to someone if they needed it, never tell my kids no and I'd tell my wife we were fine financially as I knew in my head that money doesn't run out...I loved the feeling of making people happy and when I would get home from work looking forward to seeing my family I had a short fuse and would yell, then my wife would say "why don't you ever slow down" or "think before you speak"...I'd go to bed thinking what the hell did you do and say...I felt like a growing pressure was in my head and it was impossible to stop. My wife would want to talk about money and I'd say we are perfectly fine, my brain again believing it will never run out. Then I started to become increasingly paranoid that people, everyone was out to get me. I mean everyone! I would be cautious around everyone, including my wife then it grew and I was convinced she wanted to get rid of me and I could never talk to her about this. Reality was and is my wife is the most caring person in the world. My wife would say to me you need your stomach checked as you "explode" on the toilet, you sweat to much and I started kids would laugh as I couldn't put a glass to my mouth without shaking. I had this thing that people including my family would laugh at where I'd grab my shirt constantly and couldn't stop. Pulling at it unaware until someone said something. My paranoid feelings grew increasingly, my heart rate was through the roof. My primary care is the one who 10 years ago took the suggestion from the therapist to give me adderall...I have serious heart history in my family, including strokes. He gave me the medication and twice a year I would see him for 9 years as he knew my heart history and my father had passed from a stroke. Over that time, once a year I'd take a 10 minute test with him to validate the adhd...what a joke I now know!!! He observed much of the side effects and I'd ask if I'd ever get off adderall and he'd say no you need it to survive...who was I to argue as I didn't realize then I was dependent. He started giving me various blood pressure meds to help...foolish as it was the adderall driving the issues. Increasingly I now recall it becoming difficult to talk to my wife as I feared her...this is crazy if you ever met her and knew how incredible she is, yet I was like a child fearing an abusive parent. She was out to get me I believed!! Then our debt grew, I was still convinced we'd never run out of money, unable to think beyond the next day I would use credit, depleted our savings, used my 401k to draw it to 0, took loans thinking we'd be ok, money never stops coming. My wife grew increasingly concerned with me lying, my irritability and distance. I was always feeling like I couldn't let her down and feared her and feared disappointing my kids. My wife would say you go to bed angry and wake up sunshine and roses...I took adderall every day for 10 years between 6:30 and 7:30 am. Our troubles got worse and I had no idea anything was wrong as I'd forget yesterday's problems each day...they would simply disappear until my wife would say "why'd you yell like you did at the kids?" "It's almost like you don't think!". My wife knew I took the drug and suggested I get a booster for at night. Neither of us knew the daily medication I took to be "better" was actually and literally killing me. Twice last year I was ready to end my life...I am not a person who quits anything but I reached a point of "why can't I control my thoughts and actions"! My wife filed for divorce in November, I went out of my mind crying every day, could not compose myself as a 46 year old man!! I found a counselor who suggested partial hospitalization for my "depression and ADHD". I reluctantly admitted myself...first day there the person checking me in listened to me explain my fears and said you don't have adhd, it's something else. I fought with her and said no, I have adhd and have taken medication for 10 years as my pcp validated it. Day 2 they suggest I stop taking adderall and I fought them saying no way I need it to live and you have no idea what you are talking about. I was in the program for 10 days...on day 4 they brought me into an office with 3 people who had observed me and said I need to get off the adderall....I had a complete meltdown...they had called my pcp I found out after talking to him, and he was pissed I went to this program without telling him. In the hallway I completely lost it, was yelling at them as to how could you do this to me. They have me clonindide and the psychiatrist said I'd feel better than I've ever felt in a week if I listened to them. They had me doing mindfulness exercises and I would pray...very faithful. Over that next week life started to slowly improve and it was like I came out from being a prisoner in my own brain. They told me to journal what I noticed. One afternoon, day 7 they said to me " do you know you haven't grabbed your shirt in 2 days"...that moment it hit me like a ton of bricks...that evil adderall was killing me. They explained I was on speed for 10 years and couldn't slow down enough to think, nevermind know there was problems. My wife didn't believe the medication was causing me problems and I had control. I've tried explaining to her as the hospital explained to me that I was in an amphetamine driven pyschotic state, equal to being an alcoholic drinking each day...I was "drunk" daily and crashing each night, my brain and body took a toll. Things I noticed in my road to recovery: I'm alive- no more risk of heart attack or ending my own life Shaking ended Stomach problems gone Sweating stopped No more constant noise in my head Bloody nose - never had them in my life until the past couple of years. They became bad.. dr said it was my blood was the adderall driving my increased heart rate!! Haven't had one since coming off Anger - I was so angry with my wife for filing for divorce I kept her up all night with uncontrollable panic and outburst blaming her for not trying Feeling- I regained feelings I never realized I lost while taking the drug Fear- no more believing everyone was out to get me. My thoughts have slowed Soul- my brain has slowed enough to allow my heart and soul to speak!!! I could go on with more but feel like a fool that I took such a dangerous medication that my wife and I trusted the guidance of a therapist after only 3 sessions (she saw me 10 more times after being on the drug as euphoric as can be). The hospital told me that should've been the sign for her to take me off. My dr who I trusted gave me the drug telling me I needed it...neither of them giving us guidance, warnings about the risks of side effects (which I clearly displayed in front of him for 9 years), or that my wife should monitor my behavior. Adderall took over my life and I feel so foolish for not knowing. I now know with the help of an amazing team at the hospital that the medication put me in my own reality and it was killing me and hurting everyone around me. I'm trying now, with the help of this site that I never would've thought to look into while on adderall, to show my wife we aren't alone with the medication being catastrophically wrong. It turns out I had generalized anxiety and as the hospital says to me "you were given rocket fuel to grow an illness that not only doesn't require medication, adderall would be the most dangerous medication you could be put on". I now hope to try to save my marriage as I had no control over what the evil medication did to me. I feel like we sold my soul 10 years ago when we agreed to the negligent guidance and I've finally regained full control. I look forward to your thoughts and comments.