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  1. 7 Month Struggles

    I've reached the 7 month mark of life without this terrible drug. This recovery process is definitely not a linear process. I think it would be a lot easier if it was a linear process....if you knew with each and every day you are going to be getting better and better that would keep you motivated but thats not it how goes at all. You get better slowly and think you are building some momentum then you'll have a major low point out of nowhere. I actually think physically not taking Adderall is the easiest part of recovery. I honestly feel in my heart that there is nothing that would ever make me put that garbage back into my body again. But I'll remain vigilant in my recovery and keep reading these forums and attending N/A meetings. But I did want to vent about some of the hardest parts of recovery which I'm currently experiencing. But don't take this is discouragement because I've read plenty of peoples experiences on here who go through the same struggles I'm about to note and they slowly pulled through and thats what gives me hope. I hate the anxiety attacks..they come over me with no real trigger. I've gotten slightly better at controlled breathing and talking myself through it but not always. Sometimes I go into full panic mode and just think I can't catch my breath and/or think I'm going to go crazy or die. For anyone with anxiety you know how terrifying this is. I hate that feeling and it usually kinda fucks with me a few days after the panic attack, I don't know if anyone can relate to that? The next thing that I struggle with is occasional depersonalization. It comes and goes but I'm curious if anyone else has experienced this?? If you arent familiar with the term, the definition is; reality or detachment within the self, regarding one's mind or body, or being a detached observer of oneself. Subjects feel they have changed and that the world has become vague, dreamlike, less real, or lacking in significance. It can be a disturbing experience. The next thing I struggle with which is kind of related to anxiety is I have a fear that consumes my mind way too much. That fear is that I fucked up my heart. I know its kind of an irrational fear because my chest never hurts or feels different but I just have this overwhelming fear that I messed up my heart beyond repair. Sometimes my mind will feel a little foggy and instantly I start thinking its because my heart is pumping efficiently enough. I know its possible my adderall abuse screwed up my heart and thats why to eliminate this fear I'm going to make a docs appointment and just find out for sure. I'll either have the peace of mind knowing that my heart is fine or I'll be able to address any issues. My last struggle that I want to vent about is just finding that motivational muscle again. I know that I just have to build discipline and just do the things that need to be done but its not that easy. The only way I can describe it is that sometimes my motivational muscle is completely paralyzed. I don't know how many times I've told myself I'm going to wake up early and hit the gym and begin a powerful morning routine but I'm not strong enough to follow through. Hell I end up not even waking up early enough to get to work on time at 9am and I only work minutes from my house. Sometimes my wife will be doing all the house chores, dishes, laundry, cleaning the bathrooms etc. and I'll set there the entire time paralyzed with lack of motivation and I choose not to help her. Even though the whole time my wife is doing these tasks, I know the right thing to do is to just get up and help but I can't make myself pull the trigger and do the right thing. Anyways, I'm sorry to have such a negative themed post but I feel like it helps me when I at least talk about the things I'm going through and someone might read this and relate it to their recovery. I'm also hopeful someone has some advice to get through any of the problems I mentioned or a timeline of when it gets better.