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  1. Hey guys, Hope all is well and everyone is having a great weekend so far. I have to admit something to all of you because I want to keep it 100% and I want to be as honest as possible. This morning I went to the wellness doctor/appointment my boyfriend got me for my birthday, which I asked for and wanted. It went well but I have to say, I have gained 20-very-unwanted-and-noticeable-lbs in the last 4 months and I am not happy about it and it's been driving me crazy (because I have been working out and eating kinda healthy). I guess not hard enough. I think it was the combo of quitting Adderall and being just on Zoloft and Birthcontrol, 2 medications known to make women gain weight -- me esp. The Zoloft made me crave crazy foods that I have never eaten and I wasn't even raised eating like white crabs and cookies and I would eat a full-balanced meal and still be hungry right after and it was very unnormal for me. But what is normal these days? And I don't want to make any excuses. They put me on some crazy ass 800cals a day diet. Um what? And gave me a B12 shot in my ass. They also gave me a daily multi-vitiums, stronger B12 pills (because I can't come in for the shots the next 2 weeks; my boss is going out of town and I have to do all her events including mine) and an appetite suppressant called Phentermine. Phentermine is a "…short-term (you can only take it a few weeks) adjunct in a regimen of weight reduction based on exercise, behavioral modification and caloric restriction…" and is a stimulate… I believe a Stage 4 and Adderall is a Stage 2. Way milder than Adderall but if I take it does this mean I relapse? And all that I have worked so hard for, will it all be gone and for nothing? I have a 2 week supply, they just gave me it at the appointment with all the other supplements and I told them my history with Adderall. They said it's fine. Part of me feels guilty as hell and I don't want to let you guys down or myself but another part of me just wants to take it for 2 weeks to get a jump start on my weightloss and help speed up my metabolism again. I don't know what to do. If I knew the "appetite suppressant" was going to be a stimulate, I probably wouldn't have gone. Maybe I was just being naive because I am so desperate to lose the weight I put on. For my job, I am in front of or on a small stage of a large group of people, anywhere between 15-60 people (teaching them to paint) and I don't want to think people are staring at me and judging me. I want to feel comfortable in my own skin again. Maybe I need to go talk to someone? But my new health insurance starts the beginning of June. Words of advice, anyone who is in or has been in a similar situation or suggestions, please help and let me know. I just don't know what to do anymore.
  2. I came off Adderall and Vyvanse rather abruptly after an unforeseen opportunity to evaluate my existence sans medications (of which there were quite a few). I was miserable - I can attest to that. I've been off all stimulants for almost 3 1/2 months now. It's not been an easy road. In all honesty, I don't really have much of a life at all. I do laugh a lot more now and I'm okay as long as I'm living a dependent, low-responsibility existence. The issue arises in the immense amount of shame and guilt I experience on a daily basis because of the meaningless state my life has become. I'm not ambitious. I'm frightened and intimidated of even simple tasks or trivial experiences. I have no faith in myself and my lack of drive only compounds that. I know a lot of this is mental - if not all of it, but sensing the impatience of those around me and seeing the order and productivity of my life collapse around me makes resorting back to stimulants incredibly tempting. Having a pleasant mood wasn't an option for soooo long, but now - when confronted with what's more acceptable to those around me and what might make me feel less useless, I feel forced to choose between being happier or being productive. Will I ever get that drive back? Or will I have to sacrifice contentment for a justifiable existence? - Squirrel Tail